Question Sparked off Arthur's Question About Sex....

Libby:

Since Greg and Nick are having "Family Life" "teachings" in school - they are looking at girls differently. Greg now that he's in the 6th grade - he's seeing girls a tad bit differently. Nicky- still has the coodies mentality!! WHEW!!

With Elayne? Boys for her didn't become 'hhhhmmmm" until she was 13...she was a tom boy and it seemed that when she got her period - her attitude changed as well....

We talk to our kids about making good choices. Explaining to them that sex is fun - but it's something adults do as there are some HUGE risks behind it...babies, diseases, etc. while we'd like for them to wait until marriage - I know that's not always going to be an option. We talk openly about things in our home...and also correct the things that are heard in school....

I think it's about communication - stressing your values, morals and such to your kids- leading by example - that helps the best.

I cannot say for others.

I was in the 6th grade and didn't care at all about girls.
I was in the 7th grade and walked half a mile so I could get on the school bus ahead of a beautiful girl I had a big, big crush on. My crush was so big, I still remember her name and what she looked like. (I got on the school bus ahead of her so I could offer her the seat beside me which she took almost every day.) I was in 7th heaven when she sat beside me.

For a more practical matter, how do you teach your sons how to treat a lady? By example ! ! ! I opened the doors for my wife since our first date, and still do. My sons open the doors for their wives. My daughters came home from dates and told me they weren't going to date "him" any more because he wasn't a "gentleman". (It was all I could do to keep from jumping in the air with a clenched fist and yelling "YES!".)

I NEVER allowed my kids to talk back to their mom or say bad things to her. I always told them "No one talks to my wife that way! Not you! Not anyone!" My intent was to let them know that their mom's most important title was "Wife, Lady of the House". And I treated her that way.

If you want to teach your sons good manners and how to treat a lady, then have your husband treat you that way. My sons and daughters saw me giving my wife flowers and cards. They read some of the love poems I wrote to my wife. They heard my wife and I try to see which of us could wish the other "Happy Anniversary" first on the 28th of each month. (We were married on the 28th of July and celebrated every month since we were married.) 6 of my kids were married on the 28th. My #7 asked if he and his finance could share our anniversary (28th of July). Six of my kids spouses have come to me and thanked me for raising their spouse the way I did.

I hope this helps. All my kids have good marriages with spouses they love and respect. I wanted to teach my kids lots of things and give them lots of skills before they left my home. The most important things I taught them was how and what you have to do to have a good marriage and how to treat your wife and kids.

If you have any questions, e-mail me. Good luck to you and yours.

Not sure how to answer ALL of your question, but I think most of what your son will learn about how to treat women will come from practical experience. By that I mean, how your husband insists that he treat YOU. :)

My husband has always made it a point to remind our son that he is to be a protector of women, not a hazard. He is to always aim to help his sister be safe, not pick on her or laugh if others pick on her. He also will step in when my son has (on rare occasion) gotten mouthy or disrespectful towards me (even a little) and corrected him and set him straight about how he ought to behave/respect me. Makes him apologize, etc. It doesn't happen a lot, but maybe once or twice a year this issue creeps up. My son is 13 now. My husband also reminds ME, that I need to call my son out when he treats me with disrespect (which includes things like ignoring what I have told him to do--not just backtalk or something egregious).

And, my husband models respect for others in general, and women in particular.
Additionally, we have had our son enrolled in martial arts (which the most stressed concept within martial arts is "respect") since he was not quite 6 years old. He hopes to test for his 2nd degree Black Belt in February, assuming his currently inflamed knee cartilage is adequately recovered and he is able to resume his conditioning training by next week. :/

There isn't one talk you can have with them about respect. It is something they learn over time, just like they can learn poor behavior over time (by seeing it and it being accepted behavior). Even when we see other people out and about, we talk (me and the kids when we get back in the car or when we can't be overheard) about what we saw, and whether that is the appropriate way to treat someone else, etc. It all adds up over years and years.
ETA: Thanks Rosebud. My son is halfway thru 8th grade right now. His voice hasn't changed yet, but everything else is starting to. lol

My son just turned 13.
For the most part he thinks girls are a waste of time, but there are a few that he's beginning to respect.
There are a few girls who can kick serious butt in taekwondo and one girl is in competition with him for first chair clarinet.
So far he notices what they can do, not how they look.

My son is 5, but my nephews, whom I am very close to went thru puberty early around 9 ... it was around then that they started to see girls in a different light. I am not sure if it was the age or the puberity but I think close to the double digit age group and around the time putberity hits is when that is in full force. Honestly, I think it's best you start now. My son will do/say something that may be disrespectful to me and Daddy does not say that is not how you treat your mother, he might say "That is not how you treat a lady" or "You need to apologize to my woman that is not ok to say" correcting him right then that it was not gentlemenly nor was it appropriate to say to a woman Mom or not. Yes, I like the term "my woman" I know some women do not just as some do not like to be called honey, darling or dear. I think teaching our boys how to treat a woman starts at home with how he sees you being treated by Dad or other male figures and pointing out those moments in praise and in correction.

I have two daughters and I really can't answer. I think because my daughters are tomboys, they just never viewed boys as yucky, they are friends.

My younger daughter is ten and sees no reason to date a boy. My older daughter didn't date until she was 18 and in college. Perhaps it is that they have always been comfortable interacting with boys they don't feel like they have to date them or have sex with them to have that so they just don't feel rushed to join in the dating game.

My boys were the same way, by the way. Sorry I feel like I didn't answer the question. I guess I see it as a work in progress, there is no right or wrong answers you just have to pay attention to your kids.

Depends on the kid. I was all googley about boys when I was 10 and about that age SD had her first admitted crush. I'm sure SS was googley about girls by 6th grade, though his first "girlfriend" at 13 was short lived because her parents Did Not Approve (in part due to culture differences). Neither sk had a serious BF/GF til 16.

I agree that if you want your kids to know how to be treated and how to treat others, you show them. Got boys? YOU take them and teach them to open doors, take coats, etc. Show your DH respect in front of them. Have him help them with things like bringing you (or grandma) flowers. Just treat you like a person and not an object. Have dinner together - I was surprised to find out how many teens don't even have dinner at home with the family.

8th grade: they begin it as babies, and end it with deep voices and hair all over their bodies.

We never had one talk -- things were just discussed from the time they were little as they came up in conversation, as age-appropriate. So by the time they were interested, they knew our views.

Teach your boys to be kind people and they will treat girls accordingly.

Totally depends on the child. At our daughters elementary school there were a group of 4th graders for some reason totally started the girlfriend boyfriend thing and the teachers held a meeting with the parents in that grade level to discuss strategies, to try to hold off this behavior.

That particular group continued to be a handful all the way through high school.

The teachers are saying the kids are younger now when they can begin to notice the opposite sex, but they are trying to make it more of a respect thing than a puppy love thing.

Sometimes having older siblings in the home can have an effect. So you need to make sure the young child is allowed to continue to be their age, rather than trying to make them grow up too fast.

Well, you know, all kids mature differently. With boys you'll have a little bit longer, but even then, you just need to know your kid.

My daughter will be 11 at the end of February. She & I had a basic talk about her body & how it works & what she could be expecting within the next few years about 2 years ago when I saw she was going through some physical changes. As far as "boys are yucky", she never really went through that.

My son turned 12 this past summer. I had my husband have a basic talk with him around the same time I talked with our daughter so he was a year & a half older than she was. (This coincided with him going to his first school dance, which is really what prompted it, btw.) He's still not ready, though he likes girls & no longer thinks they're gross, to have a girlfriend or be getting physical. He's just not at that place yet. He's still much too into baseball & video games. His father was a kind of late bloomer, too, so I'm not surprised. I am, quite frankly, supremely relieved that he's further on this side of the fence than the other.

My boys are 7 and 14 (2nd and 8th grades), and we talk about sex/relationships/bodies pretty openly all the time. We vary the way we talk to them depending on which son because of their age differences.

I teach high school, and I come home talking to them about what happens at school. We often talk about teen pregnancies and how it changes my students' lives. We also talk about drinking and drugs. I want my children to be informed about all of the risks involved in the decisions they will be faced with in the future.

We talked about bodies and personal space from the time the boys were very young. The first major "sex" talk was when our oldest was going into 4th grade, but it was just the beginning of the conversation. It just opened the door. We talk about sex anytime; sometimes he has questions, sometimes it comes up from something happening at school, sometimes it comes up from a telivision show, commercial, or movie. Both boys are comfortable talking to us about pretty much anything.

As for when girls weren't gross anymore, for our oldest it was probably about 4th grade. He wasn't really interested in girls, but many of the boys were, and most of the girls were interested in boys, so the whole dynamic changed. He's had one sort of serious girlfriend, and has had one "real" kiss. The relationship only lasted about six weeks, and he hasn't been looking for another one. He's happy just looking. :)

Communication is key with helping kids make good decisions, and then we hope for the best. :)

ETA: I also agree with 8kidsdad. We have a very happy, respectful marriage, and I think that is the best example we set for our children.

Just want to say good for you for thinking about these things and for wanting your boys to be respectful of women. I agree with others who said example is the best on that one - like anything if you don't practice what you preach kids will zero in on that and think you are a hypocrite! But also assuming you are setting a good example, it certainly doesn't hurt to reinforce it with discussion! Especially about things they don't see, like intimate situations. Reminders about potential situations and that "no means no" are important for kids with raging hormones. And so good to hear from a male role model.

I also agree when the ick factor leaves depends on the kids and their personalities. My 15 year old daughter still pretends to not care about boys (although I think she probably really does) and my 10 year old daughter has always been a bit boy crazy and "can't wait to have a boyfriend"... sigh.

I just keep trying to talk more about things as each child seems ready for it. If you are thinking about it, chances are it might be time to have another updated talk! The more you do it the easier it gets. Good luck!