Parent Teacher Communication

This is odd.
You can be "up to date" on school without being the O. to drop off,
Is this pre-k?
Does the teacher docs calendar or weekly update?
Work from that.

Approaching you with these questions is very unprofessional. Working in a school environment, my teacher's would ask for the parent's e-mail, a phone call, or a note. This type of communication relieves a lot of stress and confusion. She has a teaching degree, give me a break. I don't have a degree but I know how to handle situations like this. You don't need to have a parent conference with her about this. GEEZ.........

i'm not sure how you expect your teacher to know that you're not the one with the answers if you get offended at her asking the question.
she's busy, and not a mind-reader.
she's not sticking it to you. she's trying to get information to help her help your child. don't take it so personally. it's extremely unlikely that she has the time or inclination to be digging into your personal affairs. if you're afraid to admit it when you screw up, that's your issue, not hers.
when you go to the conference, you don't have to turn yourself into knots to be 'diplomatic.' be courteous, be clear, and speak to her from a place of mutual interest. she's not out to get you. she's trying to work with your child. she's on your side.
i'm not sure what it is precisely that you want her to do. stop asking you questions altogether? or just not to do so at pick-up time? if the latter, simply say (courteously and without a lot of assumptions that she's trying to pry into your personal business) 'i'd find it helpful if you'd just drop me a note or email if you have questions about priscilla's tardiness or forgetfulness. i'm not the one who drops her off so i can't ever answer your questions accurately, and i don't want to give you the wrong information.'
she really doesn't care about your personal issues. she's a professional, and she's working with your child.
khairete
S.

First drop the attitude that she is trying to ask a question you don't know and that she is trying to get you to admit a personal issue.

All she was trying to do is find out why. Just because *you* don't like being asked questions you don't have the answer to doesn't mean it isn't a question you should know the answer to.

My ex is a nightmare, they know it, they still ask me because I am the one who can find the answers. They don't do it to put me on the spot, they do it because I am a grown up who has brought these kids into the world and should have some idea what is going on in their lives.

All you should have said, and I have used this line many times, I don't know but I am sure as hell going to find out! That is all they want, to let you know and then find an answer.

If you have every intent to go in there with this is not my problem, I don't know the answer and shouldn't be put on the spot, you will be thrown into the category of my ex. Not taking responsibility, doesn't care, all about them. Not a place I think you want to be. He gets so mad that they communicate nothing to him anymore because it is pointless, he is a bag of excuses.

Be the adult, admit you are not omnipotent, and find out what you don't know.

Most likely, this teacher is not trying to "stick it to you". You are the point of contact and she is trying to figure out why your child is not coming to school prepared. School just started, and she is probably trying to nip things in the bud before school REALLY gets going. If there is a bigger picture (divorce, separation, work schedule, babysitter issues, etc.), she needs to know. If, for whatever reason, your son will be tardy frequently, she needs to know that. She doesn't need to know gory details of your life, she just needs to know the basics. Teachers are not mind readers and I can assure you most do not have the time or inclination to try to "catch" parents being bad. I would simply explain to her that communication is important to you. You appreciate her concern about your child. And I would tell her that you would appreciate if she would email these concerns to you, rather than ask at pick up. You can either be honest and tell her that sometimes you need a little time to investigate issues or explain to her that you'd like a more private setting when your child is discussed.

You also need to find out what is happening and drop off and be more proactive at fixing that situation. Let her know you are aware and you are addressing the issues.

ALL of the things you mention ARE YOUR problem, YOU are required to answer those questions. Tardies, school work, permission slips, signed forms etc. It's all on YOU while this child is in school.
The responsibility on your shoulders will lessen as the child moves up through the grades, but YOU will always be held accountable.
Oh yeah, great vague first question.

Your child's teacher isn't "trying" to stick ou out there to make you admit you screwed up or admit personal issues. If there are frequent issues that are holding your child back in class your teacher has the right and the NEED to ask you these questions in an effort to figure out with you how to fix them.

Perhaps your response should be, "Let me find out and I'll get back to you. What's your school e-mail address so that we can discuss this in more detail and we can include my child's father in on the conversation? This way we can find a resolution together and it won't happen again."

As the parent, you are responsible (especially if the child is young) but I think you are taking this too personally. She's not trying to put you on the spot or catch you messing up but rather letting you know these things are happening so you can address them as necessary (with your child and the drop off person). You are both the mom and the pick up person so of course she is going to say it to you.

If you would prefer to not feel you are being "put on the spot", you could ask that if/when your child is late she ask the person dropping off (but she may not see that person) or that she email you (for that or forgotten items). This way it will give you a chance to either reply before pick up (and maybe check with the drop-off person) or update her when you pick up.

Assuming you are with your child in the evening, can you start making sure things are in the backpack the night before so things aren't forgotten in the morning?

Wow... are you hard to get a hold of, and the teacher is grabbing the only opportunity she has? I only ask because my policy (as a preschool teacher) is only to discuss anything which might be a 'concern' in private, out of respect for the child and parent.

You might try first giving her the benefit of the doubt. "I can see you are very concerned about (Child's name). I would like communication with you to be clear, however, sometimes I cannot answer your questions because I simply don't have the answers. My (husband, friend, babysitter) is dropping Child off in the morning and I'm not always aware of what's going on at that time. I also do not think pick-up is the best time for me to get into a big conversation, so perhaps we should start using written communication instead. Does email work for you or would you like to have a small communication notebook in my son/daughter's backpack? This way, I could be aware of your concern and would either write back with an explanation or give you a call if necessary?"

From my perspective, saying something like this puts the ball back into her court: it addresses--and respects-- her desire for communication AND asks her to 'choose one' (email or communication notebook-- or just notes). Personally, if I had a tardiness issue at elementary school OR an issue of the child not having the appropriate supplies/clothing for school, I would use that opportunity to make the phone call to the parent--- for so many good reasons. I would want to build trust with that parent, so we could work the rest of the year as a team *for* the child, and would want the parent to be comfortable with our relationship.

You might not be the one who drops off your child but you are still one of the people responsible for addressing any school problems. If you would like the teacher to speak with the drop off person then simply say so and provide contact information. You are also going to have to address the problems with that person.

So, if I didn't want to divulge said personal issue, I would just tell the teacher that I appreciate knowing about any issues but that I would prefer to receive an email so I can bring it up with the drop off person and that she, likewise, should contact the drop off person.

How old is your child? Is your child old enough that he/she should be responsible for remembering their things? Or is your child young K-1 and the teacher is wondering why your child is not being reminded, by whomever, not to forget A or B? Does your child seem to have several tardies and missed items already? Maybe the teacher is trying to look for a good answer so that she can be more understanding but is growing tired of things happening often?

Try not to take it so personally. She's just concerned about your child and asking you about it. If you don't know why your daughter was late or forgot something then be honest with her, let her know that someone else drops her off so you're not always aware. Make sure she has your phone number and email so she can reach you if there seems to be an ongoing issue or problem.

You've got some tough responses. I agree that you and whomever else is in charge are responsible for your child, however, I think that there are two other issues at play here:

1) Though your child cannot be responsible for being dropped off late, he/she can be more responsible in turning things in at school. Kids need to learn responsibility and accept the ramifications if they do not do what is expected.

2) Your child's teacher bring up some valid points, however, I agree that pickup may not be the best time to discuss them.

You have set a good first step by setting up a conference. I would say something like this:

"I apologize that we have not done so well in getting things together. We are having some personal issues at home and trying not to let it interfere with school stuff (if that is the case). I want to work with you to make sure that our child does everything that is expected. If there is an issue or something that you need from me, please email me the concern directly. This gives me an opportunity figure out what happened and/or the opportunity to get it done quickly. I will make more of an effort to go through their folder to make sure I know what is going on as well."

Then make sure you do it! If you promise that you will be on top of it, then you need to be sure that you are. Despite your personal problems at home, your child's school stuff should be a priority. If things are tough at home, you don't want to make it any more difficult for your child by getting the teacher upset. Good luck!!!

I would tell her, "You often ask me questions at the end of the day to which I really don't know the answer because I was not the one dropping off my child in the morning. Here is my phone number/email address. Please feel free to email me or put a note in my child's bag and I will address the problem when I have gotten the information I need to give you an informed answer."

My family is blended and sometimes when the sks were little we had no idea what happened over Spring Break or at a pickup. We needed time to find out what was going on before we could address it. It is common for parents and teachers to exchange information at the end of the day, but it sounds like you might need to guide this interaction so you feel less picked on - which may not be her intention at all. She's trying to find out what's going on with your child. You don't know. Tell her you will find out and get back to her, and then do so. If she didn't tell you, would you know your child was late or would you find out when the school sent you a nasty gram in the mail? I would thank her for letting me know and then find out what the issue was because if someone consistently dropped my kid off late, that's a problem.

DH once had an au pair (before DH and I were married). We found out through things people told us that the au pair was NOT keeping SD safe to/from school. She let SD run through parking lots with moving cars, for example. We are so grateful someone told us what was going on because we would otherwise have no idea. DH fired her when he realized she was just phoning it in and putting his children in danger. Take the information and find out what you need to do about it.

I also agree that you can and should simply tell the teacher if there's something she should know. Are the papers going missing on your ex's time, for example? "My ex and I have joint custody, so sometimes I am not the person who sees the papers at night. I will talk to my ex about how to handle the communication. In the meantime, how can we each get a copy of the class newsletter? Can I give you self-addressed envelopes?" Offer a solution that is easy on the teacher without putting her in the middle. I told my DD's preschool teacher simply, "Her big sister moved to college a few weeks ago and DD misses her very much. I mention this because it might impact DD's behavior for a little while." This is not letting the teacher into your business but giving the teacher important info. "I am the custodial parent so while you can contact either of us, you should contact me first in case of emergency." Etc.

first off go in there and, as you said, diplomatically explain the issue.(you don't have a problem, you have a challenge to work on.) "I want to make sure we are communicating well, because if there are any issues i want to make sure we fix them as soon as possible." or "i want to do everything i can to make this easier for him and for you." then offer a solution. "I'm usually a lot better able to respond to an email, would that work for you?" (or phone call, or whatever). make sure you are on the same side. don't be accusatory or confrontational. be nice.

but also - get to the bottom of the issues with his drop off. it's not acceptable. as his mother you do need to figure this out. you're his mom. yes, in a perfect world, others would be trustworthy to handle this task - but if they're not, i'd be getting to the bottom of this asap. good luck!

Hi A.,

First of all, the right words are always respectful words and a calm speaking without being defensive (I have been on both sides).
Speaking of school matters, we, as parents, always should be responsible for our children especially during elementary school to help them being responsible and accountable themselves, and this starts with helping the little one (Pre school, Kindergarten, 1st Grade, 2nd grade) to check the day before what she/he needs for school, check on his/her homework, check on supplies, homework, projects, and so on. So whoever,mom or dad drops the kid off, one of them, usually mom should be checking on everything the day before and early morning what the child needs in class. When kids mature enough and they have grown up, they can do part of this, but it is always a good idea to be there for them and review, check things out.
Now, another story is the way the teacher approaches to you, in what manner or tone of voice, if it makes you feel uncomfortable or not. All that counts as well. So, besides any concern you have about your child, talk to her respectfully, shortly and clearly, and then mention the way you feel if she actually makes you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable because that is not the right way to communicate with a parent.
Breath, be polite and keep an eye on how things go during school.....

Just be honest....say what you said above....

something like:

"I apologize that my child hasn't always had everything they needed or that they were late...._______drops them off and I pick up.

Is there some written communication you can send me and/or other parents about what assignments are due? Perhaps you could have a form that the kids take home or you could email."
________

At our school the kids have a Friday folder with a sheet stapled on it. The teachers send home any communication on the communication sheet. I also frequently email the teacher if I have questions.

Teachers may still assume that moms are in charge, that moms are at home putting kids on the bus, etc. Just let her know that while you appreciate her letting you know if your child was late or has come to school without something, that you are not in charge in the morning, and simply cannot answer questions about things that happened during the morning routine. Ask her to drop you an email if an issue comes up. It's also up to you to have a discussion with dad or the babysitter or whomever is getting your child ready in the morning. It's very important that your child gets to school on time, and that you communicate to whomever is the caregiver, what your child needs to bring to school each day.

Putting the best spin on things, I would assume the teacher is genuinely concerned as it could affect your child's day. Don't assume she is looking to place blame. She just needs your help since you probably seem very capable of working on the problem. I would simply answer (with no guilt or defensiveness), "I didn't drop my child off this morning, what happened?" Then follow with, "Thank you for letting me know. I will so what I can to resolve the problem." Then smile. No big deal. If you do know that there is a serious personal issue then simply say, "I will call to make an appt. to discuss it. Thanks for your concern."

Thanking the teacher always helps keep good communication coming. Depending on how many students are in her class, it may just be easier for her to ask you in person than to take the time to write a note.

You don't need to worry too much about the right words. Be a mature grown up and it will be fine. The teacher just wants to be sure parents know of any concerns. Every problem is easier to solve when it is addressed early on. It is perfectly fine to say you don't know why or don't have an answer. Thank the teacher for telling you about any issues and reassure her that you want the answers too and will work to resolve it. A quick question at pick up is probably the fastest way for the teacher to let you know about something...without having to spend extra time at the computer later, without forgetting, and knowing you have heard her and not overlooked an email or missed it if it was sent to your spam folder. If you prefer email, go ahead and ask for it, but it might not be the most effective from the teacher's point of view.

sounds like the teacher is trying to make you feel uncomfortable on purpose, so she can feel somehow superior . talk to the other parents and see if she does the same thing to them, if say, two or more parents have the same complaint about her, then obviously the problem, is her, not you. that being the case, talk to the principal and the superintendent about the teachers "problem"
K. h.

So have you been to a professional, to get help with this sensitivity?

Your expectation that people know you are so sensitive you cannot answer a typical question, without feeling judged, needs to be adressed.

You need help, so that you and those around you can communicate with you.

No one, on purpose , especially a teacher, really cares enough to try to make you feel uncomfortable.

When people ask a question, it is to find an answer not to judge you.. That is YOUR baggage, not theirs.

Your children are learning from you all of the time. Your reactions, your preconceived ideas.

Parents need to be physically healthy, but even more importantly mentally healthy.

You deserve to be happy. You sound very stressed, unhappy and lacking self confidence. You are a mom, you are powerful. You also should be living a positive life. Not such a frightened and insecure life.

Sounds like you need to communicate better with your child, and with the person dropping your child off. Ultimately, it is OUR job to make sure our kids are prepared. We do this at night, to avoid any issues in the morning.