Parenting Styles - Liberty,MO

I'm right there with ya :) what I cannot stand are parents that say "what am I going to do with Joe? I don't know why he doesn't listen" then I see their version of timeout Joe sits on mommy or daddy's lap while they chat with him and not about what he did but about fun things. Or Joe has a tantrum and they buy him an ice cream to quiet him down....blah!

I'm not into punishment, but I am the most consistent out of all my parent friends. My daughter knows the rules and knows the consequences for her choices. There is no need to test because I will follow through with the consequence EVERY TIME. ALWAYS. I do not "punish." Natural consequences, logical consequence follow so that my discipline leads to self discipline.

We've fortunately agreed on our parenting style.

Spanking ( hitting) is not an option and not tolerated at our house. You teach a child not to hit then you turn around and hit them... Lesson?? In my opinion, spanking is a power trip for parents.

We've used time out, loss of privileges. Again, we are fortunate to not have a child pushing limits but if the need were to be, we'd ante up on privileges.

Geez, our daughter would die if she had no car, phone or laptop. She has tested us once and that's it so far.

We do believe in wide open communication no topic off limits. Thankfully daughter is close with us, knows limits and respects them.

I've been pretty darn lucky so far to have a well rounded high spirited, strong willed daughter without pulling my hair out and diverting issues when necessary.

well my son isn't very old, (almost 2) but I can't imagine I would tolerate rude behavior. I follow the Love and Logic approach to parenting. It's a no yelling, natural consequences, a type of time out, packed with empathy approach to parenting. I LOVE it. I have a lot of fun with my son and he is really starting to understand that there are consequences for his actions.

I agree with SingleMa about a lot of what she said especially spanking. What I've seen from other parents is a punishment or a way to "get back" at their kid cause they're angry at their kid. Seems like it just teaches them to deal with anger by hitting, or that when someone does something you DON'T like you should hit them to "teach them a lesson".

I do have the book that SingleMa refered to about communication and plan to read it and apply it's methods to my son when he's a little older. The book was written for children not toddlers. In the meantime I use Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block in addition to Jim and Charles Fay Love and Logic. Both books so far allow me to parent in a way that makes me feel I'm teaching my son respect for himself and others!

great question!

I completely agree with you that parents should never reward bad behavior. Nor should they be negligent or inconsistent with discipline. Kids need to know what the rules are – they actually feel safer knowing their parents care enough to follow through and keep them in bounds.

That said, to me, discipline means teaching and guidance, not spanking and punishing. I spanked my bright, high-spirited, curious toddler daughter only twice, single swats to get her attention, when she was about to do something dangerous. There was absolutely no need to strike her to get compliance with the rules. I spoke to her respectfully and courteously, and that's how she learned to speak to others. I explained the reasons for the rules at a level she could understand, treating her as a whole, intelligent being. I used rewards charts occasionally to help her change irritating behaviors, and they seemed effective for that purpose.

I have since watched 2+ generations of children in my religious community being raised without spanking or punishments in the traditional sense. Most of these children are pretty awesome at every age, polite, agreeable, respectful, cooperative, and they follow rules appropriate for their ages and mental capacities. I doubt that a single one of them was ever spanked. So I know that a non-spanking approach works well. (You can tell which ones are parented too leniently, but even they come around eventually and turn into agreeable and helpful young adults.)

And now my grandson, 5.5 years old, is being raised that way, too. One more outstanding, enthusiastic, happy young man. Strong, connected family. Consistent parenting with lots of love. This child draws all kinds of admiration from adult strangers for his excellent behavior and interpersonal skills.

I chose this positive parenting style because my mom ruled with an iron hand, was dysfunctionally controlling, and believed in the power of shaming and spanking to keep her 4 kids in line. All of us were unhappy children (although my mom tells us that strangers always told her how polite and happy we looked). We all had major issues to work through when we were finally emancipated. One sister was drawn into cult activity trying to sort out her confusion, and is not leading a happy life. One sister became emotionally disabled, has been living with taxpayer assistance for almost 20 years, and is intermittently suicidal. Those two sisters never married successfully or had children.

The other two of us had better luck dealing with our dysfunctions and are leading more or less normal lives, have good marriages and one terrific child each. But I sure made a lot of poor choices and terrible mistakes as a young adult, and I still can't find a feeling for my mother that I would call love. The only 'consequences' I had ever experienced was my mother's heavy hand and stringent rules, groundings, extra chores and deprivations, and so it took me awhile to learn what consequences life would actually give me when I was finally out from under her rule.

I vowed many times, beginning in toddlerhood, to never, ever strike a child of my own. I ALMOST managed to keep that promise to myself and my daughter. And raising her was a delight, for her and for me.

I completely agree with you.

The older I get the more patient I am in some areas and more strict in others. What I don't get is how some moms seem to teach NOTHING to their kids. Here's my recent grievance..

I have 2 children that come nights and 4 that come days. The little ones on days are extremely well trained to take their shoes off and put them by the door. I don't care if they wear them. But if they take them off, they put them away. The night kids are 5 and 7 years old...way older than the others... And they whine, tattle, complain, and they cry at the drop of the hat. They go home late and I have to try and remember to make them find their shoes before bed. If I forget they are standing up crying and I'm going from room to room looking for their shoes. It's stupid. It's summer. Take them out barefoot. But OH...they might cut their little feet. WHATEVER. If 2 and 3 year olds know what to do with their shoes, these kids should get it. They've been coming for 6 months!

Another thing I can't stand is when kids are allowed to demand food and drinks without properly asking for them. Once again, I have 3 year old children that can barely speak that ask for drinks with please, thank you, and most of the time they remember how. If I take care of other kids on a drop in basis I am always SHOCKED when they walk up in an insolent manner and inform me they are hungry or thirsty. Attitude is dripping all over as if I've been too stupid to realize they need something. It takes me back enough that I smile and say that's nice and keep doing what I'm doing. I'm not going to be ordered around by a 2 or 3 foot tall person.

I'm not against punishment at all. I am also not the least bit afraid to use shame, guilt, and lecturing. I think that it's possible to teach manners and morals and still love, hug, and laugh a long the way.

I am so glad I took early childhood education classes after my first child was born. I learned so much. When they are little you can prevent SO much bad behavior just by reading their cues and anticipating difficult situations (for example, do NOT take a hungry/tired child to the grocery store, duh!) Most of the time a firm voice and looking them directly in the eye was all that was needed. And of course, being consistent with expectations.
I didn't really have behavioral issues with my kids until the preteen/teen years. Of course hormones kick in, they are growing and challenging authority, which is all normal and healthy. Again the key is to be consistent in expectations. Of course you insist they respect you, the family and the home, but you must in turn respect them and their feelings (I think the most controlling parents have the most stubborn, difficult kids.) At this age the most effective discipline in our house is loss of privileges, which can be different for each child at different times. Right now, for my daughters the loss of cell/internet and time with friends works best, and with my son it's the loss of the car which is most effective. How long I take things away depends on how serious the "infraction."
I've got to say they usually follow the rules, they don't like getting in trouble :)

We discipline our children when they don't behave and we encourage them when they are behaving well. We explain and remind our kids about what is expected from them. We have rules and character encouragement. No means No. As mom, who spend most of the time with the kids, I don't use the "1,2,3..." they just know they have to stop or leave when it is necessary.
We teach manners and remind the kids about it all the time. We have lots of fun and the kids are happy kids, I feel glad that every time we go out we get nice comments about our kid's behavior and that is something! I am not just blah blah blah....it is just a nice feeling to receive compliments about the kids' behavior and attitude. They do misbehave, they are children and mine are pretty active, however they have learned and still learning how educated and kind people make a difference everywhere. They like the feeling of being accepted and the feeling of just behave well....
Most of the time, kids behave bad or wrong just because they are tired or hungry or they don't know what is expected from them, so my husband and I make sure they are well fed, rested and they know the rules....that way it is very avoidable a tantrum, or a bad behavior. Also, repetition is a good resource for me, that works wonders!
Raising children is not easy, it is hard work but so rewarding, if we want to have well behave children we have to work for it every minute every day according to the situation and the kid's age.... that is a parent's job. Sometimes we cannot be parent and friend at once all the time, we are guides, we are teachers for the future generations, but also it's important to create an open communication with the children and show them our unconditional love.