Not My Finest Hour... What Could I Have Done Differently?

Hi E.,
I would not feel bad because I recently posted about advice about my 3 yr old and temper tantrums. My toddler did the same thing to me at the pumkin patch, but i did not get caught up in what other people thought, and knew that I was being tested. I kept stern and said if this is how you choose to walk then Ok. I saw moms staring at me, but I reassured myself that EVERY mom has a moment like this.
The strategy I use or trying to use, is being consistent regardless of location or surrounding.Hope it helps.

No worries. My generally sweet 3 year old sometimes chooses to go the uncooperative route, always while in public, and I'm pretty sure that my own reaction is not as calm as it could be because its like I feel i've got a whole spotlight on me! Also, you could be feeling like the situation was worse than it was for this reason.

Other ideas for dealing 1) give 5-minute, 2-minute, 1-minute warnings that you are leaving. Eases the transition time. We even sing the goofy song "2 more minutes to XX time, 2 more minutes to XX time...." it helps so they are not caught off guard when you say its time to switch gears. If there is fuss, you just say "you've had your warning."

2) Make sure you have extremely firm and consistent parking lot rules. I usually say, "THIS IS A PARKING LOT, WE MUST HOLD HANDS." If my son chooses to be stubborn on this, and after giving chances to improve. I will just firmly scoop him up by any means necessary. I argue that when trying to keep your 2 kids safe, you could find a way to hold both at the same time. A good teaching moment for later for your son, "see how uncomfortable that was for you and your sister? We have to have you hold hands in the future...." I just don't play around when it comes to things that are non-negotiable. Like tooth brushing. I hold my son's head so it is immobile and get in there and get it done (after he has "his turn" I need "my turn" so it gets accomplished). What am I going to do - let my child go without having his teeth properly brushed? No - I don't find health or saftey issues things that you can let slide. Your not abusive, you are being a parent who doesn't tiptoe around issues of health and saftey.

3) If these sort of tactics do not work easily with your son, then I suggest giving him challenges like "lets see if we can march our feet over to the car" or "i need your help to find the car" etc. these sort of things work wonders. Diverts the kids attention from what they are being, in essence, forced to do to making something fun (for them)

4) While I've always been in the Chicago area, I know how you feel about being at a new preschool. For the first several weeks I felt like such an outsider even though I lived here for over 10 years! Keep putting yourself out there and meeting the parents. I'm sure we're not that different from the Ohio ones ;) As my husband said, "you need to find like one good mom friend at the preschool who can help you get better connected to the others" I'm still introducing myself and we're almost 2 months in...but its working and now I like these parents a whole lot!!

I'm originally from Cincinnati and here are some generalizations but... I think people there are harder to get to know than they are in Chicago. When I go back to visit family I'm always surprised at how few people strike up conversations or even say hi when I'm out and about shopping or exploring. My sister still lives there and she has commented that it is difficult to make friends now that she and her husband live on the other side of town. My parents' best friends all went to high school together and all my cousins still hang out with all their high school friends (and their kids.) Once you've lived in Chicago, Cincinnati can be quite a shock. However, I know you will meet people eventually. But, it may take time. I'm almost positive that the director and teacher who were slowly driving by were wondering if they should help you or if you wanted to deal with the situation yourself. Here's another huge generalization...People in Cincinnati are afraid to interfere, even if they see someone who might need help. The next time you see them, make a joke about what happened and see what they say. You'll probably get a "Sister, I can relate!" As far as what to do about your son the only advice I can give would be to carry formula or whatever your 6 month old needs to eat. That way you won't have to drag your son away from fun times in new places with new people. And, both of you can avoid stressful situations like the one you described. Best of luck to you and your family in Cincinnati. Don't worry, it will get better.

If I would have seen you trust me I would have felt so sorry for you. Of course to myself I would have been saying'"I am so glad those days are over!" Don't beat yourself up we have all been there.

The important thing is you did not give into your son. You told him it was time to leave and you left. Next time give plenty of warning you are about to leave. Let him pick one more thing to do before you leave. If you see he's heading for a break down talk to him. Explain to him that the only way you can do these special outings is if he leaves nicely. It may take time but he will get there.

I don't use a Baby Bjorn, I use a more secure carrier and when a situation like this arises with my 31 lb 22 month old, I pick him up. I've learned how to manuver both of them. Don't beat yourself up though, it's tough! Also, maybe if you just re-grouped and sat down with him. I know for me I can get completely wrapped up in what needs to be done (like getting my 7 month old fed) that I forget to really listen to my toddler, sometimes it's all they need, just to be heard. Maybe it would help to get down on his level and really talk to him and listen, an extra 5 minutes won't hurt the baby.

Hi E.,

I totally feel for you. You had what I call a "crazy mom moment" - any mom being honest has done what you did today and felt bad. Don't beat yourself up. I saw once in an email about parenting: "Before I had kids I would see a mom yelling/dragging/fill in the blank her kid and look at the mom and think she was crazy. After I had kids I would look at the mom and think what did that kid do to make her act crazy." You probably feel even worse b/c he fell. Not your fault - it just happened.

I'll be interested to see what other moms suggest. My girlfriends and I trade crazy mom moment stores and laugh - you feel terrible and wish you'd handled it "better" - normal for any mom.

Chicago was a big adjustment for me when I was single...I can't imagine doing it with kids...especially when they make you look bad...ha!

My 3 year old son pulls the same behavior! Don't feel too badly... I've reacted the same way on many occasions! If those women were staring at you, then they have forgotten what it's like to have a toddler and an infant to deal with at the same time!
Anyway, my husband and I have had great success when we just say that we're leaving and start walking away. Our son usually starts running after us because he obviously doesn't want to be left behind. It eliminates all the drama. I don't know that I'd feel comfortable doing this in a parking lot with cars around (safety) but at parks, malls... it works very very well.

Quite honestly, what's more important - being consistent and following through with behavioral expectations for your son OR not having other mothers stare and judge? That's an easy question to answer, so don't be so hard on yourself! Besides, they have kids and I'm sure their little precious angels have done the same exact thing. If they were judging you, shame on them. If they weren't I bet they were thinking "oh my, I feel so sorry for that mom!", because when I'm out in public and I see children terrorizing their parents like that, I am definitely empathetic.

From my perspective, it looks to me like you did the right thing. You didn't give in to his tantrum, you gave him fair warning that you were leaving, you didn't change your expectations because of his meltdown.

So give yourself a big pat on the back for following through with what you believed to be sound discipline! There are other mothers who would have crumbled under the pressure and given in to their kid's tantrums just to 'look good' in front of others. Your child will be better-behaved in the long run due to your consistency.