My husband and I are having a disagreement about Potty Training and I thought I would ask the other Moms what they thought. My son just turned 4 and he has shown no interest in Potty Training so we have decided that we need to just force the issue a little. We put him in underware and started taking him to the potty every hour or less. He is doing very well, only having three or so accidents a day and he pees almost every time we take him without complaining too much. He has even pooped in the potty twice!!!
My question is what to do when he has an accident. I have read and been told that you should not punish for these. My husband has decided that when my son has an accident no matter if it is just pee, my son should be washed off in the shower. My son hates the shower. He cowers in the corner and cries until this procedure is done. I think this is punishment. My husband calls it consequences. I tried to back him up and do this but I hate it. I refused to do it this morning. It was the first day that I had to wake my son up and take him to daycare. Monday mornings are tough enough. My husband is mad at me.
What do you think? Am I wrong?
Thanks everyone for your responses. My husband has backed off of the shower consequence. My son had his yearly checkup and the doctor backed me up. My son is still having accidents but it seems to be getting better. This is the most stressful thing we have had to deal with since he was an infant. He has been such a great kid up to this point we were unprepared for how difficult this was going to be.
When we potty trained it was my husband who helped out. He sat down and talked to our son and helped him through the potty training process. I know not all husbands are available like my husband was but I think it is time for your son to get started because he will be in kindergarten soon. But diciple is not the answer it is your husband relating to his son on why he need to take this big step that will help.
Best of Luck
The consequence seems a little harsh - because he knows it's something your son hates/fears/whatever and to force him into something he fears for no reason seems cruel.
But, it's a parenting style and since he's the other parent, you both have to come to a compromise - which is easier said than done.
So, have you considered a book or two on various methods of training and positive reinforcement, etc? Or, a visit to the pediatrition WITH your husband to discuss effective ways?
Sometimes when it's your thoughts vs. his thoughts on how something should be done, it's easier to back it up with expert, outside proof so it's no longer an opinion. In this case, finding proof/methods/ways that are consistent with what you're trying to do shouldn't be too difficult. Finding something consistent with his -- I think that would be a challenge.
This takes the confrontation off you and out of your marriage and presents a way to do something that is best for your son while being most effective. Good luck and good job sticking to the parenting method you believe in. It's not always easy when someone has a very different view - especially when you see it as cruel. Great job.
I think the shower thing is harsh as well but I'm not totally against consequences. I love natural consequences. When my kids had an accident they were part of the clean up process and they had to help get new clothes and if they could get dressed themselves. Maybe this will be less of a consequence that you may be able to live with and a consequence for your husband.
I don't think a consquence is wrong. I assume he gets a treat for using the potty, so when he has an accident maybe give him a chore to do, he has to go clean up something. Putting him in the shower when he hates showers will only scare him and don't want to say instill fear, but its not good for a child. Espeically if they are accidents and not him just sitting there and going in his pants. But something minor used to reinforce that accidents are bad will help him perhaps pay more attention.
Making toileting a fear issue is NOT a good idea. Scaring children is not the way to teach.
C. - The shower thing is not a good idea, it will just scare your child more for showers/baths and sends a BAD Message.
My son - almost 4, wasn't even interested in potty training until he was 3 1/2. It took us a solid week to get him into the habit and everything worked. What I did when he had an accident (when all the other stuff the 'books' said didn't work (show disappointment, tell him your sad, don't yell, etc) My son is BIG into DVD's and tv shows. He also loves to play on the computer. We started with when he went in his pants and had an accident, we turned the TV off until he went into the potty again. This worked wonders. Find something he REALLY REALLY likes (a special toy he plays with every day, etc) and take that away until he can use the potty again.
One thing that didn't worked for us was taking him to the bathroom to use his potty chair, that didn't work because he had trouble knowing that he had to go and he didn't want to take time away from playing / watch tv. We put the chair in the same room as he was and that worked, then we moved into the bathroom. The first few days was terrible, it felt like a MONTH, but in reality, he was 100% going on the potty with very very very little accidents on the 7th day of training.
I know you're not supposed to 'punish' your child with toilet training, but taking away his shows was the only thing that worked for us. We did the sticker program thing which worked a little, and even gave a reward that when he got enough stickers, he got to do something special - for him it was going to Chuck E. Cheese. The sticker thing wore out fast and soon he didn't even care about putting a new sticker up when he went.
I'm happy to say that we started him off sitting to go potty and now, my husband showed him 2 days ago how to stand and that's how he's going now. He's very proud now to be going 'just like daddy'!
Good Luck and Hang in there. It is really true that all of a sudden, they just get it! It's wierd when it happens.
J.
I think your husband is wrong. My son just turned 4 and just recently became potty trained. His father too, insisted on "consequences" when he would have accident. To this day, I believe it took my son so long to get potty trained because his father would put such pressure on him. I was the opposite and would say " it is ok honey, accidents happen but you are doing a really good job at being a big boy. Let's change your clothes and go back to what we were doing." It seems cruel what your husband sees as a consequence. Your son will get it. Just have your husband relax and let nature take its course. I had resolved myself to the fact that my son was going to be 16 and not potty trained. I really had given up on the fact that he would ever get potty trained and then he decided it was time. In my opinion make potty time fun and rewarding and it will happen. Hang in there
