Objective Advice to a Sticky Situation

Dear M.,
I admire your desire to keep your daughter's daddy in her life, and know I would feel the same way as you, however, I think it would only be harder for her if he kept pulling away. He is obviously not interested, as sad as that is, in maintaining a relationship with your daughter. Sounds like his hands are too full with this new girlfriend's kids. What a shame that he has chosen to build loving and strong relationships with kids that aren't even his own! In the meantime his own precious little daughter is crying out for him when she sees pictures! That must anger and hurt you terribly! I hope he is paying child support!! I think you should just quietly let "Daddy" just disapear, and do the best job you know how for your daughter. She will grow up just fine with your love. It is hard to face the truth that he wants her to fade from his memory. Don't be in a hurry to date or ever feel like you need to have a man or father figure in her life either! So many women out there have raised their children with no man and that's ok. Sorry to hear what your going through, it makes me so mad! Just hang in there and I'll pray for you!

Hi M.,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. There is a similar situation in our family where my cousin and his girlfriend had a baby, and then proceeded to get into drugs. The girlfriend's parents stepped in and ended up adopting the baby, who is now 5.5 years old. Well, being that he was 2 when he was removed from his biological parents, he has always known they are his birth parents, and he still does see them at family events.

What his adoptive parents have done that I think is smart, is to sort of treat the birth parents as "crazy uncle" or whatever (you know, that relative that everyone has who is sort of wacky, but you just have to deal with them). They acknowledge with the boy that his birth parents are indeed part of the family, and sometimes they get together for family celebrations, and sometimes they don't. They have made a point of not bad-mouthing the birth parents within earshot of the child. I'm sure it's possible that later in life he will feel some rejection when he considers the situation he came from, but maybe he won't? He seems amazingly well adjusted for having been through all this already in his life. The important thing is, he's with a very stable family and will continue to be - just like your daughter is. I think kids can overcome a lot when they have a loving parent on their side.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

Hi M.,
See that your child's father pays child support. If you don't have full custody, take action to do this. Offer reasonable visitation to the father and grandparents (your terms if they are not showing any interest). This way you have done your part.
About lack of "moral fortitude", do you think his family may have felt that way about you? Don't be too quick to judge the new girlfriend. She's a mother too and maybe has been down the same road. She's not to blame for your child's fathers lack of committment.
Do you have a support system in your family? When you begin to date, who will look after your daughter? I would be very careful about dating while your child is so young. Not many people will love your child like you do.

What a lucky girl to have a mother who so thoughtfully makes decisions in her best interest... rather than just doing whats easiest at the moment.

I totally get how you may be frustrated, fed up, even disgusted with your daughters father and his family. In my opinion there are two issues at play here for you to consider.

1) A child cannot have too many loving people in her life. If your ex and his family want to be part of her life, I don't see what good can come of stopping them.

2) Biological family and loving people are often two separate groups. If her father and his family are uninterested don't make yourself or your daughter crazy begging them to love her.

Surround your sweet girl with the people who are important (the one's to whom she is important) and the rest will sort itself out.

HTH,
T.

If he is not wanting to be in her life don't push it. Also be sure that if he makes promises to do things...Don't tell her ahead of time, just in case he fails to keep his promise. You don't want to teach her to wait around for people to fail her. I say don't cut off the relationship, but don't push for him to have one with her. Save her from as much disappointment as you can. Good luck!

T.
Founder
www.theparentpack.org

Well, I have a family member who had a similar situation. What ended up happening is the biological father would only be involved with his daughter at his convenience - usually under pressure from his family - not from his own will. She has not seen or heard from him in many years now. For her situation, just seeing her father at his convenience was too painful and damaging to her. It is an individual choice that you will have to make on her behalf. I suspect you have a gut feeling about this, my advice is to follow it.

Blessings,

M. S

Hi M.,

I grew up in a similar situation. I didn't meet my father until my late 20's. Let me tell you, I am glad my mother kept him away from me, he has offered nothing but one disappointment after another. I have not been in touch with him for 2 years, and he is again trying to rekindle some kind of relationship. I have had to remind myself that not only was he not there during my childhood, but I don't need him now. I have no expectations, and that makes it easier for me to deal with.

I think you need to look inside for the strength to make a decision for your daughter and stick to it. Yes, it's important for children to have a father figure, but do you want a family/father that has no regard for your child? I think you can have friends step up to that role and guide her. Like "they" say... "It takes a villiage to raise a child".

I wish you strength in your future journey.

Hi M.. First of all, as a mother this is one of the hardest decisions that you will ever make. No one should have to go through this, especially your little girl. I was faced with a very similar situation after my son was born. His father and I seperated (we were never married), when I was 3 months pregnant with him. I gave him every opportunity and made it extremely easy for him to be a part of the pregnancy. He didn't pay much attention, went to one doctors appointment (the ultrasound to determine boy or girl) and it got worse from there. His mother became very controlling and crazy if I may use that word. He had another son at the time and I saw first hand his continuous promises to pick him up for visits, but never showing up. After my son was born I made the decision to move and sever his contact with my son. It was the hardest decision of my life but it has turned out to be the biggest blessing. My son is now 6, and I am married to a wonderful man who loves him as his own, and we have a little girl also (2). Some people think it is better for children to have an inconsistent father than not have one at all. I totally disagree with that. If he doesn't care enough to be consistenly involved in your daughters life, your daughter is in for a life time of heart ache and disappointment. Find some one who can love you both the way you deserve, and live by example to show your little one how special and valuable she is. I don't know the details of your situation but it sounds like he doesn't deserve either of you! Best wishes for you in your decision, I hope this helps.

Hi!
Please think long and hard before shutting the door in your daughter's father's face. I know his behavior and attitude are horrible right now, but don't officially cut him and his family out of her life. I say this because sometimes people do have a change of heart. If this is his only fault, then I'd leave the door open for him to reestablish a relationship with his daughter. I don't know if your comment about the lack of moral fortitude in his family is related to their absence from your daughter's life or to something else. Anyway, the high road isn't necessarily the easiest to take, but it is usually the best.

And, by all means, start dating again if you want to. Life is too short.

Best of luck to you!!!!