Not Seeing Eye-to-Eye Parenting Teenage Girl

What your husband is not only destructive to your marriage but to your daughter as well. Allowing her to hide a bad grade and not have consequences, to have her feel it is you against the two of them is wrong on so many levels.
Parenting together requires very consistent, clear and united rules. If there is disruption, hiding things, mistrust and bullying behavior then you all are doomed to fail. Your daughter is not learning anything by what her father is doing!!! Nothing other then to disrespect you! You seem to have other issues with your daughter, which I too remember those bumps with my mom. Try to find resources, the school counselor even or good books to help you feel better about how you are doing things. I don't think your consequences were bad at all! I think the problem is your husband.

I would sit your husband down, hand him the book "What Fathers Do Best" a great book, then tell him that he is causing problems, big ones. He is your husband and though he may disagree with your consequences, he must back them up when you lay them down and vice versa. You all need to get on the same page as discipline and consequences and stick with it (btw I agree, bad grades no cellphone!!). Kids that feel entitled will carry that on and it can be such a disaster for them in the real world. Does he think he is doing a good thing for his daughter?

Being a parent alone is hard enough, but in order to do it together you have to be the united front. Leading kids down the path of pubertiy, peer pressure and all the chaos that goes with teenage years, if you two don't stand united you could be setting yourself up for drug use, promescuity and dangerous behaviors. It is a time of testing boundaries all over again and you have to give her clear rules and consequences if those are broken. It is helping her, not being mean!

All your husband is doing is teaching your daughter that lying is okay, that there are no consequences in life and he will regret it. Remind him he has ONE shot to do things as best as he can right now, in 3 years she will be on her own, so he better think before he does this stuff!! If he loves her, he will change his tune!
YOU have every right to be upset and I suggest counselling or therapy soon!

I am the mother of three teenagers. You are so right that it is not easy, however, I have found many great resources to support me in parenting. The book "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon has been my lifeline. I found that educating myself on parenting issues, healing my own wounding, and learning effective communication tools are what has enabled me to be in a place that I am really enjoying my children.

My hardest struggle in the beginning was allowing for natural consequences. I wanted to "make" them behave, have good grades, be successful, be happy, have friends, be talented, etc. I learned however, that they have their own paths to follow and I was simply there to teach and model. It still isn't easy when I see them making choices that I fear are going to hurt them, but I know that they are learning from their mistakes. For example, my daughter struggled for years with homework. We power struggled with her for years and it never helped. We all just felt miserable. In sixth grade, her father and I agreed to just let her have whatever she was going to create as far as her schooling was concerned. It took her about a semester and all of a sudden she started to "get it". She felt empowered and started to take charge of her grades. It wasn't always perfect and I have supported her by helping her understand how to create timelines for projects and things like that. Mostly, I support her through open communication rather than lecturing and preaching. She is now in High School and has a 3.9 GPA.

I also found that creating a strong foundation of communication with my ex-husband has been vital. It hasn't always been easy to set aside my own anger, resentments, and agenda, however, our children needed both of us to be mature enough to set aside/deal with our own issues and be parents first. I learned good forms of communication so I could listen and in turn be heard. I learned to care for and heal my own issues so they didn't interfere so strongly in my parenting.

Another tool I try to implement is picking my battles. I got cell phone plans for my oldest two that have unlimited everything so there was never an issue of overages. They contribute to the phone bills and had to purchase their own phones. If they were to use them at school and get caught, then that would be a natural consequence to me. I don't use their phones as punishment partly because I need them to have the phones.

I too recommend that you seek out help for your family. So often people hesitate to get help because of the stygma attached. They think that it means they are bad, or broken, or that other people will say things about them. The reality is that we all need support. It is so much easier to move forward with change when we can include a neutral party that can simply show us what is really happening and give us some tools. Blaming each other will only destroy what you have. Each person owning their portion of responsibility (including your daughter) and having some tools to work with could transform your family very quickly.

You asked for resources and I know many people highly recommend the book I earlier mentioned and the Love and Logic series. I am a Life Coach and work with families to address many of the issues you are confronting and would be happy to talk to you further even if it is just via email. I also know that many of the past discussions on this web site have recommended other good resources so you might spend a little time looking up some of the discussions about families, discilpline, etc.

Parenting is the hardest job on the planet and the one we are least prepared and equipped to do. I support you in resourcing youself and your family and finding what will work best to bring your family together. T.

Let your daughter suffer the consequences of bad grades. If you punish her she will just be mad a t you instead of focusing on the problem! It is better she suffers now while she is still under your guidance and safety. And if she gets in trouble for texting at school let her suffer those consequences as well. And no I told you so's. Maybe you and your husband could agree on letting her suffer her own consequences, she is old enough to understand. Have you heard of love and logic? I highly reccomend it, it will help you to create some peace for yourself so you can be a better parent. Good luck!

Hi V.,

I don't have any great advice, I just wanted to let you know I think you have a right to be upset. I do not think it is ok for your husband to hide things from you and than get upset with you when you confront him on it. Unfortunately, he is also teaching your daughter to lie and be sneaky. You are absolutely right there need to be consequences for her actions and you and your husband need to have a united front otherwise she will keep doing this and in the long run it is not going to do her any good. I agree being a parent of a teenager is very hard. However, if you do not follow through with consequences it is only going to get worse for all of you. Good Luck!!!

I think your parenting choices are just fine, but I think you and your husband need to focus on your marriage issues. The two of you need to talk about why you cannot work together on parenting your daughter. Are you having other conflicts? Why are you having communication difficulties? I would recommend finding some good marriage resources about communication and conflict management - Fighting for Your Marriage and 12 Hours to a Good Marriage are two books I helped write, but I also recommend going to www.smartmarriages.com and reviewing the excellent list of resources there.
Sometimes at this stage of marriage couples just have fallen in a rut and need to pay more attention to how they work together. A fresh look at their relationship can be helpful. Talking to a therapist can also be helpful. I will often meet with couples for just 4-6 sessions to work on communication and problem-solving skills and that alone will turn things around.
Good luck!