I'm just thinking out loud and would love to have feedback from anyone willing to share.......either from your own experiences, your experience as a child, etc.
I'll start with an example, I would consider my mom a pretty good mom, very loving, very caring, mostly very patient. Except at certain points in time when it came to my very difficult brother. Brother was “it's either my way or the highway”. And he had no problem getting very rude, disrespectful, mouthy and down right mean to our mom when things weren't going his way. I remember one time when he was so mean to our mother, it made my heart ache for her. And he was probably 9 or 10 yrs old at the time. I wanted him to take back the very mean things he said to her. But my mom took it in stride.
But then I do remember times where he got the best of her, maybe she was stressed out or having a bad day, I don't know....but I remember at least a few times when she got frustrated with him and she had grabbed his arm and left fingernail marks which were very red and he claimed were bleeding. I’m sure the marks were most likely there for a couple days.
Now my mother had gone through some very unthinkable things when we were young kids. For her to even keep her head on straight is a wonder. Not to mention my dad wasn’t in the picture at that point. So she was a single parent taking on all of us kids and had to basically leave a situation in order to keep herself safe and do what was best for us kids. I can only imagine the stress she was under.
But then I wonder, what if someone had noticed the marks on my brother’s arms. If he had told them our mother did it, especially these days, would someone have turned her into CPS? Would she get any leniency due to the amount of stress she was under? Or would she be investigated and us kids possibly be sent straight into foster care? It all worked out in the end so I personally don’t see where calling CPS on her would have helped any of us.
Just recently I saw a mother in a store with a child probably about 7 or so having a major, screaming/hitting tantrum. The mother was getting so panicked over the whole thing and ended up taking the child out to the vehicle. I was leaving the store and heard the child still whaling and then heard the mother slapping and yelling. Maybe she left marks on the child – she looked out of control herself when she was trying to get him out of the store…..but we don’t know what her life circumstances are – she could be going through some major life issues and the tantrum sent her over the edge in that moment. She may be even keeled most of the time and just that moment was too much for her. If she did leave marks on her child and if she did do something she may have regretted afterward does that incident warrant a call to CPS?
I’m just wondering, do all parents have these not so glorious moments where they may have grabbed a child too hard and left marks/or hit a child in moments where emotions are out of control or where you are just absolutely at your wits end and you have a mouthy child or a child whose coming at you physically and your natural instinct is to fight/protect yourself but overall the parent is kind, loving, caring and a good parent.
I think I would have tried to intervine with the woman in the car to be honest. Even if it meant calling the police. Here is the thing, that woman no matter the circumstances needed an intervention - sadly no one stepped up.
I am sure there are many parents out there who have felt the urge, or acted on the urge to go way past what we all consider acceptable at least once. Whether it be screaming, swearing at the child, perhaps spanking, or something we otherwise would later go, ohmygosh did I? I can't believe I did that. And they are very wonderful parents who are also human beings. The difference between the abusive parent and the one who is not is the fact that the abusive parent seems to feel no remorse. Some children are unruly, some test you over and over again. There are parents that do not realize they can get help and there are parents who stuff their feelings inside and explode. The point is everyone is human. When we have children I think I am safe in saying that for the most part we all do the best we can and then as they grow older children have to learn right from wrong and we can only take a deep breath hoping that they grow up alright in spite of our inconsistencies.
I'm with Angeles T. If I saw the same parent inflicting the same behavior on the same child repeatedly, I would consider reporting it. But I would never judge a stranger after one incident, and would tend to give both parent and child the benefit of the doubt. Mom could have been having the worst day ever, served with divorce papers, lost her own mom, had the flu .... and the child could have been hungry, tired and uncontrollably stubborn. I have two stubborn, strong-willed children and it's difficult to control my emotions at the end of a terrible day. Somehow I do, but it's really hard. So no, I probably would not have called CPS. I'm NOT condoning the slap, however. I could never slap my own child, but a firm grasp of an arm could happen at times.
It sounds like your mom had a rough time, which means you kids did too. That said, it sounds as though she raised a compassionate, understanding daughter. Kudos to both of you for being survivors. Hugs.
Parents are human and they do the best they can. That being said there is a big difference between a spanking or a one time incident and abusing your Child. Who knows if your mother had addressed the cursing with a nice spanking and time outs early on would it have reached the shoulder holding. Each kid acts differenty. Maybe your brother was handling other issues like male abandoment that your mom was aware and was trying to compensate but sometimes could not. CPS should be saved for real indangerment.
I was the baby of three older brothers. So i was rough and tough EXACTLY just like them. I looked up to my brothers and held true to the "if they can do it, i can do it" way of life. I was VERY rambunctious and i can recall several times pushing to my limits and getting whacked a few times for it. There were times that the marks were left, but only because i had pushed to the point of no return (even worse in my teenage years). The marks were always where they weren't seen and if they were I could cover them up in some way, shape, or form. I'm sure that all parents get these moments at one time or another though. I know that no matter what you still love your child and don't mean for things to come as they do, but I'm sure it happens. (Unfortunately I do not have children of my own). When I become a parent myself or even with my girlfriend's kids later down the line, I will try and remember what I have to do at work. I work with developmentally and mentally disabled children and adults and have been trained in areas such as sensitivity, MANDT (being able to restrain someone without causing harm to yourself or the one you are restraining momentarily), etc. If I can keep to this frame of mind, I believe that I can curb it so it doesn't become like my childhood or the situation you described above with the little one at the store.
