Question on Behavior of a Two Year Old!?!

I think it is perfectly normal! I have 20 month old twin boys and one of them has fits just like that from time to time! I just let him have his fit and then we move on...unless we are out like we were the other day!!! It's hard to see them like that but normal!

It's very normal! I hope that this helps...

Tantrums - Also known as Emotional Storms, Temper Tantrums
by Dr. Alan Greene, MD, FAAP

1. Introduction
2. What is it?
3. Who gets it?
4. What are the symptoms?
5. Is it contagious?
6. How long does it last?
7. How is it diagnosed?
8. How is it treated?
9. How can it be prevented?
10. Related illnesses

Introduction:

When your child kicks and screams at not getting his way, the outburst often seems to come at the least opportune times: when you're on the phone, trying to get out the door, or trying to make dinner, or when you're at the grocery store or a family gathering.

What is it?:

Temper tantrums are expressions of intense, immediate frustration. They occur most frequently at an age when children's verbal skills are inadequate to express their roiling emotions.

Gradually, after a child has mastered walking, an irresistible urge to make his own choices begins to well up inside him. This is an exciting development. But to make an independent choice, he must disagree with you in order for the choice to be his own. When you ask him to do something, part of him wants to please you, but part of him wants to refuse.
Many people call this important phase of development "the terrible twos." I prefer to call it "the first adolescence." This period begins long before age 2 and actually continues long afterward, but in the majority of children, it's most intensely focused around the period from 1 1/2 to 3 years of age.

The hallmark of this stage is oppositional behavior. Our wonderful children instinctively want to do exactly the opposite of what we want. We have nice, reasonable expectations and they say "NO!" or they simply dissolve into tears. Suppose you have to go someplace in a hurry. Your son has been in a great mood all day. But when you say, "I need you to get into the car right now," he'll want to do anything but that!

As if this weren't enough, children in this phase of development have a great deal of difficulty making the choices they so desperately want to make. You ask your child what he would like for dinner and he says macaroni. You lovingly prepare it for him. Then as soon as it's made he says, "I don't want that!" It's perfectly normal for him to reverse a decision as soon as he has made it, because at this stage he even disagrees with himself.

This phase is difficult for parents but it's also hard for children. When children take a stand that opposes their parents, they experience intense emotions. Although they are driven to become their own unique persons, they also long to please their parents. Even now, when I do something that my parents disagree with, I feel conflicted. I'm an adult, living in a different city, making well thought out choices, and it's still difficult. For a child who is tentatively learning to make choices, who is dependent on his parents for food, shelter, and emotional support, it's even more intense. Dissolving into tears is an appropriate expression of the inner turmoil that is so real for children who are in the midst of this process.

This season of emotional outbursts in children is reminiscent of labor--a series of intense spasms that ushers in a whole new phase of life.

Who gets it?:

Children going through this volatile developmental stage are most likely to get frustrated and have a tantrum when the intensity of the immediate situation increases. The excess stimulation may be visual, auditory, tactile, or a combination. It often includes being confronted with a bewildering array of choices, or being unable to get the attention or the desired, chosen outcome.

Let's look at the example of the grocery store. As an adult, you can choose whether you want to go to the grocery store, when to go, and which products you are going to buy. When you are shopping together, your child will see things he wants. To make the situation worse, there are cleverly designed packages up and down the aisles that scream, "Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!" We are largely able to tune that out (although it affects us more than we think). For small children who are just learning to make choices, it's like going to a deafening rock concert. They are visually overwhelmed by high-decibel choices. They are compelled to start wanting multiple attractive items. When they can't have what they want, they dissolve into tears or screams. Of course everybody in the store turns and looks at your child, and worse--at you!

Almost all healthy children will have a number of temper tantrums but will eventually discard them as they find better strategies.

Those with ongoing tantrums often have reasons for ongoing frustration. Or they have discovered that tantrums work! If tantrums result in the desired attention or outcome, they can become a powerful habit. Often tantrums only occur when the parents are present.

What are the symptoms?:

A child may be acting "out of sorts" before the tantrum begins. Then he asks for something he can't have, can't make up his mind, or tries to do something but fails. Crying--perhaps screaming--will result. Some kids flail their arms and kick their legs. Some throw themselves on the ground. Some cry hard enough to vomit (making their parents desperately want to give in). Others will hold their breath, even to the point of passing out.

Is it contagious?:

Tantrums are not contagious, although the behavior of those around a tantrum can play into it.

How long does it last?:

Most children outgrow frequent tantrums by the time their language is mostly understandable to strangers.

How is it diagnosed?:

Tantrums are not a diagnosis. They are a normal phase of development, though they may be more prolonged, more frequent, or more intense in some children.

How is it treated?:

Realize that tantrums are expression of acute frustration. They deserve a medium amount of attention--children should not feel that they get more of your attention by throwing a fit. Parents may be tempted to be loud or angry, but tantrums are a time to be calm.

First, take a deep breath. As a pediatrician, I've been in a grocery store with one of my own screaming kids, with my patients in the checkout line. My first thought is, "I wish I could drop through the floor so nobody would see me." Many people won't understand, especially people who don't have kids yet. They will look at you and think your child is spoiled or that you are a bad parent. But you probably have a normal child and are a good parent.

When I see a parent whose child is having a tantrum in a store, I am reminded of labor. When I look at a mom in labor, I see something that is heroic, triumphant, and beautiful. Tears come to my eyes when I am privileged to be a part of a birth. So, the next time your child starts flailing and shrieking, take a deep breath and remember: If Dr. Greene were here, he would see something heroic and beautiful.

Next, while you are taking a deep breath, consciously relax. Kids play off your emotions. It's hard to relax in this situation, but just let your muscles go. The more uptight you are, the more energy is available for their tantrums. Kids thrive on attention, even negative attention.

Where you go from here depends on your child. Some children will calm down if you pick them up and hold them. My first son was like that. His storm would dissolve if you just gave him a big hug and told him it would be all right. If you picked up my second son during a storm, he would hit you--there were different ways to get him to calm down. Each child is unique.
Handle tantrums with a light touch. Seasoning the interaction with understanding, humor, and distractions can save the day. One thing that often works very well is to try to voice to the child what he is going through. "You really want to get this, don't you?" Then he may melt and say, "Uh-huh."

You'll have to experiment to find out what helps your child understand that everything is okay, that these bad feelings will pass, and that it's all a normal part of growing up.
Whatever you do, if your child has a temper tantrum to try to get something, don't give it to him, even if you would have ordinarily done so. Giving in to tantrums is what spoils a child. Giving in is the easiest, quickest solution in the short run. But it damages your child, prolongs this phase, and ultimately creates far more discomfort for you. Choosing your child's long-term gain over such dramatic short-term relief is part of what makes properly handling temper tantrums so heroic.

How can it be prevented?:

Children are most susceptible to storms when they are tired, hungry, uncomfortable, bored, or overstimulated.
Be creative at orchestrating life to minimize tantrum weather. You may want a toy basket that only comes out when you are on the phone or online. A great time for your child to watch an entertaining video is when you're preparing dinner.

When possible, plan shopping for times when your child is rested, fed, and healthy. Interact with him throughout shopping and/or bring along stimulating toys or books.
Remember the situation from your child's perspective. You are going along making choice after choice, but when he tries to make a choice, he doesn't get what he wants. How frustrating! It's often helpful to let your child pick out one or two things when at the store. When a child asks for something, instead of saying "no" (which will immediately make him say "yes"), try saying, "Let's write that down." Then write it down. When your child asks for something else, write that down too. Then when you are all done, read back a few of the things on the list that you think would be good choices, and let him pick one or two of the things on the list. If children can make some choices, they will learn more and feel better.

Another worthwhile technique is to make a list before you go to the store. That way it won't look so arbitrary when you pick what you want while your child doesn't get his choice. As you shop, whenever you put something in your basket, check it off your list. Even if it's not on your list, check it off. The list is to teach that each item has a purpose, not that you had thought of it previously.

His task during this time is to gain skill at making appropriate choices. To help him accomplish this, offer limited choices at every opportunity. He will be demonstratively frustrated if he is given direct commands with no options. He will decompensate if he has too many alternatives. Two or three options generally work best.
Make sure the choices you offer fall within an appropriate agenda. Your son still needs the security of knowing that he's not calling all the shots. When it's time to eat, say something like, "Would you rather have a slice of apple or a banana?" He feels both the reassuring limits that you set and the freedom to exercise his power within those limits. If there are two things he needs to do, let him decide which to do first, when appropriate.

Related illnesses:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Breath Holding
Head Banging
Nightmares
Separation Anxiety

Toddler Tamers
Practical discipline tactics for the Terrible Twos

Toddler discipline seems almost an oxymoron to any mom who's tried to exert even minimal control over her tantruming 2-year-old. But even at this nonverbal stage, a child can easily distinguish between a parent's pleasure and displeasure. When she learns not to touch the stove, it's because she's afraid of losing your love -- not because she understands she'll get burned (she won't understand cause and effect until age 5 or 6) -- but that's all you need to lay the groundwork for discipline. Once you've childproofed your home from top to bottom and set a few simple rules, follow these techniques to stem the tide of your toddler's bad behavior:

Little scribblers
Does your child love to draw on the walls? Give her another choice. You can say, "No, we don't draw on the walls. But here's some paper you can write on." If she's unhappy with the suggestion, distract her with something else: A look at a board book and a quick snuggle can do the trick.

Meltdown defusion
How to show her you're in charge when she has a meltdown? Most experts agree that before age 2, a time-out isn't useful. But you might try the "lap hold," a modified version of it. Just sitting with your child in your arms for a few moments can often defuse an out-of-control situation.

Helpful concessions
Toddlers crave control, and if you give them a little, they tend to be happier. So let your child make decisions over such unimportant matters as what to wear or what she wants for breakfast (but you do need to stand your ground when it comes to making her sit in her car seat or get her shots.).

The magic word
Save the word "no" for when it's really necessary -- when your toddler's about to bite his playmate, for instance. Otherwise, the more you use the word, the more you dilute its impact, making it more likely he won't listen to you.

Lots of lovin'
As important as the discipline itself is the notion of kissing and making up afterward, which tells her you still love her, even when you don't love her behavior. After you and your child have had it out, share a big hug before you move on.

Catch her being good
The most powerful form of discipline? Positive reinforcement -- and that goes for any age. The more positive attention you give your toddler, the fewer reasons she'll have to go after the negative kind. So every time she breaks a rule ("Don't dump Mommy's purse!"), offer an alternative ("Let's dump these blocks instead"); and counter every infraction ("We don't hit!") with encouragement ("You're petting the dog so gently").

Pacify public tantrums
Anyone who's taken a toddler anywhere knows that mortification waits around every corner. Meltdowns generally start around 18 months. Things to keep in mind:
Try to preempt common tantrum triggers (fatigue, hunger, boredom, frustration) by doing errands in the morning or after naptime, and bringing snacks and an unfamiliar toy.
If prevention fails, ignore the tantrum. Pretend the screaming doesn't upset, impress, or affect you, and he'll realize there's little point in continuing.
If all else fails, get out of there! Leave the grocery cart, grab your child, and head for your car. His meltdown may simply be a plea for a hug or some undivided attention, so give him both when he's calmed down.
-- Abby Margolis Newman

More on this topic: What Makes a Toddler Tick - www.parenting.com

I don't know about every few minutes but I know that when my son was 2 he did have horrible tantrums, any and EVERY where we went. The only thing I came up with to do was keep him BUSY. Let him run around outside, roll a ball to him and make him kick it try to play games that will tire him out. All the doctors ever told me about my son's tantrums was that if they continued when he was older than there was a problem but that is why they call this stage the Terrible Twos. If you know anyone with other boys get them together and see how he acts around others. Make sure you warn the other parents your son has tantrums and that way when he does everyone is prepared. Don't worry most parents have gone through it. I know I did it started about a week before my son turned two and ended a few weeks after he turned 3. He's now 3 1/2 and he doesn't throw himself around now but it is because he can tell me now in loud words what he wants. Most tantrums happen because your child is trying to tell you something and he doesn't know how. If playing and tiring him out doesn't work set him in time out even if it is to sit him on the couch with no TV. The main thing you have to do when he has a fit is IGNORE him. The more you react the more he goes along with it. Good Luck and let me know if I can help again.

V.

My 2 1/2 yr old son did the same thing, it got so bad to where he was hitting himself, pulling his hair and the fits would seemed to last forever. It got so bad that the upstairs neighbor called my condo association to tell them that the crying was really bothering her after being threated of being evicted we went to my peditrican and found out all of this was completely normal and that it does pass and now he is a charm hardly any fits at all. Good luck too u, oh and he also said to just ignore him and go about what I was doing and it worked in like two weeks his fits became less and less.

I think is the age b/c my baby is similar but not that dramatic only when something goes wrong for her. But you should talk to the dr on ways to control his temper a little bit. But this attitude is normal. i guess. Good luck

I would say it's not normal for him to have these fits all the time. Does he get much attention or have other siblings? Does he have language or speech problems that would make it difficult for him to express what he wants or needs? Let me know.
Thanks.

it all depends... is it everyday, or once in a while. And also does he try to hurt himself (i.e. hit his head on the floor, bite himself). Also how is his speech and learning? I have a friend who's son is autistic, and in the beginning, you could barely say one word to him with out him flipping out and throwing a fit. And it was constant fits all day everyday. He was diagnosed a little over a year ago, and at the time the dr's said he had the speech patterns of an 18 month old, and he was a little over 3 years old! He also was kind of a loner, played alone alot. He is now in a speial school that deals with autistic and other special needs children, and is getting better as time goes on.

I have a special needs child. Now age 15.

It is normal for children this young to throw temper tantrums but if they are that freguent I would speak to his pediatrican.
He may recommend an evaluation.

Hi J.,

I believe that it is normal, I have a 2 1/2 yo boy, too. He has his times when he has a "fit". But I believe that if you ignore him and let him have it out, you would see a whole different child! I notice if I give into him, he starts to smile and sees he is getting his way!! CHildren are very intelligent, more than we give them credit for! They know how to push our buttons, and we give in b/c we don't want them to hurt in anyway!! I have come to the conclusion you have to just let him have it out, and then you will see a difference!! I hope I was some help, and I hope that your situation gets better!
R.

Hi J., I am a mother of a 2 1/2 yo boy as well. I am going through the same thing. He is a perfect angel and the best kid ever and then a switch goes off and there is no talking to him or consoling him. He has to have things done his way and only his way. If his father got him a drink and he wanted mommy to get him a drink he would rather have a five to ten minute crying fit then accept the drink from anyone other then who he wanted it from...does that make since. I am guessing this is normal, but would like some guidance as well. Any ideas?

R

I also have a two year old son, and my experience is that he acts up when he feels he's not getting enough of my attention. If someone comes over and I start talking to them, or if I''m busy cleaning/whatnot. We recently had twins and let me tell you that was a real problem for him. He raised holy hell for the first six weeks, at which point I think either he just gave up or we somehow managed to divide our attention in a better way. Is your full time job a new thing? Or maybe there's something else going on in your lives that is taking you away from him a little. If so, you just need to give it time. For me, it only got worse before it got better, but then one day I just took a deep breath and realized that it had improved.

I have worked for many years in childcare and spent lots of time with two year olds sometimes with 24 in the one room.
Tantrums are for a few reasons
frustration is a big factor cause they do not have their language to express why they are so angry.

a second reason can be your child is not getting enough sleep and maybe needs that 1hr nap in the middle of the day. I am sure some parents feel like they need a nap in the middle of the day !

A third reason is the most common which is attention seeking if we scream and shout at our better halfs it gets his attention, they are the same. So it needs to be a quick chat about the issue they are crying about a hug if needed and change the subject or get your child involved in something else.

I have tacken children to health visitors before and they say it is normal terrible two's stage of development
best of luck
x

it can be very normal, its a pert of development. The only thing that comes to mind (i know not all situations are like mine) is make sure there is no health issues. i am learning now with my youngest sons health issues that he doesnt know hes feeling bad he just knows he needs to behave a certain way. I am begining to be able to tell when his chest hurts and when he cant breathe based on his color and behavior. hes not trying to be mean or unruley but hes not able to express what he is feeling so gets really irritable and cranky. you son maybe having the communication issuew without health concerns. this is a hard age, they want to communicate but just are not quite great at it yet, I know i too would be frustrated. hope that helps.

Based on what you have written, I would be concerned. Two year olds do not tantrum every couple minutes for no reason. Having said that, is it really for no reason or reasons that are not obvious to you? Also, how long do the tantrums last? Is he able to soothe himself or is this related to commanding your attention. I think there is some great advice already given here, but you may want to take your son to see a specialist just to rule out medical causes.

Ignore it and walk away.. when he does it, just calmly say "let me know when you are done" and turn your back.. a lot of times they do it just to see the reaction they get. good luck..

hi J., yes it is completely normal for them at that age to take temper tantrums. it's called the terrible two's stage and if you ignore him when he pulls his tantrums you will see they will fade in time. but if it really gets to you maybe put him in his room for a 5 min time out until his tantrum is over. i come from a big family with 9 other siblings and thats what we would do. my mom even put us in a corner to each his own i guess. you can go to your family doctor but he or she will tell you it is normal behavior and you dont give in to them and give them their own way because that is giving up control as a parent to them and they will do it more. my doctor also recommended to turn on some music or tv loud not to loud and they will stop after a few mins. i dont recomend spanking im totally against that but remember honny your the mommy and you have to take control not the child. hope my advice helps out. in time he will be just fine it's just a stage he is going through. keep me updated on how things are going. good luck my friend you both will do fine.
N. s