Racial Comments Made in Front of Daughter in Public

I'm a first generation Asian-American and can tell you that the stereotyping you witnessed is common & unfortunate. First, as your child grows, teach her what you can about her birth culture, but your daughter isn't Asian, she's Asian-American. Also be sure to teach her about your family's history & culture. With regard to overt racial comments... ignore them. You have every right to be in that public place, and leaving just taught that uneducated individual that his opinion made a difference to you (and probably made him feel justified in saying it). With regard to how to address it with your child? A simple way my mom explained people of different races & colors was to take me out to her garden & show me all the different pretty flowers. it takes flowers of all different colors, shapes & sizes to make a beautiful garden.

I want to advise you now, I was sometimes caught off-guard by racial stereotyping in the most unexpected places. Usually it was well-meaning people who would ask me "What nationality are you?" or "Are you Korean?" I used to be offended, given that I don't walk up to the average caucasian person & ask them what nationality they are... but you get used to it. My personal favorite was being complimented on how well I speak English. (I would hope I speak English well, given it is the only language I speak fluently.) And tell her never to date boys who have a "thing" for dating Asian girls. That's just plain creepy.

I won't lie, your daughter will be hurt by this now and again, but she will also learn to love her identity. She will love her shiny black hair & her smooth porcelain skin. I look at how my mom has barely aged in her 70 years & am grateful to know how I might look 30 years from now.

Please, teach her to love who she is because of the beautiful person she is, inside and out. Teach her to smile when people ask what nationality she is and teach her to reply "I'm American, silly! But my parents chose me from _____"

(Oh, and teach her that she'll look ridiculous with blonde hair, but let her find out for herself if she must. I think we've all done that at least once.)

Best of luck & much love,

C.

Unfortunately this country has become littered with this kind of mentality in the past few years. These guys probably listen to Rush Limbaugh or some other creep spewing anti-American hate speech. But you need to teach your daughter to be comfortable and proud about who she is and let her know that when people talk like that it's only because they are uneducated on the subject. Just because people are older than her doesn't mean they are smarter.

I don't think there's any point in getting defensive. I would just explain how unfortunately some people just never were taught common sense and manners. What they are saying is ludicrous and deserves no more reaction than amusement. If they were younger it might be a teachable moment and you could explain to them that they shouldn't believe everything they hear and that it is not polite to make negative remarks about people, but these old men were probably too set in their ways to learn anything.

If you are perfectly confident that there is nothing bad about your daughter's racial make-up, then she will learn that it's the other person's problem.

I had a coworker who once told me a story that I thought was great....I just wanted to share. She was in Junior High School at the time and was falling behind on her social studies grade. She asked her teacher if there was something she could do for extra credit to bring her grade up. He asked her to write a paper explaining the customs, languages, etc. from her country. She was born in Asia, but adopted shortly after birth into an American home. Sooo, she did a great paper on America, much to her teacher's surprise. He apologized later.

I think you did the right thing in not confronting them. You can't change their attitudes in a few minutes at McDonalds. Just continue to raise your child with the knowlede of her ethinicty and about the intolerance of other people as well.
In the future, if you're brave enough, and the opportunity arises again, I would strike up my own conversation. Most of my family is from Germany and so therefor are immigrants. I would just start talking to my little one loudly about how my family immigrated, and how it's a blessing that we have a FREE country that is built on many immigrants. See if that curbs a few wagging tongues!!

I'm deeply saddened by the ignorance of some people. You're right in that this country's foundation is built on men and women from various backgrounds, culture and ideals - which is what I thought made this country as remarkable as it is! However, there are those few who remain close-minded, uncultured and ignorant. Instead of feeling angry, try and feel pity for them. No one can rightly claim that they are true Americans since the majority of our ancestors (if not all) have come from foreign lands. And perhaps at your daughter's age, it isn't as important to her as it clearly is to you. Perhaps, impart on her that she is as valuable to this country as the next person over, regardless of her race or creed (just like like our fathers meant). My skin color is not white but I have never considered myself as a minority either...and I thank my parents for teaching me to go beyond the surface.

I'm sorry you had this experience. There are some pretty insensitive and racist people, aren't there? Calling them out may have brought their behavior to your daughter's attention, but I agree that saying something may have been in order. Hopefully they would be embarassed and shut their mouths. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when did we learn that we have to express our opinions out loud whenever and wherever we want. Hurtful and rude is what those men were! Brush it off -- they're not worth your concern.

I really appreciate your comments Christina C. My 8 month old daughter is Cambodian-American. About a month ago I took my daughter with me to a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine. A woman I didn't know approached me and asked where my beautiful daughter had come from. I was totally confused by her question until the friend I was talking to responded that I was her mama. Then I realized she had assumed my daughter was adopted. I knew that at some point my daughter's ethinic background would be something we would need to talk about with her and that there would be assumptions made by other people. I just wasn't prepared for that to happen already. But it has gotten me thinking about what will be important to teach our daughter and about how I will respond to rude comments that others make.

My husband is white and had an experience similarly to Erica's; Someone asked him where our child (who is bi racial) was from. I loved his answer, he said " My wife!" the person walked away confused. I feel like if you ask a dumb question, you should get a dumb answer. Even if a child is adopted, asking where they are from is inappropriate. Christina is right, teach your daughter what it means to be both Asian and American, they are not the same thing. As for a response to comments, my stance, pick your battles, you will know when to fight. Stay strong and continue to raise a confident, smart young lady.

Fortunately, people in today's society are more welcoming of people of different races. It sounds like these old guys are a throwback to a time gone by. Your attitude about the situation will determine how your kids feel about people like this, and how they feel about themselves. It is best to be honest but not angry. These were stupid, uneducated people who are not important to you or your children. It is THEIR problem, not your daughter's problem. I wouldn't make a bit deal out of it, but would honestly answer any questions she may have. If you teach your kids a healthy attitude towards discrimination, it will help them later in life (not hinder them).

My daughter is biracial, and people make comments about her skin and hair in front of her all the time.

Two of the comments that my daughter, now 6, has heard multiple times and even has learned to say to people is, "Isn't it wonderful how you can believe anything you want in America, even if it isn't the truth?" "Aren't we lucky that we understand that who we are is more important than what we look like?"

We have also had a similar experience, though at a Perkins restaurant, where the people at the table next to us began talking about how "it's all the damn blacks fault that our taxes are so high." My daughter was almost 5 at the time, and I knew that she heard them, and I could see her eyes welling up with tears. I talked to the management about the situation (they went and talked to the table) and we moved. In retrospect, I wish that I had been more forthright and forceful and walked to the table and sat down with them and told them exactly what their comments were doing to my child. It may not have changed anything, but I would have at least set an example for my child that we do not accept that type of disrespect around us.

I wish you a lot of luck and peace -

First of all (((((( Hugs )))))) to you and your daughter. How terrible. They obviously wanted you to hear them. It just makes me so angry that there are people out there who will attack (yes they attacked you) a mother and her child as to make you feel inferior and not worthy. Some would say do what you said by confonting them, but you don't know what they are capable of. Some people have no values or scruples anymore. A few years ago I would have confronted them, but now a days people hurting one another in public seems to be the norm. You don't know what they would have done to your or your daughter. Throughout my life I have found that racist people can be the most violent. They believe so much in their point of view that they will harm others to get it across. You did the right thing by not confronting them, so don't beat yourself up over it. You protected your daughter. I come from a racially mixed background so when looking at me most assume I am bi-racial (black/white). As a child I had blond hair. A gene from my great great great grandmother. Both my parents are black. My mother would get horrible looks from strangers (black and white) as though she were just the scum of the earth. I don't really remember the looks until I was about 13 when one woman actually said something. We were at Crossroads Mall (not sure if you are in the Omaha area)and this woman was glaring at us. She came up to me (when my mom was in the dressing room) and said with a contorted look on her face - "disgusting!" I had no idea what she was talking about since I had never seen or met this woman before in my life. I never told my mother until years later. It was then that I realized what occurred. Both my parents would get those looks from strangers when out with me. They said they just ignored them as best they could and tried to protect me from it. She will become aware of it at some point and sadly enought it will be part of your lives, but you will become strong from it. Do you know any other individuals with the same family blend?

My current motto: "Your opinion of me is none of my business."

God bless you and (((((hugs)))))) again.