Re-kindling the Fire After Baby # 2. - Oakley,CA

What you are going through is SO common. I swear you sound like every mom in my playgroup. I don't know of a fail safe solution, but I will say that older couples I know talk about the five years their children were young being a time of very little love between the parents. Just plug along. These are the best times and the hardest-- you two sound like you are pulling it off as well or better than anyone. The good loving times will come again.

I just read a suggestion in a book I'm reading about relationships that touched on this topic. It said that conversations tend to come in three levels of intimacy. Facts then opinions then feelings. So you first meet someone, you tend to talk about facts. "What do you do? Where are you from?" Things like that. As the relationship progresses, you move to opinions. "I really disagree with what Sally said." or "I think the President is doing a great job." Then, once they've earned your trust by taking care of your opinions, the conversation moves on to feelings. "I was really discouraged by what my boss said to me today."

The book said that in the beginning married couples spend a lot of time in the feelings level, but that as time goes on they tend to rely more and more on the facts. "Did you get the diapers? Is there enough money to buy Billy new shoes?" And slowly the two start to drift apart. The author suggested taking an intentional 15 minutes each night to answer the question "What went on in your mind today?" and to answer it while touching somehow (i.e. holding hands, touching his arm, his hand on your knee). Hopefully this answer (however the question might be phrased) will give each person insight into the internal world of their partner. This is a world that is constantly evolving and always a great place for connection and understanding.

As far as the competition element goes, it's hard to keep from falling into that trap. We've found that it's easiest to fall in, when one or both of us is feeling unappreciated or taken for granted. So perhaps filling each others cups with gratitud each day would help. It's often little things. "Thanks so much for cleaning those dishes. That really made it easy to clean up tonight." or "I'm so grateful you work so hard of our family. You make our lives better everyday."

On a separate, but related note. I read something from the FlyLady once that said something to the effect that it's folly to try to divide responsibilities by 50%. She argued that each person needs to give 100% of what they've got in order for it work. You give what you've got (which is really all you can control) and if he's doing the same, then it doesn't really matter if one worked X number of hours and other Y. What matters is that you're on the same team and that each person is giving it their best.

It also sounds like you would enjoy being included in his downtime. Meanwhile he is needing a vacation from all responsibilities. Both are very valid needs. I know when that happened in our household, I was left feeling discouraged and lonely because I was now a "responsibility" and not a "someone fun to hangout with in my free time." I had to learn to separate me as a parent and me as a partner. My husband and I needed time alone so we could enjoy each other without having to jump from mom-to-wife-to-mom again throughout our interaction. Perhaps, additionally, it would help if you were able to have some downtime on a regular basis. I take a couple of hours on the weekends to do my thing. My husband is terrible at offering, so I have simply learned to value my time enough to include it as part of our regular schedule. I come back a better mom and much better wife.

I have lots more to say, but I think my post has gone on long enough. Lots of luck to you. Your husband is lucky to have such a caring and empathetic partner.

With things still being so new with your second daughter, I would just start small at this point. You have to make the decision for yourself to not fall into competing over who has it harder. It is not possible to really know how hard it is to stay-at-home unless you have done it, so just know for yourself that what you do is very grueling, but very important and often misunderstood and underappreciated by much of American society. It is not right, but it is true. You have to be the bigger person here and let him know how much you appreciate his hard work and the burden he carries by financially supporting the family. You don't have to do anything special or make any grand gesture, just simply tell him, and tell him often. Letting men know that can go a long way. It would be nice if he would reciprocate the sentiment, but don't say it to him with that expectation.
After the kids are in bed just cuddle up next to him on the couch and watch tv with him, even if you do not like what he is watching, it is about being together and physically close. Maybe by watching with him you will learn more about his interests now. Of course, if it is a sport or tv show that you don't understand, don't ask him to explain it or catch you up during the show; that really annoys them. Save those questions for a time you need a conversation starter. Men generally love to talk about their interests.
There is no reason you cannot initiate the good-bye or good-night kiss, or the random "I love you" during the day. The more you do it, the more likely he will start to do it, too.Once your daughter is a little older and you have been making these small adjustments, let him know you need to talk about the relationship. Find a time when you will not be distracted or interrupted by the kids, and don't make it intimidating for him by asking him to express his feelings. Just talk about how you feel without making accusations or complaining about his behavior. Sticking with "I..." statements is always safer and more productive. Don't put too much pressure on yourself or him just yet. You should definitely not accept "roommate status" but give it some time and start with some small changes on your end. Maybe even try reading a few books about relationships (if you can ever find the time). They definitely take work, especially after major changes like children, and we don't always know the best way to "fix" things. If you want to try counseling down the road, then definitely do so then. But I would start out with simpler things first. Good luck, and congrats on your new baby!
S.

Your new baby is only 2 weeks old. So I imagine there is a lot of sleep deprivation and adjusting going on. Not to mention your hormones are out of control right now!!!

I don't have much for advice, but I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to some of things you said in your post: competition about who works harder, lack of things to talk about. You are not alone there.

One thing that I realized after we had baby #2 was that things never will be like they used to, but that is OK. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that we will never LOVE eachother like we used to, but we will never DO the things we used to. We can't just decide at 8:00 at night that we want to go get drinks and go to the diner for cheesy gravy fries...but at 8:00 we can have a few beers in the back yard and talk!

My suggestion: once you are all healed up and feeling in the mood...go for it girl!!! I found that when there are those luls in our relationship where the intimacy is gone, the smallest little thing seems like the end of the world! Then when we get that pent up sexual frustration out, all is good!

Don't accept roommate status, you both deserve better than that!

I went through this same thing 3 years into my marriage, I stayed at home with our 2 boys, took care of the house, did the shopping, etc... and I felt like he didn't appreciate me anymore, like he was just done with me.. A year or so before we got to this hiccup in our Marriage he had bought me Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" I was so MAD that he had the audacity to tell me how to take care of him!! I didn't read it.. I just shoved it on the shelf and forgot about it... Until he stopped talking to me, drinking more, and almost ignoring me completely (until I started yelling at which point he would call me a spoiled brat and leave) so I sat down and I read it, its a wonderful piece of knowledge and should be titled something more along the lines of "How to get a Good Man to give you everything you have ever wanted and more" Basically she says that you need to just tell him you love him, appreciate him, that you need him, and in return you will get the same back 10 fold... So I started by writing him a letter, reminding him of all the fun things we used to do, and how much I appreciate the beautiful boys he gave me, how much I love him, how grateful I am that he chose me to be his wife, and that he allows me to stay home with our kids rather than requiring me to work for my half of the rent.. I started leaving these notes on the front door to read before he came in the house after a long day at work, I would sneak them into his pants pockets, I would email him at his work email, just little notes, but always remembering to say thank you, and that I love him... That was 6 years ago, we have since had two girls to add to our two boys, and we are very very happy together, he has given me everything I have asked for and more, and happily goes to work for us now.. I still send him notes, or call and leave lovey voice messages, or even a racy text now and then, I remind him why he does what he does for us everyday by thanking him, and showing him how much I love him... My Mom has even begun to describe us as excruciatingly happy because not much can shake us these days, I know that as long as I have faith in my man, and remind him of that fact frequently all will be well in my Stay at Home Mommy world... Good luck Mama, and remember to tell him everyday just how much you appreciate him!! Even on those days when you feel you need a little acknowledgment, tell him first and I promise it will come back!!!

My youngest daughter (6 yrs old) asked me why we aren't rich today & I told her because her daddy & I had her plus her sister. It's the same thing all around with just about any situation, as far as I can see it. My husband used to have an great time (sex life, going on vacations, new clothes, anything we wanted.........we had).

Then along came my oldest - my husband has had 3 jobs at one time so I could stay at home. As far as him being interested in what I did that day, he really didn't care too much but I would still tell him. A second child brings on the whole sense of responsibility again, only now it's times 2. With the way things are today it is hard to even set a goal of a vacation next year. My husband was laid of last April for almost a year from a company he was at for 21 years. There's so much going through their minds & to be honest what you are feeling is soooo soooo common - I sometimes feel like I'm cut out to do so much more in life, but first I have to be happy with the one that's in front of me now. Good luck and email me if you ever need to just vent. We have to stick together!!!!!!!

C., as the mother of 5 please let me just say that there is a time, season and place for everything in life and maybe this is a time he needs to just accept the changes in his status as a man, father, and husband. After nearly 40 years of marriage all I can say is respect him, treasure him for the jewel that he is and tell him how much you love and appreciate him. He sounds like a hero when so often we hear of sad tales of men in this world.
I know that I was blessed to have a guy that I could be fussing with one minuet and he'd smile and POW I'd fall inlove all over again. Maybe he is really under pressure at his work and with so many getting laid off is worried that he can't take proper care of his family. So be gentle and loving with him and accept that things have changed and I bet in many areas of life for the better -- you are no longer newly weds and have that puppy love look in your eyes but a much more mature and loving relationship that proves the test of time. I reallydo believe that to be cherished, respected, loved, and honored is much more important than a hot sex life--- not that thats bad either! Grow with your relationship and many of the things you want will come to pass. Maybe he is worried that just as the moment comes that one of the kids will need somethig and will ruin the moment?? Give it time, believe me I learned that it does come back and can be alot of fun rediscovering one another.

I would recommend the books "Proper Care and Feeding of Husband" by Dr. Laura Lessinger and "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. They will make you appreciate what you do have, which is a lot. Trust is #1. I was going to say, you both have to give 100%, which was mentioned. You cannot compare what you do vs. what he does. Of course, it's hard to do and it's going to come up in your mind, but really it's only going to 'cause more problems.
I think maybe it's a male thing to not offer details about your work day. I always have to ask my husband where he work (he's a self-employed carpent) and what he worked on. Some days I don't even know what he's building or where. However, if there is a cool project he's working on, he will just bring it up. And men aren't always quick to say "How was your day?" or say it at all.
My husband said it to me once when my friend was over and she was like, "How cute."
He said "what? saying how was your day?"
And there I was thinking, he hardly says it to me though. haha Maybe mention to your husband how nice it is to hear, but not in a nagging way.
And as for the hanging out with his brother, I don't blame him for that. For Mother's Day, I went shopping alone. It's hard to find time for old hobbies once you have kids.
I bet he'd want to spend time with you one on one. It's can be so hard to arrange. Do it as often as you can though, even if it's not a lot. It will make a difference!!
How about doing a nice dinner together at home? Do you usually eat together at the table? We don't. For Valentine's day we had the best time though. And I got some champagne and sorbet for dessert and it was pretty romantic even with our baby at the table. haha If he sees you making an effort, he's likely to try harder too. There are all kinds of little things you can do. Just buying a favorite candy or making a picture with your daughter for him.
Roommate status is no good. Don't let it stay that way. I think just having one special day every now and then makes those though days so much more barable.

"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger(sp?) is a great book (and admittedly not a so great title)

I recommend this book, not because I'm implying HE needs to be taken care of, but because reading this book shows you that, by taking care of him you become the one he'd do anything for. Read it & try it at least.

Weekly date night. My husband and I started it after baby #2. Most of the time it is something like grabbing an inexpensive bite to eat and then wandering the mall, sporting goods store, etc. We don't spend a lot of money but it gives us alone time. And then we are not hampered by having the kids and that responsibility for just a couple of hours.

We are lucky. At first we did not have to pay the babysitter because my sisters were around an available. Now we pay my niece $10 to watch the kids for the evening.

Good luck!

Hi, I remember going through this (very similar) after we had baby #2. She was very demanding baby (and still is), I have not slept well and was very stressed. I didn't noticed the stress part till I've noticed myself wanting to eat and eat and eat for pleasure and not for nutrition. We had very hard time communicating with my husband. I cried a lot because of that. We were so disconnected in my eyes that I thought that our marriage would come to an end. Believe me, I am totally against divorce, but my life was so miserable that I was thinking about a way out.
When our baby was 6 mo old I started taking supplements to help with the stress part: Omega Mood (fish oil supplement) and B-stress formula and it made huge difference for me. I was much and much more calm. Then our relationships with my husband started to get better too. In a short while we were in honeymoon stage again.
Do whatever it takes to save your marriage!!!
I once received a great advice from an older happy couple: they said that a person cannot be truly happy by himself, he needs another person to be happy together. So if you want to be happy, make everything possible to make your husband happy and he will in return make you happy. In marriage you cannot make yourself happy by yourself, it is your husband who can make you happy and visa versa.

P.S we didn't have such a rough time with baby #3. Now my 3rd baby is 4 mo old and we are still like honeymooners ;)

Be blessed

I felt very similar a few months ago and am a young mom/wife! I got some great advice maybe check out some of my responses bc these ladies who answered for me were wonderful and seriously within a week or so everything was back to normal! IMO I think you should tell him you HAVE to talk about a few things that are bothering you! Also he might be scared about sex (I know my husband was). Just talk to him and tell him that he should have time with you and not always work or his brother. IDK the situation, but I would really recomend looking at my post. I hope all works out---Ash

I'm having similar problems. I think my husband is worried about money and the possibility of losing his job, etc. I signed him up with a therapist. It's been 2 weeks, so I'm not sure if it's helping, but he has been more connected to us.

Thank u for asking this. I just had baby #2 (he will be 6 weeks this Thursday) & have been in the same 'feeling' off & on for the last year. It was great to read all the suggestions & actually I used to love that book by Dr. Laura-proper care & feeding...& even gave it to a few friends when they first got married. I have been married now 8 years & together 11 (I am 31) & it was nice to be reminded about it because I had completely put it out of my mind since I read it years ago...I am inspired now to break it back out & make fixing things more of a priority rather than the easier-for me way-of just dealing & the flight path my mind takes rather than the embracing & trying to learn how to make it better in simple ways (I always tend to look at it as a 'feat' which requires too much energy so then nothing ever gets 'fixed' on my part) Anyhow just wanted to let u know there are more of us out here going thru the same thing & thank u for sharing. Take care & good luck.

I find it interesting that you wrote "Now, I know what you're thinking..."---because I was NOT thinking that.

Write sweet notes. Take more grown-up time, both together and apart.

Don't Be jealous of his brother...time with his brother probably means time without responsibility, and everyone needs that stress relief for the sake of their sanity. If anything, you could ask his brother to help you arrange a special surprise for your husband...that would probably mean a lot to your husband, and would show him that you were thinking of him, and that you know that his brother knows him well, and would make his brother think well of you and say nice things about you to your husband. =)
We value our loved ones all the more when we feel that they value US.