Newborn advice/Help

There is no way to "spoil" a newborn. You didn't mention exactly how old he is, but if he is younger than 4 months or so, don't worry about spoiling him. At such a young age, he only needs to know that his mom and dad will be there anytime he needs them. He's way too little to be using crying to try and manipulate mom and dad.

All I can do is share my experience. I, like the other moms, feel that it is hard to "spoil" a newborn. I was a very stressed out newborn mom, the first 2 times. I have 4 now, from 20-5 yrs old. First 2 are girls, second 2 are boys. I think with the girls I was inexperienced and afraid. They cried alot and I held them alot. I was not very creative with keeping them occupied either. My babies were exhausted and so was I. They continued to sleep less and less and fuss for me to hold them more and more. Both of them, at around four months, my doctor told me to put them in their cribs for naps and bedtime and let them fuss. Go in after 2 min, reassure them (without picking them up or turning on lights) and walk back out. Then go 4 min, go back in and repeat for as long as it takes, stretching out your time. He assured me this would go on no more than 3 days. He was right on every count.

Basically what starts for one reason, continues for another. You are giving your newborn security that they need and you only get this time for a few months. They do however quickly get use to it and no one is getting good sleep. They were eating more than they need which was causing upset stomach...for mine sometimes they would fuss even when I was holding them, just not as much. I thought maybe they were still hungry(nursing you can't really gauge).

The goal, in time, is that they know that they can be seperate from mommy and be ok because mommy will return. But not just yet.

Sometimes it becomes a habit that you need to break. My doctor told me by 5 mo they eat enough during the day that they should not be getting up for night feedings. If they sleep more than 8 hrs they may get up for one. (Of course this was my babies and they were big babies that nursed plenty throughout the day) This is true for formula fed babies as well, because formula digests more slowly.

As for now. You can buy therapedic pacifiers online that look like a pinky finger, the whole pacifier is silicone (I think it is silicone) anyway much more like human skin and easier for baby to keep ahold. When my newborns would fuss and they had their needs met and still they cried I would turn my hand, palm up, and let them suck on my pinky finger (can't have nails) right to sleep every time(this provided the sucking but they were not getting unnecessary food to try to digest). (Some people think that is weird, and that is ok)...just some ideas. You can google it...not sure what you will get but I know some famous moms have done it. You can also try Le Leche League website, not sure what you will get there either. My sister is a massage therapist, and she worked miracles. I would also encourage infant massage classes in your area. They will teach you how to calm your baby when fussy, massage when they have stomach upset and so many other great things. Try wrapping your baby up tight like they did in the hospital. (Mine would fuss at first, but when I put them down and turned on the sound machine they were out. I also used a wedge under their crib to prop them up a bit. There are items that you strap to their cribs now that are light shows with music operated by batteries so they won't shut off. Remember whatever you try they will not go off to college doing. So what, if you get a quiet shower because they fall asleep to the vacuum. Yes that is the only way one of mine would let me get a shower in when she was a newborn...then I was good through the blow-drying as well. She also took a nap while I prepared dinner to the oven vent. And it had nothing to do with noisy siblings etc. that is just what she required for the first few months. You can always use a Snuggly to tote your baby around with you. At about 14 wks it was gone. She was sleeping in her crib just like the doctor said she would. She was a bit more stubborn than my first. She actually had me up 2 nights in a row back and forth every few min. And...every time she got sick we had to start the process over. We really are training them. That is our job, to give them structure that they can count on and feel safe and secure. Running to their every demand and always on a roller coaster is not security...and the sooner you train them the safer they will feel knowing what to expect from their parents(or any caregiver they may have)...who absolutely need to be on the same page with how you respond to your childs needs. Still I think newborns are an exception. You try different things to get some free time but it still may not work tomorrow. It is just 3 mo of experimentation for some. And no one could ever convince me there is any value in letting a newborn cry.

Most importantly, you need to feel confident in being that babies mommy, and you need to get your rest. If that means stealing naps when they do, because they will take a nice long nap with you beside them, then do it. Use the support system around you to get some down time. If you don't have one create one. Remember this is only temporary. Whatever you choose to do, make sure it is consistent so that they get use to a routine. My 2 oldest, I gave nice warm baths and snuggled in the rocker to nurse just before bed every night...unfortunately for me this is after I had exhausted my other options...that appeared to be what they wanted. I would hold them and try to put them down, when they fussed I would pick them up and try again. Hold them until they fell asleep, put them down, until they fussed. My doctor said to busy them, relax them, lay them down awake and go. For me that was bath, snuggle and nurse with lights low, and to bed. I did that from the beginning with the boys with some alterations. I should say, however, that I slept with my babies at bedtime (ease of nursing) and they slept in cribs for naps. This was true until they were 3-5 mo old, then to their cribs they went.

Finally, all newborns are different. My last 2 were angel newborns. Loved to be held, loved their beds. Usually only fussed when they needed something. Looking back, it may have been me in training, I was a pro by then...and if you are a first time mom don't be afraid to experiment...they won't break, go off to college remembering how you let them fuss a few times or need cows jumping over moons on their ceilings and Mozart to sleep forever. They do, however, have an uncanny way of sensing us. Get the time and revitalization that you need, you will be doing your baby a favor.

You can't spoil an infant with love and attention. It's what he needs, and the more you let him know that you're there for him the less clingy he will be later. This is the time to let everything else slide and focus on him. It may help to get a sling or fleece pouch (www.kangarookorner.com is where I got my pouch and I used it with two of my little ones and love it). That way he can be close to mama and you can get a few things done. Enjoy this time with him and hold him! It won't last forever and it's what he needs from you. Congrats on your new little darling!

This is hard to answer as I don't know how old and if you are talking about always putting him down or just for bed. First off I don't think you can spoil a baby, however there are times you need your arms free. Put him down on a playmat with you there playing next to him. Then as he gets comfortable, mabye you move away a little or leave the room for 2 minutes and then come back. Get him used to not always having to look for you. You can talk or sing as you are away from him. For bed time I believe it is IMPORTANT for them to learn to sleep on their own. At around 4 months I started following the "Ferber" method. This is putting the baby down for naps / bed and leaving while he is still a little awake. Then if he is crying I come back in at 5 minutes, wind up his mobile, say shhh and pet his head and leave - fast. Don't pick him up. Then I come back in 10 minutes later, then 15 then 20... Every child is different in how long it takes for them to cry it out. The first 2 or 3 times is torture - no lie - I usually do it at naps because I can handle it better with a smile than in the middle of the night. But the results are amazing. Baby's need to find a way to soothe themselves and this helps on car rides and playing at home and middle of the night wakings. Honestly - it works and it's worth it. Just know in your heart that the baby is fed, clean, and comfortable. Some people are opposed to the Ferber method - you have to do what feels right to you - as with everything. A little bit of crying is ok. Good luck!

First of all, i dont think you are spoiling your new baby by holding him to much. But having said that, he does need to learn to comfort himself at an early age.
I have 3 boys, so I have gone through this befor. He may be crying for any number of reasons like, acid reflux. Have you tried sitting him up in a swing or bouncy chair? Sometimes they just want to be sitting up.
I do think it is important after a few months to let him cry a little, and see if he stops on his own. You will not always be able to pick him up everytrime he needs you.
Good luck!

Personally, I don't believe you can spoil a newborn. According to a lot I've read, the more you respond to your baby's needs, the more secure and independent they will feel and behave in the long run. Some babies are just more demanding than others, I think. Also, just imagine being so small and helpless. I think babies must have an instinctive sense of the safety(from predators, cold, etc,..) in a parents arms. If your baby is in need of your physical reassurance, I would highly recommend getting some sort of baby carrier or sling to wear the baby in. That way the baby will feel secure, and you can get something done. I really wouldn't get concerned about reinforcing bad habits until around 6 months at the ealiest. Best of luck! T.

My son was the same way we were finally able to put him in his crib now with no tantrums at about 13 months old and he is 16 months old now. We used to have to hold him all the time for him to get any sleep. We figured at 1 year this had to stop because all of a sudden we could not get him to fall asleep in our arms without 2 or 3 hours of singing and rocking etc. so we finally started to lay him in his crib and sit in the room with him, but do not make eye contact, they will play on your sympathy.I thought this was weird too but it did work. Most people say it take 3 or 4 days, it took two months, but it worked and it's wonderful. Just slowly every night sit in the room a little closer to the door eventually you walk out the door and they're fine...
hope this helps...

You can't spoil a baby. Some babies just need to be held more than others. It's okay to hold him! Get a sling or Bjorn and wear him around if it's starting to interfer with your day. Try and get him to lay by himself for just a little bit every day so he starts to get used to it, but he was cradled, snug and warm and safe in your womb for 9 months, it's kind of a shock to have to be by yourself all of a sudden after birth! My aunt has a really neat fabric sling that really cradles the baby and keeps him close to you. I'm going to get one for my next baby. It's okay to hold your baby, it's okay to cosleep, for sure for the first six months. But don't let people tell you you're spoiling your baby. You're just taking care of his needs. You're building a bond with your child and that's a good thing!

I read a book titled The Fourth Trimester. It basically said that the first three months should be considered another trimester i.e. hold and "spoil" your baby all you want. They are so new and don't feel comfortable in the environment. However, at four months start letting them adjust on their own more. You will be suprised at how quickly the little angel learns to manipulate you and your partner. Something else my pediatrician said, there has never been a baby that cried himself to death. As cruel as it may seem, sometimes you just need to let them cry it out. Overall trust your gut instinct. Hold him if you want to, or put him down in a safe place. And I am sure I don't need to tell you to never shake him. If you are feeling angry at his crying, stick him in his crib, shut the door, and walk away for 10-20 min. He will be okay.

You can't spoil a newborn. I think a newborn should be held/picked up whenever they cry, regardless of the reason or length of time. I held my newborn a LOT and carried him in the snugli when it got to be too much or I couldn't get anything done. Once they are about six months old it's okay to let them cry a bit, but before that, they aren't doing it for behavioral reasons or to "get your attention." They are doing it because they are babies, and that's what babies do. I'm sure some moms would disagree with me, and it may not be practical for you, but I think newborns shouldn't be allowed to cry for any length of time.

From every perspective, developmental, physiological, psycologial, etc., it is not possible to spoil a newborn. Babies cry because they have some need, and needing physical closeness is just as real and important as needing food or a diaper change. Hold him, you'll both feel better. I always held my children a lot, despite any comment of spoiling, and now people comment on how mature and self confident my children are. I believe confidence develops when children can count on their family and home to care for their needs, and that begins in infancy with holding babies when they need to be held.

J., misdirection seemed to work my kids. All babies like to be the center of their parents attention and will resist being put down to play by themselves. Under a year old their attention span is very short it is easier to direct their attention to other than you by playing music,singing,showing colorful objects, especially ones that have movement. Think of it as a rubberband connection--at first they will play by themselves a few minutes and then run to you to touch/connect with you for comfort but then will return to their playing and so on and so forth. To mothers who need to get other things done in their day it is a slow process but eventually learn to be separate from you. I hope this advice is helpful. Cindy

You are not spoiling you baby by holding him, you are meeting his needs. Some babies are just 'more', they need more, they require more from mom and dad. There is a great book that you might find very helpful, it's THE FUSSY BABY by Dr. Sears.
It's a small book, easy to read in short amounts of time.

My first baby was very high need. I remember feeling very frustrated and confused by all of the conflicting information myself. One thing I found really helpful was a sling. My personal favorite is the mayawrap. Wearing your baby in a sling allows him to feel comfortable and snug next to your chest where he feels safe and warm and frees up your hands for other things. (like reading a book) :-) They take a little practice to get used to using but are worth their weight in gold. I have four children and have used a sling with each of them.

You will always get conflicting advice about parenting. The best thing someone ever told me was to listen to my gut. YOU are the expert for your baby. Go with what 'feels' right to you and everything will work out. If something doesnt feel right in your core than it probably is not.

J.-

I can relate. My daughter is 2.5 now and I literally had to hold her for 2 months straight. And I mean literally! At about the two month mark we finally got a diagnosis, she had severe acid reflux. We put her on some medication and changed her formula. I was breast feeding up until that two month mark and it was torture for all of us. She was not a good feeder and was very frantic. In turn I was very tense and I just emotionally could not handle the stress. So we made the decision to bottle feed.

We have a close friend who's son had reflux so badly he needed surgery (rare) but they were told that colic is not normal like most people portray it. SO if you think that your child cries more than he should then seek some medical advice for it. They didn't take colic for an answer and had to put their son on meds, get special formula, and ultimately he needed surgery.

I'm not saying that your son has reflux just be aware of the signs. Some of of them are.....
-Difficulty with feeding (meaning getting upset/frantic before or after feedings)
-Not wanting to be put down, mostly on his back (some mother's have told me that their child will arch their back when put down in order to find some comfort)
-Spitting up is not always a sure sign so don't go by that. But if he is spitting up it should smell sweet not like vomit or acid. Our daughter had projectile spit up that rivaled someone with possession but I was a new mom and didn't realize that it was abnormal.
-Not sleeping well (meaning he is not getting more than 30-60 minutes of sleep at a stretch or not sleeping much at all) This was a hard one for me since being a new mom.....what is normal?! But they say newborns should get around 16 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period give or take a few hours.

So hopefully your little is fine and he's just learning the hard way of how to sleep/relax but if you feel like something isn't right go with that feeling.

As an added note. Our little one is fine now and there have been no ill effects from her days of severe reflux. She has grown out of it. But that first year was hell and it took her 9 months to sleep through the night.

Good luck and I hope that you can find the advice and help that you need.

J.

You really can't spoil a newborn! They don't yet have the ability to soothe themselves and only learn to soothe themselves when others teach them. Hold your baby.....you are doing the right thing.

A., 35yr old mom of Milo...5 1/2 months

Our son has colic/ MSPI and reflux, we didn't know it until he was 2 months old. Anyway he cried whenever we put him down, and we got the same "you're spoiling him" from grandparents. I asked my pediatrician and she said babies need to be responded to when they cry and that I couldn't spoil my baby by holding him. Good luck!!

When my 11 yr. old was a newborn he had to sleep on our chest. If you have tried everything "like a bounce that vibrates" and nothing seems to sooth him, I would ask your Doctor about colic or maybe gas from the type of formula he is on. Everyone is right I have 3 kids older kids and you can't spoil a newborn :)

Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle. My girls were the same way, but I swaddled them a lot, even when holding them, and that made it easier to put them down because they still felt comfortable. I also purchased a sling (it was hand-made and nicer than anything I found in the stores at the time) and that was a lifesaver!