Punishment Advice Needed

I would say that you need to find out why he's not listening. Kids always do something for a reason.

My stepdaughter has had trouble listening and following directions. She does not have ADD or ADHD because she can listen wonderfully when she wants to. She is 9.

After lots of punishments and the behavior kept continuing we started looking to see WHY she wasn't listening. Part of it was she was more interested in being funny to her friends because she thought that would make them like her. When she would break a rule they would all laugh and she'd get lots of attention. Even the punishment in class was attention. If she got punished at home then she'd tell her friends and they would give her sympathy. All solutions to getting attention.

We solved that by talking to the teacher. Now if she misbehaves sometimes it's ignored (if its not affecting anyone else). Funny how ignoring her brings her right back in line! The teacher also started reprimanding anyone that assisted her or laughed when she broke a rule. Pretty soon the kids ignored her too, or they got mad at her. She shaped up faster with that than any punishment we gave her.

When lots of punishments and reprimands don't work it's a good idea to look into the reasons for the behavior. We also talked to her on how to be a good friend, she just didn't know how to get kids to like her so misbehaving was a solution. ALSO, Disney Channel shows kids breaking rules all the time and sneaking around and I don't like that as an example.

Good luck!

I think that follow through is a big thing. If you have told him that he is excluded from this (and I don't think it is too harsh), then you have to follow through. If he knows that you will feel guilty and let him go, that defeats the whole effort.

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I think it is perfect punishment. Will he be staying home with a sitter then when you go? If you take him with but plan on making him stay in the hotel room I think you may find it very hard for you. It is great that you are trying to nip it in the but pronto before it gets out of hand.

It is not too harsh at all. Respect is a huge thing for me and my family and if he is not listening at his age, that is extremely disrespectful. He would lose everything until he learned to respect people. I think this will make a huge impact for him. If he gets to go, he is not learning anything. I don't want to sound mean, raising kids is so hard!! My kids definitely have their moments, but they know if they get in trouble at school or any activities that they must have been disrespectful (not listening, back talking, acting out, etc...) and they will have nothing in their rooms but their beds. Too many kids are growing up and getting away with it today that we have problems with teens and young adults. Manners and respect are something that will either get him far in life or hold him back drastically....but no, you are NOT being too tough. He can stay home for the weekend and think about how bad his behavior has been. Then maybe he will change some of his behaviors. Good Luck!

whether too harsh or not, if you've already told him he's not going, then he shouldn't go - that's just gonna teach him that you don't mean what you say. what means the most to him? clear his room out of everything but furntiure, clothes, and books - let him EARN back EVERYTHING else. it sounds like this is not an isolated incident, and at his age, he is old enough to pay the price for his misdeeds. he sounds like a child that may need a looooooooooooooooooooong period of a really hard lesson rather than just a few days/hours/minutes. but, again, if you've already set out this punishment, stick to it - but that doesn't mean you can't add to it!

My kids are younger so I can't say I've been in your situation but I think the key to any behavior problem to this is mutual respect and listening. Once you're calm, talk with your son, tell him what you heard and how it makes you feel and then give him a chance to explain himself. Then, when you figure out why he misbehaved help him brainstorm ideas for how to deal with that situation in the future (i.e. maybe the kid next to him was goofing around so next time he'll stay away from him). As for the consequence, I don't think you need to go any further. He'll already miss the next camp trip and that's the consequence, and as long as he knows you don't approve of his behavior by telling him then you're not ignoring the problem. If you leave him home from your trip he will probably feel hurt and resentful and not truly connect his actions to being left home. I'd really suggest reading: How to Talk So Children Will Listen and How to Listen So Children Will Talk (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... Good luck!

As a mom, of a young teen, I would stick to the plan of withholding the weekend trip. It should teach him the consequences of poor behavior is loss of privileges. What are your discipline methods at home? are they consisent and is Dad on the same page? If not, he needs to be and you both need to step it up in this area asap. If your boy is not listening and behaving poorly at school and with other people and at home, you will have a nightmare when he gets into his teens. Does your son get TV, Wii , phone, DS or computer time? If so this is what I would withhold when he behaves badly. WIthhold it for a day or 2 for the 1st few times and longer if there is no improvement. You also need to get ck out or buy some parenting books on discipline. I know there is one out there called something like, Parenting the Difficult Child. There are many good ones other there. In addition , I would also consider enrolling your son in some type of martial arts lessons if you can afford to. Martial arts will teach expose him to structure, personal responsibility, great exercise and most importantly discipline. Tour a few with schools that teach it w/your son. Be sure you tour the school while classes are in session with kids his age, not adults. Its likely your boy will like the idea, it's cool to young kids to see and be in martial arts. At the visit ask to talk with the "Master" (head teacher) at the martial arts school you pick in advance of enrolling privately in his/her office. Let he/she know if the reason you are putting your son in the class (without your son present) to address his behavior issues. You will notice a change within a few wks. Good luck to you and your boy.

After you get this weekend's issue settled, see:
loveandlogic.com and check into the CD's/ books by Dr. Charles Fay.

great suggestions on appropriate consequences!

I have a 10 year old, so I can relate. However, I always have concerns about complaints about "not listening."

First, did he hear the instructions and understand them. If he is repeatedly having trouble following directions on camp trips, maybe there is something happening that is impacting his ability to hear and understand the directions. For example some people have trouble hearing in noise environment.

Second, if you honestly think he is hearing and understanding, but just deciding to be difficult, then I think your punishment makes sense.

Does your son feel bad about himself because of these things. Like: "why am I so stupid." In which case I would guess he is having trouble getting the information in the environment. However, if he is the defiant/ this cool to thwart authority - type attitude, then I think you are on the right track.

If you want to check out the hearing, I would take him to a speech/language pathologist, and an audiologist. I would do both. The audiologist simply tells you if the hearing is occuring in a perfectly quiet environment. The speech-pathologist will look at understanding of auditory information in real life settings-- which appears to be more of the problem.

Best of luck. If you and he are both feeling bad about this, I would tell him that you believe in him, and this this may be a sign of a problem, and that you are going to take him to a doctor to find out. Since you have faith in him and believe in him, and have reconsidered, take him tonight. Some times knowing that somone believes in them and is going to try to help them can make a world of difference.

My son, the youngest one, has a hearing problem like what I am talking about here. When I give him directions I make him repeat them back to me, before sending him off to do things. Once he repeats them he and I both know he heard and understood, and the compliance goes up 100%.

It is worth trying, and looking into. Believe me you'll feel awful for punishing him, only to find out later, that he wasn't able to do what you were requiring because of an auditory problem. I have been there and done that. :-)

nope, it sounds like you are right on track with that one.

I must say this is a tough subject, but none the less. When we punish, we should explain to the child why they are being punished and follow through with the punishing. Sometimes kids act out because they are reaching out for some affection. Is his father in the home or is he playing an active part in his life. If you've tried all you know how, I think you should seek professional help.

your punishment was just right! you hate to not take them new places so they can have fun, but this may help him think about his behavior next time.

I may be playing devil's advocate here, but I don't think that you should exclude your son in the trip. I also have a 9 year old (gir) and I know that it would absolutely break her heart. This may be why you are thinking about it but I personally couldn't do it. You'll feel bad about it the whole time.
Make him write an essay about listening, ground him from friends, and the biggest thing is to listen. I've found that when I talk to my daughter about what's going on, I can sort of tell why she's acting the way she is and talk to her about it from that standpoint. I'm sorry that you're going through this. 9 is sort of a hard age isn't it??

i think he is looking for your attenting. so rewarding him with time with you would be a way to start, As for this weekend, who gets the punishment of staying with him??? if you are divorced and leaving him with dad that's going to just set up all sorts of powre play problems, anyone else that is watching him is going to have a very grumpy kid on his hands. Early bed times and no snackfoods for a week might be a punishment that he really needs.

Hi! I guess you may have left already, and I hope your son stayed home, with a grandparent or babysitter. He definitely needs to see that you're serious, even to the point of it being inconvenient for you. You may also want to look into why he's having such a hard time listening. Is it disrespect? A problem with another student/camper? Lack of consequences? A genuine hearing problem? ADHD? I think ADHD can be controlled without medication in many cases, so I hope that doesn't scare you. Food allergies can also be sneaky and manifest as behavior issues. I feel that it is better to find a reason than to assume he is "disrespectful" and "doesn't listen." The essay may help you figure this out. Those assumptions just keep everyone frustrated and will lower his self-esteem. I hope everything goes well!

If he already does not listen, then I would not change the punishment. If it's too harsh, maybe he'll finally learn something from it. If nothing else you've done works, then you need to try something else, and this may be the something else.
I would also suggest, since this is a problem that occurs often and in different situations, that you may want to get an evaluation done for behavioral disorders such as ADHD, ODD, etc
Good luck

Take him with you. This will give you a chance to get to the bottom of his behavioral issues by talking with him since he can't go to his room or his friend's houses to get away.

It sounds like he has behavioral issues that could turn into conduct disorder. Has he been tested for ADHD or anything like that? Have there been any changes in the home environment or at school (bullying)? Have you stuck to your guns about punishment and what does work. Have you spoken with the school psychologist or anyone else to help you with modifying his behavior?

Good luck

http://www.alankazdin.com/pdfs/GoodParentsBadResults.pdf

This really helped me with my decipline methods...not everything in the article applied to me, but to be honest, I read it once a week to stay fresh. I also have notes in my car to remind me of the techniques...i know it doesn't directly answer your question, but after reading this is may help you to answer it yourself.

Good luck....D.

Is he truly disobedient or is something else going on.? I would find out why he is acting like this. I would not exclude him from a family event. I would think of something else.