Question About My Seven Yr. Old Son

Dear S.,

I don't know if therapy would help him as much as it would help you to have some ideas as to how to help him. I used to work for Kansas City Psychiatric Group and they have two WONDERFUL therapists who practice in the Northland...Jeanette Cobb and Katherine Torbett. They are both EXCELLENT with children and I know they are both wonderful, caring, loving ladies. The practice's phone number is ###-###-#### you can call and see if they have any availablities.

Hope that helps!

I don't think it's ADD/ADHD if he is able to participate in class so well! (extra well lol) ...I was "gifted" as a child, and put into harder classes and I think you should get him tested ......my parents never thought of it as a "problem" exactly, but I also used to constantly want to be called on and needed something to do because I would finish my work and get bored. I think he may be bored. I would also suggest getting him involved in baseball or soccer or somethnig... if he's not the sporty type, you could try a chess league (if he knows chess) ...find out what interests him and get him into it as a regular activity.

Have you ever thought about having him tested for ADD/ADHD? I used to teach 1st grade, and it sounds like he *could* have it. Don't get scared though... Just do an internet search on "symptoms of ADHD" and see if any of it sounds familiar.

Since I don't know what avenues you have already pursued I may be repeating something that you have already done. That being said I would first talk to the school counselor about the concerns and issues. If you have already done that and it hasn't worked you can always contact Special School Districe for a "parent referral"(if you live in St. Louis County that is). Basically you are saying you have a behavior concern and would like an evaluation to see if there really is an area of concern. I would mention this to the school counselor and see if he/she can help.

And, above all else, keep praying! :-)

The first question I would ask myself is he being challenged enough in school? Mine is 8 yr. old and we have been telling his teachers for the last two years he wasn't being challenged, thank goodness for his 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Sanders. She gives him assignments that challenge him, his rewards are more time on the computer (at school and home) and he gets to play chess for the last half hour of school with an older child that comes from the Jr. High. He has changed and doesn't get in trouble anymore.
Trust me I know how you feel-last year he stood on top of his desk just to get attention. So I am very happy we have a teacher who listens and understands. Good luck.

PS If you want him to go to counseling they have good counselors at school.

That sounds a lot like my son. We have been struggling for a couple of years with this and have finally relented to a probable diagnosis of ADD. We have an appointment next week with the Pediatrician to see what the next step is.

Have you checked into his food? Red DYE 40 can turn otherwise great kids into total terrors. (not that mine, or, yours its sounds have gotten that far). My son, generally well behaved started acting hyper & out of control, to the point I had friends ask if I should have him tested for ADD, or Autism. I researched Red DYE 40 (which is in most kids foods) & found that it can cause behavioral reactions. Between cutting out RED #40 & getting structure back VERY consistently, he's back to his usual calm self. Good luck!

Is he possibly ADHD? My son is 6 and was recently diagnosed with it, always getting in trouble at school, hitting other kids just to get their attention (not to hurt them), and needs constant attention. It just sounds like him. We took him to St. John's Behavioral Clinic in St. Louis to seek help. Its been very helpful. We also went to see a counselor that specializes in ADHD (phone book under counselors) to get some tips on how to cope and parent him, because he does seem like he needs to be parented different and needs more attention than our other three. He was getting frustrated and it was affecting his self-esteem also to be in trouble a lot for something he really couldn't help on his own.

What about trying some sort of positive reinforcement system at school, whether a sticker chart for good behavior with a prize or special activity at the end of the week. (Beginning with very frequent reinforcement for very little things like sitting in his chair nicely for 3 minutes, or kindness towards another, etc). Or, having the teacher establish a special "Tommy" time, (name of your child) where he KNEW he'd get to stand up and tell the class something such as a joke, the lunch menu, hand out the papers for class, etc. Oftentimes giving children special jobs to make them feel special. I've had kids run "errands" to the office, just a generic note to get up and move and take to the secretary and come back and work; carry recess equipment outside, etc. I am an OT in the school districts and do see some of the behaviors you're describing, depending on the root cause of the behavior, there is quite a variety of behvior and sensory strategies that can be implemented -- you may try visiting with your ECD OT as well, she may have other strategies for you to try. Whether or not therapy would help your son I don't know enough to comment, but I'm very impressed you're so willing to go in that direction for the sake of your child!

Good Morning,
Possibly try teaching him listening skills by everyone in the family playing listening games, such as:
Total silence for one minute. Then each person takes a turn telling what they heard, i.e., the furnace went on, the wind, a bird, a dog bark, a car drives by... Quickly determine the mood of the group to see if you should continue. Do this two or three times and then quit. Keep it fun. Gradually, ask, "
What was that I heard?" Then increase the listening time to story telling
"What did you hear in the story? Tell me about the TV commercial, someone else talking. The idea is to have him learn to listen to others without always having to be the first responder. Or maybe, "Did you hear that? I just heard...." and see if he missed it, or heard it.

Also, be sure to have him ask you, "What did you hear?"

This may be way out in left field, but worth a try.
J.

When our son was 6 he started kindergarten and we had problems with him in school. We had a note just about everyday saying he wouldn't sit down, he wouldn't stop talking, he wouldn't keep his hands to himself, he was rolling around on the carpet and etc. It was always something. The teacher we had worked with us in so many ways she tried everything. Well the one day at circle time he bit another child on the bottom and it actually drew blood(I spent the rest of the year saying sorry to the mother, which by the 5th time she was laughing at me saying it was ok) Well they suspended him for the rest of the day. We went straight to the doc office and we filled out connor's forms. We found out he has ADHD, which I am scared to death I didn't know what to think or do. My husband is active duty Army so he wasn't even home he was gone for 3 months somewhere. I had to work it out. They ended up putting him on medication and he was a completely different kid to the good. When he was in school he got his work done, he wasn't getting frustrated and he was keeping his hands and voice to himself. He is now 11 and in 5th grade and on the honor roll and reading well about his average. I believe this has come because of the medicine helping him learn to concentrate on what was needed to be done and it gave him a chance to learn wout his mind racing. Now on the weekends we would not give him the medicine as we were told we could give it when we knew he had to concentrate, which was usually for school and then we would give it to him if we had something that we were doing, such as going to a company party, someone's birthday party or just visiting certain family members that don't understand what it is all about. Easier to just give it to him then fight with the people we are with because he can't be still and such. He takes concerta which is a drug that stays in the body for 12 hours and that is it. We first struggled with him sleeping at night and his appetite. With the sleeping we were told go to go GNC and get him what is called melatonin(sp) which is a natural chemical in your body that helps you sleep and as far as his appetite being gone, they told us when the medicine was out of his system to let him eat what he wanted to as this would allow his body to put back on the 30lbs he had lost when he started the medicine. Like I said he is now 11 years old and in 5th grade, he is just under 5ft tall and weighs about 115lbs. This is just my opinion and I have since been diagnosed with it also as I am not able to stay on task and never was able

T.
PS if you have any further questions you can email me at my personal email addy which is ____@____.com

Keep him always in your prayers. The scripture tells to bring up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. It sounds like you have a brilliant child on your hands. Remember, God lent him to you to bend and shape into a wonderful person. Throw out all those psychology books and follow God's teaching. I recommend the NIV Bible (Study Bible by Zondovon} Pray without ceasing. That's the answer.

HI S..
I could have wrote that!!! My 7 yr old is about to turn 8. I don't have a solution for you exactly, but one thing we tried that seemed to make a big difference was a posterboard chart that I made boxes on (like a calendar) and he drew the picutre with markers of the 'toy' that he was earning. I had 100 boxes because the toy he really wanted was 100 bucks, however, I would probably make it half that, so the reward comes sooner. However, every time he had a day at home or school where he waited his turn, etc- (you know when you see the right behavior, even if it's not often) I let him put a sticker on the chart. Sometimes more than once a day, he would get to put a sticker on the chart and he knew he was earning that toy. We posted it in our tv room on the backdoor where he would see it often/daily and it got him thinking. I think less boxes would be better. It helped him focus on how we do want him to behave. He still does all the things you mentioned in your question, but less often and when we have to correct it, we seem to work through it faster. Secondly, if you haven't read Dr. Dobson's Bringing up boys, that's a good one.

Oh my goodness. You just described my son! He is 8 (2nd grade) and gets the same feedback from his teacher. Constantly wants to be the center of attention! Even at our house on New Year's Eve, he and the other kids had to put a show on for the adults. The only thing that keeps me sane is that I think he'll make a pretty good comedian/actor when he grows up. Anyway, we started taking him to a therapist/child psych..basically to find out if he's "normal" or not. I mean, a part of me knows that boys are SO different from girls. Spend just an hour in a classroom and notice how boys just cannot keep still. Studies prove that their retinas are different and that they learn better w/ movement. Anyway, it could not hurt one iota to take him to talk to someone (especially if you have insurance. Our co-pay is 10 bucks!!). His teacher also makes sure, during group time, that he sits with his back to the other kids so he is not tempted to make them laugh. We started a star chart at home and every time we catch him doing something GOOD, we give him a star. Positive reinforcement seems to work better than getting on his back when he is disruptive.
Also, if we can ever afford it,I'd love to take him to Dr. Tim Jordan's camp. Check out www.campweloki.com (not sure if that's the site). But it's called Camp Weloki and it sounds like it could really help kids with behavior/social issues. Keep me posted!!

My daughter had similar symptoms when she was younger along with getting bad grades and not being able to sit still for long. She was the one who told me that something was wrong with her and I didn't want to admit it. From a 4th grader! I took her to a homeopath who worked with her for about a year. She easily took her remedies and changed quite a bit, without counceling. Make sure you get a reliable classical homeopath and ask for references. Best of luck.

I can relate to your story. I have a 15 year old son. He was alot like the description you have written about your son. When he was younger, my son seemed to lack the ability to understand social boundries. He was a very kind hearted kid, but he would box other kids, thinking it was the male comraderie, but then it wouldn't be well received by others. He just didn't seem to know when he was crossing the line. In class, he would always blurt out without being called on. Talking to him didn't seem to get through for a long time. Now he is much better. But it took many years of difficulty in school and with friends. I took him to play therapists and tried a miriad of different remedies to help him. In hind sight, i think it would have benefitted him to have an outlet for his need to have physical contact. Perhaps karate or boxing even, although that sounds a bit violent. But i think if my son had been given a time and place for this physical expression he may have been able to seperate it from his social and school life. As for the talking out of place, there may need to be some creative thinking between you and his teacher to help him with this. If he is like my son, punishments do not help. My son had a strong desire to be heard and recognized. He loved attention. Once he felt he was given that attention, he was satisfied for a while. His greatest challenge has been patience.
It is tough, but i can tell you it will get better with time. Give appropriate consequences, be consistent, and find good ways for his needs to be fulfilled. Good luck and hang in there!
C. W

Maybe your son is bored in class. Sometimes when a boy gets bored the only thing they know to do is act out. If that is the problem ask his teacher if she can give him extra work to do.

I have two boys and a girl - 8, 6, & 2. I recently bought a "One Year Bible For Children" by V. Gilbert Beers. It is amazing. I have been reading it during breakfast or while the boys are getting ready for school. This sets the mood for the day. It gives you questions to ask the children and ways to apply the devotion to your daily life. The only other thing I can suggest is to pray over him as he sleeps at night that God will allow him to rest peacefully and calm his mind. Seek God and he will give you the answers. If you would like more information on the "One Year Bible For Children" please do not hesitate to ask.

I pray this helps you.

Blessings,
T.

Have you had him checked for ADHD? or anything similar? It might be worth checking into.

Keep loving him keep talking and pray. By the time he is in his late teens or early twenties, he will find his passion and you will be relieved.

Hi shereee I have 2 boys almost 19 and 22 now but when they were young I had my hands full mabey therapy would help I know a great person if she is still in the therapy buisness Linda Meadows and she use t take medicaid too but get him help now cause it mayget worse as he gets older, but also childrens mercy is a great place too for behavior counseling my sons had alot of dx-adhd odd pdd ocd bipolar and yea I had them on meds but it helped whn they were small does he sleep well sleep apnea can cause abrupy behavior too we also have that gl and let us know

No. He isn't too young for counseling nut have you tried putting him into some type of sport or defense classes..this often can teach a child how to channel their energy & anger. I don't believe that medications is always the right answer. I have a son that went through some similar issues & I listened to the doctors & gave him the medicine but it zonked him out! It was like he was a walking zombie, so we agreed to take him off. Also look a little closer into school, it might be something going on around his environment away from home. Kid's can get things from other kid's... no matter how hard you try. Trust in the Lord, pray & be BLESSED!

Hi S.. I have 3 kids and my oldest is 9. I was just curious if you have ever examined your son's diet. My 9 year old use to have a lot of behavior issues and would get very wild. A very smart doctor told me that he probably had a food allergy. We did a food diary and recorded what he ate, how he acted afterward, and any other symptoms that he might have. It didn't take long to figure out that he had a milk allergy. We took it out of his diet and it has made a world of difference in that child. To this day if he "cheats" and has something with milk we can expect out of control behavior. I'm not saying that is your son's case, but it is worth looking into. The doctor I went to was Dr. James in Wichita.

I am a strong believer in therapy. I think its a great idea and children often go to therapy for behavioral reasons. It could be that the child wants more attention, there has been something traumatic that happened to him, and it could be his age among many other reasons. Also at home, be sure to stay consistent. Dont try something and because you didnt see immediate results stop doing it. It takes a good few months for disciplinary tactics to be successful. Also if the child shows improvement stick with the method and dont stop just because some progress is made. Hope this helps!
--S.

I am a first grade teacher and a new mom. I know little boys who have some of the same difficulties as your son. First of all, I think it is so important to show him affection and attention like you are. Yes, I do think that meeting with a therapist can be helpful. A lot of the time the first few sessions are covered by insurance. Then you can decide if you think therapy might help withiout spending a lot of money.

Try getting him involved in a team sport.

Hi S.,

In raising our kids and learning about ourselves, we have gone to a therapist several times for short periods. Getting a viewpoint from outside of the family system and just having a place your child can express himself is a great gift.

Since you are in Early Childhood Education, I'm sure you know that counselors come from different viewpoints. I don't think you said how old your son is, but finding a therapist who works with children his age is very important and one who understands faith in the family and in the child. For our sons, having a male counselor was very helpful, though not necessarily essential. Our daughters did better with females.

If you haven't seen Parenting Children with Love and Logic, I'd encourage you to pick it up. We were blessed with the one for teens.

May God guide your steps as you seek great options for you and your son.

D. R

hi S.,

i am a special education teacher and have to deal with behavior problems along with giving parents advise and strategies for home. You say strategies you try work for a while and then he is back to his old tactics. I would try to think about why he is back to his old tactics. When something works, I tend to find that parents become comfortable and less consistent with the strategy that is working. So I would suggest that you and your husband first ensure that you are following though the exact same way as you were when he was doing well.

also, children are very intuitive and find ways around your most perfectly crafted plan. So, your plan will need to be revised occasionally. I have some wonderful tricks up my sleeve and would be happy to share them with you. Feel free to email me personally and I would love to help out.

____@____.com

S., check out the Love and Logic website and books by the Fay family. the logical consequences and responsibility that is the foundation of this fits well with families of faith. Building strong relationships. Making having children fun by raising them, not managing their lives. Get support from a family counselor but also get the books and tapes. It will be great support for your early childhood career also. I am a parent and a teacher of 34 years. These guys make great sense. Also get your child involved in good physical exercise. I found gymnastics and non competitive sports far more helpful when my son was at this stage. I also took him off as many foods with additives as I could and still eat in the real world. Huge help. He's in high school and successful student with good friends. It has been busy but well worth it to raise a young man with energy to spare and a good heart as well.

Hey Sherree C. sound like you've doen it all but have you thought of doing just one thing long term. Oh I know how you feel my son is 35 and is still having troubles with these issues. We took him to coulsoling, therpy us, him and all of us (we were a family of 3 kids two parents) but to this day we must just love him and work at teaching ( without hitting) what we feel are proper values. It's hard espically when his parents are gone now and I the "step mother" still try with him. But he's worth it. I believe in God too, an all loving God and I pray his mercy on you, and patience!
P. M

Therapy might be a good option - they can be great at giving you some strategies that you can put into place long term. As someone else recommended someone who specializes in children and play therapy would be a good idea.
Also, you mention that he responds to your discipline short term, but goes back to his old ways. Perhaps thinking more long term would be better - use the suggestions for charts or reward systems like others suggested, but do it for week after week, month after month - consistency is the key - don't let up when he does better. We have one child (I have 5) who realized early on that we were taking things away and if he improved his behavior then he'd get things or privileges back, so he was willing to "suffer" short term knowing he could be back to square one soon enough. We had to start taking things away indefinitely, and not let him know when or even IF he'd get the item or privilege back - keep him guessing!
Another thought is to take a parenting class - "Love and Logic" is a really good one, and is offered in various locations throughout the area. They also have a lot of resources (books and cds) available for purchase, or you might be able to find some at a library. Jim Fay and Foster Kline are the authors/founders and Jim's son Charles Fay also now writes and speaks. They teach how to discipline your kids with love and empathy, giving the children some choices, and letting them make bad choices, but then giving them logical consequences for those choices. Basically, preparing them for the real world, teaching them responsibility and accountability for their actions.
Good luck!

my son is 7 also. we were having the same problems in school as well. so i took him to see a counselor and they diagnosed him with adhd. the medication makes a huge difference. he takes concerta, respiradol during the day, and trazodone to help him sleep. on the days he doesnt take his meds he is a completely different person. i am hoping he will grow out of it because i dont want him to be on meds forever, but for now it really makes a difference. i take him to comprehansive mental health, in independence, mo. i hope this helps.

Hi S.,
We had similar problems with our son and it turned out that he was frustrated because the work wasn't challenging him. So we did some research and added extra challenges to homework and "learning outside of school" to keep his little mind busy. The school even offered to raise him grade wise in school but we opted not to because he wasn't really socially ready to be in high school at age 12. I also tried giving him herbal medication for the frustration, just a low dose of St. John's Wort. It seemed to work for us, hope you find a solution.

How old is your son? Sounds like maybe he just needs some free time and space to let loose a little. When a child is always being told "Don't do this. You can't do that.", they tend to rebel. And if kids are told that they are being "bad", then they deliver what we expect from them. Instead of concentrating on his bad behavior and what he is doing wrong, try praising and rewarding him when he does things right. This works best with the younger kids.

Also, how about redirecting his energy to something productive? What does your son enjoy? Sports, arts, music? Allow him to be free to enjoy an activity in his own way without having an adult tell him what he can't or shouldn't do. And I don't think a water gun is going to corrupt him. As a matter of fact, get a set of water guns for your whole family and when the weather warms up, why don't you all go in the yard and have some fun and enjoy a few laughs!

You also mention that he has problems in school. If the above suggestions don't improve the situation, you may want to consider having him examined for ADHD or another learning disability.

S.,
It doesn't sound like he's got any mental issues going on, but it's difficult to make a clear distinction through a basic summary. If you feel that it's a serious issue, then it never hurts to try something and see how it goes. A counselor will tell you if they do feel that he needs some help or not. Good luck, I know it's difficult raising boys at least, I have a now 9 year old and it's the same up and downs, does well for a while after punishment then he goes right back to doing the same things that got him into trouble before.

Have you thought about him being bored in class and that's why he acts out?
A tool we used (that a social worker suggested) was our son made the rules, made the punishement, and made the items that went along with it (chart and such). It helped greatly and I was surprised that he listed things like cleaning the bathroom and folding laundry as punishment...it wasn't just taking aways "likes."

This may seem far fetched at first, but I am finding that alot of children have Sensory Integration Dysfunction, which can manifest itself in behavior problems. Check into it to see if your son could be suffering from it. Ours was! God bless~

Hello,
You might want to take him to a therapit. Ask his doctor for a good "play therapist". They are not like your normal thearpist that you would be thinking. They just play with your child and watch how they interact with things.
I would recommend that since you have pretty much tried everything else.
Goodluck
N.