my mother in law is starting to seriously worry me and I do not have a clue about what to do. The biggest issue is my kids- she watches them during the day and I'm starting to question if this is still the best decision.
A little background- DH and I have been married 5 years, we have 2 DS and he has a DD that lives with us full time. When DH was previously married to DD's mother, the bio mom would drop her on MIL *alot*, and essentially MIL raised this child until I came along. In the beginning, MIL was not happy with the changes and new routines we were trying to establish as our new family, and told DD that "we're not going to listen to her today" and "we just won't tell her" (meaning me). Once, when I asked MIL to have DD use the bathroom before playing outside, cause she had accidents outside the previous 3 days, my MIL would tell her to "go to the bathroom, cause if you have an accident, I'm going to get yelled at." Let me mention that I have NEVER raised my voice to her, I will not disrespect her and will NOT allow my children to do so either. We would discuss it, and the answer I would always get was that she didn't realize what she was doing or how the kids would take that. I thought we were past that. 99 days out of a 100 she is a fabulous MIL, it’s that 100th day, she’d do something that would make me cringe.
There’s been questionable behaviors lately – she let my 7 yr old DD ride in the carseat that belongs to the 3 yr old, just because DD wanted to. Today, we discovered she lets my 7 yr old ride in the front seat, and she’s been doing that for over a year now. She knows how strict I am on safety in vehicles (I made DD wait until she was over 80 lbs before getting out of a booster- that was 3 months ago) and it’s been discussed repeatedly how they are safer in the backseat. She gave my 14 month old some of her cold (very sweet) coffee, “just because he wanted some” and 3 days later, he pushed the chair against the cabinet, climbed up and poured a scalding hot cup of coffee on himself. I’m not blaming her for that, but I do think that he worked harder to get that coffee because he had some, and it wasn’t HOT like we said it was. She blew up at my 3 yr old cause he said some toys were his that really belonged to her other son (more on that).
I could go on and on. Either it’s things she lets DD do that she knows we wouldn’t allow, or tells DD that “she would let her, but Mimi (me) won’t let you, so you can’t”. it’s really started up again in the past year. My DH’s brother is 15 years younger and is newly married and has a new baby. They live 2000 miles away and we see them 2-3 times a year. He is in the military and will be deployed in the next 4 months. My BIL (Mike) was spoiled his entire childhood and joined the Army so he could “be a man, cause he can’t here”(his words). DH and I discovered a few months ago that MIL was lying to us about them, on a recent visit, we wanted to take them out to dinner, and MIL told me they didn’t want to go and had other plans. We found out that they didn’t have other plans, MIL told them we didn’t want to see them. This happened on more than one day, more than one visit. When I confronted her, her answer was “well, I assumed…” I then showed her the exact email with her words, and she couldn’t answer. They are planning a visit here for the holidays before his deployment and I am already dreading it. Whenever MIL starts to talk about Mike’s pending deployment, she cries and falls apart. The wife is handling it better than she is.
For my entire marriage, I’ve either been instructed or criticized. My kids were sick cause my house wasn’t clean. Maybe she needs to show me how to dust. She would call me to ask if I was planning to pick DD up from school. In the beginning, I took it very personally and was devastated. It took a while, but I learned that she was really trying to help; she has no ill meaning, she just had a poor way of conveying that message. She thinks I’m way too strict on my kids (I’m not), and she tries to make it up to them. But now – seems like she’s trying to come between my DD and I, or she’s lying to me about my BIL/SIL. (SIL and I talk often and we compare notes. She lies to both of us, and she’s driving SIL up the wall too). She has to be needed, that is part of her personality. She can’t come over ‘just because’, she has to justify her visit by saying there is something I cannot do that I need her help with.
Daycare for the kids would be very hard to pull off, financially and logistically. MIL wanted to watch the kids, she offered, and I have a 1 ½ hr commute (one way) daily for work. I didn’t have a close relationship with my grandparents growing up, and I wanted my children to have that. I don’t know anymore. I stopped telling my DH everything she said/did, because I didn’t want to drive a wedge between them. I stopped confronting MIL, cause she was always “just trying to help” and she didn’t like being criticized all the time” (which I always thought was ironic, that’s what she does to me!) When her actions started to worry me (and I had proof) I spilled the beans to DH. My DH thinks its best if he talks to her, not me, but she’ll either blow him off, cry or get angry, and he’ll drop the subject. Plus, he’ll forget what he wants to say or he’ll confuse the issues, and get flustered, and then drop the subject. I personally think counseling and possibly anti-anxiety drugs would not be out of line, before Mike is deployed.
I am worried about her personally, her health, and at the same time, I am angry with her for all the deceit and drama. I am also beginning to worry about my kids. The stress of the situation is also getting to me and is affecting my health. I cannot sleep. My eating is out of control. I snap for no reason. I think it would literally break her heart if she did not have my kids to take care of, but the “what is she going to pull next” stress is REALLY getting to me. I know we have a few different issues going on, but they all intensified when BIL announced his deployment. WHAT TO DO???
do not let her watch the kids! she is making crazy decisions--cut her out!
Wow, I feel your pain. It took me about 7 years to finally convince my husband that his mom has something seriously wrong going on with her. I thought it was early Alzheimer's and sure enough, she was finally diagnosed with Dimentia. I noticed it about 6 months before my first was born. Everyone thought I was crazy and I had it out for her. I really didn't. We had a great relationship and felt lucky to have a MIL that I got along with. When she started having problems, things changed for us. She wanted to keep my son for the 10 weeks that I needed to finish out the school year of teaching, but I put my foot down with my husband. I told him it was a gut feeling I had that this wasn't safe. Of course, it was based on the odd things she would ask me in regards to babies. We went to several sessions of marital counseling. I was relieved when the counselor said that my husband needing to trust me and my mother's intuition! It was still difficult with us and noone wants to believe that their own mom is having mental issues, literally.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and let him know just how concerned you are, without any "bashing" against the mom. Express your concern and back it up with the evidence you have seen. He needs to know you are seriously concerned with their safety and well being. Ultimately, it is your husband's responsibility to address this with her. You should not be the one to have to do this.
I really feel for you. Hang in there and keep talking with your husband. It took lots of praying before anything happened with my MIL. I am sad, though, that they probably could have found some medication early on that would have helped. She is a 63 yr. old woman living in assisted living now. Too young for that. But, what did I know,right?
I wish you lots of patience with this situation!
Look, No O. is going to watch your kids EXACTLY like you would--make the same decisions, enforce the exact same rules. Caregivers (including moms and dads) make judgments and decisions based on what is going on at the time. This includes MILs, FILs and day care providers. Do you think the care would be better somewhere else? If so, then place them all in different care and pay the consequences gladly. ($$, time, comfort level)
The coffee thing was an accident. Plenty of people give their kids a bit of coffee--I'd be more concerned about why he was able to push a chair over, climb up near hot coffee without anyone seeing him do it.
Also, sometimes car safety issues are not understood by grandparents b/c it is different from when they had kids. I think it's reasonable to set rules for the car for her.
She is a mess over her son's deployment, as any mother would be.
Now that you know she lies to your SIL as well, when it comes to making plans with THEM--talk to THEM. Problem solved.
My MIL is an exaggerator and a fact forgetter and a liar, at times. Once she called our house at 10:30 p.m., yelled "The HOUSE IS A-FIRE!" and hung up. Of course, my DH rushed over thinking he would find his childhood home in ashes to find the dryer outside. Yes, the dryer was "smoking" and they called the F/D, but the house certainly wasn't "A-FIRE!" I never blinked. I know her too well. You will too, in time.
You said yourself that "99 days out of a 100 she is a fabulous MIL" so stop thinking she needs medication. Look at your reaction to her. It might need tweaking. If you are so completely stressed out, I'd say maybe you need to move them, learn to deal with the 1 day out of 100 where she bugs you, learn to let a lot of the "fluffy stuff" go, or look into some anti-anxiety meds/talk to your doctor.
I don't know if your MIL has mental problems or not, but she sounds like she might have some passive-aggressive issues, and she keeps undermining your authority. And maybe there is something about your BIL being deployed that is making it worse.
I would say that if DH wants to handle it, then he NEEDS TO HANDLE IT, and not keep dropping the subject or refuse to deal with it. You are his wife, and once a person gets married, they are to put their spouse and children first, not their parents.
It may be difficult to consider daycare, but that's what it may come to if you cannot trust her with your kids. If you feel that the kids are potentially being put in harm's way by her actions, you cannot be worried about how it will "break her heart" to not be allowed to watch them. If she wants to continue watching the kids, then she needs to respect your decisions and abide by your rules. If she cannot do that, then other arrangements need to be made. Then maybe you can start to put some distance between the 2 of you, for your own mental well-being.
I think when your kids get older, you will understand where she is coming from, when she gets upset thinking about her son deploying. It's not like he's going away to relax on a beach, he's going somewhere, where LOTS of people have lost their lives! Give her a break on this one.
I think you are making some of your own problems here and are perhaps a wee, bit sensitive. It seems as if, you are making mountains out of mole hills.
Just my opinion, but I tend to be very laid back and don't let much bother me.
Daycare providers are much more likely to follow your parenting rules than grandparents who do daycare. (I've been both, and my granddaughter got away with ALOT more stuff than my daycare kids did.) Aside from the safety issues you mentioned, your stress levels are yours to control. You are giving her the ability to make you crazy. Back up a little and take a different perspective. Always assume she has your kids' best interests at heart. She wants to spoil them, which isn't all bad. Remember that accidents happen even in the most controlled circumstances. Don't let her tell you what someone else is doing or saying without checking with them. Stick to facts, and try to leave emotions out of it. Your son can address the safety issues with her by explaining that if she can't follow a few rules, you'll have to make other arrangements, and mean it. She won't do things your way if she knows you have no other options for childcare.
The whole car seat and coffee thing I would be furious about, you're not wrong for thinking that. If she's going to take care of your children, they should be taken care of the way you want them raised. You're not even being stubborn or stuck in your ways - feeding a baby coffee and putting a child into the wrong car seat/not using one are safety issues.
There is so much stuff going on in your post that it is really hard to tease it all apart. You have a lot bottled up and I think you know it. You need to really seperate the problems from feelings. Everyone wants life to be on their terms, but unfortunately we need people and we rely on them and so we are forced to concede on some issues. You need to decide where you are willing to concede and where you must stand firm ground.
I also sense, just from what you have written, that maybe your MIL could be a little resentful that you rely on her so much. How do you show her your appreciation? I am not trying to be critical of you, but sometimes we take advantage of the people we care about the most because we expect it of them.
I really hope you can work all this out because it sounds like everyone is hurting. Good luck,
C.
I wish my MIL could watch my kid.
GL:)
All I had to read to was that she lets your 7 yo sit in front to give you the advice to GET ANOTHER SITTER! OMG-so totally unnaceptable! Seriously, yeah-they did that back in the day-kids rode in front. But the reason we don't do that now is because of the AIRBAGS that they didn't have back then. It can be fatal for a child to get into an accident when these go off. Your MIL is showing reckless disregard for the LAW and for your rules. Be TOUGH on her for this please-this goes beyond little things like feeding them ice cream for dinner. Their lives are at risk with her.
Go out and find a daycare with a preschool and use this as your reason-that you want them in a structured environment for socialization and enrichment so they will be ready for school.
One more thing-please explain to your 7 yo what happens when kids ride in front. It is OK if she is scared-she should be. I am sure you can find a video on line that will show examples with a crash test dummy. She is old enough to tell Grandma that she cannot sit in front b/c it is too dangerous.
Wow!! For a women who watches your children you sure are so stressed by her. My opinion get another sitter if she is so horrible. How old is she anyway. She does this for you everyday? 99 out of a 100 days she is wonderful? You know what she is like, take it with a grain of salt. Only have her once a week and get a sitter.
