Open Water Field Trip and I Can't Go! HELP!!!

Take the Xanex and let her go. Punishing her because you have a hard time dealing with water is unfair.

Dawn

We go on ALL my son's field trips.. and when we can't (such as this past Friday) I don't send him to school. My son would especially not be allowed if the trip was on open water.....

Granted , it's only been one trip we had to miss.. but if we aren't there, then NO.. I prefer my son not attend..
People can say I am paranoid :) all they like.. However, I am of the opinion that no one can watch my son as well as I can..

In no way do I blame other parents who send their kids unattended. In fact, when growing up no EVER went on a field trip with me, not even those via the park and rec system.... I was ages 7 and 8 at the time.. Personally, I didn't mind not having a parent there.. but when it comes to my own son... I simply prefer to be there..

so no, I wouldn't allow my child to go... again, no judgement on anyone else... and yes.. I am OVERLY protective... :)

I have been prone to some severe panic attacks before, and I am going to circle through the logic that I learned to use that would get me through this.

First of all, I find that my anxiety stems from a self-applied accountability that is over-exaggerated. yes, it's your job to keep your daughter safe. your her mom. But not to the point that you don't let her do something (that isn't extreme) for fear of her safety.

In my panic attacks it helps me to deal with the worst case scenario. Because to me, everything else is fluff. So, that's what I usually focus on. If you find this harsh.... that's not at all what I am trying to do. If you read the book - "When Panic Attacks" by David Burns he will walk you through a series of exercises that will help you logically think through and counter-act your hyper-emotional reaction until you "internalize" that the "truth" is the logical choice.

Here is what I would do, if I were you and based on the info you have provided. (if this is not helpful for you, that is OK).

My daughter is going on a boat trip and I am very scared because I feel like something might happen to cause and accident and she might die.

If she dies I will be devastated. I will also feel like I should have done something to save her and that I was not a good mother to her.
I will also (list all your pie-in-the-sky issues / things you feel here).......

I get seasick. It is physically not possible for me to attend the boat trip because I get seasick.
I am angry (or whatever) at myself because I have a physical limitation that prevents me from being in a position where I feel like I can protect my child.

My husband can't attend the boat trip because he has to work.
I am angry at my husband because he can't go in place of me to protect and keep our daughter from drowning.
But... He does need to work because he is the provider for our family.
Also he is not the coast guard and is not trained in search and rescue or boat accidents. So, he is not even the best person to go to keep her safe.

I should be the one to attend the trip, because I can keep her more safe than anyone else. Because I am her mother and it is my job to keep her safe.
Oh, wait. I am not coast guard trained either. Nor am I trained in boat safety or accident recovery.
Also, I would be sea-sick on the boat and therefore might be sick enough that if something DID happen I would take a resource AWAY from being able to protect all the kids, because they might have to focus on saving me.
I don't want to take focus off saving the kids if something happens.

It is therefore the BEST decision and I am being a GOOD mother if I stay home, because I know that a representative of the coast guard would be the best person to focus on saving my daughter if something were to happen on the boat trip.

This process has been very helpful to me. I hope that you can find something in it that will help you.

Having said that..... I totally know it's scary to imagine your kid on a boat. Drink wine!!!!!

Try and think about it this way: The ships must have a track record for safety if they are willing to take on the liability of other people's children. Teach your daughter about boat safety and listening to the grown ups in charge before the trip. Find out who the chaperones are and how many and what the plan for the day is and let her go. If they are like my son's school each little one will have an older buddy with them. As I just said in another post, be proactive rather than reactive.

My response isn't specific to the water issue, but more of a suggestion about you being an "overly paranoid parent":

PLEASE stop at your library and pick up the book, "Free-Range Kids, Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry". It is a funny and enjoyable read, but has an important and profound message. I couldn't stop thinking about some of the statistics the author quotes.

I actually felt I was being made to feel that I *should* be paranoid...by other moms, the media, whatever...and I hated that every time my kids were out of my sight I had a moment of tension. Even when they were in my backyard! So I picked up the book and it put into words what I was feeling...that kids need to be taught independence and confidence at an early age, just like I was.

Anyway, I say let her go and just manage the anxiety as best you can. Good for you that you can be logical about it when your emotions are taking over! :)

Our older son battled a degenerative hip disease from age 6 on. He was 9 when our younger son was born, & my time became limited as to my class participation. He rejoiced in his freedom!

It was a long, hard haul to learn to let go....but I am a better parent for having learned to do so. & when I say it was hard.....I mean it was HARD! Not only was I dealing with his physical disabilities, but I was also dealing with the loss of our beloved daughter during her 2nd heart surgery. As my son said, he rarely had a chance at freedom....& that was part of his teen rebellion.

Fast forward to my younger son's childhood...& what a relief it was to be free of paranoia! Scouts made all the difference for me. I learned to trust in my choices, in my son's abilities to fly solo, & to trust - not only in the other parents/leaders/etc - but also in God.

Thru active Scout participation, my younger son blossomed. By 9, he was wanting to attend Mass on his own. He served as altar boy at an early age....by his choice. He volunteered as crossing guard thru middle school. & he has always been a joiner, an active participant, & a leader.

We trust our son to make the right choices. He will be 16 this summer, & we know the toughest years are ahead of us. We are hoping that Scouts, Band, StuCo, & sports will keep him moving forward....& safe. All of his life experiences have brought him to this place in his life....& I wouldn't change any of my choices!

In your situation, it doesn't matter if it's an open water event or not. What matters is your level of self-confidence, trust, & Faith. Giving in to your own fears & anxiety.....will only diminish your child's growth. I learned this the hard way, & wish you Peace. Only you can give yourself this Gift. Please find it within yourself to achieve this!

& I want to touch upon the open-water aspect of this event. This is not the 1st time kids have taken trips like this. Teachers, chaperones, & especially the Coast Guard are well-equipped/prepared for children & their curiousity. My entire family was raised on the water....the babies owned life jackets before tricycles! I would have NO issue allowing my child to attend the field trip!

Maybe the teacher can text you mid-day "Everything's going great!" and then "We're on the bus headed home" just to ease your pain?? I used to teach and if a parent asked me to text her i'd be willing to do that for her.

another idea - can your sister go or your neice or any other chaperone?

Could you meet at the dock before-boarding, then be there when they get off the boat?

Dramamine - honesty, You need to make an appoint with the doc have them give you something and GO!
Would you prefer sea sick or sick with worry?

Well, you really have no choice, do you?!

I think it's kind of humorous that some of y'all will trust these people with your kid all day, every day, but you don't trust them with your child on a 2 or 3 hour field trip.

Your kid will fine & will be plenty of people watching her. Chill out & let her have this experience. And, please, don't project your fear onto her. Your anxiety is not her fault. I think it's sad that a parent would willingly deny their child a great opportunity because of their own selfish reasons.

Call your doctor, as you may need medication for your anxiety.

OR

Try to calm yourself and think about this rationally. You KNOW your daughter is safe. You trust the adults who will be with her. You KNOW you raised your daughter correctly and that she will follow the rules.

Relax, everything will be just fine and she'll have a fantasic time.

Let her go, but you should try Sea bands or get a prescription for meclazine from your doctor (stronger version of OTC motion sickness meds), then you can go too!

Also talk to your doctor - if you a plagued by extreme "what if's" on a regular basis there may be a medical reason.

I will say a prayer for you to get through this!

Whenever MY anxiety gets to me, I do something or think of something that calms me. I know, it sounds a little too simple, but I think irrationally when I get anxious, so it is good to know what to do...

What I would do in your situation is call the school just to hear from them the answers to your concerns. I'd also talk to my daughter about the trip, too. I'd talk to her about my concerns (in a way to not worry her), and I'd hear from HER that she will follow the rules, be careful and safe. ...and if I were you, I'd address as many concerns as I could. Get all the what-ifs answered, too! Be bold and just ASK. You could also call the place(s) that they are visiting and find out what they do regularly and in a case of emergency, etc...

Just get yourself settled with answers. that is what helps me. I've learned to not let the people that don't know why I am so concerned bother me, i just go for it anyways, at the end of it all, I'm calmer.

I had a traumatic childhood, so I'll never be totally right in the head. LOL, So I like to find a way to work with what I have (CPTSD), rather than just "deal" with it.

Good Luck:)

Don't make God too small! He will take care of your daughter. Matthew 10:29-30: "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. 30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

She will be wearing a life vest. Call the school and ask about what the chaperon to student ratio is. Talk to your daughter about water safety. Get some anti-nausea meds, some sea bands and go anyways. I would admit, I would be worried about this field trip too... just doesn't seem very safe for their ages.

Do you have a good relationship with her teacher? If you do I'd talk to her teacher or send her an email and just straight up say...I know everything is perfectly safe and you guys have done this before (b/c I'm sure they do this exact same trip every year and are old pros at how to do this the most fun and safest way possible), but you aren't able to attend this field trip and you have a "thing" about water so just to make a mom happy could the teacher just keep an extra eye on her during the trip. This way you are voicing your concerns but not in an accusatory way and that way you'll have an extra set of eyes on your kid, because believe me once you plant the seed into the teacher's mind she'll keep watch for her even if she doesn't know she's doing it. Or you could say this exact thing to another parent volunteer you know is coming. They might think you're a tiny bit neurotic ;) but really in the end, who cares!

When she comes home and tells you how awesome the trip was you're going to kick yourself for being so worried! ;) Good luck!

Haha! I'm taking my son out on the same (well, similar... same ships but a 2 day thing) fieldtrip in a few months!!! It's a really really amazing opportunity. I had originally slotted it to be the beginning of our "Age of Exploration" part of our history studies (we're still doing the field trip, but this nightmare in court is preventing me doing the actual unit).

You sound a lot like me. There is no way on earth I would have my son miss out on so many amazing opportunities... but I have an active imagination and the 'What If' poem (I may mangle it) always springs to mind when I'm in good humor about it.

One night as I lay lying l here
Some what ifs climbed inside my ear
They pranced and partied all night long
And sang their little what if song...

I make light of it in the daytime, or when my son is around. I sign the standard 'Injury, maiming, & death' forms. Then at night, or when he's gone, or asleep... I do my own 'stationary cardio' workout ;) Seriously, my heart beating that fast has to count for SOMETHING, right?

The fortunate thing is that 'familiarity breeds contempt'. When something is familiar (driving, gymnastics, school... pick a thing, anything), I'm fine. Any new thing... and it's all the What Ifs, and my mind goes straight to 'cancer'. Always worst case scenario. And then I get to have my little freak out, and grieve, and go back to normal.

I don't know that this ever ceases. Parents smile and wave at kindergarten, first summer camp, first date, graduation... and then go back inside and cry and rant and storm and picture every worst thing. We fear, and grieve, and cope.

What I've learned in my own journey so far with my son (and there are some SUPER scary things that have happened this year... like he's court ordered to spend 2 whole weeks every month with a man who almost killed him 3 times this year, twice in rage and once in ignorance, and spent months in the hospital -unrelated- and I almost lost him so many times counting is silly) is that

1) Time doesn't heal wounds... we just grow stronger

2) I have a finite capacity for freaking out... at a certain point it just becomes too much to deal with and I stop freaking out and just move forward

3) Fear is a GREAT motivational tool for planning

4) That imagination ALSO lets me see how drab his life would be without these selfsame things that freak me out (okay, the good stuff, like fieldtrips)

5) The best advice in the world is what I would tell my SON to do in my place. If he were experiencing the same fear, how would I talk him through it?

And... because I'm apparently feeling very literary today... here is a family maxim:

Being brave isn't not being afraid. Being brave is BEING afraid, and doing the right thing anyway.

((If you're not scared, you're not brave. Take birthday cake, or anything else 'fun'. If it's fun... it doesn't matter how courageous it LOOKS, it takes no courage to do something fun. And it doesn't matter how fun it looks, if it's scary to you, doing the right thing anyway takes a huge amount of courage. Bravery is a learned skill. Fearlessness isn't.))