Private Memorial Service

B- OR that since his dying was associated with college they want to block that out of their thinking for right now.
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That was my first thought.

It is disrespectful to the family who is grieving to "crash" a private memorial service or any service for that matter. It is a matter of respect for the grieving family to respect their wishes.

Thing is though, when they speak of friends they are speaking of friends, I doubt they are that fussed about when they became friends.

I would guess that they are not thinking clearly. I can't even imagine how I would think straight. Part of the issue may be that the parents really don't know who or where to start and just can't get it together enough to organize. Part of it could be the connection of pain to college if it happened at college.

I like the idea of an e-mail to them asking if he could attend.

I wonder, would it be possible for your son and his college friends to have a memorial for their friend at the college? That way, his college friends could gather to celebrate his memory.

They are covering memorials for people that the family was familiar with - and they personally don't know a lot of his college friends.
The memorials can be as private as they wish them to be.
It's possible in their grief that they just didn't think of college friends.
OR that since his dying was associated with college they want to block that out of their thinking for right now.

If I were your son, I'd send an email before the services expressing his condolences and as if he heard about it though the grapevine and not aware of the specifics of the memorials - and tell them how close he was and how shocking the news about his death was and would it be alright if he might attend a memorial if there's going to be one.

They'll might say 'sure' and specify which one, or say no.
But as least he'll have a specific answer and might be able to attend.

Indeed, tell your son not to crash the services. The parents are in grief mode and they're thinking about their son's life at home more than his life away from home. Your son will need to cut them some slack. Reassure him that he'll be happy he did it later.

Ask your son to write the family a personal letter (do people know how to do that these days? If he doesn't, teach him how!) - one they can hold in their hands, keep, and read over again. He can write about what a good friend their son was to him over the two college years. He can add some examples of what they liked to do together - enough to make it real to the parents. He can ask if he might come to their house in a month (with the potted plant).

When people grieve, they don't always think straight. The key now is compassion. He knows what he feels about losing his friend; tell him to multiply that by 100,000, and he might have an idea of how they're feeling now.

Always respect the invitation. They probably associate college with the accident or don't want to deal with strangers in their time of mourning.

I am sorry for your son's loss of his friend. He may email the family as another has mentioned and see if he could/can attend a service.

If that does not pan out, then have him write a thoughtful letter and enclosed a picture of the two together enjoying life. He could bring the letter with him when he visits with the plant.

It will take time but he his pain and loss will lesson.

the other S.

PS Please don't crash the service(s). Mom and dad are not thinking clearly.

I have been there when my son lost his best playmate to a drowning during the winter months when he was 6 and the memory still surfaces once in a while as an adult. It was very painful for the whole town (we lived outside the country).

He needs to respect the family and their needs at this time.

that is pretty weird. maybe they're just not thinking. i sure wouldn't be.
i'm sorry he can't go to the 'friends' service, but of course one can't make a fuss. i love the idea of taking a plant to them later. at that point in time the 'drama' will be settling down, and the grim realization will be taking hold. they will probably appreciate the opportunity to share memories with his friend. at the very least, he can offer condolences and then go if they're clearly not up for it.
damn. that is so sad.
:( khairete
S.

I can only imagine what these parents are going thru - my son just started college and I am a victim of a drunk driving accident - so I have feelings about both situations! Additionally, we just went through a very similar situation this past March while my son was still a High School Senior - the parents of the young man that was killed had a memorial at the school since we all knew him since grade school - the gym was packed. Having said that...

I would send a private message thru Facebook - first offering condolences (of course) and then just asking whether his college friends are permitted to attend? It may be a family friend handling the announcements, etc., and it IS possible it's just an oversight in the wording.

Then on the other hand, is it possible it would be too painful for the parents to be around any of his college friends?

This is a tough one but I definitely would do something - I'd rather be told "no" rather than find out after-the-fact that it was all a misunderstanding and could have attended.

Also, to answer your question about how private it can be? Very private! I honored every wish for my Mother right down to the invitees. There weren't more than 25 people there; exactly as she wanted it!!

Good luck!!

Regardless of the detailed wording, I think it would be entirely appropriate for your son to attend the school friends service.

I mean, the parents in their grief could have easily have forgotten to add college friends to the list. Perhaps because the family does not know the college friends, and did not want to impose on anyone who was far away, did not feel connected enough, doesn't have a ride, etc. College friendships bloom and fade like all others. But I think it would be both beneficial and healing for your son to attend and pay his condolences.

If he was away at college, the parents, in their grief, are just thinking about all the kids he grew up with. I would probably ask a family member if it would be Ppropriate if he could attend Sat. I really think it is an oversight due to their grief.

That sounds very odd, as if maybe in their grief they may have not thought things through entirely, which is absolutely possible. Or someone outside the immediate family is helping them w/ the arrangements. Because we make friends all over the place, right? Work, all levels of school, neighbors, etc. etc. Is there anyone that your son can reach out to for clarification? Perhaps not his parents, but mutual friends, siblings, someone? If not, then their wishes must be respected. Sorry for your son's loss.

Yes--a memorial service can be THAT private.
We cannot dictate the actions, desires and thoughts of others.
If I was your son, I would respect his family's directives.
He could always stop by later, as you suggested. He might also send a note expressing his memories about their son and his own sense of loss.
What's really important is that your son remembers him in his heart.
Sorry for his loss. :(

The family one, yes, it should most def be private, but it does seem odd that his older friends would be excluded from the one for his school friends. Sad they don't think his older friends need to chance to say goodbye, but this is a hard time for the family and I am sure they are not even realizing what they are doing. Just tell your son to let this one go and say goodbye in his own way, the family has too much to deal with right now to worry about everyone else.

Suggest that your son plan a memorial service for the boy's college friends!!!!

He can invite the boy's parents.

The parents don't need the burden of expanding their memorial, but, they might not realize how many college friends their son had.

I'm sure they would be deeply touched if your son planned another memorial.

Hi Rhonda, I may be coming in late, but here are a few thoughts.

Everyone is different during the passing of their loved ones. I am Latin, Catholic, and come from a large family. At the same time, my parents come from a small town. Now I live in Las Vegas NV, nothing like where my parents were raised. I mention all of the above, because it seems as though they all seem to have the larger ceremonies.

So, when there is a passing in our family, we fly in from all over the place and do everything possible to be there...nearly mandatory. If someone can't make it, it is noticed. Those that never make it, it is noticed.

On the other hand, my husband's family is the complete opposite. When his grandfather passed, his mom said it was not necessary for anyone to come. WHAT?? I offered to help my husband in so many ways. I offered to drive him there and he could sleep in the car, since his work schedule was crazy. I offered to drop him off and stay in a hotel, since I thought maybe his mother felt this was more private. Nothing, she said no.

Last month, his grandmother passed and she already said no one needs to come. I talked to her myself and told her she doesn't have to do this by herself. She told me that if her mother were around, she would say, "You don't have to do anything for me". Well, I told her that sometimes it just feels better to have your children around and then you can resume to your normal activities. She very graciously said, do you think everyone will come? With that, we headed up the mountain along with his brother and his family and we had a quiet visit together. As well, her brother and his girlfriend came up for one night. Everything had already been done, but we the weekend with her and the last evening, she passed old photos around and shared stories about her memories.

Another take on this, one of my co-workers lost her son to a drunk driver while he was in college too. He was driving back to AZ and was hit on the highway. The chaplain and a Henderson Sergeant knocked on her door at midnight. They had one service and nearly every co-worker was there and nearly every student in the high school attended his service. The church was packed. Every person lined up to give her a hug before they took their seat. This was way overwhelming for her. When I got to her, she was white in the face, had not words, squeezed my hand and dropped in her husbands arms. It was so difficult to fathom how many people loved her son.

So with all of that said, I hope your son accepts the loss of his friend and understands that the parents are just trying to cope with this and probably unintentionally left his colleagues out of the picture. Everyone is different and my in-law side of things was very difficult for me to understand too.