Overweight Friend - Bring It Up?

He knows.
Losing weight is not easy.
This is something HE has to deal with.
When he's ready to grab the bull by the horns, then he'll deal with it.

I am a heavy girl and in the tail end of preparations for gastric bypass. If anyone I love said something negative about my weight, it would do nothing to motivate me to lose weight. Instead, when comments are made like "you look great, are you trying something new,' it motivates me to either continue what I'm doing or do my best to try something to get some weight off.

I feel like my friends and family support me by not judging me and being there for me whether I'm skinny or fat.

I agree with the others. He knows it already, and most of the time the person has to want to do it first.

I am very overweight as well. If I had a friend say something like that to me they would no longer be my friend. It may be ridiculous, it may be oversensitive, but I would be so ashamed and hurt that I could no longer be my "true self" with my friend.
I know I am fat, I already make myself feel bad about it, don't need someone to point out the obvious to me.
L.

Most of my life I've been 6' tall and 120-160 (aka bikini weight).

For several years following some health problems I weighed 350s.

Believe me. The BEST way you are showing you love and are concerned about him is having it NEVER enter your conversation. That you don't care about his body. That you respect his intelligence. That his spirit is more important than his struggles.

Now... If you have a spare 50k-100k laying around... and no holds barred are TOTALLY willing to pay for both gastric bypass AND plastic surgery needed following major weight loss. Then sure. Offer.

Hey Rico... You know I have a wicked amazing health trust. If plastic surgery or anything is something you'd like... I'd be more than happy to get you in at Mayo / Hopkins/ Yale/ etc. and foot the bill.

Otherwise... you're just telling him stuff he already knows. Sorta like telling a mom whose house is a mess that her house is a mess. We have eyes. We know. We love you for pretending you don't.

Honestly, you should keep your mouth shut unless he asks for help. I am an overweight person. I know I am over weight (as does he). and just like him, I know why I am big and what I am supposed to do to not be big. That does not make is easy. It does not address the underlying issues most big people have, like depression, or a food addiction, or emotional eating, ect, ect. When someone comes to me and says "I just really care about you...............your fat" it does not matter how nicely they try to say it, they are saying "you are fat (and disgusting)". Even if you don't think "disgusting", we hear it that way. We know we are fat, and we are way harder on ourselves about it then anyone else could be, and we don't need it pointed out to us. What happens when people point it out is that you feel like even a bigger failure, like you are being judged even by this close friend. You feel depressed, and then you probably eat.
In short, mind your own business, he knows he is fat.

Um, I'm overweight, just past the mark of being obese. I could probably tell by ounces how much over I am. I KNOW I'm overweight. I would know if I was 1 lb overweight as well as 150 lbs overweight. I would say 99.9% of the people who have a weight problem are more than aware (hyperaware). If he brings it up himself you can say something like what you posted above. Otherwise the best thing that will help him is unconditional friendship. No Matter What! He won't get that in person. (eta: From the general public)

My weight has yo yo'd throughout my life and it is AMAZING how different people treat you. It's sort of hilarious to me because, I'm the same person inside. Fortunately (accept for a handful of times) I haven't received the all out disdain and disgust some overweight people do but I can go from invisible to getting hit on (well when I was younger) depending on weight. I could probably tell you what that magic number is weight wise too......... Then there is the physical discomfort and limitations......He's aware, believe me.

I think that he is painfully aware that he is "fat". If he hasn't brought it up and asked for your opinion, then I wouldn't say anything.

I would tell you to leave it alone. Your friend has a mirror. He knows he's fat. He knows it's unhealthy. He knows it puts him at risk. You don't need to tell him. When you bring it up, he will likely take it as judgement of him. He may take it to mean that you do not have unconditional acceptance of him. IF he decides he wants to do something about it and chooses to discuss that with you, it's a different story.

Good lord really? No you DO NOT talk to him about this. If he wants to bring it up, asks for support, or vents about it and opens up the door about the subject then it would possibly be OK to talk about it. But other than that? No way.

What do you think that you could tell him that he doesn't already know? Or that he can't find on his own if so inclined? Do you really think he doesn't see himself in the mirror? Doesn't know that he's putting his health at risk? Of course he knows these things. You are not his doctor or spouse. You have no skin in the game - DO NOT approach this subject.

I'm sure he knows he's overweight. I'm pretty sure you don't need to say anything about his weight or health, unless he brings it up or asks for your advice.

I wouldn't get between a man and his stomach. While you have the best intentions, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Like you said, he knows he's overweight. I would leave it alone. To each thei own.

I don't know how someone in another state can help someone else lose weight. Heck, even if you lived next door. You can't control what he eats or whether he exercises.

Just enjoy his friendship while you have it!

Honestly I wouldnt bring it up like everyone knows he knows he's on the larger side and he is aware of the health issues that comes along with obesity. Sometimes honesty with your friends isn't the best thing. I would probably lose a few friends, and if one told me that I put on some weight in the past year or so i would probably want to kick them in the face, then point out every one of their flaws.

do you think he just hasn't realized it?
:/
khairete
S.

Being overweight is similar to smoking, drinking, gambling ect. Part of it is lifestyle part not ready to make changes. I had a S/O who was very overweight but also a food alolic he never knew what it meant to feel full. He would eat and eat until the food was gone. I am a 'big batch' cook I like to make dinners that can be reheated the next night. I couldn't do that with him or he would eat it all. He was also very sedintary (sp). He had been to Overeaters Anon., done counseloing ect he was just not ready to change.

Do NOT bring it up. He knows he is overweight and until he wants to do something about it, there is nothing you can say or do that will help him. Be there if and when he asks for help.

If you really feel like you have to do something maybe bring it up to him that you are starting a new fitness routine and need a buddy or someone who you can count on, would they be willing to help YOU?

No, you don't say anything. You are out of state and can't really "help" anyway. He knows he has an issue, we all do. I was upper 300's before I had gastric bypass. I'm still big. I would not consider you a "friend" if you said anything about my weight. I would assume you DID have an issue with it, since you were offering to "change me" and not accepting me for who I am. Only *I* can do that. So just continue your friendship with him. If and when he gets to the point that he's going to make healthy changes, THEN encourage and support him. Good luck!

You should NEVER bring up the subject unless he brings it up first.

Also, since you live far apart there's nothing you can do to help. It's not like you can say, hey let's take a walk. Or I found this great new recipe.

If he has any intelligence at all, which I'm sure he does, he knows the risk factors with being overweight.

I wouldn't say anything. I have a friend I see sporadically in the same situation. I worry about her too, but I figure she knows she's morbidly obese and she knows it's risky for her health so I keep my mouth shut. If she were to bring it up or to let me know that she wanted to change things I would offer my full support and ask her what I could do to help.

I wouldn't say anything. I mean, how can you text someone and tell them they are overweight? Not a good thing. And besides, I'm sure if he's over 300 pounds, he probably hears it a lot, and gets nasty stares from people too, so the last thing he needs is his long distance friend telling him that. He trusts you, and probably enjoys talking to you, since you say you talk frequently. I'd let it go unless it naturally comes into a conversation, they maybe it would be OK.

I'd say that you're right in that he already knows. I would not bring it up to tell the truth, unless HE brought it up first. If HE initiates a talk like "I've been doing this and this, but having trouble...." then I would try to help him any way I can. But if he hasn't said anything to you about it, then it's either not on the table to talk about, or he hasn't gotten to a point where he wants to share that part of his life with you.

He may have a health issue you don't know about. If you live near each other, why not just ask him if he'd go for a walk w/ you a couple of times/week? Win...win?

ETA: Oops, I somehow didn't process "different states", but maybe you could schedule a phone conversation (not text) that revolves around the 2 of you going for a walk "together".

I would first ask myself this.. am I as a person in the BEST shape of my life... am I doing the best I can with my weight, a bad habit , etc etc..
These are questions I ask myself... We have an aunt who needs to drop probably 150 lbs.. and she has the money and support at her disposal but does nothing about it.. her doctors have lectured her as have her kids.. and still she is VERY over-weight.. Thing is.. I need to drop some weight too.. oh not nearly as much as her.. but that is the point... IF I can't drop what little amount I have to drop.. then I have no business telling her to do it.. love her or not.. This goes with most things.. E.g. I have had claustrophobia in the last few years and I found myself telling my son, well it's best if you can get over your fear of swimming........ then he told me, well it's best if you get over your Claustrophobia.. :) so you see.. just make sure that before you approach him , you are also doing the best you can.. which , sounds like you are.. but hey... just mentioning it just in case.. :)

good luck to you and your friend. i wish him all the best..

Don't bring it up unless you are planning to help him make a life change.

That's great you are concerned. He won't live very long or well like that, you're right.

I get frustrated when my mom talks about wanting to lose weight. I want to scream, just do it, don't talk! My husband and I want to stay our same just married weights and grow old together...so we commit to run 2 miles each day. 3 days a week I also go to the gym for weights. We eat very healthy and not too much. It's a huge commitment when most people don't really do much of this. But we don't gain at all.

So, you're friend needs some drastic changes, and I'm not sure how he'd get started, honestly. But baby steps can lead to big changes...Don't give up! You are a good friend for thinking of him.

he knows.
perhaps if you started a new fitness routine, you could mention something that way.

"I care about you, and want you to live a long life. If you ever want to talk about losing weight or need support, I'll be here for you."