Parents Say I'm Favoring My Daughter in Class

Quite frankly... even if you WERE coaching her 8 hours a day at home... there would be nothing wrong with that, and it's NONE of their business.

To avoid the appearance of favoritism IN CLASS... just ask the other coach that you never work 1:1 with your daughter, because you're being accused of favoritism. That way, when parents complain, you can simply and truly say that you don't work with your daughter in class at all.

What you (and they) do outside of class hours is your own business.

So if I help my kids with their English essay at home then I am giving them an unfair advantage over other students? What about catching for my softball pitcher or getting her private lessons? It doesn't matter if your ARE working with your daughter on the side, if she wants to put in the time then more power to her.

I don't understand how you could "favor" a child into success. She is good, works hard and is getting positive results. I would tell those parents to take a hike and tell you daughter to ignore the comments. When your at the top people love to try to knock you down. Sad lesson for a little girl but it's the truth.

How ridiculous! Even if you WERE helping your child at home, tough sh*t! This sounds a bit like the 'everyone gets a trophy' mentality. Some people are born with God-given talents and they just excel without putting an inordinate amount of effort into it. Sounds like your daughter is one of those people. I like Riley's advice below.

even if you did help coach your daughter at home what difference does that make in the gym??? That's like someone saying your sons only better at pitching because you coach him from home. Damn straight I do! Although you dont because gymnastics is hard to do in the house, I have two rambunctious little ones who like to flip all over the couches and can't imagine what that would look like when they get bigger :) You will get the jelousy regardless of what you do, if you coach or not. Just blow them off and continue to do what you do and be your daughters biggest supporter and fan!

Your daughter shouldn't feel bad that she is good. If the other girls are accusing her of doing outside of the house just have her tell them that maybe if they tried it too they would be better. I know that a snarky answer like that isnt the answer but I had to say it. Dont ever let your daughter feel bad about being good at something and she needs to learn that with the good comes the bad (jelousy)

Why would it matter, or even be their concern, if you were coaching your daughter at home? She is your daughter, isn't that what parents do?

Anyway about the only thing I can think of is give them a skills chart with this must be mastered before this can be tried. Lay it all out there, this is what you guys can strive to do. If *they* choose to goof and not work on skills that is on them. If they go to you and say I want to do this skill and they aren't ready you can point to the chart and say you haven't mastered this skill. These are not little kids, they are old enough to direct some of their training. Just do everything to be able to prove it is all on them.

Invite these complaining parents to 'come and observe'. Keep an open door policy at all times. Sounds like their noses are getting bent out of shape for all the wrong reasons. Your daughter has talent. That's NOT your problem. SHE is doing the work, she has the ability...

What is sad is they are not teaching their kids 'well, if you want to do what she's doing, you will need to practice more' and to accept their own strengths and limitations. All through life, there will always be someone who is more gifted, talented, able, faster, stronger, better than we are in something we aspire to. It's better to teach our kids to focus on their own goals and personal bests than to lower oneself and quibble about 'advantages' that someone else has. It doesn't help the situation at all, and teaches their kids instead to look elsewhere for excuses and to blame others instead of being responsible for their own progress.

It would be different if you were working primarily with your kid, but if you have your other coaches backing you up, it sounds like you are being fair and these parents need to work on teaching their kids about the realities of life. It's not always 'fair', we are still required to do our best-- and don't make excuses. If they feel it's that bad, I'm sure there are other gymnastics programs available elsewhere.

Honestly, who cares what those jerks say? Even if you were coaching your daughter at home, so what? That's completely your prerogative. It would be one thing if you were giving her inordinate time during the class that they are paying for, but what you do when you are not in class is none of their business. Seriously, that is like telling an elementary school teacher that she can't help her own child do his homework because it's giving that student an unfair advantage. Ridiculous.

Personally, I think you should let your boss handle this. The upset parents aren't going to take your word for it that you're not favoring your daughter.

I know this isn't really helpful, but really your daughter needs to learn to just shrug it off. If you are lucky, she is going to be at a higher level than other children in many different areas throughout her life. She will need to learn how to deal with jealousy gracefully without feeling the need to apologize for being good at something.

Guess what? My husband coaches my boys soccer teams. They practice ALL THE TIME at home. They are both naturally good, but the extra running around and kicking the ball sure helps.
Ignore those dumb parents. You are absolutely allowed to work with your child outside of class. TONS of parents do! Practice makes perfect.
L.

You are just helping out as a "Coach."
BUT there is a formal "Coach" coach, in charge of things, right?
So why don't you speak to the Coach, about it.

In any sport, "sportsmanship" is taught, and per attitude etc.
Do they teach these things to the students?

The thing is, you can't control other people's attitudes, and it seems the parents as well as those jealous girls, are complaining and resenting you and your daughter. BUT, they are causing hurt feelings, especially to your daughter.

You can explain until your face is blue... that you do NOT do any practicing at home nor do you even have equipment at home and that you do not even have a big enough home/yard to practice. But the other "jealous" parents/kids, will still think ill of you and your daughter.
AND they have bad attitudes about it, and they now do not even listen to the Coach, either. That is THEIR problem.
They have, bad attitudes. And they are using you and your daughter, as an excuse... for why they do not get better.

Bottom line is, you speak to the formal Head Coach, and being that all the other Coaches back you up... wouldn't it be common sense, that they have a meeting with the group, and without naming names... TEACH THE GIRLS ABOUT SPORTSMANSHIP and attitude???
Because, like anything, it is the Attitude and work Ethic, of a person, that gets them ahead or not.
Kids need to be taught that. It applies to sports/teams as well as academics.

Don't get into it with the other Moms/their kids... because, they will just twist things around and still blame you. And your daughter.
They have stinky attitudes and are, jealous.

And besides, just because a child has a parent that is a Coach... that does NOT mean, that the child will be talented in that sport.

The Coach needs to coach.. which means, ALSO teaching the girls about sportsmanship/ethics/hard work/and attitude.
Even with Professional Athletes... if they have stinky attitudes on the field, they are reprimanded.

That's ridiculous! Even if you DID coach her at home, so what?? If they want their kids to get better and succeed then maybe they should start practicing with their kids more.

Not very nice that they cant just say nice things. Some people just cant help themselves.

As for your daughter, keep encouraging her to be awesome, and let the rude comments roll of your backs. I would just let it go and not pay them any mind, they are ALL jealous.

Unfortunately, because you are A gymnastics coach (even if you aren't technically your daughter's coach) you will be accused of training her on the side to give her a leg up. Even if you WERE, what parent wouldn't? Moms and dads play catch with their kids at home. Are they all of a sudden supposed to stop doing that because it might give their kids a "leg up"? Or, is a dad who played football in high school suddenly supposed to stop giving his kid pointers on evasive moves or practice running routes just because his kid might end up getting better than a kid whose dad DIDN'T play football?

The entire premise of their argument is faulty. As long as you stay away from making any team decisions regarding your daughter, nothing SHOULD come of this. I think you should also continue to avoid doing anything one-on-one with her in class. Beyond that, the other people need to shove it.

Regarding your daughter's feelings, you probably just need to have a heart-to-heart with her. Explain to her that no matter what the situation was (whether you were coaching there or not), as she has gotten better and surpassed other competitors in ability and continues to surpass others, there is always going to be someone who is jealous of her ability. They are going to do anything to try to tear her down mentally. Is it fair? No, but she needs to learn to either 1) block it out or 2) use it as motivational fuel. I don't know how old your daughter is, but hopefully she is old enough to be able to do at least one of those two things...

Best of luck to both of you!

Jealousy is so ugly. My bet is they would be jealous whether you were the coach or not. From your daughter's perspective...having you be one of the coaches should be an added perk of the job. People are petty. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation since you aren't blatantly or otherwise showing favoritism.
FYI...my daughter attends a drama school where the owner's daughter either gets the lead or another leading role. I just tell her if I owned the school I would give my daughter the lead role:) so deal with it. Life is not always fair.

The head coach needs to get on top of this. I agree an "open door" policy will let parents observe but this talk is really detrimental to the whole team, and all the girls are suffering. The head coach or the owner of the gymnastics center need to take over, now.

Then ignore them. It's not your problem to solve.

So because you coach gymnastics, you're supposed to feel bad if you work with her at home? I know you said you didn't, but that's crazy. Good thing I'm not a coach since I love practicing sports at home with my kids (jk). Next time someone complains about how good your daughter is, just say it must run in the family. You shouldn't have to cater to jealous moms.

I can't imagine why that would be wrong if you practiced with your child at home. I would hope all the students found ways to improve. If she were getting spots in competitions that she hadn't earned, that would be one thing, but if you can honestly say she's performing at the appropriate level for the spots she gets, then it doesn't matter how she attained her skills, as long as she actually has the skills. I think I'd smile as sweetly as possible and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. That must be hard for you!" and teach her to say the same. You don't need to be sarcastic or mean about it, just sweet. They'll shut up soon enough!

So what if you helped your daughter at home? Like Sarah and Riley say, that is your choice. If you were a math teacher and helped your child with the math at home, would that be cheating? I think you have it right where you are having the other coaches work with you daughter instead of you during the classes. And if the moms are jealous, then they need to get extra coaching for their girls. The girls will siffer if they don't listen. Everyone has a different talent and your daughter seems to have found hers. Now you need to help her realize that she controls it and how far she can go, not to let the girls bring her down.

You are doing nothing wrong. Instead of focusing on your daughter, they need to tell their kids to practice harder and quit whining.

It sounds like what it comes down to is that their child isn't progressing at the same level and they are looking to place blame. Frankly, as long as you treat all the girls the same in the gym, then what are they upset about? They could hire another coach in their child's off time. Or they could spend more time at the gym. It's unfair to say, "well, your mom knows about x so you can't do it at home because we are jealous."

Frankly, it sounds like they are unwilling to see beyond the fact that your child has talent and works hard. Some people learn skills quickly but then plateau and some people take more time and keep going. My DH and is friend are like that. Teach your daughter to brush off the comments because her hard work is paying off. There will always be someone who is jealous and someone she can aspire to be like. She needs to be confident and not worry about their comments.

I think you should be professional. If your boss doesn't have a problem, then you don't worry too much about the comments. "I'm sorry you feel that way. If you want help working on a skill, we can do that (insert protocol here) but I will not tolerate anybody being torn down about a new skill because you haven't achieved it yet."

So what if parents are complaining? If you've done nothing wrong then why does it bother you? That's their problem. Let them deal with the director/head coach directly.
And if your daughter is going to be a gymnast she's going to need to toughen up, it's a very competitive sport. Most of the girls on my daughter's team are really great most of the time but once they start competing some of them can get petty and jealous. My daughter gets this. She doesn't take it personally, she knows how girls can be. Just focus on your daughter and doing YOUR job and don't worry about the rest.

Let it go. Your colleagues are backing you up. That's important. You and your daughter as well as your colleagues know the score. All you can do is calmly and rationally speak the truth as if it's patently obvious when someone makes an accusation like that. Don't go and actively "do" anything or seek them out to explain yourself. You have nothing to explain, and if you seek them out and try to explain things then it will come off as if you're covering for something or you feel guilty and they're right after all.

Make them seek YOU out so that you can politely scoff and then say, "Oh, you're serious? You think I favor my daughter? She works hard and has natural talent. That's all I'm going to say on the subject. Now let's get to the business of figuring out how to get the team to work together. I've noticed that your daughter is having some difficulty with _____. Would you like to schedule some one on one time for a coach to work with her on that?"

But seriously, so what if you worked with your daughter at home? How in the world would that be wrong? How is that favoritism? It's your DAUGHTER and you're allowed to foster your own child's natural talent. What's key is that you're not favoring her during group activities. At home you can do whatever you choose. Moot point, of course, but you know what I'm saying.

People are soooo ignorant and intolerant of anyone who is better than them, ignore the haters.

That kind of hateful attitude would NOT be allowed in our Dance Studio. The girls and the parents would get a firm talking to by the owner. If it persisted they would be kicked off the team.
Ditto Riley..

SO WHAT if you work w your daughter? Agree w the others stop arguing w them about it... they don't have any say in it.

Talk to your boss/coach/owner ASAP. You are being attacked, you can't ignore them...they are just hateful, jealous lil B's.

Good luck!!

Well normally I would say just blow it off and ignore the comments but this is being taken to your boss. So, it may be wise to suggest you coach a different team. However, if your boss doesn't have a problem with it then let them hate....

It seems weird that the parents make this accusation. All of the gyms in my area are open (or have viewing rooms) so that the parents can watch their children. Maybe ask the mom's to stay and watch their own daughter's so they know what's going on with their own girls. That said, you should not feel bad if you offer your own daughter help during a practice! She is participating just like everyone else and you certainly are not thinking of with holding your coaching from any other girls are you? Your daughter might feel better equipped to handle the nasty comments from the girls if you explained to her that you are her mother and coach...you love her more than anyone on that gym floor and you will back her up by being a great coach to her and the rest of girls out there. Your daughter needs to be praised for doing so well not put down or held back because a couple of ladies got their undies in a bunch thinking that their girls are the best and deserve to get all the attention from all of the coaches all of the time. Love on your daughter, she is needs you in her corner. Hope things get better fast so that you and your daughter can continue on in peace!

Let the boss handle it. They are just jealous of her natural talent.

I am kinda old school in the fact if you want something you have to earn it. Tell those girls to step it up. If they want the new skill they need to "listen up girls, you can earn this". I would say go harder on your coaching and tell these girls no slacking this is time to earn new skills. " if your not getting the hang of it or not learning quickly STEP IT UP"

There will always be this type of competition. I handle it with humor mostly. I am very white like nerdy white. I would try to say something silly like " hells ya, I got the mad skills" using big expressions and body language. Or I go with big vocab and snooty intellegance " oh yes that was quite the use of the physical being" This would usually set the mood of the negativity to a dismissave or even humor. Changeing the attitude of the others.

I wouldn't worry about it...maybe your daughter can hang out with different friends who aren't in gymnastics. Thank God I had boys...these girly incidents are just plain nonsense. Don't rock the boat just do your own thing.

If it is really an issue that bothers you and your daughter- I would get all parents and children together before class and say : I just have a few issues that I need to put to rest (also---make sure the other coaches are there too!!!!) I have been getting complaints about certain people saying I am favoring my daughter, teaching her on the side etc. to get better. I want the rumors to stop and this nonsense to stop. We do gymnastics here and don't practice anywhere else. I want those who cont. to talk to stop because its not fair to my daughter to have to deal with this. Thanks. Then ask the other coaches to back you up or if they want to add anything.

It is perfectly acceptable for you to be working with your daughter at home, whether or not you're the coach. So put that issue aside, because it's none of their business whether you do extra coaching at home, and it absolutely is fair. You think the baseball coach doesn't play catch with his son at home, because it would give him an unfair advantage? The goal is to help your child improve - that's why they are in the class! Do you think Olympic athletes got there by learning everything at the same pace as everyone else in their class? Um, no.

As Riley pointed out, though, you need to have a policy that you won't show favoritism to your daughter at the actual class. This should be discussed in advance with the other coaches. I think her idea of never working 1:1 with your daughter is a really good start. Accusations of favoritism in class could be a problem, so you should do what you need to do to avoid them. Accusations of favoritism at home are stupid - of course you favor your own children at home. ^_^ Good luck.

Sorry you are having to deal with middle school behavior from the other moms. If what you say is accurate, you have nothing to be sorry for, nothing to defend. You're doing your job, and your daughter is doing hers.

It's really important that the other two coaches backed you up. Now, the next step is to have your boss and/or the facility manager/director handle it with these moms. It may never convince them fully, but hearing it from the top levels of coaching staff and management may help to put them in check somewhat.

Sadly, we can't stop other grown-ups from acting like adolescents. The best thing to do is keep doing what you're doing and help to shore up your daughter's emotional and social coping skills to deal with the jealousy coming from these other parents and girls. If she isn't doing this already, make sure your daughter has other friends and social activities outside of the gymnastics world. If all of her social life comes from this gym, it will become a pretty lonely place as she continues to outshine and outperform the other girls.

She knows all the work she's done to get where she is, and let's face it, no matter how good the coach, if you don't have the goods when it comes to this sport, you just don't, and at some point, every gymnast has to be prepared for that. That's hard for some people to accept, especially in the very competitive world of gymnastics. Maybe that's what these moms are dealing with. Not saying it makes their behavior okay, but it may be what they're struggling with.

Try to be the stronger, bigger person (I know, easier said than done), but really, what other choice do you have unless you want to give them the power to try to distort your reality?

Hope this helps and that you and your daughter continue to rise above the pettiness.

Best to you and your family.

J. F.

When something like this happens again just say "I was so surprised when Joe called me over to watch what they had accomplished, isn't he a great teacher????". Then let her stew about that for a few minutes while you go on to talk about someone who you had in your group that got a new thing at the same time.

I am always getting called out of the store to watch my granddaughter do a new trick. She is just 8 and is able to do so much, she is working on the same things the big kids are too. She loves flipping and is pretty good at it too. I think she's working on her Arabians right now. They are standing and flipping backwards with at least a half spin in it.

I think the more you turn the conversations back to what is actually going on the less fuel they'll have to try to make you feel bad.

Focusing on what really happened, the teacher called you over so you could watch what your daughter accomplished, what the kids in your group were doing, letting them know by the chain of events that you weren't even over there until you were invited over.

They do seem jealous. BUT their kids are feeling this too and that's not a great environment to try to do something new in. These moms may be hearing how frustrated their kids are and they're making you the scapegoat since they want their kids to be as good as yours.

Perhaps you can take some extra time with their girls and help them get some new tricks. Of course making a big deal out of anything they get is going to make them feel better.

It just seems to me that the better everyone feels about themselves the more the environment would be more stable and suited for confidence building and learning.

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Treat it like the joke it is. I think you should laugh(in a good natured kinda way) and say cheerfully, OH yes my daughter has to do gymnastics for five hours every night after her homework is done. Luckily we have a full gym in our garage. That's why I never work with her in class, only the other coach(es) Smile and walk away.
I am an elementary teacher and I sometimes teach my children at home, esp in the summer. However I don't work with them on the subjects they are strong in, I work with them on their weaknesses.