New Rough Behavior of 5 Year Old Son

My son was on the receiving end of this with a friend of his who lived right across the street from us. This boy was just as you’re describing your son and they were very clearly best friends. He wasn’t like this when they first became friends but it did start after he started preschool (my son did not go to preschool).

The behavior continued to get worse and in one incident my son was hurt pretty bad. Our boys were playing outside and, the boy tackled my son really hard from behind.

I soothed my son and said we were going back inside. Then I said to the Mom in a calm and gentle manner, that my son would not be able to play with her son anymore until his behavior changed, but I said it in front of her son.

The Mom looked at her son and told him very sternly that now my son could not play with him anymore and that maybe this would teach him a lesson on HOW to play nicely. She was visibly upset and told him to go inside.

They didn’t play for months and again, they lived across the street. If we were playing outside the Mom would not let her son come out. That was really, really hard for him! It just happened one day that he promised to play nice. He came outside, they played great, and now it’s been about a year. He never displayed that behavior again. The Mom actually thanked me and said that was the best solution to the problem. They are now best friends again.

Bottom line = You need to remove your son from these situations. If he continues this behavior and you need to let him know that his behavior will lead to consequences. I understand he loves his friend, but what you have tried so far is not working. He should be in time out from playing with his friend until he can display self-control. You should talk to the teacher about this as well.
Do not plan anymore play dates and tell your son WHY. When you told him you were leaving the party because of his behavior – you should have left.

I’m sorry you are going through this with your DS. It will take help from you to teach him self-control, setting limits and following through with consequences if he doesn’t listen. If you start now, the behavior can be controlled quicker.

This too shall pass.

Firm discipline really is the key. It sounds like you haven't had to use much, since he's been so well behaved, but now the fact that he defies your request to stop all these behaviors when he's with this friend is a reason to firmly discipline him, and soon he won't do it anymore. If you're effective it will be a very short lived thing.
Luckily he's old enough to understand you and control himself, and he is a well behaved boy by nature, so once you clearly realize WHAT you're disciplining for, and enforce it, this will be quick to clear up.

First of all, do not focus on WHAT he's not supposed to do so much as that he ALWAYS has to do what you say. Whether that's to stop jumping on someone, punching someone, stop crying when it's time to leave, etc. whatever.
Are you SURE he never gets away with defying you at home? Its not very likely that he's only doing these things and is completely unstoppable, when he always responds to your directions with everything else. However, if this truly is a brand new thing, you can nip it in it's tracks very quickly.
He may never have people to jump on and play rough with at home, but if he's not responding to other things right away, like picking up his toys, not interrupting, not throwing fits -whatever-it's exactly the same thing. And if you always effectively discipline those behaviors at home, he will also mind what you say about the behavior with this friend out in public. It will be natural not to ignore you.

Look for ways he can learn to mind you more at home, really enforce them. That way, when you give him a warning before his play date with his friend that there will be a consequence for rough playing when it's not what everyone else is doing-or more like "when you say to stop", he will believe you. When he gets carried away in the moment and begins the behavior, you can warn him calmly and clearly again, that he must do what you say and stop attacking the boy or he will be taken away from the play zone, given a consequence AND leave the party. This gives him the chance to decide to stop. But it will only work if you have been absolutely consistent and serious at home. And you may have to actually do it once or twice in the setting with this friend. You can explain to the couple who is being nice, that it's very important to you that he learns to act well. You won't be flustered or angry if you act immediately. They will respect you for handling it, even if they're saying it's no problem.

If this were my son, he would be given the talk before the event, the warning at the very onset of any nonsense at the event, and the consequence in the bathroom if he continued for one more second, and another consequence PLUS leaving if he continued again. No anger, no apologies, just cheerful goodbyes to everyone, and he wouldn't be allowed to have a fit without a consequence. Sounds harsh, but this would never even happen. We were very firm and consistent from toddlerhood with our kids (had to be-spirited kids? We've got'em), so now we get to sit back and have the "easy" kids at parties and have a beer and let them play on their own with no worries. One warning, and they know we mean what we say.

You're right about the boy behavior. He does need to be getting enough rough play time (sounds like he needs more-I'd assign him and dad some wrestling matches and fight club games in the yard), but he also needs to obey-which you know. Have a talk with him about how proud you are that he's a big boy and a gentleman, explain that to keep good friends, he needs to be a good friend, and you know he can do it. Explain clearly what will happen if he decides to act disrespectfully to his friends or to you when you ask him to stop. Have dad take charge on firming up as well. It means a lot to a boy and works faster. Good luck!

E.,
My son is mild mannered but he has a slightly younger cousin that adores him and likes rough play. Now that the cousin has started kindergarten, his behavior has actually gotten better. His mom keeps reminding him of the school rules (hands and feet to yourself). I know that it is a struggle for her because it is just a part of his personality, but I think the persistence and reinforcement of "the rules" has made a big difference. She also let me know that it was okay if I wanted to remind him too when needed. I know we all feel awkward disciplining another child, so this did not make me feel so powerless. Also, you may want to try talking to his teacher to see if he has this behavior at school and what (if anything) they have tried that works.
C.

This is a tough situation. We're having a similar problem where a boy is constantly hitting and pushing my daughter. The other mom and I have talked about how to handle it together. I have three suggestions:

1). Tell the other parents that your son's behavior upsets you and that you are actively working on it but that you are open to any suggestions on what more you could do. Ask them if they have any thoughts. They may see something that you don't. This lets them know that you care about your sons behavior, are willing to work on it, and that you are open and thoughtful. It is a very positive way to handle a tough situation.

2) Offer your son alternative forms of physical interaction. BEFORE you see the other child again tell your son that, instead of tackling and punching, he should ask if he can give a hug or a handshake (or a fistbump or whatever you like). Practice a little with him. Also, give him a couple of options. Make sure to say that the tackling is not an ok way to interact with the other boy and that you will have to leave if he continues to behave wildly with him. This may sound crazy but we used to do little plays with puppets for my kids at the daycare where I worked. We would act out the negative interaction and talk about how it made the recipient of the agression feel. It seemed to really work for the kids and it was less personal.

3) Follow through. Tell your son that he won't be able to spend time with that friend if he keeps jumping on him. If the behavior continues you should actually leave during a playdate (when it is just him and the other boy). It may make your son sad (which is so painful) but it may help him to understand that his actions have consequences. Try to keep it positive: " We couldn't stay this time because you were jumping on ....... but maybe when we see him again you could give him a fist bump instead of a tackle and then we could stay." NOTE: It was probably good that you didn't leave during the birthday party because there were a lot of other children there and it might have been humiliating and given the other children the idea that your son can't control himself.

Also, this may take a little while. It may take some patience to get your son to interact differently. The key is to talk to him before he gets excited and not wait until he is really unable to hear what you are telling him.

I hope this helps!

Taking your son into another room was a good idea. It was like giving him a time-out. Take him aside every time this happens. Tell him, "We do not hit or jump on other people." If he cries, he will get over it. All kids cry; a normal thing. Let him sit on a chair for 5 minutes while he calms down. If he refuses, take him by the hand and put him back. I like the "Nanny 911" show and also the book. It gives good advice about child rearing. Parents must be consistent and persistent in directing and teaching the children what is acceptable behavior. Children don't automatically know it. Parents have to be the boss. You must follow through on everything you say to him, otherwise he won't believe you; it would be like telling him a lie if you asked him to stop without making him stop. Children normally push boundaries all the time in order to find out where those boundaries are. Parents must keep their boundaries firm; otherwise, you do children a disservice by not teaching them how to behave by the time they become adults. In fact you must start very early. By the time a child is 8 years old, his basic personality is formed. (I learned this in college.) Don't try to be a friend to your child. You are the boss. You must be fair with him and teach him consistently. The parents of your son's friend are being nice by staying out of your business. They know it is your job to discipline your own child. Don't be afraid to do your job. Your child will thank you when he grows up and has kids of his own even if he thought you were "mean" when he was a child.

Anyway, maybe he will like to play football when he gets older. Inform him, he can only tackle when dressed in a football uniform and in training or playing the game; an acceptable venue for this behavior. I don't know at what age kids can join a little league football team. It is an option to keep in mind.

It's NOT acceptable behavior just because he's a boy! We need to expect the right things of both our boys and our girls. You need to remove him from the situation every time he does this. He's cry and be upset and promise to do better, and after you remove him consistently and take him home a few times (maybe 2, maybe 6, maybe 10), it will stop. His friend does not like it and the other kids do not like it, and he absolutely will not be permitted to do this in school (in class or on the playground). So I'd put an immediate stop to it now. You son is learning how to interact and he is trying - but this is not an okay way to do it. You will help him so much more if you deal with it immediately. I have a boy - I know. Do not let yourself feel badly when your child is sad - you will feel much worse, and HE will feel much worse, if this is allowed to continue. Sometimes being a parent is really tough - we have to make our kids sad sometimes in order to make them happy in the long run. I would stop talking about it so much and attach a real consequence to this action.