Does anyone have any helpful hints on dealing with parents that don't reciprocate playdates? I have had a frustrating situation in my hands for about 2 years now! I am a mother of 3 and work full time overnights. My husband also works full time. We had a family move in across the street with 2 girls the same age as our middle and youngest kids. The mom across the street is a stay at hone mom and the dad works full time. At first we were happy and all was well. Then about the summer of 2011 things changed. The girls started showing up at our house daily and with no parent in site. They would not call to check if it was ok with us or come by. When we did let them in there were several occasions were they were over for 12 hours at a time without a parent checking in at all. We wondered it they even knew where they were. We were feeding them meals and snacks frequently. When we would see the parents there was no thank you or even any acknowledgement for all the times we have had them over for hours on end. It was like nothing ever happened! The older girl is well behaved but the younger one is as bratty as they come! She makes a big mess everytime she comes over and has even broken things. She is also obsessive about our cat and small dog. They are both very picky and about food and drink! When we tell them it us time to go home they argue or suddenly become deaf. We had had to physically Remove them from our house on numerous occasions. They also invite themselves to go places with us. When we have had to say no we have all 3 girls in tears and feel like the bad guy! Also if don't lock our doors they will walk right in our house. They also watch out the window for us to come home and then are on top if us the second we get home. We have had them show up on holidays and at family gatherings when we were hosting out if town company. There were many extra vehicles parked at our house so it not like the parents didn't know we had company. They also showed up at our sons b'day party we were having in the backyard last summer even though they weren't invited. The girls tell us their mom doesn't like having company because she doesn't want the house getting messed up.(by the way they have a maid service and we don't) The girls also tell us another reason she doesn't like having people over is because she likes to relax and nap during the day. They have mentioned that she frequently goes to parties and stays out late. They have also told us that their mom says that our house is filthy. Did I mention that my daughter rarely goes over to there place? She isn't invited over ever! When my daughter says she wants to play with her friend and I have her ring the doorbell, all 3 girls are back at my place within 5 minutes. There have been a few times that I have said point blank, I can't have the girls over today because we have such and such going on. Then they do let her come in and play, but that is the only way it ever happens! I was raised to believe inviting yourself to someone's house is rude so I haven't done that often, it just feels wrong! I feel resentful and used! The past few days I have refused to answer the door to them and kept all the doors locked. In a way doing this makes me feel like a prisioner in my own home, but if it sends a message that is what I want. I have been at home spending quality time with my family so I am happy. It is a much needed break from the extra kids! Anyone out there had any of these issues? Any ideas on how to handle this?
Just to clarify some questions people have. First of all the girls 6&8. The family has lived across the street for 3 years and things started to go down hill when they were 4 & 6. They are in school but after school, weekends and any days off of school and they pretty much show up like clockwork. During the summers it's been a huge burden. There is never a parent looking out to see if we are letting them in or what is going on. Pretty much no parent in site like 95% off the time. I Know they do drink and don't know if it is excessively or not. Not sure if they use drugs it not. We figure they might have a drinking and/or drug problem or they are just incredibly lazy and selfish.
First of all I want to say thanks to everyone who read my post and responded with their opinions and helpful hints! I did get alot of good ideas! Well today my new found assertiveness was put to the test! We came home from our morning sports to find the girls watching out their window, waiting for us to get home as they usually do. We told them that they could come in and play with our kids but only for 2 hours. When one girl asked why only 2 hours? I replied that we have other things to do today. While they were at our house we were kind but firm. We offered them snacks and they complained and were asking for something other than what we were offering and we said take it or leave it. we gave them a 15 minute warning when it was almost time to leave
Then when I said it's time to leave they took a couple minutes gathered their stuff and left. (amazing,since it has never been that easy to get them to leave before) I thought maybe a return invitation for my daughter to go play over there might follow but it didn't. I am much happier with the new rules/ boundaries. I don't feel nearly as overburdened as I normally do when they come over. It makes a big difference and is better for everyone. I have learned that with some people strict boundaries are very necessary! I will continue this with them and any other families that seem like they are trying to take advantage.
The next time they show up, tell them they can't come in to play until they bring over one of their parents. Then smile, say "bye" and close the door.
As Dear Abby says, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. You have allowed this to happen. You have to learn how to say a firm "no" to these children.
I would take a wild stab in the dark and say that this mom is an alcoholic. She probably parties all night and sleeps all day. The girls might be taking refuge in your house. If you think that something is amiss, you should call CPS. This family might have bigger issues than bad manners.
This goes waaaaaaaay beyond play date reciprocation, past taking advantage of, and straight into neglect.
And that was BEFORE hearing that mom is asleep most of the day.
((Granted she MAY be working nights like you, from home, and using you as free childcare... Which is half taking advantage & half neglect)).
What it SOUNDS like, though, is that the girls are raising themselves. While mom is either
- Depressed
- Drunk / hungover
- High / hungover
Time to either
- JUST call CPS or
- Head over yourself next (and every time) the girls come over, to assess the situation (and then call CPS. Again. And again. EXCEPT when you find mom passedout, call the cops. COS won't ever send anyone immediately. When a parent is high/drunk/too depressed to move... One needs to phone in a 'child welfare check'. )
Until the parents either get the help they need, or the kids get placed with someone NOT you.
Or:
Just decide to raise them yourself, with extra 'breaks' since they sleep at "home", sometimes.
They are taking advantage but YOU are allowing it. Set boundaries. Just because you allow them in your home doesn't mean they stay until THEY are ready to leave. Tell them up front they will need to leave by whatever time or after an hour. Say, "We are having lunch with just the family so you need to go home to have lunch at your house." If you feel bad or think something may be going on at their house, then suck it up and deal with it, but again, that is YOUR decision. If they show up when you are entertaining, tell them you have other company and your children are not available to play right now.
If it means that much to you to see the parents, cross the street and have at it. Otherwise, set boundaries for your family and enforce them. When they show up and you don't want to be bothered, either don't answer the door or open the door and tell them that it's not a good time. When they complain about the food, tell them that this is what you're offering and they can take it or leave it.
You really don't have to extend yourself any further than you want; you have no obligation to take these children into your home. There's another way to look at it, though. Even as an adult, I've noticed that there are other adults that seem to always make their way into my space. Just when I'm ready to express some annoyance (sometimes right after)--because I'm too focused on how it makes me feel--it occurs to me that maybe these people see something that they want to be close to, for whatever reason. Maybe I showed them kindness at a time when life was looking pretty bleak. Maybe they were impressed by something that I said or did and decided to stick around and let it rub off on them. Maybe the stars aligned just right for these kids to be born at the same time as yours and then move across the street from you, so that they could have another set of parents and some playmates to help them develop into who they were meant to be.
I wonder what would happen if you were to just embrace them and treat them like your own. Teach them as you teach your own, and let your children's behaviors influence theirs. Continue to feed them--sorry, more groceries--but also give them chores to perform alongside your children. Ask them about their school days and encourage them to get their homework done. I'd almost bet everything I have that when they're old enough to appreciate you, you'll get the cards and letters and accolades, more than from your own kids.
I've heard often that children choose their parents. Well, that seems to be so even after they've come into the world.
PS. Oh, and don't worry about not being able to get a break from your kids or whether or not those parents are off the hook. Your children have YOU. Their children want you, too.
Just say no. These kids are manipulating you and you are allowing it. Stop inviting them over. Stop letting them in. Stop feeding them. Simply tell them it's not a good time for you and close the door. When they invite themselves along, tell them it's a family event, or you aren't comfortable, or not this time. If they cry, ignore it. 12 hours is NOT a playdate. You are being used. It's ok to say No mama, stop caving to the guilt.
If the mom isn't watching her own kids, I wouldn't want my child over there. Her not having your daughter over is a blessing.
Accept that it is best for those girls to visit your children at your home...for both them and your daughter. That said...leanr the words "NO" and "It's time to go home"...use them and enforce them. When they bombard you when you arrive home say "I am sorry girls but you can't come over right now" and don't let them in. If another time works, tell them so. You should also tell them point blank "Please don't just show up, that is not ok. Have your mom call us first to be sure it is a good time". Sounds like the girls are starved for affection, supervision, and "home" and you have provided that but it is ok to set limits. You could also go talk to the mom and try to get a sense of things.
It they overstay their welcome you can also call their mom and say "It's time for the girls to come home, please come get them".
Start enforcing cleaning up as they go. If the one is just out and out making a mess for the heck of it, make her pick it up or she's not allowed back.
This has been going on for two years so it won't be fixed overnight.
I can't imagine not being able to say "no" to children.
Maybe their home life is sad but it's only YOUR "problem" if you make it your problem.
Seriously, I have a little boy who hangs out at our house a LOT (without reciprocation) but he's an only kid, both his parents work long hours, and our whole family loves him.
Decide what you are willing to put up with, and stick with it.
To me this sounds like two issues: one is that you feel that the mom isn't reciprocating, even though she is better off than you, the other that having these girls over that much really impacts your family dynamics and time.
As for issue number one - I don't really understand why everyone gets so upset about the "non-reciprocators". Your relationship sounds like it was never reciprocal to begin with. When I invite someone over I do not expect that they reciprocate, I do it because 'I' would like to entertain them (or because it would be nice for my girl). I don't care of we are always at my house...as long as everyone has a good time. You have known this family for many years, it appears they to not like entertaining people at their home. They are not going to invite your kids over, so you may just as well let go of that hope and there will be less disappointment and bitterness.
Issue number two: start setting and enforcing boundaries. You are being walked all over, because you allow these two CHILDREN to walk all over you. Make rules and enforce them. Let your own child know what the rules are, so there are no tearful surprises. Set limits. You could allow the girls over on certain days and certain time of day only, let them know beforehand when they have to leave and then stick to it, even if you have to escort them to the door. There is no need to hide inside, if they come to your door and it's inconvenient, say "sorry, but not today".
Saying no is hard for many people, but you have to learn to do it. You wouldn't let your DD walk all over you, don't set a bad example by allowing these girls free reign of your house. It is not like these kids are going to crowbar your door and break into your house....you let them in. So stop letting them in at times when you don't want them around.
Good luck.
You are the adult here. When they show up, say not a good time. Please go home and close the door. It is strictly up to you, how much time they spend at your house.
Maybe they are neglected, and they know that your place is a safe place.
The mom is the one who use you, I doubt the kids do this to you deliberately. It must be the mom who told them to go to ur place, free babysitter, food and entertainment!
Talk to the mother, tell her about the visitation procedures and during lunch time tell them to go home and sleep at their own place, you need a nap. Turn off the bell during family time, lock the door and put window curtains on.
Next time they ring your doorbell, open the door and tell them to tell their mother, "I'll give your mom a call when we're ready for another play date. Don't call or come by until you hear from us." And don't feel like you're a prisoner in your own home by locking your doors - this is a method just to keep them out! If they come running out of their house when you arrive home, keep telling them the same thing as above. Sooner or later, they'll get it.
The mom is truly the one taking advantage of you, and it's rubbing off on her kids who sound like they don't get a lot of attention. My guess is that mom is depressed or an alcoholic, or maybe just a b!%ch.
Stand up for yourself. You're not their keeper.
Suggest that you take the girls back home (to make sure there is an adult at home) and the girls will be safe. Let the adult know you are not DOING play dates today, this week or perhaps the next few weeks. TWO YEARS? Something should have been done long before now. If there was NOT and adult at home AND you had the parents WORK number, call them first....if there is no response, call CPS.
You need to be direct and say that they are not allowed in your house anymore. I, being a bit sarcastic would add, that I Need to rest and relax and don't want my house messed up. If they want to play, then your kids can decide if they want to play outside together.
This is an all or nothing situation. You give them an inch and they will take a mile. They should not be allowed in your house again.
there are always extenuating circumstances (the mom might be clinically depressed, or a hoarder, or have a mad aunt stashed in a back bedroom) but this goes way beyond 'fairness.' there's rarely total reciprocity in this sort of situation, but there needs to be some sort of effort made on both sides.
you're just going to have to be firm. your house, your rules, and that means that if the girls don't leave when you tell them it's time, they may not come back for a week. if they make a mess they clean it up. if they break something, you call the mother and tell her you need it replaced. if they invite themselves over when they're not welcome, send them right the hell home again. be pleasant and very, very firm. do not allow these small girls to hold you hostage. it's not their fault that their parents are negligent, but it's not yours either. there's no way you're going to get it fixed on THEIR end, so your only (and by far the best) recourse is to take matters into your own hands.
i'd feel very resentful and used too. and that's not a fun way to feel. change it by changing the circumstances. don't fuss about why they aren't parenting, nor about snarky remarks about your house (you don't even know if that part is true.) your focus is on the girls and how they're taking over your life.
stop that now.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.
If you suspect that there is a drinking or drug problem then If I were you my kid would never go over there. You are the adult in this situation and it is up to you to set the boundaries. Decide what you are comfortable with and allow that. Answer the door and tell the girls that you are sorry but you are having family time and that you are not accepting company right now. Tell them when they can come over. It should be a rule that if you have company the neighbor kids are not allowed over. When you do allow the girls over tell them exactly how much time they will be allowed to stay and set the timer. Tell them in advance that before they leave that they have to clean up their mess. If there is any poor behavior just say, in a very cheery voice, that it is time to go home now. Thank them for stopping in and gently guide them to the door. Have a talk with your own children and explain that you need their help. Tell them that when Mommy says it is time for the neighbor girls to go you expect no fussing from your own children. If there is fussing then you won't have the neighbor girls over. Don't expect that the Mother across the street is going to have a give and take relationship. She already showed you that she is not capable of it and you probably don't want her taking care of your children because she isn't all that great at taking care of her own.
Only you hold the power to say no. They are not going to be happy, so quit waiting till you can "handle" this. There is no "best" way. There is no way forward but through your No!
If these kids grow up being able to push you around what will you do when they are 14? Won't that be fun. No, they have no boundaries. It will be BAD. Won't you love that example for your kids?
If your smallest daughter were grown and married and taken advantage of like this what would you advise her to do? She is going to follow the pattern you are setting now.
Keep the door locked or grow a backbone and tell them how you feel. Tell them if you want them over you will call them.
BOUNDARIES!!!!....why are you letting these folks invade not only your life but your privacey? tell them 1 hour..thats it-if you have company-tell them to go home..ITS YOUR HOME!!! quit feeding them-tell them NO NO NO AND NO!!! why is it so hard?..im sorry to say-but you allowed it to get out of control..take the control back NOW!!!
I see 3 direction you can go:
1) keep things the way they are
2) take the mother out for lunch and have a direct heart-to-heart with her
3) take the kids in and parent them like they are their own. Be direct with them about your house rules: call before you come over; help clean up, say please and thank you; treat you, your house, and your pets with respect; listen to you when you make requests; etc.
I suspect that the household they are in is not a good one and that mom is probably drunk or otherwise indisposed a lot. We had a boy in our neighborhood who was basically banished from his house every day, all day. He would ride his bike all over town and just make friends. When we had our son, he started hanging around a lot at our house to play. I was just very upfront with him about when it was time to leave, what was okay or not okay to do at our house. He was annoying but I had to feel very sorry for him.
I'm two hearts with this one. I see no problem when my daughter wants to go accross the street to play with her friend for a few hours. Maybe a few hours every few weeks . I watch her go over wave at the parent to make sure its ok and in she goes. Its harder to reciprocate because i have an older relative that lives with us and she sleep in the day time. I have though had the girl over here and there. Things arent planned the girl will come over and see if my daughter can play and my daughter will go over there and play.I think alot of things are way to planned. That being said I had a situation where a friend of hers suddenly bceame my responsiblity to ake home every time I picked my daughter from school and it became a burden. What if I didnt want to go straight home after picking up the kid? I think the other mom just doenst get its to much and you havent said anything to deter it. So you are both to blame. If they come over and you dont mind them playing say ok but only for so many hours or minutes. Then tell them ok its time for you to leave now.When I was a kid we ran the streets adn usually ended up at our friends house . Different world maybe the mom is lost in the old world were we use to run the streets
I think it is terrible rude but it sounds like it's very complicated.
My husband had terrible parents. Rather has them... they aren't dead. I've heard about his childhood and I see their behavior now and still pry can't really imagine how it was for him. His Dad is a drunk but a functioning one and abusive as well. Mom is always depressed and takes several naps a day to get through her life that she hates. Anything that causes either of them any hardship they'd rather get rid of. Even their children. Anyways, when my husband was little when his father left for work he'd tell him to get out of the house. This started at about age 4. His father didn't want him bothering his mother. If he did come home and bother her my husband would get beat by his father as soon as he got home. She knew he would get beat by him but she'd still tell him that he had the audacity to come home! He basically spent most of his time outside just wondering the streets. There was this wonderful neighbor who figured out my husband situation as a child and welcomed him into her home. She'd even feed him because quite frankly if he went home to eat he'd pry bother mom and he'd get beat. We still see this lady but now she's quite elderly. She still is so sweet and loving and my husband speaks of nothing but what a wonderful woman she was. Indicates she was basically his savior. Had it not been for her he would have just wondered around and not had anything but breakfast and dinner. No water even. No shelter. Not to mention he got love and a motherly figure.
It sounds like my husband situation might not be far off from these girls. Sure they pry aren't getting beat but I'd guess mom would rather they get the hell out and leave her alone so she can nap and not mess up her house. Maybe alcohol is involved too? Who knows but regardless if you turn these girls away all that is going to happen is they are going to find somewhere else to go when they get the hint and they'll haunt them instead. I'm sure this mom is taking full advantage of unloading kids on you she has no desire to take care of. I know for a good mom this is impossible to imagine. I can't imagine how my husbands mother is because it's foreign to me. My mom was always a helicopter and so caring towards us. His mom still isn't. This mom sounds no different. Her kids are pry just accessories that she wishes she could pry just hang up in her closet like her coats and leave her alone.
I'd bet good money that if you start turning these kids away once they get the hint they'll just move onto another house. I doubt they can really be at home. You could complain at this mom but I'd guess she couldn't care less. Like you said she's a selfish person and she has no problem using you to get her means to an end. That is getting her kids completely out of her hair.
Just to clarify - this is always the kids and no parents involved? You are not their parents, you owe them nothing. Keep the doors locked and don't answer when it's them. But you can tell them nicely when they show up - it's family time, sorry. Then show them the door. Let the parents know what they are doing. If they are so hands off, maybe the parents don't have a clue about this. And if they show up and won't leave, contact the parents and ask them to come get their children. If you can't find the parents, and they aren't at home, you can always call the police non-emergency line and let them know that the children showed up at your home and there is no one to care for them. If the parents are doing that on purpose, they need a good kick in the pants. Good luck!
I would definitely confront the parents before anything else. The next time the girls show up, walk them back over and speak to them. Tell them that you enjoy that the kids get along and play, but this has gotten way out of control. Tell them that you only budget groceries for your family and if they want you to feed their children, you will need to be paid. Period. Also, when they are at your house, it is your house and they should follow your house rules. Or they can go home.
By going over yourself, you will be able to identify if there is a problem where CPS needs to be involved. You will not get any results by calling if you are only going on speculation.
I have not had this issue myself, but I would say these are more than playdates - you are being taken advantage of, plain and simple. You didn't mention how old the girls are, but are any of them at an age where they are expected to be in school during the day? If you work nights, aren't you expected to be able to get some sleep during the day?
Personally, if the kids (or their clueless mom) don't get the hint from you being "too busy" and/or "not being home/available" (i.e. not answering the door) after a certain length of time, I would tell the other mom point blank that your rest during the day is very important to you and you just can't have the girls over for play dates. If they invite themselves over, or along for an outing, without an invite from you, they will be sent back home - don't worry about their tears, they need to learn boundaries and manners somehow, since obviously their own mother isn't going to teach them.
Remember, sometimes we choose how others treat us - just don't allow it any longer.
I think you are handling this the right way. When you don't want them over, just say so, whether it be by not answering the door or verbally telling them, "Not today".
My daughter used to have friends that visited and she visited them. They moved and now the kids that live around here, either the father creeps me out or the mother won't let the kids play. Maybe I creep her out. Who knows, but the little girl does look out the window and knows when my truck pulls up. She stands in the window and waves at my daughter. They talk with hand signals through the window, not quite ASL.
The family where the father creeps me out, my daughter plays over there, but her father will not allow her to play at our house because we have a big dog. I only allow my daughter to play over there if I am with her, in which they are kind enough to invite me in.
It is unfortunate that it isn't working out, but it must work out for all of you. My grandmothers house was the revolving door for all of our friends and they all called her grandma. She fed them as well. My nephew also has those friends who walk in and they call me Auntie.
Kids can be special or a pain. Maybe you can limit it to certain days and let them all know when that is.
Our neighborhood had this as a problem. One mom finally went to the offender and said "I love having your kids over, but I just can't afford to keep taking care of them. If you would like me to watch them for you, my rate is $5 per hour per kid. Please send the money with them when they come over, or I am going to have to send them back home."
Kids rarely came over after that.
Put a sign on your door that says "NO VISITORS AT ANY TIME."
I would never, accommodate people or kids, like that.
If those other kids never seem to be supervised by their own parents, call the cops. They could be lost. And obviously they are being neglected.
Or call CPS.
12 hours... and no parent ever calls to check up on them or to bring them home. That is, ridiculous. You said this has happened SEVERAL times.
Call authorities.
We all know that it takes a village to raise a child, and we’re (mostly) happy to help out our fellow parents on occasion, with the understanding that they’ll return the favor when we need help. But what happens when your friend, sister, neighbor or fellow elementary school mom starts taking advantage of your good nature, dropping off her kids at your house while she runs errands, goes to the gym or gets a manicure? (I know. It’s SO INFURIATING!)
Explain your feelings. Perhaps she doesn’t realize that she’s taking advantage of you. She may think that as a stay-at-home-mom, you’re “home anyway,” but not realize that you have stuff to do - and watching her adorable little munchkins distracts you from your busy agenda. (Or she may think that since “you have a babysitter anyway,” she can drop off her kids and your sitter will watch them for free.)
Offer a “kid swap” - You scratch her back, she should scratch yours. Propose a kid swap where, say, you take turns watching each others’ kids every Wednesday afternoon.
Offer a solution. Give her the name of a reliable babysitting service and suggest she hire someone to watch her children, as your schedule won’t permit you to continue to do so.
Have an excuse ready. If she still doesn’t get the hint, have an excuse ready when her kids show up at your doorstep. “Gee, I’d love to have you stay here today, but I have to run errands/paint my attic/reorganize my closet and I just won’t be able to do it today. Sorry.” And shut the door!
I think it is appropriate to accept reciprocation in this case. The kids eat your snacks and dirty your home--the other mom needs to have her time to provide snacks and housekeep while YOU nap!
There really isn't much you can do other than keep your door locked and tell the kids they can play outside, but no one is playing in the house today. When it comes time for a meal, tell them it's time for them to leave and then keep moving them towards the door. I would not continue to feed them meals nor would I EVER allow a friend to stay for 12 hours! After 2 hours, I tell friends it's time to go - either they all go outside to play or the friend goes home, but 2 hours at a time is my limit (unless they are staying overnight, of course!).
