Potty Accidents NOT an Accident

Well, I"m going to probably go against conventional advice, but here it is. I would gather all your compassion and patience and nurturing for your son, and tone it down with the time outs. We don't do time outs the way other people do, I think. We don't call it anything. We take our son physically away from the situation and sit with him and help him calm down and pull himself together. Sometimes it's saying nothing, sometimes it's talking through what happened. He recovers much more quickly and there are no control issues, and he doesn't feel shamed and punished.

Do not punish accidents, like you've heard. You can just say whoops, that's OK, that's going to happen. Come on, let's clean this up. Remember he is still developing and can't control himself very well, either emotionally or physically. Don't you think you'd like that kind of response if it were you?

He probably is stubborn and mad, that is how 3 year olds are. This is an age where you can no longer expect them to just go along with everything you want anymore, I've found. But it's normal, and actually good. At this age they want to learn how to make their own decisions and helping them do this in limited ways gives them confidence that they can make good ones. We let our son make as many decisions as are reasonable. If he doesn't want to do something, we say, OK, well we DO have to do this, and we have to do it soon, because........, so you let me know when you're ready to do it, OK? And about a minute later he's ready.

best wishes!

Hi K.,
I may really be accidents. When in time-outs, children are usually upset, and not so good at controlling themselves (including physically).
I had exactly the same problem with my son. I knew it was not "on purpose" as he was so distressed about it.
Now, we stop to the toilet on the way to the time-out. No more problems.

Smart kid! He seems to be trying to keep your attention. Do you stay with him when he's in time out? If you do, he may not need to do that to get your attention. If he always goes in time out, have him try on the potty before he goes there. If he does do it while in time out, don't talk to him or look at him. Just clean up (or even have him do it) after time out is over. Or if it can't wait, make sure he goes back into time out after everything is clean. (You may want to have time out in a place that's not carpeted.) Explain that he's not in trouble for going, but cleaning up messes is a consequence of making them and messes are not a way of getting out of time-outs.
My daughter turned 3 in March. She's had her rough spots, but potty training really hasn't been a big deal with her. Good luck. You'll both be past this phase soon!

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There are at least four possibilities here: He's demonstrating his anger at a time-out he may feel is unjust – he knows how important his training is for you. Or he feels your interest in him has slackened now that he's trained, and is willing to settle for your negative attention. Or he's wrapped up in hurt or angry feelings and not noticing the urge. He may even feel a stronger urge when he's upset (think "piddling puppies"), and not think he has permission to go use the potty. Hard to tell when we're not there to watch his reaction.

And the unfortunate truth is that even though time-outs are a more gentle form of correction than say, spanking, they do not work for all kids. They may seem to be working until there's a real difference of opinion or until the child reaches an age where he can puzzle things through better, and then lose effectiveness. Then too, there are many different "styles" of time-outs. The more isolating, punitive and shaming they are, the less likely they are to have positive outcomes for some children.

Assuming your son is reasonably verbal by now, there's probably a lot he could tell you if you were to ask him. I really like compassionate and empathetic parenting, because it works remarkably well with kids of all ages, improves mutual understanding and respect, and reduces stress all around. You can find out more about it in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It coaches you along so you can immediately start incorporating the simple and sensible examples into your everyday situations.

I think both you and your son will be happy when you try this approach, because it will not only help you deal effectively with his normal behavioral issues, but your overall communication will become more peaceful. This book teaches you how to listen to children, even as young as your son, in a way that helps them identify their issues, and often help reach their own appropriate solutions.

This is NOT lenient, wishy-washy parenting – you also learn how to present your own needs and limits clearly. I've used this approach with my 4.5yo grandson, and it really helps him when he's experiencing a sour, uncooperative time.

My son also just finished training, and was having a few bm accidents when he was too busy playing to go use the toilet, and he would say "I tried to get here in time," which I know was not the truth. I could actually see him reacting to the sensation, but not getting up to do anything about it. Well, after talking with him about it I realized I'd just have to let it be, and he'd figure it out.

Last week, he was at "school" and had a bm in his underpants. He didn't tell anyone and when I picked him up, I didn't notice it. About half way home, I realized he had a bm accident. He had the absolute WORST rash that he's ever had. He had to have two baking soda soaking baths that night, and we talked about it. For the last seven days, not a single accident, and he actually goes to the potty the moment he thinks he needs to. As a result we've had a few trips to the potty with no voiding, but no accidents either.
This may sound cruel, but I think that accident last week was the final nail in the diaper coffin for our boy. LOL.
Good luck.

I went through this with my daughter, only she had been going on the potty for over 2 months. Then, she just stopped going #2 on the potty. Kept going in her underwear. I was at my wits end! Like you, I knew that she knew what she was doing, so I was infuriated that she just wouldn't do it. So, I tried it all. I punished, I made her clean herself and her clothes up, I tried starting the reward chart again, buying a toy that I knew she loved and putting it on top of the fridge so she could see it and telling her that she could have it when she went in the potty....NOTHING worked. She just had to want to do it and I had to take a step back and try not to make a big deal about it. She was feeding off of my reaction (which was not stellar, mind you....I can admit I did not handle it well). As soon as I threw my hands up and just stopped reacting to it, she started going on the potty again. I wish I had handled the whole thing differently, so I will just give you my advice. There is nothing wrong with having him help clean up, but DO NOT make a big stink about it. It becomes a control issue for them and believe me, this is one thing you cannot control and they know it. Just be very matter of fact, have him help cleanup and just move on. I would bet money that this phase will not last long if you do not turn it into a big deal.

One thing you can try is to have him go potty before you send him to timeout. He is old enough to remember why you sent him there, even if he has to make a stop at the potty first. I wouldn't tie it to his punishment in his mind, but just say "since you seem to have accidents when you're in timeout, let's go potty before you have your timeout so that we won't have to cleanup" (or something similar). It may or may not work. If it doesn't, just don't bother with it. Send him to timeout and if he has an accident, just move on. I'm sorry this became so long. I just really regret how I handled the situation with my daughter and I don't intend to repeat that with my son, so I had to share. Good luck to you.

Yes, he's doing it to get back at you because its something he can control...so, simply make him clean it up the best you can..when it becomes less fun to tick you off..simply calmly make him rinse things out etc. If he poops..a very cool bath or shower to clean him up may be in order..not saying ice cold..but not comfortable. (No playing either just scrubbed dried and done). Then, he has to finish his time out. Even better, if Dad is available engage his assistance. Most dads cause a more "I believe he is serious this time" reaction than moms for some reason..I know it worked with my son. When he found himself hand washing his own underwear, he stopped messing in his pants on purpose. It shows that both of you are in on it and there's no chance he is getting out of that time out until he's done his time in time out! Good Luck..I know..trial and error..but the bath-shower combined with having to do all the work and still having to finish that time out might make him think twice about bothering with the "accidents" anymore. My son was about the same age as yours when he was pulling this stunt too...maybe its the age :) Oh, and the WHOLE time you are dealing with this ..cluck in dismay about all the time wasted and things you COULD be doing instead of this, then time out...sigh...can't watch "that show" can't play "with that favorite toy", "Can't go to the store" Whatever ...make it really inconvenient sounding for both of you..but don't say those to him..just sort of muse about them to the air..it helps one vent as well :)

Hi K.,
I agree with Geraldine. It may be that he is just too upset to control himself. You have a good suggestion of stopping at the bathroom before he goes into time-out. My daughter is 3 also and I'm not sure that if I asked her to clean up the mess that she would understand that it's so she doesn't do it again. However, if I was to put a diaper on my daughter she would be very upset, not sure about your son? She knows diapers are for babies and "she is not a baby" :) This too shall pass....

Oh wow, I sooooooooo wish I had a really good answer for you. Mine will be three in two weeks and wow, the level of manipulation and control he exercises in this area is mind boggling!!!! My husband and I constantly tell him that he has to be fully trained to go to school and to take martial arts. Whenever he is with other kids his age at church etc, he goes with no problem. Today my husband told him that he has to start going all the time bc we are going to stop using diapers very soon and that if my son starts going all the time and starts using underwear that he will get him his own computer. He LOVED that idea and has gone several times. He was totally trained and doing sooooooooo great, but right when his baby bro was born, he majorly regressed and began to use potty time as a way to stay up, and just control his world in general. I am also thinking of having a a "say bye bye to the diaper" ceremony. Whenever we feel he is doing good, I am thinking of throwing away the last diaper together and telling the diapers bye bye and presenting him with some really cute underwear with some character he loves. I am not using pull-ups this round bc I found they only caused my son confusion. So I will post about how it goes when we do it!! Good luck and believe me you are not the only one!

Timeouts in the bathroom - it's a boring place (make sure to lock up any cleaning supplies) and there is no excuse for accidents. I have always done timeouts in the bathroom and it has always worked out great!

Hi K.-

I've potty trained MANY kids in my 16 year career and it is a very popular issue with the parents I coach as a parent coach. This is what I've done and I suggest.

When kids have "accidents" on purpose, in a simple calm voice I tell the child that they need to clean themselves up. Have them wash themselves then the area and finally their clothes.

Do not make this a battle. If the child refuses, simply say, "I think that is a poor choice. Please let me know when you change your mind. You cannot play or watch TV until your chores are done." then walk away.

While you may fight with your child the first few times, it will work.

Additionally, you're right, do not punish for true accidents. It doesn't help, and actually does hurt the child.

Good Luck.

R. Magby