Possibly Getting a Divorce

Sooo Sorry! My parents are getting a divorce and I am 28 and it still is not easy at any age. I don't really have advice, just wanted to say sorry!

Hi K.,

I'm in the midst (almost through) a divorce myself. My husband I split up 6 months ago, when my youngest was 1 month old. Will you have an attorney? If you work w/ an attorney or a mediator they can help you come up w/ a parenting schedule that works for both of you. It can be graduated over time since you will have a newborn and probably won't want to be away from the baby much (especially overnight).

In any case, I'd love to support you through this process and share some of the things I've learned and experienced while going through it. Please feel free to contact me anytime. ###-###-####.

I wish you the best,

A.

Ok first things first. Divorce is NOT the easy way out. it is the HARD way out. I left my soon to be ex 1 1/2 years ago. I look back now and wish i would have left him sooner. it is NOT only up to you as a wife to make sure you are doing things right in your marriage and make it so he wants to come home to you like 1 of the other posts said. My ex and i tried couseling but you have to be honest in couseling. he was not he based his lies off of my answers in couseling. I brought up things to the couselor that i was scared to tell him at home for fear of the fight. No he was not physically abusive. He was angry and never there. He put his alcohol and his work before me and my 3 kids. I left him when my youngest was 10 months old. we had problems our hole relationship. I did not want to end up divorced like my parents. 1 person CANNOT make the relationship work. it is a 2 person thing. having kids is hard on a marriage but if he is not there now i really doubt if he is going to be there in the future. A tiger doesnot and will not change his stripes so to speak. If you are not happy or not in a good situation then get out. you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. you deserve to be happy but so do your kids. my kids have blossomed so much since we left. they now know how to smile and play and laugh. yes couseling is a good idea for you. Find someone to help you through the stress and the emotions. I do not talk about my ex or how rotten he is to my children. When my oldest (the only one who really knows or remembers her dad) brings him up we talk about what is bothering her and then i ask her what it was like when we lived with him. She remembers that we didn't get along and that he was never there for her. She misses the idea of a dad but i have surrounded her and my other 2 children with people who WANT to be a part of their lives and who care. Not just when it is a convience for them unlike her dad. My other 2 don't remember him. In time i know that my kids will make their choices and i support them and love them enough to be there for them. If he doesn't want to be in their lives your children will soon figure it out but be there for them no matter what. I wish you the best of luck. Please know that you are not alone in all of this. I have met a wonderful friend on this site and we have been there for eachother because we understand the stress. If you need to vent please feel free to send me an email on here. If you are not happy in your life situation right now please understand that you are not stuck and it is ok to get out and find happiness.

I realize you are a hormonal pregnant mommy right now, but giving up on your marriage is not good for your babies. You didn't give specifics about what caused this, and that is really your business, but maybe you can think about it in a different perspective. What I am about to say may strike a cord in you and it may not, but just think about it. How have you been treating your husband lately? Have you been treating him like he's your boyfriend? Have you been acting like his girlfriend? Guys react to us. Being a SAHM can be very stressful or it can be what you make it. When he comes home from work, do you immediately go into how hard your day is, or do you give him a big hug and smooch ask him how his day was? Are you dressed in sweats, or do you try to look nice for your husband when he comes home? Do you treat him like a MAN and tell him how proud you are of him for working his butt off to take care you and your baby? Do you tell him how much you appreciate him for being a great provider so that you can stay home with the kids? Do you create a warm, cozy, loving home that would make your husband want to come home? Would you want to come home to you? Really, women have all the power in a marriage. We set the tone of the home. Sometimes we forget how to treat each other and get caught up in who does more, who did what sibling rivalry type stuff, and our marriage gets lost. Unless you married a complete jerk who is abusive, alcoholic or does drugs, isn't your marriage worth trying to fix, if not for you, for your babies? How did you get so out of touch so soon after you were married? Your babies deserve a mom and a dad together in the same home. They don't deserve to have to visit their parents because they couldn't keep it together. I think couples who don't have children can end a marriage if they are really not a match and made a mistake, but when you have children, I don't think you have the right to turn their lives upside down and create chaos for them to have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Your children need to come first. I suggest you pick up a couple of books. They are easy reads and will help get you back to the way you used to feel about your guy. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." You may even want to give the author, Dr. Laura Schlessinger a call. Your kids are counting on you.

K.,

I am so sorry that your marriage is ending.
With two little ones it will be very hard for you.
She just needs to know that Daddy and Mommy are just not going to live together anymore. For now that will suffice.
Believe me I know.
If he is never home as you say, then the divorce will mean little to him, but what kind of father is he honey?
Anyway, good luck to you and your babies, I wish you the best.
Sincerely,
M.

K.
First of all, Don't, I repeat, Dont make this decision based on the children. Children as they get older will pick up on the fact that mom and dad dont get along and they will at some point blame themselves because that is just how kids rationalize things. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is going to be really hard on you and my suggestion would be get an attorney, and make a parenting plan. The money and child support thing is going to be what most people shove in your face and yes you do need financial support for your children but you will not be able to force that any more than you can force him to spend time with the kids. If he is not spending much time at home or with them as it is you can make a parenting class a part of the stipulation. Some men dont have any natural instinct when it comes to raising kids and need classes to teach them about temperatures and bathing and when to go to the doctor. Also, you can implement a parenting schedule where he has a scheduled time to be with the kids and you can request that be supervised or not. you know him far better than i do and know if he is going to be ok with them. Dont consider it forcing him either. You both got into parenting together as a married couple. Dont let him use the forcing him to be a parent as a cop out. This is going to be very hard for you but what you are going to have to try and do is think about what is best for the children. Dont think about your needs or his. You are both adults and able to look out for yourselves but all those babies have is you to depend on. I hope any of this helps and good luck to you honey. It is not going to be easy but you will make it through and so will your beautiful little angels.
L.

K.,
So sorry to hear you are going through this! Ask yourself if he is staying away because he wants to or if it is his job coming between you. When we were much younger, my husband had a job that he worked ALL the time. The bosses were constantly on his case. I didn't realize it at the time and I was ready to divorce him over it because I thought he didn't care about me or our daughter.
A man's way of taking care of his family is by working. Often they think making more money will take care of a situation. It doesn't. We ended up talking about our situation and my husband did change jobs. In the end he took a job at less money but much more flexibility and we have been together almost 25 years. It has not always been easy but ALWAYS WORTH IT!

Marriage is such a partnership. One partner can't keep things going on their own, but if one is faltering, the other needs to help. My husband and I have agreed that we can't both break down at the same time. He carried our family (three daughters) for years as well while I went through a major depression. Now we take turns.;)
God's Blessings for you and your family!
I will keep you in my prayers.

A.

Hi K.,
I am so sad to hear you are thinking of divorce. Have the two of you sat down and talked about all this? Why is he alway's gone, is he working to support the family? Are you prepatred for life as a single mother, do you have an education or skills to make a living for yourself and your kids. To put two young one's in day care is a huge expense. Yes you will get child support but it most likely won't be enough to support you and the kids. You said he is the lve of your life, well try to remember why you loved him. If he is decent, takes responsibility for you and the kids, helps around the house at all, give him a chance. You love those kids, put them first and try to work this out, yu are so young and I know when I was 21 I did not have the responsibility like you do now and it must be very hard and stressfull. Is he wanting to make it work? If you can't work it out then absolutely do everything you can to keep the relationship with him positive and encourage him to be a part of your kids life, raise the kids together. Put them first, nurture the relationship with their father.

wow, when I read this request, I was expect to read a lot of man bashing. I am really impressed and pretty much agree with everyone else. If he is not physically harming you or your kids, then you really, really, REALLY should try to work things out. Divorce just shouldn't be an option. I mean, if you are only 3 months pregnant, then I would assume that just 3 months ago, you loved him, he loved you, and everything was just fine. Realize that in the early months of pregnancy, couples usually fight alot. You're tired, your sick, you hormones are turning you into a crazy lady, he's scared, he's stressed, 2 kids costs more than 1, how is he going to deal with all that....my advice is wait it out. Things will get better in a few months, when you are both adjusted to the idea of a new baby.

talk to him. if you both feel like a divorce is what needs to happen, then talk about joint custody, visitation rights, so forth. if he doesn't want anything to do with her, then explain to her that daddy isn't going to be around anymore. love her with all your heart, and do what you feel is best.

K., i am so sorry that you are going through this. i feel that i need to address a comment that said that divorce is a lifelong disaster for kids....

i divorced from my children's father and to this day my kids are thankful. my husband, while not physically abusive was harmful for my kids and for myself. it would have been easier to get people to understand why i left him had i been able to say "he was physically abusive" because people understand bruises and broken arms, but they don't necessarily understand abusive neglect, mental head games, etc. my kids and i have a much much healthier life since i divorced. because my kids were older than yours, and because i live in a different state than yours, i was able to set things up so that my kids saw their father in accordance to how mentally stable he was at any given time. i have responsible kids and neither ever used this "power" they had irresponsibly.

i didn't divorce when i should have because i believed 10000% in marriage for life. it took me a long time to come to the frame of mind where i realized divorce was the healthiest thing i could do.

i am not saying that divorce is your best option as i am not in your shoes. i just wanted to tell you that you are in the best situation to determine what is more harmful to your kids. having a father in the home who does not participate in any healthy way with his kids or his wife harms everyone and teaches our kids a twisted sense of relationships.

on a different note, some men don't realize truly how much their children mean to them and as time goes on the father to your children may come around to realizing he wants to invest more of himself into a healthy relationship with his kids. no matter what decision you make, remember that you are doing what is best for your kids.

best to you,

S.

just a note. The first three years of marriage are pretty hard for every one and throw an infant into the picture adds additional stress to an allready difficult transition into marriage. I would not jump to a divorce too quickly --it may not be the people involved (you and your husband) but the situation that has caused such stress and unhappiness. I have been married for over 8 years and it is still a challenge so keep your head up when things get hairy. You should get a good therapist if you don't allready have one to discuss all of your concerns with. I go to a therapist every other weak just for me and it keeps me rational and grounded. If you need a name of a great!!! therapist just let me know. Several of my friends go to him as well - one of which he helped through a divorce (she has a young daughter). I could ramble on forever...I just don't want you to make any impulsive decisions. The grass isn't always greener anywhere else. It tends to be the same grass or worse!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just wanted to add my support. Good luck. Consider therapy.

I just wanted to tell you to be very careful financially. Anything you and your husband have purchased jointly will go on your record, even if he gets it in the divorce settlement. If you bought a car and co-signed on it, he gets it in the settlement but doesn't make payments, you are responsible. This is also true of any bank accounts, credit cards, homes, or anything you both may have your name on. Make sure you cancel ALL of your credit cards so that you can't be held responsible for charges he may make. Remove your name from any cars, homes, etc. that you have purchase together but he gets in the settlement; you may need to do a re-purchase to do this (sell the car to your husband exclusively). I have known several women who have declared bankruptcy after a divorce to protect themselves financially from their ex-spouses. It absolves them from all debt they have with their ex-husband that they don't get in the settlement. Talk to a financial adviser on this. Divorce finances are really tricky and it can be very difficult to separate yourself from your spouse financially.

I really hope you don't have this type of trouble, but I have seen a few divorces where one spouse is financially damaged from the other because they were unaware of the damage of joint accounts. Good luck with everything.

Hi K.;

I know you've got a TON of great advice...I just want to put in my two cents.

My parents divorced before I was born. My sisters were 10 and 12. I have to say; it wasn't a big deal to me because I never knew mom and dad to be married...I used to hear people talking on television or random adults talking about how divorce is so hard for the kids...I never ever got it. I was glad my mom and dad weren't married.

My sisters on the other hand struggled with it a bit more. They had both parents together and remembered it. They try to maintain a relationship with our father and often overlook the many horrible things he does. In my opinion they have "daddy issues". :) To me; this means they are forever trying to win his affection and attention. My dad is a total jerk; I know it, my sisters know it. The difference is my judgment isn't clouded by memories.

What I am trying to say is this: If your husband is a jerk; he's cheating on you, lying constantly, disrespecting you and your children; essentially his behavior and life choices are NOT condusive to what you agreed upon when you chose to be life partners. If your values are not the same, and you've tried...REALLY tried to work it out; your kids will be ok. It's likely that they are too young to have memories of you two being married. They'll grow up knowing mom and dad have always lived in separate houses.

Whether your husband will go or not get into counseling, it gives you a disinterested third party to talk to and a good counselor will know the ropes and can help you out in ways you never thought of! He may not be home much but once this starts it's virtually guaranteed to get ugly. Don't fantasize that he will walk away and leave you and the kids alone, it rarely happens. He may seem disconnected to you but that just may be the male tendancy to think once a woman is happy she'll stay that way and he can get on with the business of supporting all of you.

Is he still in the house? If he is you aren't at the beginning yet. You are awfully young. Try to get both of you in for counseling if at all possible, see if you can save the relationship because sweetheart you're barely old enough to support you, let alone two kids and my bet is he doesn't make the kind of money it takes to support two households - yours and his. Read Men are From Mars Women are From Venus, it will help you understand yourself and him better and how to communicate rather than just talk.

If you can't save it, can you afford a lawyer? $150 to $300 an hour? With kids in the picture it can get complicated and there are things you won't think of; requiring you both have term life ins with the kids as beneficiaries, college savings, who will provide med coverage for the kids, will you split non covered costs, how about school fees,athletic fees when from middle school on, rec sports fees, tutoring costs if needed, the cost of your daughter's homecoming and prom dresses, driving school??? Will you be intitled to part of his current 401k or retirement plan? Do you own or rent? How much debt do you have? There are a million questions, you'll need help.

Sorry to hear about the tough situation you are in. If he is open for counseling, go for it together. If not, go alone. The one thing that has always stuck in my mind is a youth pastor said the biggest thing on how kids deal with divorce is how their parents talk about and treat each other. Never say a bad thing about the Dad. He said the kids are smart and will figure things out on their own eventually. Not sure where you are on the religious spectrum, but there is a good book called "The Power of the Praying Wife". She was on the edge of divorce and turned things around with prayer - not change this about him type prayer, but more prayer and support about his positive attributes. If things don't look like it will work out, then email me and I'll send you some info on legal services plans that will help you know your rights and give you a discount if you need to retain an attorney. Hang in there!

Oh may goodness I am so sorry. I hope it does not come to that. I am divorce also when I was 22 with two children 4, 2 and everyone told me go get help, but it only made it worse, so I not going to say that. I will stay talk to your husband get down to the root of the problem. Do you both spend time together? At least twice a week. Talk together about problems in the marriage. If that does not work make sure you get a lawyer to ensure you have the children, allow him to visit as much as he would like that way he can not come back years later and say "You never let me see the children. Make sure though that you have protection agaist him taking the children also. MAny men would say " I don't wait the children and then they get them on a visit and bam they are all gone. Not saying that is going to happen, but just in case. I hope you have family support because if it come down to it your going to need it. I hope not. If you really love him talk to him, spend time together let him know how you feel and find out how he feels. There was a reason why you both married each other try to get it back somehow. Best of Luck.

It is so hard getting a divorce to begin with. Make sure that you file so that what you need is in the decree. NEVER put the babies in the middle. Let them know that it is okay to love their daddy, no matter what. What he does with it is his choice. Make sure that child support comes in whether he is there or not. If you need him to provide insurance, make sure that is in the decree. I loved being able to have the say as to what I needed for my children. If the divorce is the choice you have to make, then don't be ugly with it because your children need to feel comfortable to talk to you about anything, including their daddy. My girls have turned out pretty secure in that and I was the one who benefitted from all of it. Also make sure that you have Primary custody or full custody and you get to claim them on your taxes. I did that since he did not pay medical bills for them. I hope this helps! Kay

Divorce is an ongoing lifelong disaster for children. Could you try counseling, or have him start listening to Dr. Laura to hear all the people who call in full of pain after having made this decision? If he's not actually abusive, could you hold the marriage together?

Do everything you can to SAVE THIS MARRIAGE for the sake of your children who need an intact home with both Mommy and Daddy. It will be a lot harder on you and your kids if you divorce. Unless your husband is abusive, you have an obligation to try to work things out. Seek help from a minister, counselor, financial advisor, or whomever might help resolve whatever marital problems you have. Please do this for your children.

Hi K.,
What a sad decision to have to make during what should be a happy and hopeful time! I wish that you and your husband can work things out BUT don't just stay in a loveless marriage for the kids. This teaches them that is OK and that they shouldn't expect to be happy. One of my best friend's parents stayed together for the kids and made everyone miserable because they could never get along. They finally divorsed once both kids were out of the house and no one could ever figure out why they hadn't done it 15 years earlier!

I just went through a divorce last year at this time when my son was almost 2. My only suggestion is this: Talk about going to a therapist together AND separately. You didn't really talk about why you are getting a divorce, so obviously I can't give too much help, but the ONE thing that can't hurt, and can only help really, is a family therapist or marriage counselor.

My ex and I went once, but he was cheating on me, so even though we ended our marriage it was on very amicable terms. The counselor helped us to see that what happened between us is not something our son needs to deal with. I have put my son ahead of all of my emotions, and even hang out with my ex and his girlfriend with our son so that he can have some mommy and daddy time together, instead of just mommy or just daddy time.

Kids are very resilient at that age. As your kids grow up, they will actually consider divorced parents 'normal' to them, because that's the only thing they know. My parents divorced when I was 5 and it never bothered me that they didn't live together.

Please just think long and hard before signing any paper work. Perhaps take a few days alone with your husband to talk about your life, if the issues you two are having are resolvable or not. If they are resolvable then try. Not only for your kids, but for you too. Divorce is hard. And whether or not you stay married, your husband is the father and will always be a part of your life, regardless of whether you stay married or not.

Best of luck

I have a good friend who went through the same thing. They had a beautiful little girl, everything seemed great, then he moved in with some chic. She desperately wanted to keep the family together so the kids would have both parents. All the papers were ready, then they decided to try to reconcile. Long story short, she got pregnant again and they're divorced. I can't even begin to describe how hard that was on her! One of the things I know she's done, though, is made it entirely his choice as to whether or not he sees the kids. She's made it clear that he can see them whenever he wants to (within reason of course) He mostly chooses not to, and doesn't actually take good care of them when he does. In the end, I feel that the kids will know their lack of relationship with their father has nothing to do with their mother taking her hurt out on them, but because their father didn't do his part. She is careful not to say anything bad about dad in front of them. I'm not saying she's perfect, but she's letting him be the one to choose what his relationship is, instead of her dictating it. I think that's making the best of the situation. God bless you honey, I'm sure you'll get through this rough time!

Hi K.,
I grew up in a divorced family and know a bit of the turmoil that divorce can cause.I also have been blessed by step-parents and from learning lessons that resulted from a broken family circumstance. I encourage you to use every resource you can possibly use to help your marriage to work. While you are in such a challenging stage (caring for young child and pregnant), there are both early and heavenly resources available to you to strengthen you in your efforts to keep your family together. You will have greater peace of mind if you give it all you can. The first place I start to solve any problem is with my Heavenly Father. I know that He is kind, merciful, loving, patient, and wants my total happiness. He knows my heart and mind, and He raised me as a spirit before I came to earth. So I know I can trust Him. He has never let me down. He also knows you and your husband, and He will be able to help you work things out if there is a possibility of that. Talk to your Father in Heaven in prayer: find a quiet, private place and pour out your heart. He will help you! I send you my love and my prayers for your success! Here is also an article and some links to some resources that can help you:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2...
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/glossar...
You can send for a free booklet here:
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/members...
If you go to mormon.org, you can click on "ask a question" and then "chat live" and request a free copy of the movie, "Together Forever."
You can also email me back for more resources.

It's hard making such a big decision to make when so many changes are going on in your body. Have you tried couples therapy? Maybe with your pastor or someone like that. If he's not home, talk to him about it. Communication is the key to any relationship.
That said, you can only deal with it for so long. Contact your local legal services. They can help you start filing the paperwork you need to fill out. Be warned, it's a long process. My divorce won't be final until the 23rd of this month and I started the process in March. I have a therapist who works with us for other reasons and she helped us talk to our boys. They are older too so that helps in some ways. My ex and I try as hard as I can to be civil to each other about the boys. If you're truly not happy and have tried everything to make your marriage work then, I'd say end it. Good luck!!!

I'm not sure of your situation. I do know what I've been through and divorce is HARD on everyone, especially the kids. My oldest was 3 and he's now 11. Just the other night he was saying how it has hurt him. Back then I thought it was best and was probably pretty selfish, thinking more of me that my son. Unless he's hurting you can you try to work it out? I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it as I really can't stand my ex, but for your kids it might be best if you tried. It is a life changing thing and it might be beet not to rush into anything and seek counseling if he'll go. What does he want do you / can you talk? Good luck and I have a good ear if you ever want to talk, feel free to send an email :) Lanna

K.,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old and just the other day my mom said to me that divorce is hardest on the kids. I can attest to that. Also, my sister- and brother-in-law are going through the nastiest divorce and I have been helping my SIL with a lot of stuff and learning a lot along the way. What they are going through reminds me so much of the current political campaigns. My BIL is being very hurtful, deceitful and I can see now he's not the man I thought he was. Divorce affects all branches of the family tree.

I know you've had a lot of posts regarding this first issue but ... First, are you absolutely, 100% sure divorce is the way to go? If you're sure you've exhausted every option to save your marriage (if that's what you want), only then should you go down that path. I truly see it as an absolute last resort. I've been close to a few in my lifetime and they are never easy, even if they are amicable. You're young and marriages do go through their ups and downs ... sometimes the rough patches seem like the end of the road. Many couples have found though that getting through a hard time together bonds them even tighter and their relationship becomes stronger. You've had a lot of advice to seek marital counseling and I think that's always a good option if you can get him to go.

Secondly, if you're certain about divorce, get some legal advice before you take this up with him. A family law attorney will be helpful in letting you know what you're rights are, what you're entitled to, etc. This doesn't mean you have to retain an attorney with a huge amount of money. Usually the advice may cost a couple hundred dollars or be free, depending on the source.

Third, Consider coming to your terms together first ... when you're both calm. There is paperwork you can fill out and file on your own. If that's not an option, consider mediation before an ugly legal battle. My mother in-law has two sayings about divorce: "The one who leaves usually loses" and "No one wins except the lawyers ... there's only degrees of loss."

Please, please, please think this over carefully before proceeding.

Well, hopefully, you at least can see from these responses that you are not alone & you have people out there rooting & praying for you.
I don't have much advice, just a shoulder for you. I do agree about the counselor, it's a must. You need it the most, no matter how this marriage works out for you, you will need someone on the outside to help you keep your confidence. If you don't like the first one you talk to, keep looking. It's really worth it and if money is an issue, there are agencies or churches that can help. Don't give up on yourself, that is the most important strategy. Your children will not be happy and healthy if you can't be in the long run.
If you ever need to vent, just shoot me an email, I'll always be happy to help.

Hi K. -
No matter what the circumstances, it's going to be harder and have more fallout than you can imagine right now. My best advice - and I am divorced after 23 years of marriage - is twofold: never say anything derogatory about your child's father, no matter how true it is; and let your lawyer take care of you! I had an attorney, but worked out most of the details with my almost-ex, and I regret not letting my attorney "push" for my benefits and future.
If your spouse has been pretty absent as a parent during your marriage, it will probably continue; I'd include wording that allows him parental rights but doesn't force him. You just can't force someone to be an involved parent! Dang!

ask him if he wants to work on it and fix it -- if so, get a counselor -- if you can't afford one and you're LDS, talk to your bishop about a referral to social services and even use him if he will

and before going in for a divorce, there are lawyers who have classes you can take before making the hard decision -- several around -- check it out -- they could save your marriage if both of you are willing to work at it

Hi Kelly,

When I was younger I thought I was married to the love of my life, he was my best friend and we were going to grow old together. Then things went bad and we seperated when I was six months pregnant with my second child. I had a four year old and now I was faced with trying to survive with a four year old and a child on the way. At the time I didn't talk to him the way I should have, it was just one fight after the other and we ended up in a divorce. I believe if we would have gotten the help we needed, if we would have been able to communicate better then we would not have divorced. But, that was in the past and today we are really good friends, we have two buitiful girls and five wonderful grandchildren. So what I am saying is if you want this marriage to work then you have to see what is really going on. Is he seeing someone else, or is it his job that is keeping him away from. Then you need to say why am I wanting to seek a divorce is it because he is away all the time or is there another reason. Look for the true reason in your heart and heal this and if it can't be healed then seek for help either through christian counsling or through a attorney. They will help you either way. Don't stay for the children stay because it is what you both want. If you ever want someone to talk to who has been in your shoes please feel free to email me I can listen very well. Take care and keep Jesus in your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.

S. D.

well if you need suport you can email me ____@____.com me and my husband are in the middle of one and we have a 12month old

Just make sure this is really what you want to do. When I was pregnant with my first baby I was a little hormonal/emotional. I am really glad I cleared the air with my husband instead of breaking up. I turned out to be the best thing I ever did for our relationship. He just needed the scare of losing me, us.

Wow, you have a lot going on: you are figuring out how to navigate the world as an adult, not just a teenager, as is your husband; you have a toddler which is a ton of work in and of itself; are pregnant and dealing with pregnancy issues; and then you're also newly married. Holy cow! Seek counseling, seek counseling, seek counseling!

I like to think of myself as a very strong woman but faced with everything you have going on I would have crumbled like a muffin under a steamroller. Can't say it enough, start seeing a counselor for yourself, and go to couples therapy. The first few years of marriage are the hardest, especially at such a young age. You're growing so much as individuals and as people and now raising more little people that you need all the support you can find. Don't give up on your marriage on issues that under normal circumstances would be easier to handle. Hopefully, he'll at least agree to counseling. GL.

Hi,

I don't know your specific circumstances, but I want to share with you some knowledge and advice. Let me start by telling you a little bit about my experiences...I married at 20 and had a baby girl ( I got married because I was pg) That didn't last and before my now 18 year old was 6 months old, I left him. He saw Laura only at the most 5 times throughout her life. I never kept her from him, but her never made an effort to see her. When she was 2 I met my husband. We have been married for 12 years.

My advise is simple. Relationships are not easy. You need to look at the good and the bad and weigh them...does the good out weigh the bad? If it does, you may consider staying with your husband and perhaps try seeing a marriage counselor. My husband I have used a counselor a few times in our relationship. It really did help him to see that he was at fault for things that he could not see, and for me to see a different side.

No matter what, it is important for your husband to be in your childrens' lives. My oldest has suffered because her bio-dad was not there for her. Although my husband has been there, it is noth the same.

I hope that you work things out whether you stay with him or not. My heart goes out to you.

A.