Potentially Awkward Baby Shower...

This can be simple. Don't help these people anymore. (FYI -- you're never going to get money back from chronically poor people. Their poor life planning will not allow them to dig themselves out of their holes.)

However, it's easy to be gracious, and costs nothing.

Be polite, polite, polite. Invite them to large gatherings when needed. You don't have top sit next to them at the shower and discuss their poor behavior.

Well if this were me I would just not invite them. You should not have to deal with the stress of the situation. They have not been respectful to you and you have been more than good to them so I would not invite them.

I have found that our family members who have strained relationships with us are the type of people who do not forget or let anything go from the past if it is something that they felt wronged them in any way. As a result, I include them in all family planning and sometimes they show and other times they do not. It is strained when they are there, and we have to watch what conversations we start, but I figure if the relationship is to be repaired ever in the future I have to be the bigger person. I have to forgive (or at least show mercy if forgivness is beyond their actions). It is hard and it is stressful, but I think it will be worth it if in the end and my children (and my husband and I) can have fun, healthy relationships with my in-laws.

That being said, if you do not feel like you are ready to handle the stress when pregnant, just do not invite them and deal with any fallout after you have the baby.

Sounds like you already have a rift so my opinion it don't invite them. After going through many things with my own family, I believe you should only have people in your life that love and support you - not use and take advantage of you. You wouldn't let "friends" treat you this way. This is a day to celebrate your baby. If you don't think they can come and celebrate and support you, they shouldn't be invited.

That being said, I totally understand some of the pp comments about being the bigger person. Unfortunately, this a decision only you can make as you will be the one living with the consequences (if any) if you chose not to invite them.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!!

My niece was getting married. My SIL's mom was throwing a shower. She decided a week before the shower, she didn't want any of my family to come. My mother was actually disinvited. This caused hurt feelings especially for my sister who had promised to throw a shower, but didn't want to because she felt they had "wronged" my mother. She threw the shower, reluctantly. My niece made the list and put the other grandmother on the list. I told my sister not to invite her but we really didn't think she'd show up anyway. The other grandmother came and it made for a very stressful situation. If it were me, I would not invite the inlaws. At this time in your life, you need positive people around you. If they actually ask, don't say it was your friends decision who to invite. That just puts her in the middle of a family disagreement. If they actually ask tell them it was just for friends because you'd heard the family was going to do one also. Congratulations on deciding never to lend money to those people again. Once you do, they will be back again and again. Congratulations also on the new bundle of joy.

I had that problem before, as well. Not quite as awkward, but still awkward. It could cause a bigger rift if you do not invite them. My advice would be to just put them on the list. They can come or not come, but the ball is in their court. Hopefully you'll be surrounded by enough other people you won't have to talk much. (Or in my case, the awkward people didn't show and it was a very nice shower!) Perhaps draw the line if the call and ask for money to buy you a present! lol

HMMM...There really isn't a wrong answer here. It does all come down to how well you feel you could handle the stress it may cause you. (I think)
It is a very uncomfortable situation. And yes, the money thing can be something that will always nag at you and make you bitter. When you lend money out, you DO need give it on the basis you may never see it again. We had the same issue last year, and learned our lesson....And yes, it was family and sometimes it is really hard to treat them nicely. But you try to be the better person, and realize that you yourself would never do that to anyone, and start feeling empathy towards them instead of anger. (i know, easier said than done, but eventually it helps) You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you are feeling guilty because you don't want them there, don't. You have every right to feel the way you do. Just weigh the pros and cons and see which would be the better. Sad to say, the family should be the first to jump at your needs to fix up your apartment, but sometimes our friends can be our biggest support when we have flakes in the relative department. And who knows, if you invite them, maybe they WON'T show!!
Good luck to you, and DO tell us how this ends...I myself am VERY curious....:)

LT

I am proud of you and your husband for drawing your line in the sand. Don't be afraid to stick with it!

From the sounds of things, the two in-laws probably wouldn't attend even if they are invited. I would go ahead and include them on the guest list. That way YOU are acting like the bigger person. Whether or not they choose to come is then not your problem, but nobody can later point fingers and blame you for anything. It's always good to graciously take the high road, but that doesn't mean you have to be stomped on.

Good luck with your new baby!

A. NEVER lend out money you can't afford to be without forever!! There is always a chance they will flake and if you are going to be resentful, stay out of the banking business. The stress isn't worth it. We have always been repaid, although sometimes it was years later. We never said a word and thanked them when it was repaid and told them we were glad we could help them. We never loaned a second time unless the first had been repaid.

B. Have a friends only shower and if someone in the family is gracious enough to host a family shower, they can be invited to that one. It is their choice to come or not.

C. Ask your friends for help w/the MIL apt. Bag the family. You have seen their true colors and you need accept that they are 'takers'. Now you know how to treat them in the future, but you can do it graciously because you are more mature.

Good Luck!

Forgive, forget, tell them you're struggling financially so you can't give them money, invite them, and learn to focus on the best. They might not change, but you can still love them and do your part in being civil.

Dear C.,
There is not much that I can really add to the advice that has been given already, but I do have a couple of things to say.
#1 My daddy always told me that if you loan money to someone (family or friend) with the expectation of getting it back, you CAN'T afford to loan it in the first place. If you feel that you should loan the money think of it as a gift, and as they say in stores one gift per customer. Only give the gift once and no more. I know that family has a way of guilting people into things but for your own financial and familial security stop all monetary "gifts" in the future. And being that they are family they probably considered it a gift to begin with, if they have not repaid you by now it's rather obvious that they never intended to, no matter what they said. When asked in the future just say "I'm sorry our family (meaning you and your hubby and babies) just can't afford to", if pressured just repeat the same comment. Draw your line, put your toes on it, and stand tall. The family tree is not a money tree.

#2 The shower.....I would suggest inviting these family members. Chances are they will not attend. But this is entirely your call. But if you choose not to invite them I wouldn't lie about it. I would just say "being that you are having money problems at this time, I didn't want you to feel obligated to bring a gift being that this is my second child". Then invite who you choose to. It is your shower. If you do invite them it shows that you really are the bigger person, and that you can treat others as you would wish to be treated. Showers are very busy affairs, you will be mingling with lots of people, opening gifts, and eating so these family members will not be able to monopolize your time anyway. From the way you worded your question and such, I feel that you are a generous and caring person, and I also think that if you extend the invite to them that you will feel better about yourself in the long run.

#3 MIL apartment, talk about it with your friends at the shower (yes right in front of said family member if she shows) ask everyone if they know people who would be willing to help out with the physical labor of cleaning it up so you can rent it out. You'll be surprised at the response. If you need help doing it sooner than the shower I'm sure you and your husband have friends that can help out even if it is in shifts of a couple of hours at a time. This will also send a message to your family members that seem to think you are a bank that sometimes you just need to do the hard things yourself, and maybe they will grow up.

Anyways this is just my 2 cents worth. I hope it all works out well for you, and you get to enjoy your shower whoever you decide to invite, and that your baby arrives happy and healthy. Take care and God bless.

A.

It is your shower... invite who you want.
I doesn't sound like there will be any love loss if they find out and are upset with you.
This shower is about you and your baby.
Invite friends and close family who care about you and enjoy your day in the spotlight!

This is an event to honor the baby and get you the things you'll need to take care of him/ her. (you know... the gifts?!) I see the shower as an opportunity for them to show a little dignity by showing up and doing something to celebrate the baby. Who knows, maybe they'll bring a case of diapers and a silver spoon they bought with some of the left over money from what they borrowed from you and didn't spend on the couches!

Invite them... it's their opportunity to lose, and you're not setting yourself up for another reason for them to complain or criticize or make you the bad guy. ("You're a b****. YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME!")

You know, some of these you just can't win.

Don't invite them. If they ask, tell them that it's a friends -only shower and that the hostess couldn't fit friends and family, but if they'd like to, they can always throw you another baby shower. That way, you can enjoy your shower with your friends and they look like the jerks they are when they don't have a shower for you after complaining about wanting one.

My opinion, I wouldn't invite them. This shower is suppose to be happy and an enjoying time w/ friends and family. You are not obligated to invite them. If they question, just tell them your friend was the one who threw you the shower. She was the one who did the invite. Because of the situations between your family, I would not want them at the shower. If your feelings towards them are going to be miserable, your showere will be miserable as well. It frustrates me that they have the odasity to treat you that way, after all you have done for them. You are in a time of need as well and are not a bank. My thoughts...don't invite them. If they say something about it, your friend threw you the shower. And let your friend know as well, so she doesn't get asked questions. I'm sure she'll cover for you. Good Luck and hope you have a great Shower!!

If I were in a similar situation, I would do what has already been suggested----Invite the family and hope they don't come. I think it is a potentially volatile situation by not inviting them as family is always there, for better or worse, and generally, friends can come and go. Plus, by handling it this way you would be taking the high road. Chances are if they are mooches and have no money they wouldn't come anyway because they wouldn't/couldn't bring a present.

The other option is to have a "just friends" shower. That way if anyone from the family asks you can say that it was for friends only and then someone else could throw you another shower in your family. And quite likely, if it was just for friends then it would be easier to keep it quiet from your family.

Best wishes.

You know, this happens to a lot more people than you realize. Let me say this, Your baby shower is all about you and the baby coming. It is your time to enjoy friends and family all focused on the miracle to come. If you are having issues with people but feel obligated to invite them, I would say do not send them an invite. When they ask why, just say you thought they were too busy (considering they can not lend a helping hand to your family) and to the other, they could not afford to come (considering they have not paid you back and just bought new sofas). Sometimes you really have to think of yourself. The last thing you need is stress at a time of joy. Plus.. I have been to a shower where there was tension and other people realize it (believe it or not). I would take this time and be selfish. You deserve to have a wonderful shower and the person giving the shower deserves a good experience. I know they are family, but if they can not be there for you when your family needs support, than you are just a door mat. I am sorry if I am forward. I just have seen this more and more because of the economy and it is frusterating to hear. Hope that helps! Let us know what you decide! (I am curious). :)

You are not obligated to invite them. Especially if they bring negativity around you and your baby. Lots of people have several baby showers. If they want to, they can throw one for you, which I doubt they'll do. I've never invited someone to a party for me who I was uncomfortable with. Relationships go two ways and helping each other out is one thing that is nice to do, but you certainly don't need to invite them to every special moment in your life.

Hi C.,
What a tough place to be in especially while you are pregnant. Personally I think they have caused the family rift and you need to move on without including them in your special day. You don't need the extra stress of having them around and if they have a problem with that then they can pay back the loan to you and apologize for not helping you when you needed the help. This may sound rude but I would not include them and I would not feel bad about it. You have to take care of yourself right now and not be worrying about how others that have made a point of not carrying about you feel.
Have fun at your baby shower, enjoy every second with your new baby and focus on your immediate family, if your extended family want to be a part of that then let them know how you feel, be honest and sensitive but don't let them take advantage of you.
Good luck,
SarahMM

Perhaps, since it is a friend who is throwing the shower, make it a shower just for friends-- don't invite any family. Family members who you are on good terms with will certainly still get you/your baby a present even if there isn't a formal occasion to give it to you at, and will likely understand the pickle you are in if were to explain the situation (not that you necessarily have to or should...). Many people don't have baby showers after their first child (especially if the second is the same gender) so who knows, these 'selfish in-laws' may not even notice they weren't invited to a get-together of sorts.

Another idea would be to plan the shower at a location that costs money (difficult I know since your husband was just laid off, but...). We had our first shower at a water park where I worked for the summer and received two day passes with each paycheck. To keep costs down my husband and I decided to invite only as many people as we had passes for, and thus were forced to limit our guest list. For our second shower we went to a video arcade place which, although much less expensive, still required some money on our part, and thus we could use the "Sorry, our budget just wouldn't allow us to invite everyone we wanted to..." card. I also was invited once to a baby shower luncheon at Olive Garden for which each guest was informed they would have to pick up their own tab (said in a very nice way, of course). I suppose that's another idea.

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

Since your feelings are so strong and the situation is what it is at the moment, what with them owing you money that you certainly could use right now (and they know that but aren't paying), just leave them off your invitation list.

Discuss this with your friend who is hosting the baby shower and explain (confidentially)why you are not inviting them. Agree between the two of you that if any question comes up later, the explanation given will be that the reason was simply to limit the guest list to a reasonable number of people for your friend to have to host.

C.:

What a life situation you are in! After reading through this, I hope I have some advice that can help. I am glad you have good friends and one that will throw a baby shower for you in this time of need. You are NOT obligated to invite anyone that you don't want to-including family. The shower should be an enjoyable time for you and the soon-to-be child. Invite those individuals who are wonderful to be around and have a support and uplifting aura about them. I think this is a time that your family-whether they are invited to the shower or not-has the opportunity to show you/husband/family the love and support that you need and definitely deserve. If they don't then it truly tells you what kind of people they are. "Blood is NOT thicker than water" and I really hate that phrase. Some of the most sincere and wonderful people in my life are not necessarily my family, but good friends and neighbors who support you through all the phases of life. I am glad to hear that you have decided to draw some lines with these people. That is the first step. It should get easier as you continue to set boundaries. All the best to you, your immediate family (husband and child)and the little one in your tummy!

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through these problems. I think ultimately forgiveness will help you get beyond how you feel right now... something to work toward and pray for help to do (since harboring bad feelings will really only hurt you in the future). Having said that, I don't think you should invite them to the shower as those feelings are fresh and you need to have positive emotions right now, you have no responsibility to cause yourself that kind of emotional stress right now. And even if you forgive, it's okay to have a policy of not lending money. You are not made of money and have a lot of needs yourself, as well as if you do want to give money, you have the right to be discerning about who is in greatest need of money (not people who are constantly in a bind because they don't know how to be responsible and accountable. Good luck C.!

Be selfish (or so it may apear). enjoy your friends. Don't invite either side of the family and go to a nice luncheon away from your house. Ask your hosting riend if it is okay to lame her if they press for ean explanation..Oh, sorry, my riend made the guest list to be just friends. you don't owe them anything...certainly not after you have put out your neck so many times. I had like three different shower, family, family in Kansas, friends, and a little work friends one. so maybe they can through you one for family...or do it through the mail. My sister did that where everyone sends agift card to arrive at your house on the same day.

Oh, and I see this is your second anyway. we did a shower for a friend with them four years apart so she had tossed everything already. We specifically asked for diapers and grocery card lists. Then we had a really nice luncheon with just girls. We had several relatives just send her a gift card to Target. when it is a second it is assumed you won't get baby clothes and equipment.

If it were me...I wouldn't invite them....but that's not the advice I'm going to give you. I have sort of similar issues in my in-law side, but although I wouldn't invite them, my husband always says I have to invite them, and it is their choice on whether they come or not.

So invite them. (they are family)If they don't come, then you'll be okay, but then if they do, just be respectful towards them, you'll be to busy opening presents and playing games to spend time conversing with them. That shows you are the better person and you won't stoop down to their level. Good luck and Congratulations on your new baby :)

Honestly, I wouldn't invite them. If they are selfish enough to take advantage of you then you don't need them in your life even if they are family. I have family that I am not very fond of and I try not to be rude, but I am not going to bend over backwards for them.

I would definitely not give them anymore money. These are adults we're talking about right? They should be able to discipline themselves enough to take care of their own financial needs. It sounds like they need to grow up. Coming to your kids for financial help when they are not doing so well financially either is just tacky and rude. What is wrong with people these days?

It's your baby shower and you want to enjoy it not worry about all the possible scenarios that could occur. Invite those you get along with and be happy!!

I'm due in Sept. too! Congrats and good luck!

You are obviously a very loving person who cares about others. Because of this, you get taken advantage of. I would decide based on whether or not you really want them there as someone you care about...not out of obligation. This is a really special day for you and you don't want any riffs.

I'm about to have a big 40th birthday party and did not invite my brother....my parents are upset, so I said if they weren't going to be supportive of my decision, then they didn't have to come either. It sounds harsh, but I want to have fun and no problems.

Also, only give money knowing that you won't get it back....people can be very selfish. If you don't have the expectation of getting it back, then you can't be upset. If you can't get this mindset, then NEVER give money.

Good luck!!

call dr. laura...I personally would ask them to repay my money or specifically state that if they were to help with the apartment repairs their debt would be forgiven. Maybe they would be a little more agreeable with that option...repaying debts with manual labor. Also, indicate if they are unwilling to accept that arrangement you will be expecting repayment in full by such and such date. give them a timeline. Nag them. Let them know that if they fail to do so you will take legal action. You don't mind helping out, but you do mind being taken advantage of. They need to own up to their mistakes instead of asking you to pay for them. As far as the baby shower, how miserable would they make your life if you don't invite them? They are family...I would invite them and let them decide if they want to come or not.

If I were in your place, I'd have to really think hard about what to do. It sounds like these family members have taken advantage of you and you are still quite resentful. It may sound hard, but once you forgive them you will let go of a lot of that tension and then be able to make a decision on whether or not to invite them. Forgiving doesn't mean letting them do it again - you don't need to loan/give any more money or time to them - just let go of the bad feelings. You may still not want to invite them, maybe even because your space and money are limited. But you may decide to invite them and let them make the decision of whether or not to come. But think about if their presence would be awkward and make it not so fun for everyone there. And think about the golden rule, if the roles were reversed, what would you want you to do?

I totally understand having in-laws that are frustrating!! When I was pregnant with my oldest I went ahead and invited them all and no one showed up and it just seemed like a waste. So with my second I only invited the people I wanted there and I had such a great time. This is a party celebrating you and your new baby. Dont' have anyone there that you don't like or who you know will just be a pain in the...... Congrats on the baby!!! Hope you're shower goes well!!!

Have the good friend host the baby shower at her house, let her be in control of the invite list and that way it's completely out of your hands! As far as anyone else knows, it was a surprise shower, with just your closest friends.
As for your inlaws, DO NOT give them any more money! You have a family to worry about, they can figure it out themselves. Good luck to you!

Advice from an old lady- been there done that!: Your biggest problem is not the shower, but the fact that you have bent over backward to help them and they have not responded other than to act like the leaches they evidentally are. I am glad that you have drawn your line in the sand and hope you stick to it. That said, I don't think I would worry about family relations, as they obviously haven't. I say, invite only your friends and leave these people out. They will only try to suck you dry.

My daughter just gave her bf a baby/bridal shower (she lives out of state)she had to come up with guest list and my daughter followed it no problem and there were a few people she didn't invite to this, but were invited to the wedding next day. The reason for this is less stress on the mom/bride. So I would say invite who you want and will not cause undo stress on you. And don't worry about it. Maybe keep it "small" for a reason not to invite those you really don't want there.
One of my prof once told me if you lend money to family (even friends) consider it gone. But it would be nice that they would at least make a gesture to pay it back.
Good Luck.

Family issues suck!!! I had an acquaintance that stopped speaking to us because I didn't invite her to my baby shower - but she eventually got over it! This is supposed to be a special time for you - you don't need additional stress at this point in your pregnancy. I would make out the guest list to include mostly friends and maybe just the 2 grandmothers. Then you'll be able to say that this was a shower specifically for friends, not really family members (other than the grandmothers). If there are any questions from other family members simply say that space was limited and you're not the host of the party, just the guest of honor - you couldn't dictate how many people were able to be invited. This worked really well for me for both bridal showers and baby showers and was actually true because both events were sit down dinners at restaurants hosted (and financed!) by a good friend. She even willingly said that she'd be the "bad guy" and accept any responsibility for hurt feelings! :) It sounds like relations are already strained so I doubt the shower will change anything. You're doing the right thing by cutting your family off - you've been enabling them to continue on their irresponsible path. I speak from experience. We had to draw that line with my husband's sister and her family - we gave and gave and gave, and they continued to take as long as they could. Finally, we all stopped helping them - and you know what? They figured it out themselves and finally started taking responsibility for themselves and our relationship with them is better now than it has ever been. Good luck and try to enjoy your special day!

Have a "friend only" shower.....
No family, no rifts!
You said that "some" of the family was an issue....seriously, friends only....
If asked just say that you were under the impression (heard through the grapevine) that the family was doing their own thing and didn't want them to be obligated to do something twice with it being your second child!
Save face and stress!

THEY'VE caused the rift not you. Refusing to help when they know perfectly well they owe you says they don't care about your feelings or your husbands. This is your day for your baby and you have the right to have people around you who actaully care and who's company you enjoy. Have the shower do not invite them and if they are crass enough to make a thing of it just say "I knew you were having a tough time and just didn't want you to feel pressured to provide a gift" And to the one who has recently miscarried "I am sorry, I just didn't want to bring up painful memeories i knew a day like that would be painful." Both are true statements even if you aren't so sorry. ;)

Invite them, they won't come and you haven't given them any reason to speak ill of you.

Believe me you are in a no win situation and it is more stress then you need. They don't appreciate all you have done for them. I would gently remind them they owe you money and leave it at that.
Blessings on your new little one!
C. B

You are worried about creating a family rift?? Excuse me but they have already done that. We have a similar situation in our family. We have loaned money in the thousands, made rent deposits, and bailed her out of numerous situations. After over thirty years of this we finally decided that we weren't really helping her at all but only enabling. After this realization we no longer loan money.

These family members of yours are selfish and feel some kind of entitlement. You have not helped them if they keep coming to the trough. As long as you give - they will ask.

Forget trying to make nice. If you do invite them you will be on pins and needles hoping they don't show. Enjoy this shower with people who love, support and care about you.
Sending you the best.
Dee

Hi C.,

I think we all have family members that we just dislike or that have burned us. You and your husband sound like very kind and caring people; I know it really hurts when you help people out and they don't repay you or aren't willing to return the favor. I would suggest inviting them just so you don't make a huge family rift. Chances are they won't come anyways since the one family member owes you money and the other is going through a tough time with her miscarriage. I have family members like this I've helped out, and have had a similar response to yours. I have distanced myself from these people and only see them at family gatherings. It works well and I don't go out of my way to spend any other time with them or keep in contact.

Hope this helps.

Send them an invitation. Chances are that they won't show up but it saves you from causing a deeper rift in your relationships.

You are certainly not obligated to invite anyone you do not wish to come. But, you may want to think about the future with these family members and also your child. If, say in 10 years, you have all gotten past the selfishness (and yes, they are being VERY selfish) and you are friends, are you going to regret not having asked them to come? And when you are showing your child the scrapbook and pictures from the shower, will the child be upset that you left people out who may really want to be involved? My showers were all surprises, so I had no control over any of the guest lists and there were people who were very hurt at not being left out. I still hear about it and these showers were 1 year ago and 2 and a half years ago. And my sister-in-law was invited and chose not to come. If you invite them, they have the choice and maybe it will be the opening they have been waiting for to make things up with you and your family. But it's entirely up to you whether you feel you can handle it or not.

Yikes!! I can see how you could be concern.

First, for the one that miscarried... send her an invite but politely say on it, you are not offended if she can not come. That way she won't feel left out and the weight of the choice to come if off your shoulders.

Secondly, invite the other one as well. But make sure you don't sit by her at the shower. Tell your friend that you would rather be near her if she comes.

Thirdly, how rude of them not to help! And I would want to be at them forever, however, that isn't healthy for you. Try to brush it off your shoulder and know that you are the better person for it. Good idea about your rules though.

Best of Luck and congrats on the new baby to come!

this one caught my eye because i'm in an awkward baby shower situation too. the problem was caused by a family member who wanted to plan a party for me, had good ideas and was willing to do much of the work, but she didn't have any money to do it. she wanted another family member, who normally wouldn't enjoy putting on a party and doesn't generally just hand out money, to pay for it all. it turned into a mess and even though i thought i could stay out of it, i don't feel so great about my own party anymore.
so i have 2 words of advice for you. first, since it is a friend throwing the party, it doesn't have to be an all-family party. just don't invite the inlaws you are not comfortable with. if any inlaws question you about it, just simply say that you have had some disagreements lately with those uninvited inlaws and felt either they or you would be uncomfortable together right now. or just say you're not as close to them as you are to the other women. be prepared that the unwanted inlaws may show up anyway, but don't make a big deal out of it if they do. just be gracious and pay more attention to the people you prefer to spend time with right now.
second, you are smart to draw a line when it comes to lending money to people who have shown in the past that they won't repay you. make a rule between you and your husband about how you will handle lending money in the future and then move on. try not to think about your inlaws' big purchases as YOUR money that they are spending unwisely. when you give a loan, you are giving up the choice of how the money is spent. it is frustrating, but that is how it happens. once or twice a year (especially before tax refunds) you can remind them that they owe you the money and ask what their plan for repaying it is. throughout this mess with my family, i have learned that every couple has their own money philosophies and you can't force someone to handle money the way that you think they should. you can protect your own funds and protect your relationships by learning the money philosophies of other family members and respecting them, no matter how you disagree with them. i think a big reason for the fight in my family was one family member expecting another family member to do something financially that she should have known by now was not normal behavior for the other, no matter how much she disagreed with it.
i hope that you and i both can let go of the tension in our families enough to really enjoy our parties! good luck!

No way should you invite them! This is your shower, and you should have who you want there to make it memorable for you. Everything they have done sounds awful, and inviting them to your shower definitely will not make things better with all that's happened. Good luck!

I'm sorry you are having to go through this! But my thought was that you should not invite them. It is apparent that they cannot really afford to bring a gift and if you are just going to worry about them the whole time they're there then you wont enjoy it either.
Frankly i would say just don't invite any of your in-laws and don't tell them about it. If they find out about it you can tell them you didn't want it to be an added finacial burden for them.

I'm thinking your good friend who wants to throw the baby shower has a good idea of who your other good friends are... so unless she's good friends with your various in-laws, ask if she's willing to be the scapegoat. If your in-laws find out about the shower and actually express dismay, then you can blame it on your friend :) (with her permission, of course) Give her the list she asked for.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like much fun to have people you don't particularly want around at a celebration of your newest addition.

I must admit-- I personally wouldn't feel too bad. I am only willing to put so much into a one-way relationship.

If the in-laws want to have a family baby shower, let them. Sounds like that isn't a high probability.

what about just making it a "friends and grandparents" shower. You don't have to invite anyone to your party that you don't want there.

It's your party, to celebrate a happy occasion in your life, don't invite anyone that would ruin the day. If later it causes a rift, be honest about your reasons for not invinting them

just don't invite them. they are not concerned with your feelings so they shouldn't expect anything more from you. if they ask you why tell them why but a baby shower is supposed to be about you and your baby. If i were you, i would not have much to do with them anymore. find some trusted friends to help you fix up the apartment. you don't need that kind of negatvity in your life. let them back in if/'when they can be nice and respectful. as dr phil says" people treat you the way you allow them to treat you." if you expect more you will either lose the disrespectful people from your life or they will shape up and act with some respect. it is up to you to have the backbone to demand the respect, gl, N.

I say don't invite them because it's YOUR baby shower and it's about YOU and your baby. Not about pleasing everyone else. Then if they hear about it after the fact, just tell them that your friend planned it and did all the invites and that you didn't give her a guest list. Then they can't blame you. I didn't invite some of my co-workers to my baby shower simply because I wasn't really friends with them, I didn't really want them there and I don't regret it. I just didn't want to feel "obligated" to invite everyone for fear of causing hurt feelings. And no one ever said a word to me or my friend that threw the baby shower.

Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful baby shower.

Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, families always have their ways. I know how mine is and if you weren't to invite them, it would cause problems despite how they treat your family. But I wouldn't invite them if it were me. I got in a fight with my father's sisters almost three years ago and I'm not inviting them to my upcoming wedding. They never appologized, and the only time one of them called me was on accident. My sisters are also very selfish like that, and we were told by my mom that my fiance and I must pick new baby names for our future child, because they were the names my little sister wanted if she ever had kids (all 8 names). Good luck. It's your choice and you can explain after, if there is a problem. Congrats on the new one.

You can still invite them, but they probably won't come. If they haven't talked to you and are upset with the things that transpired they won't come but at least you extended the "olive branch". If they do decide to show up, I'm sure that you will have plenty of people to interact with so the time you spend with them will be limited. You could even make sure a couple of your friends kind of know what's going on and if they should happen to try and talk to you have a friend step in and take you out of the situation

I worried about who to invite/who not to invite too. I have in-laws, step-parents, aunts and uncles, etc who all live nearby and if I invited everyone, well, there'd be no place to sit and it would cost a lot of money just to feed everyone. So, I finally made peace with this idea: if my dad's family wanted to come to a shower for me, well, I guess they'd have to throw one for me. (Same went for my in-laws, etc.) I ended up inviting my closest friends and family and I left it at that. I think there may have been some hurt feelings, but I also think people may have realized you have to draw the line somewhere.... Good luck.

I say invite them, and hope they don't come (which is usually what happens) they are family, and yes I know family are a pain and sometimes we wonder why we need them, but it does mean something.

If you don't invite them it could turn even uglier, and possibly divide the family. I have a rule/saying if I loan money out, I do it with the expectation of never getting it back, my logic is this, if they are desperate, then the odds are they won't have the money. If I get it back great, but I don't count on it.

As to the other one, I would treat her much different, it must have been a huge loss, and everyone deals differently, some not as well as others. Maybe the shower can help her heal a little?

What does your husband say? It is his side of the family.

Good luck, I don't know that there is a right or wrong answer.

I think you've already answered the question yourself. Family or not, don't give them any more money and don't invite them if you don't want them there. It will only make this special time harder for you.

Invite who you want and stop trying to "be the better person" at your expense. If there is a problem with the family explain to them your side and leave it at that. I come from a big family and I have learned through experience that once people having proven that their values are different than yours there is nothing you can do to change it. So move on with your life the way you want to and stop worrying about them. They obviously are not worrying about you.

Yes, it will be hard, but more rewarding than you might realize. Good luck and congratulations!!!!

Maybe it is time to put the anger away and move on to What your child needs, love and support. Sometimes that means forgive and forget. Dont loan them money but dont show them that thier actions are going to change that Family is important to you. I know that is easier said than done. I have step family that I had the same problem with. I was to the point that I was always dwelling on what had happened. I dont know waht happened but one day I just decided to let it now bring me down. I have been so Happy since. I even get along with my step family. I dont loan them money. It makes us both happy. I just set them down and told them how they were treating me. I let them know that I wanted to have a relationship with them but if they were going to contune treating me like a slave I was going to have to let them go. Well it worked. I hope it works for you
B.

A little about me: 30 yrs old Widowed Mother of 4. 2 boys and girls. Jaymes 12, Jaclynn 9, Jenyfer 7, and Jeysen 4 1/2
Father passed away 3 years ago in Car wreck.

C. - I learned a long time ago you can choose your friends not your relatives! My husband has a HUGE family, I married HIM not his family of which I only know half of them and of those that I know I barely like 1/3 of them. If I were you I would say I am only inviting those that I WANT at the shower - people who care about us and the baby - just because you married into this family doesnt mean you have to spend time with them, and if they have abused the "relationship" then they don't deserve the invite. One year for Thanksgiving dinner my husband was really mad at his family (mine lives over 500 miles away and not the issue) so he told them that we were doing dinner for our FRIENDS not FAMILY. I tell you what - they straightened up their act by Christmas that year for sure!

"it's my party & I'll cry if I want to..." (sounds like you will if they go)
It's YOUR baby shower. If you don't want them there, you need to give yourself permission to say no. You want your shower to be a fun time, lots of laughs & the inevitable horror stories that come when you get mommies together. Not a time spent worrying about what they're thinking about, what one just whispered to the other, what they're going to tell everyone about your dress/house/shower.
And if it comes to it, it was an intimate shower w/a few of your close friends...
As for the refusing to help when they've been helped so much-we've been in the "helped" situation before & I try my hardest to pay it back in other ways, especially if there's a chance that we won't be able to pay it back for a long time. I've helped clean garages, clean campers, done dishes, babysat more hours than I care to count. If they're not willing to pay you back at least with help while they're not paying back the cash, who needs 'em? Especially if they've got money to buy new stuff when you desperately need your money back.

C., certainly this is a time of your glory and you have a right to be healthy,happy and stress free in your days of pregnancy. If you have relatives that are over bearing , whoever is giving you the party can say they invited the people to come and sorry I forgot you. Let whoever is giving the party, let them take the heat. I am sure it wouldn't bother them a bit to help you out. Send the invitations out as usual , but anyone associated with the people you don't want to come send there invitaions out a few days ahead of time, so the others think it was last minute and that they were truly forgotten.

all I can say is you have a baby on the way and another one already and maybe you guys just need to say no to helping the inlaws you have already done enough!! and you are good people for that=) but it sounds to me that they are not very good with their own money and if you dont say no it will just keep on going! and it would be different if you were paid back but to buy cloths with what they owe you is just plain rude!! maybe if they were not invited then they might get the message! remember you were the one that did the nice deed not them and they walked all over you plus this is your day to celebrate you and the baby=)

Just turn the other check, you will always be the one to get asked to do things it won't change.
You can at least get a baby gift out of them just don't count on it.