A very close friend of mine who is married to his college "sweetheart" and has what I say is an excellent relationship with his wife! He had received a message from a woman we went to HS with, and they're had a fling I guess you could call it back in HS. After showing me the message, I knew there was a subliminal message there towards him and he instantly felt if he doesn't share with his wife that he received this, he was basically cheating! I told him, just delete, don't respond and block this girl from FB. How would others handle this? Should he even tell his wife?
Honestly, I don't think he ever sent this woman a message and I highly doubt he would! I guess I should be clearer in what the message was, it wasn't words it was a picture of something they use to share. To anyone else it would be seen as funny or completely stupid or an inside joke. But, when he saw the picture he knew, and after showing me as well, I knew this woman was probing/trolling. Why, that I can’t explain. He swore to me that he hasn't talked to this woman in 18 years or so. Perhaps she was being funny? Then again, maybe she was “putting it out there” to see how he would respond. After many years removed, however, he didn't find it funny or appropriate. You're correct, I shouldn't tell him what to do, and I realize I made it sound like I told him he should do this! However, I did explain to him that deleting and blocking her or at least removing her from his friends list would be okay. This was a couple of years before his wife anyway. I would just hate to see drama come up from them from someone else that he couldn’t control. If I were in his shoes, I would tell my GF about it and see who “we” should handle this because I am comfortable with myself and her opinions means a lot to me. For my friend, that is ultimately, his decision.
Thanks for the response so far!
YES. THe woman is directly attacking the marriage. They need to be united but I do agree to just delete and block. If she reaches out again, they should BOTH let her know they read all emails, texts, etc..
he should tell his wife and show her the message. Maybe have HER answer "hey this is Debbie, John's wife, I am happy the two of you share some special memeories but we share a marriage". If the woman keeps messaging him then block her.
Depends on his relationship with his wife, what their expectations are of each other when it comes to stuff like this. (Don't just tell him to do what you think you would do. His marriage is not yours. You're using the run-and-hide-and-just-pretend-it-never-happened approach that guys resort to. He's not married to a guy.) If he feels that he would be wrong not to share this with his wife, then he should tell her and let her tell him how she thinks that he should handle it.
I would do just what you said. Don't respond, block her as someone he doesn't know, and move on with life.
Don't create drama where there is none.
My opinion...he should never try to contact her, but I wouldn't tell the wife if nothing physical happened during the marriage. He should have some commen sense this is not healthy for his relationship.
Tell his wife. Show her and delete together.
I'm not sure what this message said, but my husband and I friends with a few people we had flings with in HS. These were not great loves or anything. These people are married or are dating someone else, so there's no worry there. If this person is trying to cause trouble or break up the marriage then he shouldn't friend her. He probably should show the message to his wife. It shows great trust and that he has nothing to hide.
Well, R. in Elgin, I guess it all depends on what the message says.....
And I would find it very odd if this woman just out of the blue sent him some "secret code" message about wanting to do something they shouldn't. Could it be your friend has been communicating with this woman? People usually don't just contact someone randomly after many years and propose "an encounter".......
How is it cheating if he did nothing but get a message he thinks may be inappropriate? That isn't cheating, that is her acting inappropriate and may or may not warrant him telling his wife about it, again, depending on what it said and what kind of relationship he has with his wife. Now, if he has done something to think he should admit he is cheating, that is a different story.
I am pretty darn open with my husband and would probably tell him if some guy sent me an inappropriate message, but that works for us. I can't say what he should or shouldn't do without knowing more details. I would tell him to simply do what he would want his wife to do if it were reversed.
I'd probably do what you say. But if he and his wife have an excellent relationship full of trust, I'm sure his wife could handle it. Most certainly if the woman finds another avenue to contact your friend, he would really need to tell his wife.
I am FB friends with lots of people from high school and college, including an ex-boyfriend. One night, he and I were chatting on FB when he said "I should have moved to AZ with you when you asked me to." which was years before when we were both single. I simply laughed and told him to go kiss his wife and kids and said goodnight. My hubby and I had a laugh about it that night, but I'm still friends with him and my husband doesn't have a problem with that.
I think you should allow your friend to handle this however he feels comfortable and not encourage him to hide things from his wife.
If everything was completely reversed - would he want to see the message? If some old HS fling had sent a message to his wife, would he want to know?
I agree is he felt she was coming onto him in any way he should delete and block her but she also tell his wife.
I agree Delete & Block.
I don't see anything wrong with u giving him advice as to what to do.
If he doesn't care if he ever talks to her again and her message truly meant nothing to him, there is nothing wrong with just deleting it and blocking her from Contacting hIm again.
If that happened to my husband and he just deleted it and blocked her, I wouldn't care. It truly means that it meant nothing to him. I mean do we all share everything about all of our past relationships? No. So why does His wife need to know about this secret message that's hidden within the picture. The other woman is just looking to see if maybe he's not happy in his marriage. If he blocks her, she will get the message, without him ever having to respond.
Speaking for myself, I would want my husband to show me the message she sent. I trust my husband implicitly so I would just fluff it off.
If he has nothing to hide then he should show her. He should then reply that he is not interested in anything and end the emails now!!!
I would look at it this way - what if this woman turns into a whack job and keeps pursuing the husband - if the wife knows about it up front, they can deal with it together! Yes, I do think extreme!! lol!!! I mean, have you seen the movie "Fatal Attraction"???
Good luck!!
What would it hurt to mention in casual conversation. I would mention it.
I would not show her the message, just do as you suggested, delete, block and than mention to her what happened and that he took care of it. She will be so proud of her hubby trust me!
Delete but no need to upset wife by telling. (And I am NOT a guy.).
