New Baby

Unfortunately it gets even harder sometimes before it gets better. My girls are 4 & 10 and the rivalry continues on day after day. However, there isn't anything either of them wouldn't do for the other. What I have tried doing w/my oldest is allowing time for just her and I to spend together. From the time my youngest was born I would allow her to help out in anyway that she wanted, but I would also spend a little extra time with her. Once we got past the jealousy end, then we went onto the "you love her more then me bit" - as long as I know that I love both of them w/my heart that is all that matters. Not only that, there is a completely different relationship w/the baby. One thing that really helped me when Haley was born as that Samantha was almost 6, but that also worked against us. It's hard to be the enforcer when you are talking about little beings that we love entirely, but sometimes they have to learn that they can't always do things the way they want to. And fortunately babies are a little more resilient then we think - they're not going to break when someone is trying to put their binky in their nose! Good luck!

I know you you feel - felt the same way when I brought home baby number 2 and it still feels like that. My only suggestion is doing maybe find some things that he can do with and for the baby. Like my daughter would help out by running and getting the baby a bib or getting his bottle, or putting the top on the bottle and putting it back in the kitchen, or helping me pick out his clothes. I have to say I even created some "busy work" for my daughter so she thought she was participating. I hope that helps.

Good luck!

Congratulations on your new baby! I could have written this exact message a year ago. My daughter was 3 1/2 when my son was born and went through the same issues. It seemed as if everything I said began with "don't". She was very jealous of the time I spent nursing. He was a reflux baby and took a lot of time to feed. She poked him, picked him up, woke him up and... oh, yeah... rubbed elmer's glue in his hair! THe more I said "don't" the worse things seemed to get. What I discovered was that she really just wanted to be included. I read to her or had her nurse/diaper her baby when I did. When he got a little older, I began letting her be the "babysitter". I explained that a good babysitter entertains the baby and never makes the baby cry. Then showed her ways to entertain the baby. Then I would "go away" for just a minute and let her practice taking care of him. (Of course, I was always peeking around the corner) It was remarkable how hard she tried to keep him happy while "babysitting" and this effort seemed to spill over into the rest of the day as well. She needed lots of extra attention, love and praise, too. Her daddy really stepped up to fill this need and they have developed an even closer bond since the baby was born. The first few months were rough but once the baby was old enough to sit up and play with toys things got much easier. He's 13 months old now and they adore each other. Hang in there, once your little guy realizes that the baby is not replacing him and might even be his playmate someday things will get easier. Just remember to dole out lots of love and praise and everything will work itself out.

I also experienced the same things when I brought our daughter home to our son. My advice, a year later, is to remain calm when you "remind" him to be careful around the baby... remember also that babies are very resilient and won't break from a little pinch or poke here and there. I would also try to include him as much as possible with positive things, could you bring me a diaper, can you hold the babies hand while I dress him etc. I feel your worry, my baby was also colicky, so I had a screaming baby to deal with and my nerves were frazzled to say the least and I would be very short with my son and then feel like crying after as he'd go off and play alone a lot. However, on the up side, the baby is now one and it has worked itself out quite a bit. Now I'm into sibling issues.... she can't touch my toys etc. This too shall pass...

Congratulations on your new addition!!! I haven't been there yet as far as having too but I have had thoses moments with my daughter where I feel like everything is no or negative so what I tried to do is just use positive language. Instead of say no don't do that I say do this instead. For example, if she being rough with the cat I'd say can you pet him gently and show her. And then if she did it praise her.
If there is anything you can praise him for doing even without something negative it will help. It sounds like he's looking for that extra attention. If you can give it to him with verbal praise and then even make a big deal about special time together maybe when the baby is sleeping have your own special book time or snack time or play time whatever it is you want to do with him. You could also try to engage him in helping and then praise him for doing that. Can you get me a diaper? He'll feel important to the baby and you. Good Luck.

Try the disciplining program from the book titled, "1-2-3 Magic". It is a phenomenal book and really worked/s with my little guy, who was 4 y/o when i had his little brother. My at the time 4 y/o was doing all the things your little guy was. You really have to stick to it, tho', as it only works if you really learn it and accept it. That's the only way your little guy will learn and accept it. It is very containing of their emotions. Also, I think you should plan a 1x/week outing with your 3 y/o, like a movie, a stroll in the park, the playground, museum, lunch together, going to barnes and noble, etc. my little guy really appreciates that (he's now 6, and still requires extra attention - and that's the good news!). Also, get his father involved in their own 1x/wk special attention outing. Good luck.

Your son is just jealous and is acting out to get your attention, be it possitive or negative attention is attention to a toddler. Try doing something fun with him while the baby is sleeping, or if you are feeding the baby let him hold the bottle. While I was breast feeding I had my son get me a cloth diaper to put on my shoulder and had him help me rub the baby's back when I burped him. After a few weeks the novelty of the baby will wear off and your son will be back to his old self. Try not to really yell at him, you don't want him to resent the baby, just be patient and talk to him, I know it is hard to do.
Hugs,
T.

Well the first thing I'm going to say is, you're going to make mistakes...that's how we learn, don't beat yourself up about it...okay on to the issue at hand...give the big brother some big boy responsibility...like getting you diapers when you need one or a blanket...if you have a boppy pillow put big brother on the couch and place it around his waist, then place baby in it(this way brother is "holding" baby but the pillow is doing all the work and he can touch the baby and you don't have to worry about baby's head...also great photo op)...praise, praise, praise...when he walks quietly when baby is sleeping, when he kisses baby...and tell him how much baby likes him, if baby makes a noise tell big brother..."look he's talking to you!" This is a big time for you all, don't worry you'll get through and so will both of them! Take a picture of the two of them and frame it...put one in big brother's room and one next to the crib...your older child just wants to feel important and loved. Good luck!

B.,

Congrats on the new baby! Isn't this a wonderful source for mamas to get the encouragement, support and advice we need?! You have gotten some really great advice and reassurances. You have rasied a sweet 3 year old to this point so trust yourself as a mama. I was a teacher for 12 years and I am still winging it like any new parent (Duncan is 15 months old). THe advise the other mamas gave was beautiful - positive redirection, getting your son involved, doing things to make sure he knows how special he still is and what a fun and special role being a big brother is, and spending special one on one time with your son without the baby.

Hubby and I are working on baby #2 so the responses to this question were good for me to read too. We also used some of these ideas with my 7 year old step son and he is a fabulous big brother. We gave him a picture of Duncan and put a picture of him in Duncan's room. His mother said that when he is home with her, he sleeps with Duncan's picture under his pillow!

Know it gets easier, especially when you start getting more rest and begin to feel like yourself again. Lots of cuddles and hugs help for everyone!

Take care and let us know how things are going.

S.

Hi B.,

Congratulations on the brand new baby!

The first thing I would suggest to you (and I know this is hard if you're coping with your first couple of days with a newborn in the house) is to find time to spend with your older son, where he can't see the baby and where you do not need to care for the baby. This may mean after feeding the baby, pass him off to dad, grandma or a reliable sitter and spend a half hour or and hour once or twice a day just paying attention to and spending time with your preschooler.

The other thing is - try to remember that this is old hat to you and your Dh. You've had a baby before. You know what this is all about. Your son has not done this before. Last time you did this, he WAS the baby. Rather than correct him for how he is behaving toward the baby while he is feeling things out and trying to find out what the boundaries are, speak with him first. Let him know what he CAN do with and for the baby. Tell him the positives, the okay's first. And then tell him what's not okay (but not while he is doing it, don't assume he knows what's not okay and then discipline when he does what he shouldn't). Lay down the rules and the guidelines, and let him know that if there's something he is not sure is okay, to come to you or dad and ask first.

Good luck with the sibling transition.

I too just had a baby (4 wks. ago) and was worried about how my 19 month old daughter would react. My husband and I tried to make her feel important from the start by letting her help with things that had to do with the baby, like getting the baby wipes when the baby needs to be changed, and throwing the pamper in the garbage (followed by a "Wow! You're such a good helper!") And when I feed the baby my older daughter sits next to me and cuddles so she doesn't feel left out. She, too, is too rough with the baby without meaning to be, but when she tries to touch the baby's head I'll say something like "I know you want to touch your sister's head, but she likes it better when you touch her feet" (since her feet have no delicate soft spot) and I show her how to "do it nice"(gently). She still acts out at times, and I know it's for attention, but I try to make her feel as important as possible so that it doesn't affect her relationship with her sister later on.

Hi!! Don't be too hard on yourself with a 3 day old. When you are sleep deprived, everything is exaggerated. Try to get some help, and more rest. ALso, with your son if you explain why he should not do something, and then show him another way and praise him, that could work. He also is looking for attention now perhaps. He was used to getting all the attention, and even negative attention kids will settle for. So, praise him whenever he is doing something positive, and get into that way. Also, try to spend a little "time for just you and me" together with him. You too are getting used to having two instead of one. Make him feel special, and you will feel better about yourself too. It will work out---it is trying at first, with a new baby, and another child. You sound like a very caring Mom.

When we had our second child my daughter was 2 months shy of her 2nd b-day. She was so good with him, she was excited to be a big brother but he was born with pneumonia and had to stay in the hospital for 9 days and b/c I was breastfeeding I stayed right there with him. It was the hardest decision I had to ever make. It affected my daugther big time she was acting up for the baby sitter the whole time I was in the hospital. But once we got home she was so good with him until he was 5-6 months old and started to crawl and ever since it has been a war zone here. The only thing I can say is let him help you get diapers and wipes or clothes. That helped my daughter big time. Good luck everything will work out fine.

Congratulations on your new arrival.
I think this is such a normal thing! When my number 2 was born, I found that my first, who was 4, seemed so huge and I was so worried about her hurting the baby who seemed so tiny and helpless. The feeling just settled down after a while - we all got used to there being a new baby and I worried less as the baby grew older and felt more robust.
I suppose the key is to remember that the baby is not going to break, and that it is important to encourage positive interactions between them right from the start.

Congrats and well wishes with your new baby. I agree with everyone who has said to set aside some time to have a "date" with your older one, and getting him involved. What I would do when I had my youngest is when the older kids were doing something I did not want to do I would give suggestions about different behavior when I was redirecting them away from something I did not want them to do (whether it had to do with the baby or not, it was still attention seeking). In other words, I really don't want you to do that right now, but you can do this. It often worked with my kids and they weren't feeling the negative as much.
Good luck and remember, none of us are perfect, it is ok to make mistakes!

I have a 2-month-old and 2-year-old and what's worked for me is involving my 2-year-old as much as possible with her baby brother. Instead of telling her what she can't do with him, I try to tell her what she CAN do - bounce him gently in the seat, kiss his head, touch his feet, etc. I also ask if she wants to "help" change his diaper (by handing me the diaper, etc.) and explain the things that I'm doing with the baby (e.g. "he's drinking milk out of mama's breast, like you did when you were a baby").

Sometimes I have to say "no" of course when she is being too rough, but I usually try to redirect her energy to something else that keeps her involved with the baby. That way she feels she is part of the experience and not being pushed away. It's worked out well and she mostly feels really happy about her brother and proud of being a big sister.

I hope that helps you. Good luck!

my daughter is exactly three years older than the new baby. i know you are super worried about the baby, but i might suggest trying hard not to cause your 3 yr old to have any issues. try to avoid having to correct him in the first place meaning dont have the situations available that might cause you correcting him. sit next to the baby to show him the correct way, dont have the baby be in his reach unsupervised, try to have lots of busy activities that will have him think you are fun and keep him occupied. also this will give him a chance to do things that will get positive attention rather than just the negative. make sure to have special times like maybe a book while the baby naps or make bath time with just him a big deal so he knows he is still important. at the same time try to include him in activities with the baby, like getting a diaper for you, move a toy, ect. anything to make him feel like he is needed to care for the baby. he needs to feel needed with the baby, rather than in competition. also, dont discipline him if its an honest mistake with the baby, he doesnt know how to act and may be too rough unknowingly. but of course discipline if he acts out of anger.
3 yrs old is the perfect age span imo. your son will do great. just give him time, and once the baby starts smiling, that baby will do nothing but stare at big brother. at that time, you wont be a worried, the baby wont be so delicate, and your 3 yr old will probaly enjoy all the attention he gets from the baby. he will adjust, just give him attention and love:) good luck!!!

he is normal. he is happy to have a new sibbling. find some activities he can do that you might need help with, like putting on the baby powder even if he uses to much. just throw a light cloth over the babies face while he does it, which we should do anyway so the baby does not breath the talc in. If he puts on too much, you can brush it off and everything will be fine. he will eventually get used to how much to use. you can also get him a lifesized doll and give him a couple of diapers from the baby. let him feed the doll when you feed his brother. if the doll is washable, then he and the doll can take a bath while you do things he can't help with. makes for fun feeding time while keeping baby safe. if money is tight, check local yard sales or local salvation army or second hand store to find some play items for his baby. it will make him feel more important and will also instill good fathering skills. He is trying to help and copy you. This is the time to instill fathering skills in him. Also get out the color book and crayons or his cars or something that he loves to play with him and when you have the babies down for a nap you can play cars or what ever or color with him. put his picture up on the fridge. you don't want him to feel that he is fading into the background because of the new baby.

My daughter was a little over two when I brought my son home from the hospital. I let her be near him when we were holding him...but she was not to touch his head. I also made a lot of her interractions with him and I positive. I asked her to get me a blanket and cover his body when he was napping in the pack & play. She would help me rub the burps out while feeding him (i didn't encourage her hitting him.) When we had tummy time on the floor, I let her show him toys and talk to him. I also let her hold him once in a while VERY well supported and supervised. She had a little resentment toward this creature that had invaded her mommy space, but after a while, it waned. And when he was napping, I made sure we spent time together doing her favorite things.
Good luck!

Hi,

He must be longing for you and you alone. You were away from him for the first time and now your back -- but with baby who I imagine he may be feeling replaced by?
I can understand your frustration w/ a 3 yr. old testing w/ the newborn.
Can you spend some one on one time w/ him & him alone so that he is reassurred that you are still his mommy / the mommy who he always knew and had? Then when you have to be w/ the baby or the baby & him, he'll come to know that he'll have his special time w/ you too. If you could give him some time alone w/ someone else watching the baby if the baby wakes, every day would be helpful for him to understand that he is as important as the baby and then he could understand sharing you - provided he still has you too!
Best of Luck to you all.

Well yes this is normal! I think when the oldest is a girl is actually makes it easier b/c of the "mothering" factor. Keep talking to your oldest and explain that you tell him no b/c you love him & the baby and don't want anyone hurt. I know it is hard! When I had my 2nd I was in the hospital for 5 days and that was the 1st time I was away from my daughter. Be strong and keep on him. What I do is when we see a kid being bad I tell my daughter that they are bad b/c their mommy & daddy don't teach them right from wrong. I tell her that we tell her NO (or whatver) so she knows better.
I know it is hard! But it is in everyone's best interest!!!!

Hi. I am the "baby" in my family. My brother and sister are 2 and 6 years older than me. I will tell you that (according to them & our Mother) my brother and sister couldn't wait until I "went back" to wherever I came from.

Kids think weird things at those young ages. I think my sister (who is 4 years older than my brother) actually asked my Mother when my brother was going to finally go back to where he came from (the hospital).

Your little guy will be fine. Of course he is testing you. He's been the center of the Universe for 3 years. Don't focus so much on the baby when communicating with him. Instead, tell him what a big boy he is... and ask him things like: Aren't you glad that you're not in diapers anymore? Aren't you proud of yourself for using a spoon and eating big boy food? etc. He will see the differences between himself and the baby instead of seeing that Mommy has to do (insert tasks here) for the baby. It will be "about him" without taking away from the newborn!

:) Good luck!

Obviously you have to discipline your son if he in danger of hurting himself or the baby, but maybe you can try to re-direct some of his efforts if a more positive way. For example, when he is bouncing the seat too hard, you can say something like, "You are being such a good big brother trying to help your baby sister/brother; instead of rocking his/her chair, why don't you sing him/her a song. I bet she/he would really love that." You could also give him alternatives, "It is not safe for you to jump on the bed while the baby is on it, you could either jump on the floor next to the bed or sit next to us on the bed." If he is starting to dog dangerous things, you could also give him a chore to redirect him, like saying, "Can you be Mommy's great helper and get me a blanket/stuffed animal/diaper for the baby". You should try whenever possible to re-direct his need for attention/desire to help/jealousy into a something positive for him. He may then begin to do some of these things on his own. The worst thing you could do is squash his spirits or make him feel resentful of the baby.

I hope this is helpful.

Hi B.,
Telling your son all the things he can not do would be bummer if i was a kid too. You need follow up with what he can do. He probably feels like everything he is doing is wrong, but doesn't know what to do. You need to help teach him what he can do. Ex; "Please don't bounce on the bed right now, but what you can do is jump on floor," "When you pinch baby it hurts him, but you can stroke gently him arms and legs"
Your task now, is not only to be a new mom again, but to teach your son how to be an older brother who is involved. i bet he wants to help but has no idea what to do.
Good Luck
N.

great advice so far. I also recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry.

I don't have all the answers at all, but my kids are 23months apart. We too had all the "rules" for teh older. We had possitive time of playing "happy and you know it clap your hands, If your happy adn you know it give ___(the baby) a kiss, if your happya nd you know it touch _feet." Things like this gave my older fun things to do with her brother other than always he negative.

Also whenever you put the baby in the bouncy seat, maybe that can be time for you and him to have one on one time to play trucks, read a book or tickle monster.Just a few minutes, but a teh cue of baby in bouncy seat is time for him might help as well.

It is normal but doesn;t make it any easier or less stressful until we as parents find ways to make it smoother.

I am a mother of four and what I noticed worked best is making the older sibling feel helpful. They do try to test you because they think you love them less. You have to show your son things can be the same just alittle different. Allow him to help like getting things for the baby, holding the baby with your assistance. Teach him to be gentle because they do not understand just how fragile babies are. Always reassure him he is your big boy and a great helper. You need to stop saying no and stop and look at it more as let me show you and not so rough, this is how. Remember it is new for you to be a mom of two but even newer for him to have to share you. Whenever your spouse is around, let him take time and spend with him so he can always have fun with one of you. Good Luck and best wishes.

Hang in there. Its hard for the three yr also. He doesn't know where he fits. He is just making sure you still need and love him.
I know how tired you are. If you can dedicate 30 min every day just the two of you. Read him his favorite book. No yelling just snuggle him and tell him how much you value him. Tell him that because he is the big brother he will get some big boy privleges (sp wr) Give him a special job like putting the napkins on the table. Or if you have a tiny vacuum he could vaccum the kitchen after dinner.
Give him confidence in himself. Good luck. Denise

i would back off on all the rules, or redirect his attention. he wants to help and feel like he belongs so get him to help with the things you are comfortable with him helping with. maybe he can help get the baby a blanket or hold a toy for the baby or feel his bald or fuzzy head. i did this with my son who was 14 months when i had a set of twins and he loved to help. i would let him hold the bottle for the baby. occasionally the bottle would be up the baby's nose, but thankfully toddlers have a short attention span and i could tell him good job and he would be on his way. otherwise, he may resent the baby.

Hi B.,
You are setting limits and boundaries and that's good...but maybe reinforce the positive things he does even more. Have him interact and help you with the baby by getting things for you...diapers, ointment, etc...My kids actually liked to help me nurse, it may sound strange, but they loved it. They would just touch the top of my chest and felt as if they were feeding Ava as well...all those little things count.

My kids were different after I had our 3rd last May. Everything is different now, but it'll become familiar very quickly...enjoy them!

Best wishes,
J.

You need to include your son in the new baby activities. From diapering, to feeding to touching and kissing him. He is acting out due to the change in routine. You were away for a few days and returned with a little one who will take his place as far as your attentions. Children are very perceptive and we tend to not give them credit for that. When the baby wakes up and if your older one is up, look at him and say "our" baby is up, shall we go see how he's doing, come on and take him by the hand. When all your attentions need to be on the baby, have your older one with you and explain what your doing and why so he doesn't feel slighted. Have him help you where possible. Handing you a wipe, a diaper. He can help with all little things. If he acts up, help him replace the negative things he is doing with positive things. If he's pinching the baby, interfere and take his hand and gently say no , no baby, don't do that, how about we do this and give the baby a kiss on his head or have your older one hold the babies hand and say how many kisses can we give the baby's hand and redirect his attentions to something positive. Remember, it's a big change for a 3 year old and you must be patient and diligent in redirecting the unwanted behavior. Keep your chin up and good luck B..

First of all Congratulations on your new bundle of Joy! I have 2 girls 30 months apart. I remember crying before I gave birth to my little one, because my world revolved around my older daughter and I felt like I was ruining her life by having another baby. I wanted my older daughter to be involved and not resent the baby, but she was just too rough at first. So I would ask her to "help" mommy whenever I could. That meant she could hold the bottle while I fed the baby on my lap, choosing the baby's toy to sleep with or play with, getting me a new diaper while I was changing a dirty one, anything that would make her feel special and like a "big" girl, but wouldn't make her have direct contact with the baby. She still had contact with the baby, but it was a very controlled contact for a little while. I would tell her over and over to "do nice" or "gentile" and eventually she got it. I also gave her some special alone time so we could keep that special bond between us. We did what ever activity she wanted. Nothing expensive, but something we could do together and bond, ie: reading, coloring, crafts, ate ice pops, go to the park, or watched an episode of her favorite show.
As a mother you would never do anything to harm your baby, but mistakes come with parenthood. As long as we learn from our mistakes, we become better parents. Hey we all survived our parents mistakes, our children will survive us as parents. Love them with all of your heart and know that YOU are the best mommy for them mistakes and all.
Good Luck and God Bless
R. F.

Congratulations on your new baby! I have 4 children, but they are older. My youngest is 19. To be honest, I never had this problem with my children, but I do have a suggestion. I don't know if you work, but maybe you could set some time during the week when it is just you and your son. Maybe you could have someone you trust come to watch your new baby, and take your son out for a special day or evening; just him and you. This way you won't be distracted by your having to tend to your baby; all your attention will be on your son. Maybe you could do this a couple of times a week. You might let him know that you and him will have a "special mommy and son day or night" It would be something fun for him to look forward to, and his maybe his mind will be on that instead of the baby. I hope this helps you and good luck.

My first 2 children are 13 months apart so I did not have to go through a stage where a child misbehaved, I have done a lot of reading on this topic just incase it did happen ( and I am pregnant again). Everyone always seems to say that even though your child is happy about his or her new sibling that they will do what ever it takes to get your attention. This sounds very typical. Maybe if you can redirect him in some way. If you are feeding maybe he can get a favorite book so you can read it or watch his favorite show. Also try saying things in a more positive way to get the same result. instead of stop jumping, no yelling.........ask him to jump maybe jump on the floor or maybe we can jump later....even just "how about we find something else to do". I taught preschool and redirecting children always seems to help the problem without making it a discipline situation. GOOD LUCK!

B.
I found that it was best to offer positive suggestions in place of telling my son no. Suggest kisses on the baby's hands/feet when he pinches. We had the same issue with jumping on the bed, I just told him to bounce on the other side using my body as a barrier. And when the bouncing was too boisterous he was either told to stop or I moved. Sometimes those battles aren't worth the effort. I still have the 'bouncing the seat too hard' issue. I just intercede and show him how to bounce gentler. While I show him I also talk to him about how much better the baby likes it when he bounce gentler. I've also found that the power of suggestion is great. When he's doing something I'm uncomfortable with I suggest a substition. Do you let him hold the baby? We let my son 'hold' the baby anytime he wanted, it got him involved with her care. I either propped him up in the recliner with alot of pillows or held him on my lap and then held the baby with his help. This is something that usually needs two adults because the toddler is sandwiched between you and your newborn. I also suggest that when you talk to your newborn make all your conversations about Big Brother. Your newborn doesn't care what you say and Big Brother feels involved. Early on I had a problem with my son waking up in the middle of the night, usually when his sister was fussy, he would cry hysterically (most of the time it was an act) he needed to know that I'd let his sister fuss and take care of him. This went on for about 2weeks and he finally realized that if he needed me I would give him my undivided attention and let his sister cry. He's been okay since. I would find something that he likes to do with you and make it a daily routine without the baby. For us it was 10minutes of cuddletime in the morning when he got up. My 2nd is now 5 months old and her Big Brother looks out for her all the time. He gets me bibs when he thinks she needs one. Gives her toys when she cries. He loves to make her laugh. We even have to check on her before he goes to bed at night. Good Luck! It does get easier, but it get crazier.

Hi B.,

I had the same problem with my daughter who is 5 and my son who just turn 1. I realized that it is easier to aloud them to be part of as much things as possible with the house and the baby. I did the same, until my husband told me I was being to tough on my daughter. He made me realize it more. So I try and get her to help out as much as possible and he would take the baby for a little so I could sit with her and spend some time with her. Just let the house wait the mess will be there I promise. :) I just realized they need our time now. When they are older we are going to wish they needed us as much. Its really new to you so take your time. Good Luck! :)

I remember when I had my 2nd child. My oldest was 4 years older and we really didn't have to much of a problem. You need to include your older one in the day to day things that have to do with taking care of the baby. I remember we let the older one hold the baby on the couch with one of us sitting next to him. Let your older one help you feed the baby if you're not nursing. He could hold the bottle. When you bathe the baby let him help you by just pouring a little water on the baby's belly. Let him help you with a diaper change. Eventually he will be so devoted to his new sibling just like mine was. Everywhere I went he would say to people "This is my brother Joey" with so much pride in his voice. My boys were so close in everthing they did that it was very hard on my 2nd son when he lost his older brother.
Also you could put aside some time when the new baby is sleeping to reconnect with your older son. Make him feel like he is still an important part of your life. If your older son wants to talk about stuff make sure you listen and be ready when he asks questions about what he told you even if its silly stuff. He will come to realize that you don't love one more than the other. Congratulations and good luck I hope this works out for you as it did me and you will have years of stress free sibling harmony instead of stressful sibling rivalry.

Hi B.,

First of all, congratulations on your new baby!

I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, thinking about what I could do to set the tone for a positive relationship between my then 2 and a half year old son and his expected sibling. I talked about the important job he would have as a big brother, would let him feel the bump that would later be the baby.

I bought him a stuffed toy that I gave him whwen my daughter was born and told him that it was a present to him from his new sister. I tried including him in everything, even a diaper change, I'd ask him to get me the diaper and thank him profusely. If she cried, I'd ask him what do you think we can do to maker her feel better? I'd include him if I was giving her a bath, and then if she was napping and he was up I'd spend try to spend some time with him.

Now, of course you don't want your son hurting himself or the new baby. What if instead of saying "no" to him you tried to re-direct him, to another type of activity? Maybe instead of hitting the baby (if he is) you can show him another way he can have contact with the baby. I have pictures of my son sitting in my lap with my daughter in his lap (so I was holding them both). As long as he was gentle with her he could hold her or play with her. As long as I was there he could play with her. When he wasn't gentle, then we had to take a time out to re-focus.

To this day, I am pleased that my son and daughter get along very well. Yes, they bicker and yes, they do get annoyed with each other at times, but they care about each other, they look out for each other, and I am so far (thankfully) not seeing resentment from either of them or any sense that either of them feel that I pay more attention to one than the other or treat one better than the other.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll strike a balance.

J.

Hi B., Congrats on your new baby. It is natural for a child to resent or be jealous of the new baby. Some have a harder time than others. The only thing I can suggest is to always be there with them. No telling what a big brother will do. You could ask him to help you with the baby. Give him a small job and praise him about it.Let him know that you love him very much and will need his help. Whan baby is napping give your son some special time. My first 2 boys were only 13 months apart, no problems. When baby sister came along, much to Dad's didmay I got them each a doll and they took care of their babies while I did mine. It helped when I was nursing her too. It happened all over again when I had sons #3 and 4 they were 16 months apart. Older one was adament "I didn't want a brother or any baby" and tried to hurt him whenever he could. Now at 25 and 26 they are best friends. Motherhood is not easy and they dont give you a book of instructions. Follow your heart and remember we each have our own personality. Some are more insecure than others. I will pray for you. My best, Grandma Mary

You guys are going through alot right now. Give yourself a break and relax. You are hormonal, tired, overworked and stressed. Your son will test you and he probably is being too rough, etc but you have to give yourself some time. You will be too hard on him and he will survive and so will you. This is a crazy time and you will all get through it even though it seems like the end of the world right now. Take a deep breath and do your best, it's all your kids ask of you. Good luck and congrats!

J.

Congrats on your new baby! I think since it has only been 3 days, it is all due to the fact that everything is still so new. You little boy doesn't know what to expect so he is testing the limits. It can be so hard for a child to go from only,w/all the attention to sib. and having to share. When mysecond baby came, my husband and I made sure to spend alone time with our older daughter(She was just three when the baby was born.)Try spending some time alone with him, and have your husband take care of the baby. Get out of the house if you can, that way all your attention is really on your son. As they get older be sure to do this with both children, and both parents. That way each child feels like they get all the attention some of the time. Also, be sure to do lots of things as a family too. You want them to understand how important that is as well. You may also want to try to include your son in taking care of the baby. We did this with our daughter, and she loved it! Just little things like helping with a diaper sometimes or holding a bottle or putting a blanket on the baby, etc...She loves to know she is the BIG girl. Sometimes I ask her to get something for me, and make a big deal about how I forgot it and what a big help it was she got it for me. These things have worked well for us. I hope they may help you too! Hang in there it will all get better/easier as all of you find your groove!

Hi B.,

Check out the book Siblings Without Rivalry. It is an easy read and helped me a great deal when our 2nd child came along.

One thing I did was explain to my oldest that babies are a lot of work and I would need her help. She was like a scrub nurse during diaper changes!

In the mean time, try to schedule some special time with your oldest every day.

As far as not wanting to make any mistakes, none of us do. It will go easier on you if you accept the fact that mistakes happen, agree to forgive yourself for them, learn from them and move on.

D.
mother to 2 girls now 10 & 7

I have one child - 2 yrs next Sat - so I don't have any direct knowledge, but wanted to respond. It is so hard when all of a sudden you are loaded with extra responsibility, less time, more stress, etc!! That is when I suddenly find myself being shorter with my dgtr and the "no's" start to come out. What worked for your older son before? Try to think of that and implement that. I agree with the other postings - try to redirect and give him things he CAN do with the baby - it will help him know what IS ok vs. what he shouldn't do b/c that will be the focus. I've heard "no" is for safety and health - everything else can be redirected without the "NO" (I tend to forget that sometimes......sometimes more than others!! LOL) Having "House Rules" is a great thing and helps the kids know what to expect, but outside of those few rules - help him understand what he's allowed to do too.

Also - try to spend some one on one time with the older son. He needs it now more than ever I would think. Maybe during a naptime or something like that. Or maybe someone else can watch the infant for an hour each day while you and your older son go for a walk, play outside, make ice cream sundaes - whatever - just some bonding time that he knows he can expect (it would probably be good if Dad can do that too with the 3yr old too - and when you are with the older one - it will give Dad some extra bonding time with the little one too!)

Some ideas - hope they help - the last thing you need on top of newborn, no sleep, house full of mess, etc, etc, etc, is MORE STRESS!!!! Good luck - you'll figure it out - for even thinking this through on day 3 of having a new baby - you sound like a great mom and both boys are lucky to have you!

The best advice I can give is to make sure you spend some one-on-one time with your older son away from the baby. The more he feels that his old life/relationship with you is not completely gone, the less threatened he will feel about the baby and the more that his positive feelings about a new sibling will come back. Don't feel badly about setting limits on his behavior around the baby, but try and have two "positive" moments for every disciplinary one. Positive moments meaning playing together, even for 5 minutes, going on a walk around the block, having a special outing just the two of you once a week.

HI,
This sounds so familiar! I have a 5 week old and my older one turned three last week. I still have bruises from where our 3-year old bit me during those first weeks -- time out became a wrestling match -- and this from truly a sweet little guy.

My advise is this: find two times in the day when you can commit to being with your older one -- we watch a video in the morning and make a 5-minute craft right before dinner (same craft every day). It gives some structure and you stand a better chance of giving positive reinforcement.

(typing 1 handed now) we also made our couch a "safe zone" with only gentle movements allowed, so 3-yr can run around in the room safely, but knows a boundary.

last, husabnd and i pulled a "supernanny" and came up with the 10 rules that really matter -- that way all those nagging "do this, don't do that" get synched down to a few clear rules that you have on the tip of your tongue -- making things simple for 3-yr and also getting you to be clear about how you want life to be in your house (perspective is important when life is so intense, it can give you hope).

time to feed baby... good luck. you will get through this; last week we finally got our good fun guy back, at least until the next phase hits.

when you see him about to do something that will hurt the baby- direct him to something he "can" do instead. "hey help mommy load the dryer c' mon lets go over here."
for example, I try to give my 21 month old son things he can do when I hear myself saying "no" too many times. He has a six month old sister and we taught him how to hug her softly or kiss her gently or hold her hand when he was being too rough with her.

Try to find ways to include your older son - have him give you the wipes or the diapers when you are changing the baby, if you are not exclusively nursing, maybe he can help hold the bottle while you hold the baby. Or, as one person said they bought a baby doll for their child to take care of while the parent was taking care of the new baby - IT IS OK TO GIVE BOYS DOLLS TOO!!!

I also agree with other posters that you should try and make special time every day for your 3 year old, where he knows that time is his (this is easier, the more help you have). He's going through a lot right now, he's used to being the center of your attention, so he's feeling a bit displaced, plus I'm sure he's excited and curious about the new baby too.

Good luck, they will eventually grow to be the best of friends.

Hi B. - What has worked for me is to tell my older kids to be gentle with the baby rather than just saying no or stop it. I also let them explore the baby a bit, so to speak. We all sit on the bed together and they check out the baby, touch her, point out her eyes, their eyes, etc. I take their hands and gently pat the baby's belly or rub her head. They've gotten a little overly enthusiastic at times and made baby cry but then I say, that's why we need to be gentle with baby. I also tell them that she's their baby to help take care of and protect. When my son jumped on the bed, I asked him what would happen to the baby if he landed on her. He said she would get hurt so lets not do that. They seem to get it for the most part. Mine are 4, almost 2, and 6 months.
Good luck and congratulations!

HI! I agree with the other Moms that you need to try to get him involved. My daughter was 5 1/2 when her baby sister was born and she made every moment difficult for the 1st week. I then fund ways to get her involved from getting me a drink when I was nursing to getting diapers, picking out outfits, and even folding baby laundry was fun for her. I also gave her a new baby doll to play with while I was busy with the real baby. I know your son is yonger but a baby of his own that he can use to imitate you with might help. I once had someone tell me that boys don't play with dolls but my response is if they are going to be dads why is playing with dolls a problem, just like girls can play with cars since someday they will drive one. Any way congratulations and good luck! A.

My daughter is 19 months, and my newborn is 4 months, and my daughter is over excited about the baby too, however she doesn't seem to get angry or different with me when I tell her no for the 1,000th time. What I do know is be careful not to make it all about the baby, otherwise he may resent the baby. If he is bouncing on the bed, suggest another activity, if he is pinching ask him if he wants to hold the baby (with your help of course). Ask him to get a diaper for you or the wipes when you need to change the baby, these little things made/make the world of difference in my daughter's behavior. Think of it as channeling his excitement to something more constructive, and hopefully using it as a way to not have to say no so often. Good luck!

hi B.;

you got a lot of great advice but i'll throw this in; my son is 3 and my daughter is 16 months and he wasn't at all jealous until she started walking and then he went berserk. he was doing all the obnoxious and sometimes scary things you described. BUT the good news is things have turned around a lot over the past two weeks, and here's why.

the 'date' w your son idea is good, but what you really need are two things; constant, ongoing discipline, and, constant, ongoing, rediculous amounts of love and reassurrance. i now tell my son, not less than 100 times a day and i am not kidding, that he is a good boy and that i love him. i praise every single thing that he does even if it seems rediculous, like, I like how you're using that train toy, and, i like the way you are eating that cookies, that's just how a big boy does it! EVERYTHING. sometimes the affection, the constant hugging and kissing and patting, seems to reach comic proportions, but he needs it and it's really helping.

as for the discipline, we have just started the '1-2-3 Magic' Program , as another mother suggested you do, with a psychologist's help, because things were really getting that bad. we needed results and fast because my son was hitting my daughter and everyone in his class, people on the street, picking fights with kids in the playground, it was insane. we found this guy through our pediatrician and he said to us, Just because it's a book doesn't mean it won't work; your son is great, he's bright, he has a lot going for him, but you need to put boundaries in place TODAY, and this method works.

we have been doing the method for about 2 weeks and we are seeing fantastic results. much as you described, we are sseeing the return of the loving, involved, adorable boy we know. the method is for children 2 to 12 and so far i really believe in it. you can just buy the book on line and do it yourself, you don't need professional help, we just felt that we needed that extra guidance.

good luck to you and remember, your son had no idea what it meant to bring home a new baby, all he knows now is that he has to share you with another person who he could easily squash, and that seems like a convenient answer to him. but he is a good boy, he loves you, and you can help him put his best foot forward once again.

J.

What about creating scenarios so that there are less things/opportunities to have to correct him about? My oldest was almost 3 when his brother was born and I used a pack and play bassinet. There was nothing for him to shake. I fostered mostly positives with him and now almost 5 years later, they are still very good friends.

If you keep focusing on the negative, I am very concerned he is going to come to despise the baby. Child proof the baby the way you do your home. :)

L.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Instead of saying no - tell your son what he should do. For instance, when he wants to touch the baby tell him to tickle baby's toes or kiss his belly. If he still goes for the head to pinch say "that hurts baby, try tickling his toes."

Also try and to preemptively take control before he tries something. As you are walking to the bed remind him that it is quiet time and he can bounce later.

This is all going to take time - you will be repeating yourself ad nauseum - but this is totally new to him and he is just learning.

I know you are tired, but try and be more patient and positive. At 3 he is just a baby himself and really doesn't know right from wrong. Try and stay as calm as possible.