Re: Issues with Mother-in-law

I'm so sorry to hear you guys have to go through all this. While I applaud you willingness to try and bury the hatchet with your MIL, I must agree with the other ladies. It probably wasn't the best idea to send the invite. Now, you never said that this was something you deliberately hid from your husband. I hope not; it sounds like you just sent it. Since this is such a touchy situation, it's important to keep the lines of communication open with your husband and come to a joint decision on how you want to handle the situation.

Should you bar MIL from your lives? It's not for me to say. You guys make the decision on what is best for you and your children. (Personally, I probably would have done the same thing) She sounds like a drain on your family and marriage, and ... well... I protect my husband and children above all else. Perhaps setting boundaries and perameters for her. If you want "C", "A" and "B" have to happen first, or if you do this and this or this will happen. No threats. Just rules to protect the emotional stability of your family.
You don't need to go out of your way to create animosity. It doesn't sound like you are. I think sending pictures is a good way to fulfill your obligations. I know several people on both sides of a similar situation, and sending pictures or general news letter type emails seems to work for them.

This in and out thing seems like a lifetime trend for her. That kind of sent up a red flag for me. Does she have psychological/emotional issues that need to be dealt with professionally? Not necessarily bipolar but perhaps something else?

I hope you guys get through this ok.

God Bless
H.

Don't beat yourself up over any of it! "Guilt" is a learned emotion and you should just let it go. As for sending the invitation, I feel you should of respected your husbands wishes but I do know you felt you we're trying to help (we try to fix things)! I'm sure it was difficult for your husband to separate ties with his mother and he needs your support. It does seem that he did overreact but it is his mother and he needs to fix this in his own time. Do keep in mind this is just my thought....take it for what its worth.

I don't see the big deal of her seeing a photo of them, but I do think you need to respect your husband's wishes about his own mother and you should not have sent her an invitation behind his back. Too late to do anything about that now, but you and your husband need to sit down and discuss where to go from here. I have a step sister I grew up really close with-- she is now estranged from every one in our family (her choice) but I still send her a photo xmas card every year. That way she knows we are alive and well. I know it must be difficult for her to be living so close to you and not be in the kids' lives, but I still think you need to follow your husband's lead and respect his wishes

This is a tough one K.. It seems that tempers are flared up now, but I can't imagine that your husband wants to get rid of his mother for good! She hasn't always done the right thing apparently, but could it be that she is going through tough times. If she moved and had to start a new job and meet a new circle of friends, then she may feel out of place or even disoriented (How old is she?). Maybe she doesn't want to share that she is struggling financially and doesn't want to be a burden. She could also be to proud to admit it. She might also be grieving her ex-husband's death (as weird as that sounds) if she had unresolved feelings or issues from the past. Those things that she did weren't right, but maybe now that she knows how you and your husband feel and understand it is only because you want her in your children's lives, then she will be more apt to be in your lives or take more care in showing up. It is right that you are trying to build a bridge between your husband and his mother. This is an opportunity for you to do what is right, but you will have to work slowly and make sure that your husband knows that you are not justifying what she has done, but that you are looking for a way to move past these circumstances. Everybody blows it from time to time. It is human nature. Everybody deserves a second chance. If she takes to heart what you've said and tries to be better, then maybe you will look back and forget those little things in the long run. After all, if you keep her out forever, what will that do to your children down the road? Just do your best, and hopefully it will be patched up in no time.

I think you were wrong to go against your husband's wishes. Anytime that you disagree with him it is better to just talk to him about it rather than go behind his back. That kind of thing is funny to watch on sit-coms, but in real life it hurts. Just imagine if the situation were reversed -- someone in your life that you have major issues with, maybe even issues that no one else knows about, and you really don't want to have to deal with that person until you yourself are ready for it, and then your husband suddenly invites the person for dinner. How would you feel? your first reaction would probably be, "Why didn't you ask me first?" You would feel disrespected, unimportant, insignificant, un-cared about, and so on... just as he felt when you did this to him.

It's not about his mother, it's about how you view him as your husband and as a man. Is he worthy in your eyes of you being considerate of his feelings?

In a happy marriage people discuss things with each other and reach an agreement of some sort before they take action. If one spouse is obviously wrong about an issue, then both need to sit down and discuss it calmly. If this is impossible, then a neutral third party can assist (counselor).

All that being said, you are right about wanting to stay in touch with grandma... but it really doesn't look like she is that interested in staying in touch with you. She has your address, your phone number, and until she really wants to be a part of the family there is no point in dwelling on the situation. People will always do exactly what they want to do, no matter how much we wish they would do something else.

And keep in mind that even though you ARE right (to a certain extent) this isn't an issue of who's right and who's wrong -- it's an issue of do you care about your husband's feelings when it comes to the relationship between him and his mother.

Your children will grow up just fine with only you and your husband. There are plenty of other "grandma substitutes" available -- older folks who love little kids but are not near enough to their own grandchildren -- through church, retirement homes, senior agencies -- you really do have a lot of other options besides ignoring your husband's feelings.

I hope that everything works out. Just believe that eventually they will work out their differences, or they won't, and either way just be okay with it. Be available to your husband to talk about it, and most importantly be understanding and supportive. The quickest way to promote reconciliation between them is not to force it; rather, be a safe haven for your husband to talk about things on his mind, offer your suggestions and ideas like you always do -- but make it very clear that whatever his decision is you will honor it and you will not go behind his back again. He needs to believe that he can trust you! and he needs to know that you are on his side, that it is him, your husband, that you support and love, fully.

I think you should have discussed inviting your husband's mom, but the deed has already been done.

However, I think your husband needs to reassess kicking his mom out of your lives because it is confusing to the kids & she hasn't been dependable keeping communications open.

From my own experience, I always think -- how will I feel if I were at this person's funeral? Then everything is put into perspective. Short of someone being a child molester, I always opt for contact or a relationship of sorts with immediate family members.

When people are hurt, they do hurtful acts.
Who knows what is really & truly going on in your mother-in-law's life?

Kindness & compassion goes a long way.

I am all for moving ahead & forgiving painful hurts of the past.
I have a dad who is very ill & I have very FEW good memories of him from my childhood. But I still try to call him weekly or every other week & have long conversations with him because once he's gone - I won't be able to hear his voice & just talk. I try to pick up subjects that he likes to discuss (his health; old family members; his past business career; the history channel). Our telephone relationship is the best connection I'm ever going to have with him before he passes on. So I'll try to keep up the every other week calls. I would never expect him to call me or remember important dates in my life. It isn't in him (or my mom either). But he has a lot of other good qualities that I focus on & try to forget the hurtful & bad parts of my memory.

My mother-in-law -- totally sane & sober -- told me three years ago right before the birth of our last baby ( I am married to her son right out of college) -- she told me she always disliked me -- bordering on hate & she is only in our lives for her son & grandchildren. My husband immediately said she had to move out of our home & he wanted nothing to do with her ever again. (His grandmother pretty much raised him; his mom always had to work.)

Eventually, after the shock, pain (and birth of my last child), I convinced my husband that it was unfair to his mom for him to completely cut her off. She hates me but probably because I married him (I'm really a likable person:) haha) So I arranged yearly visits and also the kids (and I) write long letters to her with pictures. I can't bring myself to have small talk on the phone with her, but I do have my husband call her monthly to check on her (she lives in another state next door to his sister now).

I think when my mother-in-law passes on, I won't have any regrets. I have kept the lines of communication open. I've inspired family trips to see her -- letters and so forth. My husband can't understand how I can be so forgiving. I just put myself in her shoes and think if I had the problems/issues she's had her whole life, I may behave the same exact way. "There, but for the Grace of God, go I." Plus, she gave birth to my husband -- my soul mate of my life. She can't be all bad:)

So I truly believe in connecting & being the "bigger" person so to say.

I have had friends lose both parents & even if the parents were psychologically abusive or alcoholics or whatever, they are still your parents. They tell me all the time - - think of yourself at your parent's or in-laws funeral -- would you have wished you behaved any differently when your mother-in-law was alive?

If you have worked through the sadness & pain of your
mother-in-law not living up to your expectations of what a mother-in-law should be, then the answer is probably -- YOU do everything reasonable to make her know that you care & she is loved -- even if you can't do it on a weekly basis.

I am sure there is a lot more going on than you could describe in your letter. But you did say "she doesn't call"; "she doesn't show up"; "she forgets the kids birthdays"....a lot of the relationship "up-keep" seems to be on her shoulders.

I would call her. I would go to visit her.
I would take her out to dinner. I would call her before the kids birthdays & say: "We just want to have you over for dinner.....but please -- no gifts -- not one little thing -- we are inundated with toys here. But it would mean so much to the kids if you came over for dinner. We'll pick you up at 4:30!" (sometimes for reasons unknown: moms/dads don't like to drive; or forget; or are scared of a scene -- arguing? or maybe even drink? so they don't show up when agreed & invited -- picking them up -- solves the "no show" problem)

(just side note: my brother was having tough financial times for a while & my sister kept fuming that he never remembered her kid's birthdays. I told her if you were having difficulty paying your rent & health insurance payments -- would you want to send even 20 bucks 3 times a year, plus Christmas gifts to your nieces & nephew? And would you want to tell anyone you were having financial issues? It just doesn't hit the radar screen when you have financial difficulties.

So I never think twice if presents don't materialize. But I do call my parents on the day of my children's birthday & then, I call my daughter or son to the phone & say "Grandma is calling." The kids don't know who called whom & sometimes it takes a lot of calls to get my parents to pick up the phone.

But the end result? My children are thrilled & feel connected to my parents -- and know that more people love them.
And in their hearts, I know my parents love my children more than anything -- they just have their own difficulties & can't see past them sometimes.

The long & the short of it:
Always try to be as compassionate & connected as you can with family! (and try to persuade your husband to be too -- the funeral idea usually works for my husband:)

Dear K.,
I can certainly relate to what you are going through, as I had the MIL from Hell!! This may sound odd, but I found that what works is to always respond with love, no matter what happens. You can never go wrong when you take the high road. You won't change her, but you can teach your children to always come from love. It will help them be better people, and you will feel better yourself. Your husband will also learn to respect you, even if he doesn't agree with you now. Hope this helps!

This can't qualify as "advice" - but - I will weigh in with my "vote" to not try to "fix" your husband's problem with his mother. I would agree that he had a right to refuse to allow her near your (and his) children. He knows her better than you do, remember? I would say your job is to support your husband: suggest, ask, maybe even subtly advise - but do not act against his wishes...what if the shoe was on the other foot and he didn't want the children to see your parents? Would you "allow" him to make that decision? Of course not (I hope). Likewise, you don't make this decision. Grieve about it - of course. Pray? absolutely!. Suggest to him, ask if maybe sending a picture or note updating her on their progress and achievements...

Again - take this with a BIG grain of salt - but - I think that is how I would handle it (and their were MIL probs when my kids were little - but it was up to each adult child to handle his/her parent and decide what needs to be done).