Party Child Doesn't Want to Go To

You daughter sounds level headed and if she doesn't like the MAIN attraction movie and food and can't even enjoy the food due to allergies.. well, I don't think she should go.... Also, can you explain to the M. pointblank (leave no room for discussion) my D isn't going to attend due to being a little weary of the food choices and possibly bringing on an allergic attack.. which actually, for a kid, let alone adult can be a big fear..
As for the other situation.... save that for a different time. .first tell her about the party... she may take offense and think the two are related when in fact they are not....
cross one bridge at a time...

RSVP that you (your daughter) will not be attending the party.
Just because you are invited does not mean that you must accept the invitation. You don't have to have a reason.

Since they are good friends I would explain to the M. that she has a hard time with movie theatres. Tell her she doesn't like the loud noise and the bright lights. Just be honest. You don't want her to think they did something wrong or don't like her. Tell her you will bring her by when they get home. Let her know that she has food allergies since that would be helpful in the future if she ever eats at their house and tell her she has a special diet. See what she says. Just be honest.

You are not responsible for how the child's Mother reacts to your daughters inability to attend the party. What kind of fun would it be to have a child at the party who is being made sick by the movie and then can't eat any of the food that is being served? If the M. makes an issue out of it , it is your turn to step up and be an advocate for your child...it was not an activity that your daughter could participate in.
As far as the playdates...that is a tough one...are the kids within walking distance and just showing up on your doorstep? Or is the M. driving them to your house and dropping them off? Set some ground rules..it is after all YOUR house!! Be suddenly "unavailable" or tell her that you will be leaving the house at such and such a time and the child ( children ) can only stay until xyz . People only take advantage of you if you allow it.

There is no good purpose served by forcing your daughter to endure a movie that causes her physical pain and a dinner that makes her sick.

Just RSVP, "Sorry, we can't make it" - no further explanation necesary.

ok the girls, you say, will be fine with it. the mother (the adult) is the one who will pout. so can she not understand that your kids will have issues and just wouldn't have fun? does she know about the allergies and the dislike of loud noises and lights? forget about it. do your thing. don't make the girls feel bad over the adults' issues.

What if you do something else while the party is going on, then arrive afterwards to do a quick visit and drop off the gift. Then your daughter sees everyone, you don't have to explain everything and you can avoid all of these other haunting issues. Just say that you are double booked but you will catch up at the tail end and not to save any food.Or in reverse.
As far as 'babysitting' goes, I remember those kinds of situations and they really are difficult to deal with. So unfortunately you might have to establish the rules in advance next time: like I won't be able to watch Buffy and spoofy because I am still working on my novel.

Why not treat the daughter to a special lunch or dinner with your girls to celebrate her birthday?? You could even include the M. if you want.

Does your daughter want to go anyway? If it were me, I would let me daughter decide. You don't owe the M. an explanation, though your daughter would most likely tell her friend why she didn't want to go. If your daughter does want to go, make the best of it. Call the restaurant and find SOMETHING your daughter can eat. The birthday party is about what the birthday girl wants, not what every individual guest wants!! If it's not something your daughter wants to/can participate in, that's okay.

I have a good friend whose family eats gluten-free, and my daughter wanted a chef's party (homemade pizza, cupcakes, etc.). With 10 kids between the ages of 2 and 8, I couldn't make a separate gluten-free pizza and another batch of gluten-free cupcakes. I was sad that I couldn't include her boy, but it just wasn't practical. If your daughter has certain sensitivities, she will miss out on some activities. The best thing you can do is to teach her that it's not all about her, and that she can have a good attitude and do other things. If you focus on that, you'll raise a woman of great character!!! :)

You've already gotten many good suggestions about this particular party, but I wanted to comment on the restaurant... Without knowing how severe your daughter's allergies are, I am surprised that she has to skip an entire restaurant. Unless this is a chain, most places are very accommodating of special diets and are willing to tweak their menu items in many ways. The only reason that I mention it is because we're trying to teach our children that they can do things that they want to do while working with their limitations - in this case, go to the restaurant, see if they can accommodate her special diet (if not, bring along something to eat) and enjoy the company of all the girlfriends...

Your last paragraph makes me think there is more to this story. If you feel it's best to not send your child, so be it. I would have a discussion with your daughter about going to the party because this is her friend's birthday celebration. Sometimes we do things for friends because they are our friends. You may very well offend this mother. I can't tell if her feelings would be valid or because we mothers often take things personally when it's our child. Like I said I get the feeling there is more to the story.

I would just tell them that your daughter would love to come celebrate at the restauraunt but she doesn't do well with movies. GL!
M

Absolutely not! Your child's comfort and safety are most important. My son, who is Autistic, couldn't sit through a movie until just recently (he's 18 now). The loudness and huge screen with constant activity were sensory overloads for him. Simply decline the invitation, giving your reason if you think it's necessary. We had to keep our son away from fireworks, busy times at the store and any other location that overloaded his capability to think and remain calm.

I wouldn't be offended about not eating at a paticular restaurant either, especially if you won't be there to oversee her choices. Allergies or reactions to certain foods can't be taken lightly and it's your job as M. to keep her safe.

Don't let what other people think guide your decision in either of these matters. You know your daughter best and what's best for her. An invitation is just that...it's not a "demand your presence". You do have a choice.

Maybe next time your daughter has a special occasion she could invite her friend(s) to something she can tolerate and enjoy...thus getting the interaction and playtime with her friends on non-threatening ground.

Good luck and blessings,
W.