Child Only Child - Commiskey, IN

I don't think you're being selfish at all. In fact, before I had my son, I wanted 4 children. But now I feel the same way you do...I only want one so I can focus totally on him. I'm also an only child, and I was always social and was taught to share and give to those in need. It's all in how you raise your child, no matter if you have 1 or 10.

I wouldn't base having only one child simply out of yours or your husband's negative experience with a sibling. I believe it is very much the responsibility of the parents to help train our children in every aspect of life. I personally don't have a close relationship with either my brother or my sister but I have been very intentional about teaching my children the importance of family and that brothers and sisters can be the best friends a person could ever have. I have four children 3 girls, 1 boy, and they do have their little spats and sometimes exchange ugly words to each other but they also love each other very much. When one of them gets hurt many times (not always) at least one of the others will try to help them feel better. And the times when they don't naturally respond, I just remind them that it is good to love on the one who is hurt. After all doesn't it make them feel good when one of their sisters (or brother) responds to them in love when they're hurt. So there's my two cents (or more). Just wanted to share.

L.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting more children. It is totally up to you and your husband! You do not "owe" it to anyone else. I think that as long as you involve your daughter in playgroups, pre-school, or other social situations, you are not being neglectful at all. And, trust me, I have twins, raising multiple children is not always easy. I love it, wouldn't change it for the world, but it is often quite a challenge, emotionally, physically and financially. Do what you feel is right, not what "everyone else" thinks is right for you.

I don't see why your family and others are trying to pressure you into having more kids. It is your choice and yours alone. You and your husband are the ones raising the family so it is the decision of you two and you two alone. They should respect your answer when you tell them that you just want one child. Your daughter will not be neglected whether or not you have more children. I know of plenty of people that are only childs and they are prefectly fine. I'm only 23 but I know how you feel on not wanting to put your child through things that you have been through. I am the same way. That is everyone's natural instinct. You always want to better your child's life compared to your own. I think if I were in your position I would just tell them that you don't want any more children (if you think you might want to have more later add that but if not just leave it at the other.) I don't get along well with my sister so that is something that bothers me with my own daughter but I think I will decide in a couple of years if I plan to have any more. It's all up to you and your husband! No one else should be pressuring you.

You seem to feel strongly about having only one child. That is what you should do.

C.,

First of all, you need to either ignore people and what "they continue to say", or you should kindly put them in their place. I think it would be best if after someone says something like "when are you having you next", or something to that nature, you simply say back, "we are so excited about this (your child) addition to our family, we are really soaking it all in and enjoying every day of it". Also, if you quickly respond that you and your husband are fine with the 3 of you for now, that will shut people up. To let them know that their wants to have more than one isn't what you and your husband want right now....I think you might seem wishy washy to others, they aren't sure where you stand, so they continue on talking non-sense. And besides....sometimes they are just trying to have something to talk about....so after you let them know where you stand for the time being, move to another subject, (maybe turn it to something that makes them a bit squirmy). If they don't get the hint, tell them that if and when the plans involving conception change, that they will be the first to know.....hahaha...they might be afraid to bring it up, realizing how they have obsessed about your family.

Good luck to you, and your perfect sized family. :)

By the number of responses you have gotten so far, this is obviously a hot topic. I agree with everyone else. It is only yours and your husband's decision. I think it is a decision that you have to take very seriously, because it will change your family's life whichever decision you make. You need to make sure it is the right one for YOU. Don't worry about what other people say. Make sure you have thought of all the pros and cons of each choice, make your decision, and be happy with it.

There are a lot of positives for having only one child and a lot of positives for having more. You have more time, energy and money for one child. It's easier to do everything. There is less mess to clean up, etc. Having more than one is more the intangibles. The love you have for that child you can't quantify. Your children might be the best of friends, not the worst of enemies. I know this is morbid, but when you and DH are old, the burden of taking care of you, making decisions, can be spread among siblings. The fun that is involved having more than one, the interactions. There is a lot more pain involved with more than one-- the fighting, less time for each one.

Let me just reassure you, if you do have another, you will love the next JUST as much as you love your daughter. I know right now you probably feel you could never love another child as much as you love your dd. Your love for your dd grows, doesn't diminish.

In the practical sense, I think having one makes a lot of sense. For me, the love that comes from more far outweighs all of the practical advantages. If your sitting down and being purely logical, the decision seems to point to one child. For me, the BEST present I could give MY child is a sibling. I would totally understand if that would not be your decision.

I love being from a big family, so I gave that to my children as well. I have 5 children.

Good luck with your decision. Take a lot of thought into the decision, it's a big one. I think only you and your husband can make that decision. If you decide to have only one, be happy with that decision, don't worry about what other people say.

I think when other people butt into your personal life, they are doing it with the best intentions. They don't want you to miss out on all the good things that come with having more. Nobody should convince you to have more if that's not right for you.

Sorry for the book. Good luck with your decision. Let us know what you are thinking.

J.

C.,

I have a friend who never had children because he and his wife just didn't want them. While it's rare, I so think you do NOT need to have children just because you feel the pressure from other people. I know lots of people who were the only children in their family. It is truly up to you. Do what YOU want. I know when I reached 30, I wanted to be done having children and so you may be there as well. I encourage you...it's your decision...do what you want!

K.

Hi C.-

My 5 yr old son Matthew is an only child too. I grew up very close to my older brother and sister, and have a great relationship with both. I can't imagine my life without them, so when the sibling relationship does go well, it's great to have them. Because of this, I always thought if I ever had kids, I would have at least two because I didn't want an only child, didn't want him to be spoiled, etc.

Well things never quite go as planned. I had my first and only when I was 19, and at almost 25 years old, I really don't know that I will ever have any more. I just don't want to. I didn't enjoy being pregnant, I am very into my career and am kind of a workaholic, and at that refuse to have one if I'm not happily married. At this point in my life, I don't even have any prospects let alone the inkling that marriage will happen anytime soon.

Add to that when he is 18, I will only be 37 and still have a lot of good years ahead of me that I don't have to devote to raising babies, gaining some of the freedom I lost as a teenage mom. I can go to Florida for a week without asking for a sitter if I feel like it, and I look forward to that. It really is a personal decision, it's not neglectful in any way shape or form. If anything you just have to watch spoiling her too much!

I won't have more just to have another kid to entertain my son. That's like buying two dogs to keep each other company; twice the work, twice the mess, twice the trouble. I have a nephew who is alsmot 3 and I'm sure they will grow up very close to each other, I don't feel obligated to make sure I have someone for him to play with or another kid to take care of me when I'm old as one other mother suggested. If I need that much care I'd rather be euthanized anyway.

I may have another one, but I think the chance of that is very slim. My dad hates hearing that, but it's my life and I don't want to raise a litter of kids! Don't feel bad about your decision!

I have a 1 year old daughter (4/12/06). My husband and I are in pretty much the same situation as you and your husband as far as family goes. We have discussed having another child for the same reasons, but decided against it. One thing my husband pointed out that may help you is that when our daughter is old enough to start enrolling in activities like sports or brownies and starts school she will have friends to do things with and go places with. My daughter goes to daycare, so she is around other children. Since you are a stay at home mom you might consider joining an organization where you can expose your daughter to other children in order to develop important social skills. Places like the Y offer inexpensive child care while you work out (or just walk on the treadmill). She may not be old enough to play with other children, but the parallel play she will be involved in will help her social development.

It is your choice to not have another child and that is really nobody else's business. People assume they have the given right to give every parent their two cents but that is extremely unfair to you and your family.
You do not need to have more than one child to have a complete family.
And honestly if you were to have another child out of pressure, what good would that do for you, your marriage, or that child.
I know it is difficult to ignore others' "advice" but I think that is what you will have to do. It is no one's place for someone else to tell you what to do in regards to having children. That matter is between you and your husband.
Good luck!!! You know what they say if it ain't broke, don't fix it, which should be a simplified perspective on your situation (not to make light of it, I am sure it is extremely frustrating). If you're happy then don't change a thing!!!!

Every person must make the decision that is right for them. You are not being neglectful and should not let yourself be brought down by other people's expectations of what YOU should do. Be proud of the decisions you make and shower the love on your daughter. You deserve to be happy with your decisions...and you never know how you will feel later in life...so enjoy the time now with the one you do have.

My daughter is an only child and she will stay an only child no matter what measures I have to take.

I have had people tell me that I am supposed to have more children. I just tell them it is none of their business. Or worse yet I will tell them that I wasnt put here for breeding purposes- they really hate that :p

My daughter is 4, she is in preschool- she is social. We are getting on with our lives and traveling and I am in college. I wouldnt put our lives on hold to have another child just because people say we should.

Hey C.!
You should not have more kids just because family/friends think its the right thing to do. There are pros and cons to only having one child and with having multiple children. If you only have one child you can devote all your time to her. But if you have more children then she'll always have someone to play/be with. I come from a strange family personally:0) I was an only child until I was 18 and then my mom had my little brother. Then at age 20 I got pregnant with my first child and my mom got pregnant with my second little brother. Finally, the next year she had my little sister and THANKGOD she got her tubes tied!I love them with all my heart but its like they are my kids because anytime I take my kids to the park,Ky.Kingdom,ect I always take them.But I wouldn't trade them for anything.But enough about me! One thing you should keep in mind is that when you get older she won't have anyone helping her take care of you.That's not to say you should have more though.Deciding how many children to have is solely up to you and your husband. Hope all goes well! C.

Hello C.,

As the other moms told you, you and your husband are the only ones to decide what to do in this case. It is a very personal decision, but because you are asking opinions, I am going to be very honest with you.
First of all, please do not make the decision to have another baby depending on the kind of relationship you have with your sister or your husband with his. There are plenty of families with more than one child in which the siblings get along wonderfully or the opposite. There are plenty of families with just one child having a wonderful life with the only child..and others families with some difficulties because they have just one kid... It is something very hard to anticipate or see beforehand. Everything depends on many different factors such as: people around them, environment, school, neighbors, the way you teach your only child to be generous, unselfish or not self-centered etc....they way you teach your children to get along if you have more..Both, having just one baby and having more than one means a lot... a lot of love, patience, energy, and discipline (among others more).. I come from a family of 4 siblings, I am the youngest and all of us have a wonderful relationship..w/ each other; my husband comes from a family of 6 siblings and they argue a lot, and they have many problems..but, they are always together and taking care of each other.
Second, I do not think at all that you are being neglectful to your little daughter....never! If you have one or more than one they will have your love unconditionally, and if you just want to have one, you do not have to say anything to anybody, it is your life, your decision and you are the only one who knows how you feel having more children. If you are happy with your little daughter and you want to focuse just on her..great! if you want more children..great too!!!
Be happy and do whatever make you feel that you are doing a good job as a mom...
Good Luck!
Alejandra

i do think you are being neglectful. i only have one child and go through spells were i want another, but that is mostly because all of my friends are having or getting ready to have their second child. i love just having the one. i am an only child and do not feel neglect at all. I had a lot of perks of being an only child that my friends with sibblings did not have. i think it is you and your husbands choice of how many children you want to have. my daughter loves being an only child, and does not want a sibbling. i think that if you and your husband are happy then don't have anymore :-)

I don't think you are being neglectful..I think it is a matter of opinion....Your family should accept your wishes and move on, but that is just my opinion.....

Hey! You shouldn't feel bad about your choices in this department. It isn't everyone else's decision, just you and your husband's. There are lots of children who are an only child. I personally wanted (and have) two children. I had them close together and wanted them to be able to play together. They are now 3 and 4 and most days I'm very thankful for having them both because they play together. My daughter is the older one and she loves to play and play and play. It's nice having my son so he can help fill some playtime. The decision of how many children you want is your decision, it's what you want for your famimly, nothing else. If a second pregnancy scares you for different reasons, like how people say you gain more with the second, don't sweat it. I gained so much less with my second, didn't even show until the 6th month. Plus, even with having two kids, I don't have one single stretch mark anywhere on my body. I was told after my first one "just wait. You'll get stretch marks after your second one because you gain more".....never happened.

Hi there,
I have 2 friends who have one boy each and they tell me they only have 1 bc their relationships with their sibblings are very poor. I, on the other hand LOVE being from a large family, I have 3 sisters and a brother. Holidays are a BLAST, we are vere close, now as adults, some live in different states (one in CA) and we have decided since we are all about done having babies, as soon as they are old enough we'll all go to Disneyland together with all the cousins, then to Eurodisney in the future...
Anyway, I got pregnant with our second a bit soon - after yrs of infertility we didn't think it would happen so soon so our daughter will have a brother before she's 1. We have plp make comments on how "fast" we got pregnant (3 months after 1st) and I simply say, WE ARE COMFORTABLE WITH OUR DECISION. Althought it was a little surprise hehehe.
Anyway, I am 36 and wasn't able to get pregnant before but my DH and say w/o hesitation, had we started younger, we'd have 3 or 4. I would LOVE than. I know its a personal decision but growing old to me is ALL about my children being there, giving me a purpose outside myself to raise them, lead them and the watch them open their wings and fly. Then they'll com eback with their own kids, and I will have grandkids I am so excited. Of course my perspective is one of those that up until 9 months ago, when daughter was born, I never thought I'd have that.
I see my hubby's fam and plp become so lonely and withdrawn - antisocial. I like lively, loud, BIG lots of people, big dinners, I couldn't do just me and hubby and Mia forever and we're still considering a 3rd next yr, even tho I will be close to 38 ;)
That's my take on it ;)
Amy

There is more evidence that show having more than one child is better psychologically than having an only child, but you have to do what is right for you. I would bluntly tell people it's none of their business. If you decide to have another, great, if not, it's really not their place to voice an opinion.
Good Luck:)

Hey, I am a mother of a two year old, but my husband has two teen-age children. In the beginning I only wanted one, just because we already had two kids, but now as my son is growing up, his older siblings are more like and aunt & uncle because they don't live with us and they are only around every other weekend. So sometimes I have second thoughts about not trying to have another. I am the middle kid of 5 and I have a very close relationship with my little sister. I cannot imagine being the only child. I also have a terrible relationship with my oldest sister, we almost never speak and she doesn't come around the family much. The good thing is when our parents grow older, we will not be alone in making decisions and caring for them when that becomes necessary. It's a tough subject, and remember, your little girl is still very young and you have alot of time to "Make your Final decision". I would not have children closer than two-three years apart anyway, because two in diapers would be too much. Enjoy your little girl and if it ever feels right again, do it. I get alot of questions from my family about another child and I always tell them that I don't plan on it, but God may have other plans!! Good luck and don't let them bother you, it's your decision and it doesn't have to be made right now!!

It is your decision and if your husband is fine with it the heck with everyone else. You and your husband are the ones who will be responsible not everyone else. Stick to your guns and if push come to shove tell them to mind their own business.

You and your hubby are the only one's to decide whether or not you want more kids. I was an only child growing up but i was surrounded by neighborhood kids and lots of cousins so I had plenty of kids to play with. if people start harping you, just tell them you're leaving it up to God to decide and leave it that. If they continue, just tell then you are enjoying life as is and you want to just focus on one. it's no one elses business. besides you've got plenty of time to decide later on if you want another one...you and your hubby are both young and who knows? you might change your mind a few years down the road.

Focus on your one child and be happy. If there ever comes a day when you change your mind so be it. My daughter is 14 and my son is 2. It worked out best for us because I could focus on my daughter completely. She is old enough now that having a sibling is a blessing, not a curse. No sharing required and no hurt feelings. she doesn't need my attention so much anymore so she also doesn't have to be jealous or intimidated by the baby or the attention he needs. I really couldn't imagine having a couple little ones at a time to manage and support.

Tell your inquirers you have decided not to breed more than you can feed right now and if you and your hubby decide you can adequately support another child you will. To many people don't even consider all of that before becomming a pez dispenser for babies.

I think you should follow your heart. If you don't want to do it, then don't.

You and hubby are the only ones who can truthfully answer that question. There are pros and cons to both sides of the issues.

I am the youngest of 4 in a blended family, and truthfully, it sucked growing up because I always felt like the "forgotten" one because my older siblings were always some kind of drama or trouble. Now that we're "all grown up" though, and 3 of us are parents, we've grown closer over the years.

The positive aspects of having another child are that you will give your little girl someone that will adore her (for at least a short period, lol) The children will go into school settings already knowing that they have to share, take turns and occasionally wait for their desires to be met. Older siblings love helping out with younger ones and take on the "teacher" role quite readily. And because you and hubby both have poor relationships with your siblings, you also know how you will be able to prevent that as a parent.

I have friends that are only children, and they say it is a lonely life at times. Sure, being the center of attention is every kid's dream, but there's also no sibling there to share secrets with, to place the blame on, to get into trouble with, or to share joys and heart aches with. When your little girl grows up and has kids of her own, there will be no doting aunties or uncles to aide her and there'll be no family support system for her as she deals with aging parents as well.

It is not a decision to take lightly C., and if you're any sort of religous, I would pray on it and see what God has to say about it. There is no right answer or wrong answer to it. To the people telling you that you need to have another kid, just reply to them that if you think the time is right, you will. You are not being negletful to your child because you only want to have one, but I urge you not to use your sour relationship with your siblings as a basis as to why you should not have more children.

I am the proud mommy of 2 little boys and they have a wonderful relationship with each other. I never thought I would have more than one either, but God apparantly didn't agree with my thinking, and I'm joyful for that now.