Only One Child

I was an only child and my friends were always envious of me. You never know if siblings will even get along. (My ex-husband and his brother can't stand each other. Never could.)

When my parents became ill and passed away, I was the one making decisions and I had no one to fight with over any of it. I had other family (and inlaws) to lean on. I didn't need siblings at all. I also have life-long friends who are still special to me. If you just want one, stop feeling bad about it. I loved being an only.

You will never regret having another child, but you might regret not having one. I was on the fence for my third and he is the apple of my eye! Good Luck!!

I'm an only child and I know many this day and age who are choosing to only have one. I don't regret being an only, and the only time it ever bothered me was when I was 5, started kindergarten and it seemed everyone had siblings and many of their mothers were having babies then. It was basically a function of wanting what everyone else had. Through the years I've actually been happy not to have siblings. My husband is also his mother's only -he has two half sisters -and he has never minded it. I feel like I've gotten to choose my "siblings" in my best friends. I have a core group of 3 girlfriends, and we've been best friends for almost 20 years. We go through everything like sisters and actually the ones who have sisters are closer to our group than them! If YOU and your husband truly want another baby -and it's the two of YOU who want the baby, then go for it. But please do not have a baby simply to provide your child with a sibling! There are no guarantees if they'll ever be close or even speak when they're grown. They may be the best of friends, but you never know. I have two who are 2 years apart, and it's great, but I could have been happy with only one, and I never had the 2nd only to give a sibling to the first.

For any replies you receive telling you your only will be spoiled or selfish or not know how to get along with other kids -ignore them. They're small-minded and ignorant. The only children I know are actually some of the nicest, most well-mannered and giving people I've ever met. Most of us have many good friends and we're certainly not socially maladjusted. Also, people telling you you'll "never regret" having more obviously live in a bubble. Many, many people regret having more! So, do what you want, but make sure it's YOU and not some misplaced guilt you're getting from somewhere. Your child will not be harmed being an only child!

You have to make the right decision for your family.

As for us, we knew early on that 1 child completed our family.

She is set up financially and will not have worries or caring for us when we get old.

If you speak to her, she is glad to be an only.

We have no regrets......she is not a spoiled brat...she is a great kid, almost 16.

I've never felt guilty. We have a very strong, close secure family with open communication.

Let go of that guilt! I had my son at 39. He's an only.
My hubby and I are too Type A to have that "roll with it" attitude that more kids seem to require.
We focus on him. He's happy as a clam (He's 7). He tells us he does NOT want a baby in the house (Don't worry, buddy, because I'm 47! LOL)
His friends love to come to our house b/c they don't have to put up with younger siblings.

only you and your mate will be able to tell what is best for your family; however, food for thought: Not all siblings get along and play together, some clash like all people some are just not meant to get along. As hard as we try to make our kids like and tolerate each other they are individuals and like what they like.

I can understand the support thing, but no one can tell what is best.
Good luck making the decision.

I agree with Kelly that only you and your mate will be able to make a final decision to be at peace with this. I also see a lot of what Julie mentioned developed and is developing in my only child. I would caution you not to let guilt be the driving factor of making this decision, but rather how you both envisioned a family. Some people know they want more than one child, others are satisfied with just one.

I do have only one child, age 14, now. I always desired to have more than one child, but it just didn't work out that way (married young, divorced much later, etc.). The opportunity just has not come along and at this point I know even if I met someone and married, I prefer not to have children this far apart in age. My daughter use to really be upset about it and as she saw friends of mine adding to their families, would frequently request a sibling.

I know about the guilt...I did feel guilty that she didn't have anyone...that if something happened she will be the only one but I prayed a lot about it and received peace. It doesn't bother me anymore...I explained why it has worked out that way to my daughter...and in the last few years she has lost the desire to have a sibling.

There are ups and downs to everything and my situation is definitely different, but even though she doesn't have that sibling connection...with it just being her I've had opportunities to have great teachable moments, take time to discuss things and do things that my friends with more than one child don't have time to do with their children (understandably so). On the flip side, their houses always seem to be way more fun sometimes because of all the activity and they are learning different things b/c of the siblings they have. One is neither better or worse...just different with different demands, ups, and downs for both.

You have to get past the feeling guilty...then, you and hour husband will be able to listen to your hearts and make a clear decision. Wish you the best!

I hate the constant questions about when #2 is coming and the responses I get when I say that we are only having 1 child. Its almost comical how everyone suggests that you should have a second child so the first isn't lonely and has someone to play with. Such logical almost sounds sad for the second child--- conceived as a playmate for your first child!

I never viewed my brother as a lifelong playmate. We went in different directions whenever given the opportunity.

J.C.
I am in your position and my husband and I have decided that we will only have the one child. I went through the same guilt (my husband and I both have large families). Honestly, my husband has 4 siblings that he never sees and I have 3, of which I only regularly visit with 1. It was hard to let go of the idea of a big family for me, but since we made the decision, I am starting to see all the good things about it. We can give him all of our attention, we can focus all of our finances toward his future, we can travel easier, and so on. Having said that, you need to decide what is right for you and what makes your family feel complete.
Good luck,
C.

I'm 48, hubby's 49, and our only son is 12. No problems, no guilt. We like it better, because we can really spoil our son like crazy and help him with his studies to the max. We still play with our son too. Yes, we play video games, basketball, play fight, Beyblade, etc. Our son likes it too; because he has a quiet home to go to after school, which is really appreciated when he has a "bad day." When he wants company, all he has to do is make a phone call to one of his friends or visit them. When he comes home, he doesn't worry about his sibling wanting to play with his toys or break something of his or having to play if he doesn't want to.

Remember that you have another child, because you want one. Not for a playmate for your first child or to keep the first child company or so the first child doesn't have a "burdon" when the parent becomes a senior citizen. A child/baby is not a toy.

I really don't like the "guilt trip" people try to put on other people by saying, "You'll regret not having a child..." or "You'll regret not having another...", "but you will never regret having one." I really think that the reason people never say they regret having children, isn't always because they don't regret it. Some honestly do not regret having children, but some do. It's just not ethical to say you regret having a child, so you don't say anyting.

I think there is a lot of pressure to have children in general, but also to have more than one. It doesn't sound like you're sure that having another child wold be a good decision for your family, so maybe you could consider adoption if it's too late (biologically) and you later decide it is what you want.

I know several families who have one child and don't plan to have more for various reasons. It appears that building a strong social and familiar network can help with this perception that your child will miss having sibling support. And after all, there's no guarantee that a sibling would actually be a lifelong playmate or support person. Plenty of people have family that they are not close to and friends that they consider family.

Good luck~ it's a tough decision.

Hello - I'm also 40 with a 5.5 year old daughter. I always thought there'd be 2 kids in our family, but it didn't work out that way. Now we've definitely decided to remain a 1 child family and we are very happy about it. My husband was an only child and he has no problem with it. Yes, when his mother was ill/dying it was difficult him being the only one (of course he had me!), but at the same time when decisions had to be made he just made them. No discussions with multiple siblings, no squabbling, etc.
One thing that has helped me be very comfortable with this decision is that we do live in our hometown within 3 miles of grandparents, my siblings & their kids. So she is surrounded by her cousins all the time. This is unusual these days I know, but it certainly helps.
My mantra has been: "We fit in our house, we fit in our car, we fit in our Life". So that was a long answer to a short question, but I hope it helped. No guilt necessary :)

You HOPE for a friendship between siblings, and sometimes it happens.
But the reality is, sometimes siblings fight like cats and dogs and home becomes a combat zone until one or both of them moves out.
I have a sister 22 months younger than me and I spent my childhood WISHING I was an only child. To this day my scalp is desensitized after all the years of hair pulling I endured.
We have our one son, and we feel our family is very complete.
He sees his friends arguing with brothers and sisters and compromising between which event which parent can come to depending on conflicting activities. He'd much rather have a guinea pig than a sibling.

We figured we could afford one and I was pushing 40 anyway. God had other plans! Twins!
I have so many friends that wish they were onlys and some onlys that wish they had siblings, but the onlys that are happy as is are in the majority.

I had my tubes tied when I was in my early 30's and my single daughter was around 8 years old. She loved being an only. She was not spoiled, because I was clear about what good behavior and healthy boundaries were. We had great times together, and I knew I could be available to her in ways that would be limited if I had another child.

She did ask a few times for a little sister, but who can guarantee that even if you do have a sibling? And there are siblings who get along wonderfully, but others who fight continuously. When I explained to her what the tradeoffs might be, she was content to be an only. It was such a positive experience for her, she now has decided to stop with her only son (nearly 5 years). He's a great kid, happy and healthy.

As far as ongoing support is concerned, as the oldest of four daughters, all of my younger sisters lean on me for all sorts of support. They never are able to offer support to me or each other. There are no guarantees.

I also struggled with this, and still do to some extent. I come from a large, close family and wanted the same for my child. But after struggling with what was/is best for me and my family personally, I realized that one child is really best for us. I regret my son will not have siblings to play with, and I hate the comments and utterly unthinking personal questions people ask ("So when is the next one going to come along?" makes me cringe).

There was a really good article in Time magazine about the myths about only children, and reading it really helped me come to peace with this choice.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,###-###-##...

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. It's hard to deal with implied (or open) criticism about having an only child or the fact that some people think it's perfectly okay to ask deeply personal questions about "How many more are you having" -- but I remind myself (in my head) when I hear these questions that only I know what's best for me/my family and I have to be strong and not let it get to me. Then I say "our family is perfect just the way it is" with a big smile. Then I turn away or change the subject.

Oh please. I'm an only child and had a perfectly happy childhood no don't miss having siblings because I didn't know any other way. Having one child means you can dedicate all your resources to developing that little one.

My 8yo only has been on a campaign to get a sibling since he was 2. Until we got his puppy at age 5 it was a pretty daily thing. (Wish we'd done THAT sooner). Honestly, a puppy was a lot more what he "wanted". Someone he could play with when he wants to, doesn't have to share with, and can ignore at will. And someone who is utterly devoted to HIM, instead of an actual individual with their own wants and needs.

He's also Mr. Social Butterfly. He's phenom with other kids, younger and older, and an absolute love to adults. Also, you can't choose your family, but you CAN choose your friends. 2 of mine have become adoptive uncles to my son and he views their newborn daughter has his very own cousin... my oldest friend is his godmother. It would be roll of the dice if he and his sibling would even LIKE each other, but friends by definition are chosen.

Don't overwhelm yourself with guilt if you opt to have only one child. Sure, siblings are nice and that's what I wanted for my kids, but there are advantagey to an only as well. My husband grew up as an only, and as a child, he never was sad about this or wished for a sibling. If you got pregnant now, your kids would be 5 years apart - not playmates. My kids are 4 years apart, a girl and boy, I can't say they have been "playmates" most of the time. You could have another child and they may not grow up to be close or friends. There are no guarantees, so you need to do what's best for your family, and if that means having just one child, it is not a terrible thing.

"Rest easy, Mom, I'll be fine. If you think about it, I have not one, but three families' worth of support-our own family, the one I married into, and my best friend's family...plus lots of friends. I will be fine."---words I spoke at my mother's funeral

Don't have another child out of guilt; do it because you really want to. I was an only, and I had no problems whatsoever. Also, even if you decide to go for it, there is no guarantee that they will get along. My husband is the middle child of three, and he & his older brother are not close at all; he's closer to his younger sister.

I know how you feel-I am 39 and struggle with it too, but I have decided that 1 is it for me. I am very overwhelmed with what I have now and having to do it again with another one is just too much. The waking up every 2 hours and having my 3 year old-just the thought makes me tired :0) My problem is that I absolutely loved being pregnant, and the thought of never experiencing that again really saddens me, and regret is always in the back of my mind, but I think I will be happy with my decision.

My son is four now, and I'm 39. We've pretty much decided that he'll be an only. The primary reason is financial, but honestly, I also love my little family the way it is. You've gotten a lot of great advice already, I just wanted to mention a few things I didn't see (on the basis of a quick skim; I could've missed something) below.

1. The "science" saying that it's somehow problematic for children to grow up as onlies, has been 100% discredited. There's no evidence, via any discipline (sociology, psych, anything) that being an only child is in any way problematic.

2. Having an only child challenges you to reach out to parents of other kids. This hasn't been the easiest thing in the world for me, honestly, since I tend to be very private and shy, but I really wanted my son to have close peer relationships, so I've pushed myself to reach out to parents of children the same age, plan playdates, invite other families to all sorts of things, etc. Again, doesn't come naturally. I feel like I step out of my comfort zone every day. But by the same token, it's been really, really good for me, and of course, even better for my son.

3. As we (parents of only children) age, we have an added responsibility to get our own ducks in a row. That means living will, planning for your own nursing care *before* the fact, etc. Again, it's a headache, but I feel good about. It feels like the right, responsible way to live my life.

I hope this helps. Good luck with everything!

Mira

Dear J C, Many people have decidied to have one. You have to do what is right for yourself. Your child will have friends. My grand daughter has had a dog that her parents got for her and now that she is a teenager she has lots of friends and schoolmates. Many blessings, Grandma Mary

Hi J C,
I will admit I didn't read all of your responses so there is likely some repetition here. For that I apologize. :o)
You should have another baby because YOU and your husband want another baby. Don't have another baby just so your first will have a sibling. I am an only child. There were times when I thought it would be nice to have a sister or brother, but I certainly don't dwell on it. She may not have a sibling for support, but she'll likely have friends and/or a spouse. Please don't feel guilty. By doing what's best for you, you will in turn be doing what's best for her. Good luck with your decision whatever you choose.

I'm 36 and feeling the same...part of my issue is the guilth associated with "will I be able to love a second" and how will my first child feel? He is so attached to me and is the center of the world! Only you and your husband can know the answer. You'd really need to sit quietly and let the answers come - listen to your soul!

Our family was complete with just one child - our daughter now 11 years old. At times, I've had a little guilt about her not having a sibling. My best friend reminds me often that she and her brother have no relationship at all (his choice, not hers). My husband's father passed away last week after a long fight with cancer. It has been my husband who has single-handedly looked after his mother and spent time with his father when he was sick. When his father passed away, his sisters were nowhere to be found. They were not involved in making the arrangements or being there for his mother.

What I'm trying to say is, just because there is a sibling, doesn't mean they will be close. Sorry. Our family is perfect the way it is. We've worked very hard at trying to teach our daughter that the world doesn't revolve around her. We have been told by others she is very mature and not spoiled. She just returned from a short trip with good friends who have 2 children about her age. Upon returning, she remarked that although she had fun with the other kids (great kids by the way) she was happy being an only child.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

There are many reasons for only children! In my case, I was divorced when my only daughter was 14 months old and having another was not a viable option for me. She is now married with one 3 year old, but they are experiencing financial hardship, with no room in their small apartment for another child. These are only 2 situations. There are many. The bottom line is that you must do what you believe is best for you. It would not be wise to have a child solely to provide a sibling for your daughter. And most important of all: guilt is a useless emotion!! Make your best decision and accept it!

Hi
I know that I am a little late in responding, but I wanted to say that I am 43 and have one 12 year old son. We made the decision, (for a LOT of reasons), a few years ago to stick with one child. My husband was not happy about it, but I was firm (again, for a LOT of reasons). Literally made a list of pros and cons. I was worried, though, that I would regret this decision in a few years. I have to say, with STRONG conviction, that I am increasingly glad that I only have one. I can focus on my one child, who is healthy and happy. I have a little time for myself, and more time for my husband. Please DO NOT have guilt over one child. Just make sure that child has lots of love and attention. Have friends over for your child. Make sure that they are busy. Being an only child has its advantages. I am an only child, but I have truly wonderful friends who are like siblings. Most of the people that I know do not get along with their siblings anyway. Instead, ENJOY your child and focus your attention there! Oh, and get a dog! MUCH easier than kids, give great love, they dont talk back or go to college! haha! Best of luck!

if you're not 100% sure that both you and your husband and your child all desire nothing more than to have another child, then don't do it. You all 3 should be 100% sure no doubts. So if you're not, stop letting the guilt get you down and question yourself. Everyone's right, siblings don't always get along. I went through the same feeliongs too, I am 40 years old and my daughter is 5 years old. We started out always wanting two kids, we tried for a second child naturally for a while. But now we agree that if it's not meant to be, we are totally happy and fulfilled with just one. To think that you have to bring another life intot he world just so your child wont be lonely is really not sound logic. she has both her parents, extended family?.. friends! help your child nurture friendships as she grows up, How about a dog? We are going to get our daughter a dog sometime soon so she will have a playmate and never really be alone, you know they say man's best friend!