Nervous Little Girl

Your daughter sounds a lot like how I was as a child. Something that helped me then, and that I still use to this day as a tool to settle myself when things feel overwhelming, is a song my mother used to sing to me. Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)

What I find funny is I gave birth to my polar opposite. My daughter is extroverted, gregarious, unreserved, bossy, messy and free spirited but even though at times I just can't relate to her, I love her beyond measure.

When I was a little girl, I used to clutch to an idea that if I couldn't do a job perfectly, it wasn't worth the effort to do it at all. I hated turning in sloppy work. I hung onto today and feared tomorrow. I was, and still am, a worry wart, but when things feel too overwhelming I summon my mother's voice in my mind.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

As parents, we sometimes feel it is our job to eliminate difficult feelings or circumstances. It isn't; it's to help our kids, and ourselves, go through those things EVEN THOUGH it stresses us.

I have 4 very bright kids; two are extremely nervous about anything, and two who get very angry when something doesn't go as they think it "should." The only thing(s) that truly make a difference have to happen after the fact. They need to see that, yes, indeed, they did come through the experience OK. After having that happen over and over (and over and over), they'll start to internalize the idea that, hey, I CAN handle this. (And, if you're very lucky or patient enough to wait until they're adults to hear it, "Hey, Mom really did know what she was talking about.")

You're right to be concerned. As a therapist I'm sure you know that nothing good comes out of the perfectionist/inflexible profile you've described. Not to sound harsh, but you might want to take a hard look at the messages you're sending her. Use yourself as a role model. Make conspicous mistakes and laugh it off, don't put your clothes away, vary your routine. Since she's verbal start a daily conversation about things you did differently, acknowledge and cherish the differences in others. Speak to her strengths,and make sure she knows you love her always, including when she misbehaves and makes mistakes.

It's like you are talking about my son (he's now 26) He was also a perfectionist, and as he got older it did get worse. He was the first child, first grandson on both sides, first nephew, so he was praised, and praised, and I think indirectly we all set him up with the inability to fail. I am not a therapist, just a mom and if I could do it over again I would have allowed him to fail. It did escalate into every part of his life, sports, etc. I also was a very in tuned, over protective mother so that I see now was not a good thing. I never wanted him to feel sad, hurt, etc. so I always made things better. I thought I was doing a good thing and being a good mom but I realize now, I didn't prepare him for failure, and the real world. We did go to therapy when he was a teen and it wasn't until he became a counselor for troubled teens that he got it. I think he related to them on such a deep level that it helped him to grow and see himself as a strong independent man. I also had to change when he was a teen and stop bugging him about his feelings, stop trying to make it all better etc. I feel your pain because it is so difficult to watch your child struggle. I think maybe you need to let her see you fail, tell her it is okay to not be perfect. If she doesn't succeed FORCE her to stick it out. I think helping them through the difficult times, but still allowing them to do it will help them become self reliant, self confident etc. My son also was extremely smart, gifted programs etc. so that brings in a whole bunch of different challenges. I think you are going to have to just pull back off a little, she may get upset but reassure her you are there for her but she needs to do some things on her own, like bedtime. I got my son headphones and he listened to music to fall asleep and that helped. I know when it is your own child all objectivity goes out the window. I know you know what you need to do it is just difficult to do it. Good luck to you mamma, you will be helping her in the long run!!

Sometimes you gotta make 'em be strong for the thing you know they can do.

Our kids didn't "want" to go to bed on their own at first, but we knew they could. So that was the rule. And voila. They learned they could and loved it after that. Same with getting in a pool or anything else.

My first is very advanced and emotional and sensitive. She has mature sadness and insights that are a little alarming soemtimes. She has always wanted me close. My 2nd is gentle and caring and sensitive, but a spunky stubborn boy who will milk the "Scared" card if you let him. My 3rd (girl) was born angry.
We had house rules for all of them, and the temperaments dictated the duration of the lesson, but didnt' change the lesson.

I have friends who are more sensitive to their sensitive kids and sort of don't push them. Their kids stayed scared and more sensitive longer.

We have family who REALLY pushes ALL their kids into stuff even if they're terrified-more than I can bring myself to do. And I hate to admit it, their kids are braver than ours. All of them, even the ones born on the scared side.

Don't be afraid to let her do it. That's how she will learn she can.

As for the perfectionism. As long as you're not feeding that, it's all you can do. Saying things like, I am so proud of how hard your worked at that. Instead of dwelling on winning etc. If you're not demanding she's perfect, that will probably iron out over time.

My firstborn fit your description pretty well. When it was time for her to go to the "big school" (luckily) they had several summer programs that we could attend - Meet your teacher night, meet your classmates picnic, tour the school day. Each was a separate event so kids got to explore each aspect of the school in a different way. This was a HUGE elementary school with more than 1000 students, so it was a bit intimidating. She saw one girl at all three events and her mom and I introduced them and ourselves to each other. The first day of school, she found that same little girl and ran right up to her to say hello, barely turning around to say goodbye to me! I was thrilled! She was fine every day after that. No long goodbye, just running off to play.
So, do some research and see if you can meet up with a couple of kids in her class, maybe at the school playground, or some neutral place without any pressure to interact. See if the school has any meet and greet things and go to every one. She will feel more comfortable if she has more familiarity. Also check out the "goodbye" policy and discuss ahead of time. You may have to do your goodbye routine at home before drop off. Our current school does not allow parents on campus, drop off is at the main building.

Sounds to me that you might just need to relax and not try so hard. Accept her as she is, nervous or not. Being nervous is a part of what introverted people are. When she's nervous, allow her to be nervous while you tell her that you know she can do this. Then allow her to do it and perhaps fail. Stop trying to make the world perfect for her.

As to strengthening your own sense of self, be positive when you talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you don't have to be a perfect parent just because you're a therapist. I wonder if she's perfectionisitic in part, at least, because you are perfectionistic. I suggest, as you suggested, that you're too close to your daughter to be realistic in assessing the way that you parent. I would guess that you are on top of things with her but you lack confidence. That is just what comes thru for me from reading your post.

You know how to strengthen her sense of self. There are no tricks for doing it. Acceptance as she is, praise, and all the other things you wrote about doing. It's OK to be nervous. As she matures she'll gain more confidence from having the successes you're setting up for her and which happen in her life.

You calm fears just by being there. Hold her hand. Tell her you know she's nervous and you know she'll be just fine. Focus more on the expected success than the fear.

If staying in the room without you staying is a concern I suggest the first step is for you to know that she can do it and that you don't need to protect her by staying. She will overcome the fear much quicker if you aren't giving her the message that you're worried about how she feels.

Be matter of fact. One way to teach this sort of independence is to talk with her about how you're going to do a new bedtime routine. Do the "bath, story, hugs" ritual. After you tuck her in you're going to leave because you know that she is alright. Tell her you will come in and check on her in 5 minutes. Go back out. Then wait 10 minutes and go back in and check on her. Increase the length of time in between checks. Just give her a pat or in some minor way acknowledge your presence but don't get sucked into tears and stay. Leave, say you'll be back and then go back. It may take several nights of doing this. Eventually she'll realize that you are still there and will take care of her.

I suggest you have to show her by leaving and staying gone for a length of time that you are confident that she can do this. When you stay with her you are telling her she's right when she thinks she can't be alone.

I suggest that when you have confidence in yourself and in her that she will be less fearful. One of my well used phrases for myself is to fake it until I make it. That is probably what will help you in regards to leaving her in her room. You can do it!

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Do not question whether she can or can't, especially in front of her. Have a YES you can attitude.

Instead of fretting about how she will do and handle things state to her "You are going to PreK today and it will be fun"
You must go to bed now, here is teddy, no more water or getting up.

Do not give her choices that are not hers to choose,
Do you need mommy in here is not a choice. Good night, I love you, stay in bed is her choice. Would you loke this story ot that one is a choice for her to make.

Give her plenty of time to adjust ot the new school environment. Go visit the new school/class/teacher this summer. This goes for her whole school career. Even colleges don't want you to just pick them out of the hat and go. They want you to meet professors, see the campus, "taste" the whole environment.

Let her now ahead of time the new rules of the new school if you can. Do they line up on a certain wall, DO they have a certain place that the preK has lunch? Where is the bathroom? Does she need a pass?

I'm sure she will be fine.