Not Happy in Relationship

I was in a similar situation, and I made the tough decision to move on. My daughters were 6 and 3 at the time, and I hated to rock their little worlds, but I knew I was doing the right thing for all of us.

It has been 3 years, and I've neer regretted my decision. My ex has continued to choose alcohol over everything else, so my girls haven't heard from him in 2 years...nor has his family or friends. While that's unfortunate, it's far better than letting his alcoholism affect us on a daily basis.

The bonus: I'm now engaged to the most wonderful guy ever. He's a great father to my girls (as well as his own children). We share the same values, interests and dreams, and I'm happier than I ever imagined. Most importantly, my girls are happy, and they're growing up in a loving, supportive, respectful environment.

Stay strong.

H.. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Life is too short to be unhappy in a bad relationship. There is someone out there for you who can give you what you want in a relationship. Don't settle for less!!!!

D.
Plainfield, IN

No one can love a child and take care of them as your own father or mother can. There is no replacement for a parent. As far as - you have to a certain level bear and grin the consequences of your actions. It is not like you do not know this already and have not experienced this. If you really cannot find in your heart to love this man and find any good qualities in him worth being married- then you should let go immediately and work out arrangements w/ him to let him be a part of his childs life. No point living a lie. You and him have to be responsible parents/adults for the sake of your child. You do have to put the child first- its thier future that matters the most and everything you do, say, act out affects them. You will see the affects of your life on them usually around the age of 5 or so. The ultimate decision is yours. You need to be honest w/ your self and your other half completely for the sake of your child. You have to someday give the child a reasonable explanation. Having children means also making sacrifices and being happy;finding your happiness w/ what you have. No other person can make you happy. Only you can!!!!

Hi H.! Your feelings right now remind me a lot of myself. All you two are doing right now are kicking one another while your both down about your relationship. When I got to the point that it was just completely bringing me down for my daughters sake and my own I left! Where mothers who put are children first and need to realize that putting ourselves first is best for them. Happy mommy makes a happy baby. He is her father and you need to trust him with her(unless her safety was at risk). It was really hard for me at first to leave her for her first overnight with her dad but I knew he loved her and would figure it out on his own. What do you mean when you say his family is wacky, be more specific. 4 months after leaving I got back on my feet on my own and established a life with my daughter I love. Her father and I maintained a good relationship for her with it's ups and downs. When I questioned whether I loved him or he loved me was finally answered thru the seperation. We missed one another and he came back begging on his knees. We now are still great parents while working on our relationship by going out on dates and spending qaulity time together as a family. We still live seperately(my choice)but I know he loves me and I feel the same. We were only together 3 months before I got pregnant! My daughter is now 19 months old. Seperation is the best way to figure out your life and whether or not you want to do raise your daughter together or seperate. Stay strong and do it while she is still a baby!

Hi H.,

I commend you for changing and making a better person of yourself and therefore giving your child a much better chance at success in her life.
I've been where you're at, we didn't have a child but we also met partying. A LOT of things happened that when I changed, I couldn't let go of.
I married him and were married for 4 years. But one day I realized it was a big mistake, I was 28 and knew it was time for me to move on and make a life on my own.

Now I am married to an imperfect man - for 7 years this October, we are compatible. We walk towards a common goal, we aren't together cos it's comfortable, with my ex we were together 10 years!!! It "felt" comfortable.
It's a shame for your child to have a divorce, I hate it, but that's better than a man that isn't quite setteping it up as you'd like, that you do not love.
Stop feeling guilty, why do we as women feel "obligated" to a man! You know men will usualy just walk away.

Last, you can't change the past, we all know that, you can't erase it either. My ex did unforgettable things I "pretended" to forget. But later after years of marriage, they ate at me and ate at me and being a woman of self-respect and dignity, I couldn't bare what I knew, what EVERYONE knew had gone down... His late nights, dissappearing, his drug use, his BS, period.

I am sorry you have to make this decision with a child involved, it would have made it much harder for me too, but looking at my life today I say, what?? Oh that is what I call "My Past Life" its nothing but a vague memory .... On with life! ;)

What a popular topic..I guess it's comforting to know you (we're) not the only ones. Looks as if you have a lot of responses to read so I'll attempt to keep it short.

I'm in the same boat with ALL that you've mentioned. I'm still with my daughter's father, we're "cool", but together we're poison. He wants to "work it out", but isn't willing to actually work for it. My mind's made up...I'm moving on.
He's still a friend and will always be in OUR lives so I respect him enough to tell the truth. He knows my position. I just graduated, he's due to finish soon. Since he supported my degree, I'm supporting his as long as he's focused. We'll have equal footing when we split and OUR CHILD WILL BENEFIT. I don't care for his fam, but I've come to learn that I was (maybe still am) unfairly taking my issues out on them even though he agrees many of my concerns are valid. I resent the whole situation and that my fam lives out-of-town. But, I have to deal, she loves them and they love her. SHE BENEFITS. With that said, do your research (try divorcehelpforparents.com), formulate a plan that's truly fair and BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Acknowledge the change in your life, then FIX IT.
You'll be happy to know that you're doing what's best for all involved (even if he doesn't see it that way). Maintain a working relationship with him as best you can so your daughter doesn't lose what she's come to know as her daddy and she doesn't lose what she needs most...a happy mommy.

Not so much advise as just opinion. It would me more harmful down the line for your daughter to think that the way your relationship is, is the way it is supposed to be. Would you want the same for her, because how you are is all she will know. I don't, however, think you should keep her from her father; unless of course you feel he would be harmful to her. Good Luck.. life does NOT get any easier from here!!(hopefully a little happier though!!)

Honey, styaing with "the father" is not going to make the situation any better. I know it seems cruel to keep your baby away from the father...but sometimes, it's best to create a better life for your child. My mother was not married when I was born. She never put a father's name on the birth certificate, so when she met a wonderful older man, we became a family. She's not regretted it, and I've had the happiest life ever.

Do what's best for your child. It's hard sometimes and some people might disagree. But, if you know you are getting into a bad situation, then you know it won't get any better.

Best wishes to you! Will be praying for you.

H.,
My advice would be to not stay just out of obligation. If you truely have your mind made up then you will eventually leave anyway. If you can do it on your own then I would say go for it.

As for when he has her, if you live in OH, if you were never married to him then you automatically have sole custody of your daughter and can tell him when he is allowed to see her. YOu can file for child support in the county you live as well. It is a fairly simple process. If you think you can talk to him about your concerns then try. Once you are gone there is only so much you can do when he has her.

I had a similar situation and ended up leaving my boyfriend 2 weeks before my DD was born. I was also very concerned about him having her bc I did not trust him. I had seen him with his other kids (from prev marriage) when we had them every other weekend. He was an alchoholic and not a good parent and I was concerned. Anyway, I did it.

Well let me know if you have more questions that I can answer.

Good luck!

K.

You're young, not married, and have a wonderful life ahead of you. If there's a guy in your life that you're not completely happy with, then it's time to be on your own until you find one that makes you happy. It stinks that he's the father of your child, but when your daughter is older, one of the important things you will be teaching her is love and relationships between a man and a woman. She needs to see you in love with a man, not just barely standing one. So, think about that, and if it's a real worry with her staying overnight, you can always find a cheap or free lawyer and try to see if he wants to sign off his rights. You never know, with the circumstances under which you too hooked up. Maybe he's not really ready to settle down yet to be a father.

Get out now before your little girl knows the difference. I was pregnant at 22 (married for less than 6 weeks before the pregnancy), and divorced by 25. My daughter has never known anything different other than mom and dad are divorced and it has never been an issue. In fact, she has said to me many times "I can't imagine you and dad married, and I like it this way" (she is 18 now!) On the other hand, the children of our friends (I am re-married with 3 other children) whose parents divorced when the children were 10, 11, etc., are angry and upset a lot. If you KNOW it is not going to work, don't wait until you have become angry and resentful and then make a change at a time when your daughter is going to become angry and resentful as well. You're still young and can find a good guy that you love (no hurry). By the way, hurray for you for being such a loving mother and taking the steps to ensure your future by furthering your education! Good job!!

The hardest thing is the RIGHT thing......not the comfortable thing. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO...for you AND for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking she should "settle" for a relationship that is comfortable? Realize children learn what they are exposed to. What do you want her to learn about relationships? She'll thank you for it down the road and you'll be SSSSSSSSOOOOO much happier!

I totally understand what you are going through. I had two kids with my ex husband. The relationship was always rocky, but we got comfortable. We were married for 7 years before I finally left. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I ended up meeting the man of my dreams. We have been married 3 years now and I am so happy with him.

When I left my ex, my second child had just turned a year old. I was still nursing her as well. Thankfully, my ex was reasonable and didn't insist on overnights until she had weaned and was almost 2. I think the courts will side with you since your baby is so young if he won't be reasonable about it. Good luck! Expect things to be rough for awhile while you both adjust and go through the grieving process. Hang in there and you will likely find what you are looking for.

Are you sure that you don't love him? Are you sure that he doesn't love you?
Maybe you just hit that point when your relationship needs spicing up, you need to fall in love with each other again...Your baby is only 9 months old. Maybe you are both overwhelmed with new responsibilities, with new life...

You said that you have so much resentment..I have been there. It is a vicious cycle, and it is hard to break it, but if you still have feelings for him, and he has feelings for you, you can work it out. It would take a lot of patience because you would need to break that cycle of arguing, flash backs, resentment, and so on, but it is worth a try.

Now, don't get me wrong...I am not saying that you need to stay out of obligation. I am just saying that you need to think it through. Maybe it is the right guy, but you both are unable to find the way to work out your differences and issues.

Hi H., I can't decide which question I should respond to first.....yes 2.
How and should you leave this relationship ?
Or will your child receive good care whether you leave or not ?
Whether you should leave him or not is up to you........You must decide if this is really what you want for yourself !
As for your child and care.......Whether you are with him or not - He is still the Father and will still receive visitation rights. Which means your child will be a part of his life and his families life whether you are a part of his life or their life.
Sounds like you are caught in a catch 22. Take your time and research all your options to find your answer.
Goodluck and May God Bless You.

Staying together is probably not best for your daughter. It might be best to consult a lawyer (and maybe a therapist for you daughter to find out how to handle the situation best for her) and have the lawyer and courts help you with custody matters. The mom usually gets the majority of the custody and if you have legitimate concerns for her welfare you can bring that up with your lawyer. I can imagine how tough this would be on you, as mothers we want our children with us 24/7. I've not been in your situation but this is probably the course of action I would take. Hope this helps!

H., It sounds like you have definitly put alot of thought into this relationship and how it will effect you child. Have you sat down and had discussions with the father? I think communication,whatever the outcome is, is so important. Just because you relationship might end doesn't mean his relationship with your daughter has to end. There are always options. I was intersted to know that you are in college and getting your education, I think that is fantastic! As a cosmetologist you may be interested in what I do part-time to bring in some extra money. I represent a company called BeautiControl. We specialize in Skincare, Spa Products, Cosmetics. The products are awesome and affordable and something you could probably easily work into your establiched client base. Not to mention the tax benefits of having a home based company are great! Visit my website www.beautipage.com/jenniferfriedl or call ###-###-####
I hope to hear from you soon!

Hi H.,

congradulation on going back to school and for protecting your child.

Even though you said the two of you went to a counselor, perhaps it is time for you to go to one on your own. He/she may provide the tools you need as you are becoming stronger in this process. There are many programs out there on a sliding scale so even if you only can afford a bit they are available.

Be gentle with who you are and you are still growing up yourself as we all are.....this won't happen overnight.

blessings and prayers to you.

H.,
I don't really have a whole lot of new info for you. It is nice to know that you are not alone in this and that you are not the only one that this has happened to. I, too, was in the "party scene" when I found out I was pregnant. That is what it took for me to turn my life around and become the person I always was deep down! I completely understand you not feeling comfortable with letting the father have unsupervised visits. I was the same way. I would come home and BAWL!!! But, the only thing (and best thing) you can do is to pray for your child's safety and to NEVER say anything bad about her father. Trust me, that is NOT easy!!! I STILL have teeth marks in my tongue!!! Now, I was "lucky" in a way. My son's father died of an overdose when he was 3. My son is now 8. There are still stories that come up every once in awhile that chill me to the bone of what went on while he was with his father. But, God protected my son not only physically but, mentally and spiritually as well. He can look back at it and question the judgement of his father. My husband adopted my son the year after my son's biological father died. We have no contact with his father's side of the family and I couldn't be happier! You need to do what is best for you AND for your child. It was SOOO hard. I know! My son's biological father was STILL suggesting that he was going to propose to me AFTER I was engaged to my husband! Then, was asking me to leave my husband once we were married! I had notified the city police of where and what day I was getting married and that I was scared that he would show up! Trust me, THE BEST thing you can do for yourself and for your child is to do what your heart is telling you to do! Your job is to protect yourself and your child with all you have! I will pray diligently for you because I know how hard it is to be in your shoes! If you ever want to chat or anything...please don't hesitate to e-mail me!

I'm sorry I really don't have anything to offer in the way of advice. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I'm thinking of you during your difficult time. You have support here. Should you need to talk or let of steam, contact me. Shannon

i think sometime we as women feel like we have to stay with our childrens fathers but we dont if your mind is made up why cant you have some happiness i believe that if he really was ready to go he would in a heart beat you have to love yourself first and know that you will be okay and doing so you have to be there for your daughter i did it and it was the BEST thing that i could have ever done dont stay because you might be comfortable to dont stay cause you feel obligated to him you dont your obligation is to you and your daughter he's not your husband

I just got out of a 17 year relationship that I too was unhappy in for a long time...the past 8 years. I too was staying because of the kids (I have three with him)and I was comfortable and concerned that the kids would not be cared for (my ex's family is the epitome of wacko!). DON'T STAY! I must say these past few months after the divorce have been the most peaceful and relaxing. Even the kids have made comments to me about the change. Find yourself a good attorney and move on. The court will see to it that your daughter is cared for or otherwise there will be no visits. I must say that you will have to keep a very close eye on things also to make sure. You are far too young to waste away your life with someone you do not love. You deserve peace of mind and a relationship with someone that takes your breath away, someone you look forward to coming home to or coming home to you. It is even better that you are not married, no divorce to go thru. If there are issues that have gone unaddressed after three years don't expect them to be resolved. My ex expected me to "just get over it" after three years and didn't know why we had to discuss things because it had been so long. Do not waste 8 years like I did, it simply is not worth it. I wish I had someone kick me in the rear and tell me to get out sooner. There are really some good guys out there. We just happen not to find them the first time around. Best of luck to you

H., just reading your story gives me chills. I am in the same spot. However, I am 26, a mother of two of my own plus we care for three others. I am terribly unhappy but don't know how to leave or go. There are so many resources available so you just have to get the will and strength to go and if you think you don't have it, look at your child. That is all the strength you need. If you don't do it for you, do it for her. I know first hand the affects of a messed up relationship on children as if affects my kids everyday. True love exists somewhere and for now just focus on you two and it will come when you least expect it.

As far as him taking her without you around, girl, Im a control freak and can't imagine someone having my kids without me. Maybe just wait til he shows some signs of being an appropriate parent.

Best wishes to you, keep us posted.

I was in a similar situation with my daughter but I was married. You should be happy that you aren't married yet! Your daughter deserves to have two parents that love each other to raise her. You don't want her growing up thinking that the relationship you have with your boyfriend is normal, do you? You deserve to be happy and to have true love in your life. Just because you had a child with someone does not mean that you have to stay with them. My daughter has a much better life now than she would have ever had if I would have stayed married to her father. The idea of leaving your daughter with him overnight is terrifying, but he may not even want that responsibility. That is something that you can talk to him about. When you are done with a relationship, you are done, and it sounds to me, my dear, like you are done. There seems to have been too much irrepairable damange. It's time to move on. I hope I helped a little!

hello H.!
ok i knw its hard to do but you have to give him a chance to take care of her with out you. if you want to leave him then you need to do it now before things really start to get harder. what is it you dont think he will do right? ok with my soon to be husban, i dont like his family much but i have to get over it so she can know them to. its only far! i dont really know him or the family so you really just need to use your best judgement. is he a ok father? if not a great father! pay attention to how he acts around her. what is it that makes you think he wont take care of her? if he is that bad of a father then you could make sure he doesnt see her, BUT ONLY if he is really that bad. by all means im not one to jump to taking the child away from a parent. well good luck! i hope i helped!!!
P.S- ok i dont think you will need to get a consulor for your daughter, she only 9 months old! maybe when she gets older, but not now!!!

Congrats on the baby and on changing your life around. Both are not easy to do!
I was in a long-term relationship that ended in a marriage. My husband was a good guy, we just were not in love. After being married for 2 years I made the decision to end the relation. It felt bad, wrong, selfish etc etc but I also was finally able to breath. It truly was a hard decision to make, but it turned out to have been the best I've ever made. I am now happy and discovered true love (I didn't even think it existed!)
Of course only you can make that decision. It is my personally believe though that it is better for your daughter to have a happy mom than to live with 2 (unhappy) parents. I know there are people who believe that it is better for a child to live with 2 parents no matter what but out of personal experience I can tell you that it is not a good feeling if your parents stay together "for the kids" rather than being happy.

Good luck!