Play Date Drama - Arlington Heights,IL

I handle play dates this way with a prediscussed plan with the other parent that if things are not going well for either child the play date is then over. Since choosing this method I find my play dates more behaved, my child very accommodating to their guest. So are they young, yes. To early to learn goos manners, no. I expect other parents to call me I'd things aren't going well when its at their house. By doing this a standard of behavior on both sides is expected and other parents know I'm good if they call out my child for behavior and that they can know that I will do the same. Back to neighborhood parenting. Where everyone has everyone's backs on bringing up kids and kids are less likely to think just because their Mom and Dad aren't in sight that no one is watching.

How about not planning specific activities and just having kids get together and decide on the fly what to play?
My mom never scheduled a play date for me - I went outside and all the other kids in the neighborhood were outside, and we all congregated and decided what we wanted to do on the spot.

She will mature and I really don't think you have anything to worry about although you could try to set expectations before the play date. You could also role play. (Pretend to be her friend that wants to play inside vs. outside)

One thing I have done with my kids... Some times I think they just need to be told to knock off a certain behavior. I would not spend time explaining friendships and taking turns or being a gracious host etc. when she is pouting. If she were my daughter, I would tell her to stop acting like that and to get back out there and play with her friend.

Before the play date, you need to talk about managing expectations. Remind her that her friends might want to play something different than what she planned, and encourage her not to plan too much in the first place. I think it's always harder to be the host than the guest because you have to share your toys and you feel like you should be more in charge.

Get the book Ladybug Girl and the Bug Squad (our library had it). It's a good book about a girl who has everything planned out for her play date but not everything goes exactly the way she expects it to.

How about going to a playground instead of your house. That way it's someplace new to both kids and they can't have preconceived ideas about what is going to occur during the time together.

First and foremost -- your younger daughter needs to be otherwise occupied. That will help a lot for the short term. Schedule a play date for her at another family's house and then have a playdate for your older child at the same time at your own house. It can also work to have two playdates at once at your own house-- younger girl has a friend over, older one has a friend over -- but frankly I think that's going to end up even worse, with your daughter's friend playing with BOTH the other girls while your daughter cries on her own. I'd really make an effort to get younger sister out of the house, or to have a play date while younger sister is at another activity. If your husband or significant other can help by just taking younger sis out and away during big sister's play dates, that would be good too.

Both your girls are just a bit too young, to me, to navigate this kind of thing emotionally yet with anything more than upsets; your older child needs to build up her playdate skills first without the added stress of her guests having an instant, different play mate available. Nobody's at fault here -- it's just the way things are, and in a few years the older girls are not going to end up with the friend off choosing to play with younger sister, but at their current ages, there isn't enough difference between the older guest and your younger child for that to kick in yet.

Your daughter does not intentionally mean to be bossy or mean to her friends, so please take care that in your own mind you're not labeling her that way or over-thinking it as "Oh, no, she's going to be bossy forever and never have a friend." Step back for a moment and think about how she's just now getting started on the K playdate thing and doesn't quite get that not all kids whom she likes also want to play what she wants to play. That's a normal thing and does not mean she is going to turn into a bossy queen bee; she's just being five and at five, kids want to control things around them.

It could help to role-play with her before a play date: "What do you think you will suggest that you and Sally play?" "What if Sally says she would not like to play X but she wants to go outside to do Y instead?" Have her anticipate it a bit. She will likely forget, in the heat of the moment, that you talked about it but you can try, "Remember how we talked about what to say when our guest says I want to do Y?"

Then have a plan in place with your daughter: The girls will do Y for a while then will move to X. Use a timer for sure! That puts the timer in charge, not you, and often, young kids will respond better to a mechanical device telling them time is up than they do to an adult, with whom they can plead or argue.

You may need to take more of an active role in playdates than you may think, temporarily; if you tend to tell the girls, "Go play," that can be overwhelming for a young kid and can lead to the tensions you describe; try asking them both at the start what they plan to do; let them hash it out in front of you but only very briefly; then say, "How about X minutes of Sally's idea and then Y minutes of Daughter's idea" and use the timer. If they agree right away there is no need for all this, of course, but keep an ear out for problems.

Always, always have your own alternative plan and activity ready to go. It can break the tension if you are able to announce cheerily when you see trouble brewing, "Hey, girls, I have cookie mix made up here -- do you two want to put it on the cookie sheets for me and in 10 minutes we'll have cookies!" Or have a small craft ready to go --the supplies right there at hand so you don't spend time digging them out: "Girls, I have these pretty beads right here -- if you would like to take a break to make bracelets, do you want to do it now or later?" Your daughter may still fuss if she sees you as invading her play date; only you know whether these interruptions to break tension will work with her or not, but I found they worked well to save play dates that were getting tense or dull.

Try sympathizing with her feelings instead of trying to convince her she's "wrong." She feels that her friend doesn't like her. That is her reality. Spend just a few minutes with her being sympathetic before cheerfully saying something like "lets go find something else to play. Suggest to both of them an alternative plan. Keep the interchange with her brief with focus on validating how she feels and not trying to talk her out of feeling that way. She feels this way. Now it's time to move on and find something else to play.

Then talk with her at another time about what it means when a friend wants to play something else. Before the play date help your daughter to think of several things to play and how you'll decide together with the friend what to play. Role play what this would look like.

I think that is very common with little girls. I remember .my girls would do this, plan the day down to every detail and they were so surprised when their friend didn't want to do what they planned. I told them that friends take turns deciding what to do. If they cannot figure that out then they wont have very many friends. Try your best to just tell your daughter when its time for her friend to choose and then stay out of it. They will figure it out. Really, other children will just choose not to play with her, just as they are now by playing with your other child. Leave them be and tell her that is what happens when you can't cooperate. She will quickly figure it out.

The play dates that are at "her" house, is "her" house.
Hence, she is wanting to, determine what goes on, in "her" house and per her play dates. But alas, life is not like that, right?
So she is having a hard time, dealing with the social aspects of it and that she cannot, "control" what the play date is or what they do every step of the way.
Some kids, are a bit territorial or controlling, when it comes to "their" house.
But she is 5 now, and though this commonly occurs in toddlers, she still feels a bit that way.
So she is having life lessons, about it all, socially.
At least she does not act this way at other people's homes, or at school.

Teach her the word "compromise." I taught my daughter that at 2 years old, and she loved that word.
And "taking turns."
And that, everyone is different. Everyone can do, other things.
Teach her that being "bossy" is not real pleasant.
And to use her words. Teach her, how to say things. Nicely. Not just react.
She CAN "manage" things, too. By compromising and taking turns.
And in her home she has a sibling. So she has to deal with that. Because now and in the future, when/if she has play dates at her home, there will always be her sibling there. It just is.
I have a 2 kids home. I have play dates all the time for my kids. And they roll with it just fine, even if someone is playing with the other sibling.

Your daughter, is young. She still needs to mature.
Maturity is not only per age. A kid's "emotions" and their numeric age, does not develop in tandem all at the same time.
Teach her how to be a "Host." How to have "guests."
Teach her that. As well.
Just because it is "her" house and play date, that does not mean, that she determines everything.
And maybe, do not have play dates at your house for now.
Practice and role play things/scenarios with her.
5 is young. They are NOT rocket scientists at this age per socials yet.
I see this all the time, at the elementary school where I work.
Even at school, some kids are like that. Everyday, some of the young ones "complain" to me that "Sally doesn't want to sit by me... she wants to sit by Jessica. Tell her she has to sit by me!" type thing. Or they complain with things like "I want to play tag, but she doesn't want to, tell her she has to....she's not nice!" type things.
Drama.
At all ages and grades, this can happen! I see it myself at the school I work at.
Not only at 5 years old.
This kind of thing also happens in 5th grade too. For example.
And it is mostly because, one person decides on things, and they get miffed when the other or others, do not want to do that same thing.
Or when they rather play with someone else or do something else.
So... start now, teaching and guiding your daughter, about choices, and how to self-manage.

Not all kids are this way, however.
And it is not, gender related either.
I see boys who act this way too.
So take heart.
But teach your daughter... about life situations. And how to cope.

We try to teach the kids that they need to do what the guest wants to do during the whole playdate at our house. Most of the time, our kids can still suggest activities, but then the guest gets to choose. I also make sure they have a balance of outside time and inside time, so my active sporty guy gets some time to do outside stuff. We also allow little brother to play for most of the playdate, but he understand that they might want some alone time for a little bit of the playdate too. So, usually the girls get 30 min or so to themselves and I keep little bro busy. I would cut back on hosting and do one every few weeks so she can practice, but isn't overwhelmed. Limit the time of the playdate too. Start with just a couple hours. If you set the activity ahead of time, making cookies, or doing a craft together, then everyone should be happy together.

help her set expectations before hand. When she asks about having soeone over remind her of the previous issues. Ask her waht we can do to avoid that problem next time. If she dosn't come up with ideas offer her some "you can suggest 3 different things to do - inside, outside, etc. r

Remind her before, during and after what could happen if the playdate wants to play something else. Again - ask he waht she'll do if that happens. make some suggestions about ways she can handle it - both good and bad ways and she which she picks. Tell her you know that it's no easy when you want to ride bikes and your friend wants to play barbie - but remind her that she can do it and handle it well. Encourage her - set up positive expectations ahead of time ("I know you can handle this well, you're getting to be such a grown up girl, i'm so proud of you when you act mature, especially when it's not easy, etc." ) Encourage her before, during & after.

Kids don't know how to handle social situations - they're still riding their social bikes on training wheels. The other kid was probably completely unfazed - they're 5 - heck they were probably crying on the way to school in the morning... once she gets a little instructions, understands about give & take, etc - she'll figure it out.

I think you need to talk to her before her friends come over about what to expect. You already know she is planning things and she needs to understand that things don't always go as planned and sometimes you just have to go with it and have fun.

The other thing you might do is allow her to plan the day and put away the other toys. The visiting child sees these new and different toys and they just want to check them out.

Sounds like she's just having some trouble with social graces, especially when her own parent is around...that's why she's fine at their house but not at yours. It could also be that she goes along with the others at their house so she expects them to go along with her at her house. Or it could be that they do what she wants when she comes over so she's getting her way.

I would suggest that you maybe find out what your daughter wants to do before you invite the child over that way you can ask if "Suzy wants to come over to ride bikes". You can also tell your daughter that they need to take turns at doing what they each want.

Make a list of possible things to do, some in some out. Make sure your dd is prepared to do any or all of them equally. Let the friend pick what they want to do. If your dd pouts or gets upset, let her know that there won't be more playdates for a specific period of time.

The other thing you could do is tell the friend coming over " do you want to come ride bikes"? That way you are set to do a specific thing,

Get her in a social skills group at the local occupational therapy center near u. And call the social worker at school and ask her to help!

when she is planning out maybe she could call the friend on the phone a hour or so before and ask if she wants to play barbies or little ponies, bikes or sidewalk chalk, and see if that helps them both.

Is the friend being at all flexible like playing bikes for 3 mins before going in to play w toys?

tough one

Ease off on hosting the play dates (she can go to a few if she's invited).
She doesn't need them as much as you think she does.
I tend to think of this of the kid who wants to play board games but then has a major fit when they don't win.
She just needs some maturity and she hasn't got it yet.
Try again sometime next year.

This is really normal behavior. My eldest daughter is 13 years old and she's still very much like your daughter and always has been regarding having friends over. She has it in her head that when you're at someone else's house, you play by their rules even if you don't want to but when you're at your house then your friends ought to do whatever you want and they shouldn't ever play with your siblings.

In our case, part of it is sibling rivalry. My daughter wants her sisters To Be Gone during "hang out time" or during parties because she thinks they interfere in her ability to spend time with her friends. She wants all attention on her and what she wants. The thing is, my other daughters are pretty neat little people too and they're friendly and sweet. And the girls my eldest daughter chooses are pretty neat people and THEY are friendly and sweet. Those girls sometimes bring their little sisters over because they're already friends with my youngers at school and I extend an invitation to help occupy my youngers.

When my eldest goes to her room to have her little hissy fit, I let her. She feels how she feels. The fact is that your daughter is going to the right place to have her hissy fit. She's not doing it in front of her friends. She's letting off the steam of disappointment and anger in her safe place... her room... away from others. And honestly? Her feelings are her feelings and they're appropriate. She has a right to be disappointed.

I would go to her after a few minutes, and validate her feelings. Then I would suggest that she come back and find something new to do. Before a play date starts, encourage her to think of several possible things to do and include in the "plans" some time for her friend/s to choose an activity. That may need to be built into her play date routine and plans. You might also need a plan to have your youngers occupied so that your daughter doesn't feel infringed upon. She's trying to make friends, and she should be allowed time to bond with them without worrying that she'll lose them to her own sibling. Sharing friends is tough at this age, especially when the bonds of friendship aren't strong yet.

The rule at our house is that the guest gets to choose the activity. So, unless they invited a friend over specifically to ride bikes, then the guest gets to choose. No issue. If she invites her friend specifically to ride bikes, then I might remind the guest that they are here to ride bikes, so they should ride bikes.

ETA: If you hear the kids arguing about what activity they would like to do, it is a good time to step in and give them an activity to do. Sometimes when my boys have a group of friends over to play and they start arguing about what to do I will hand them each a rake and tell them to rake the yard, or a shovel to shovel the driveway etc...

I take it she never had friends over to play before she started K? It's true that some kids can be more bossy/less flexible on their own turf (which is probably why she does fine at other kids' houses.) I would talk to her BEFORE the next play date, lay out what you expect and maybe do a little role playing and then let her go for it. Try to stay out of it as much as you can (unless things escalate of course.) If the play date doesn't go well talk about it after and ask her lots of questions, why are you sad? what could you have done differently? etc. She just needs some time and practice, social skills don't come easily for everyone!

Hugs, playdates are supposed to mean that you get some time to yourself because your kid has someone to entertain them, and it makes you question if it's worth it when you have to intervene so much. But this is really normal with preschool/kindy aged playdates. It happened when when my kids were little too, I think more with my daughter, maybe boys are more easygoing about that kind of stuff.

We think that kids know how to be good friends, but really we have to teach them. Your daughter gets a picture in her mind about how the playdate is supposed to go and is then surprised/devastated when her friend does not have the same vision. She is just on the cusp of the age where they really start to understand that other people exist the same way that they do, and are not just accessories in her own life. She views the friend pretty much as a toy. My suggestion is to talk to her, not during the playdate, but beforehand, about what a playdate really is, about being a good host which means letting the other person choose, about taking turns with who picks the activity, that her friend is coming over so that the friend can have a good time not for your daughter's entertainment, how people do not like to be bossed around, etc.

I think sometimes as parents we assume that they automatically know these basic social skills, but really we have to spell it out for them and teach them about friendship and hosting. But some of it is a developmental milestone, understand the other person's perspective, which she has not quite achieved yet.

Read her the book Ladybug Girl and the Bug Squad. It deals with this exact same issue. Lulu has the play date all planned out in her head but it doesn't go the way she wants it to. It would be a great way to approach talking to your daughter about expectations, reality, and how to problem solve.

Stop giving her attention when she throws a fit and runs off. Let her run away to her room crying and then let her come down when she's done. In the meantime, friend can play with your younger child, so they're not sitting alone, bored, and abandoned. When she does come back down, occupy your younger child so that the friend is available to play with her again. Then, suggest some options to play that aren't what your daughter had planned and aren't what the other child suggested either.

Maybe she needs to have fewer organized activities & play dates. Some kids react to the "schedule" by thinking that all activities, toys, games etc. need to be scheduled. Sometimes it's personality, sometimes it's a reaction to school where they have reading time, circle time, art time, music time, etc. - she may be thinking a combination of "this is MY time (and not my sister's)" and "it's dollhouse time and not bike time."

Maybe both kids would do better with casual, in-the-neighborhood play time where you go outside, talk a walk, ride bikes, etc. and see who else in the neighborhood is around, and then invite that kid over to play in your yard or driveway.

It's way too soon to worry about her never having a friend. She may just be socially immature and not ready for this stuff now.

The other thing you might try is working on manners - in every way. Say thank you, and please, and you're welcome. But the GUEST is the GUEST and gets to decide what to do and what would be fun. If there are toys that are "off limits" then those go in the closet and are not offered for play. Otherwise, the guest child is offered an array of activities and gets to make the choice. That's something your daughter understands if she is a good guest in other people's homes. Her "job" as hostess is to make sure that the friend has the most awesome time ever, and not to decide what is to happen or what is to be played with.

Take a break from the play dates anyway, and let your daughter really miss them (if she does). She may not be ready for this right now - I'm sure she's more advanced in other areas, and this is just not her forte yet. Other kids are better at this now, and not as good as your daughter in some other area.

Teach her that she doesn't get to say to a guest's face that "you're mean" and if she needs to go to her room to calm down, that's her business, but you and your other daughter will be left to make sure the guest is having fun. But leaving the guest is not good manners, so you are suspending play dates for a while until she can grow to enjoy them. If she can't go to other kids' houses because she can't reciprocate, then those play dates can be held off on for a while. Otherwise, when she runs off, she gets IGNORED by you and the guest and the sister. No rewards for tantrums - no long conversations, no attention, just go to your room to calm down and come back when you want to play.

Whatever you decide, you have to break the pattern of behavior she's engaged in for the last 3 play dates. She's getting some sort of pay off for her behavior which is why she is still engaging in it. It has to not be rewarded even with scolding.