Neighbor's Recent Request

I would say I am sorry we can't do it. I am not comfortable with my 12 year old being responsible for another child's safety. I hope you can find a solution. period.

JenB has good advice. And since she sent a msg via FB send it back the same way. If it was that big of a deal she would/could/should have stopped by and had a face to face.

If she was asking for you to be the backup plan, I'd agree to help out. But to commit to doing it every single day is a bit much. That's not being neighborly, that's being taken advantage of.

I would just say, "Although I understand your dilemma, I could help out on a rare occasion but I just don't feel comfortable being responsible for your kids every day." This just screams problems. Good luck.

I asked a neighbor (three doors down) to pick my son up from school and drop him at home for me when I had a back injury that kept me from being able to drive everyday. I offered to pay her so much a week to cover gas and effort. My son normally rode the bus but the stop was too far for me to walk and my son was in Kinder and couldn't walk alone. My husband could take him in the mornings, but afternoons were all on me.

She told me that she didn't feel comfortable doing that and I thanked her for being honest with me. (Inside I was a little disappointed, but it forced me to think outside of the box).

I called the school and told them I was having trouble getting my son on and off the bus due to the injury and the stop being so far from my house. You know what?? the school helped me arrange to have the bus stop moved to the end of my driveway. Where on bad days I could stand on the porch and watch him get on and off and wave at the driver. And on good days I could hobble down to the end of the driveway and say hello to the driver and watch my son get on or off the bus. The driver had had a similar injury and was very sympathetic, just a wonderful man.

So my neighbor by saying no...forced me to think outside the box for help...and it worked out even better than if she had said yes.

So, do not feel guilty saying no...she will just have to find other options or help...the school might even be able to help her...

HUGS to you!!

Remember these words,

You're lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.

You were not looking for a job.
You decide whether you want one.

ETA: if you decide to do this, and it sounds like you are leaning that way, you need to make sure your 12 yr old is compensated. I'd say, $10 a week, that's 5 days @ $2 a day. Reasonable.

Let me get this straight, you have two kids, nine and twelve, and you are saying you have a hard time getting your kids ready? You are saying a twelve year old is not old enough to be responsible to help the girl with her seat belt?

So glad you are not my neighbor. Around here we help each other.

Sorry I know I sound harsh but you sound like you are making excuses not to help a neighbor. Hope nothing happens in your world that you will need help from your neighbors in the future.

You drive your kids to the bus stop? Alright I think we live in different worlds. My kids have walked to the stop since first grade and no, it is not that close to our house.

I made a decision some years back that I would not solve other people's lives for them. I did this bc I am a big softie!! So in your situation I would just say, ' sorry friend, I have a hard enough time getting my kiddos to the bus daily, hope you get it sorted out.' I wouldn't worry over it again after that. It is her issue, not yours. Good luck!

I'd be happy to help every once in a while, but asking you to pick her children up in your car every morning, and then have your kids be responsible for hers every day is too much. Maybe for a really close friend, but not a neighbor you barely talk to. What happens when your 12 year old stays home sick, or your family goes on vacation? And what if your 12 year old wants to go to a friend's house after school? Or what if her kids are running late? How long would you wait in her driveway? Would you have to get out every day and walk her kid to your car? Install a car seat so she can legally ride to the bus stop with you?

Plus, is she going to want your kids to walk hers back to her house in the afternoons? I can't imagine that a four year old would be expected to walk home alone.

It's so very hard to say no when someone says you're their only option - but if this isn't something you are excited about doing, just say no. You don't owe her an explanation or an apology, it's just something you can't do.

I had a similar situation with the neighbor's 3 kids (letting them walk home with us until their mom got home from work). Big mistake. I was exhausted. They all ended up staying for an hour and I never had enough food for their snack (my dd eats like a bird and I only have one so I don't buy a lot of food). None of this was part of the deal, but I wound up holding the bag. I finally scheduled some after school activities and told my neighbor I wasn't available because we had places to go after school. Whew!

I'm a helpful person and often have a hard time saying "no" too, but this woman is being ridiculous. I mean, she asked you this over Facebook?! Who arranges their child's carpool and care this way?
Just say no.
Say, I'm sorry I won't be able to help you out, but that just doesn't work for me, I'm simply too pressed for time in the morning and am not comfortable with my child securing someone else's child on the school bus. I hope you're able to arrange something else. Good luck.

You drive to the bus stop, yes? Personally I would never commit to that. For one thing, imagine the potential chaos (would it be temporary, or all year?) if one of your kids or her kids got sick, was running late, etc.

I'd say "I'm so sorry I can't help, but our morning schedule is already full. Hope you figure out something that works." I'm all for being neighborly, but her request is just too much responsibility on you. Good luck.

I wouldn't wait to tell her. I'd say "sorry, mornings around here are a bear for us, and I simply don't have the time" and leave it at that. Or if you know of anyone that may be able to help her out - tell her. But you can't NOT say no, because how will your school year end up then? What about if your kids are sick, and you don't go to school that day? Just remember, you don't owe her this, and don't let her bully you into doing it. If she doesn't have time to take care of her own kids, she doesn't have time to do daycare.

I agree with those who said they would do it occassionally, but not every day.

I signed up to do every day morning care for a family when I was newly pregnant with my second. They lived close, but I had to drive. That meant my 1 year old daughter and I had to get up and go to their house, get the kids ready, and get them on the bus. It was okay, until they told me they weren't paying me 1.5 weeks in to doing it. Umm, I'm not free labor!

I quit that week. My husband had been friends with them for years, and that kind of fizzled out because I wouldn't do free childcare for them.

Don't do it.

smile pleasantly and say firmly 'i'm sorry, i simply cannot be responsible for your children.'
walk away.
khairete
S.

I would say no.

Our buses don't have seat belts, so not sure what that is all about. I'm guessing this woman doesn't realize that buses aren't equipped that way.

I drive my kids to the bus stop, too. But I actually drive them to a different stop on the route (it picks up a full 35 minutes later than our stop, and even then, they are picked up an hour and ten minutes before school starts). I would not commit myself to doing this daily for a neighbor.
Something comes up and she has an issue for next Tuesday? Fine. But on a daily basis? No.
She needs to figure out another way to manage this. This is ongoing, daily for 10 months of the year, and for next year, and the year after that.

Why doesn't this woman have her kids walk to the bus stop? It is multiple kids, right? Not just one. Did I read that right?

I personally am not a morning person, and if something goes awry and my kids miss the bus, then I drive them all the way to school. That's on me. What happens if you guys miss the bus and you are responsible for the other kids? Do her kids even go to the same school as your kids? The bus my kids ride in the morning has kids going to an elementary school, the 9th grade center/high school and the middle school, in that order, all on different campuses miles apart (the 9th grade center is attached to the high school at the bus port).

It's a 25 MILE drive to take my kids to school (one way). To additionally go to an elementary school that I wouldn't otherwise be going to, would add another 10 miles to the drive, plus another 15 minutes (I used to do it when my daughter went there, so I know). I would never obligate myself to the potential for that daily.
And what if this neighbor (who didn't get her ducks in a row about how to get her kids on the school bus already) also isn't organized enough to have them ready on time in the mornings and makes your kids miss the bus?

No. no no no.
In a pinch, for a day? Okay, I'll help out. Not as a regular thing. No.
---

Honestly, what it sounds like to me is she realized that you drive your kids to the stop (for whatever reason--around here, the sand gnats are pure torture and they eat you alive in about 3 minutes unless you cover yourself completely in DEET), and decided that she didn't want her kids to have to walk, either. So, since you are driving, you might as well benefit her children as well. BUT, It's a choice you are making to do this for your kids. She chose something else. I'm guessing she isn't doing the daycare as a neighborly gesture; she is getting paid. But she is expecting you to essentially act as a nanny for her kids for 15 minutes every single morning of the school year, for free.

Wow, I think you need some boundaries with this lady, quick!

She seriously should have thought about this as a business arrangement and not a favor, esp. if you are to be responsible for ensuring that her child is buckled in. (It's inappropriate to put that responsibility on another child, IMO.)

She does have other options, just not ones she wants to utilize. When I ran my preschool, my son's preschool program ended before mine did. (I chose to start late to walk him to preschool, and ended later as a result.) I hired a stay at home dad to provide aftercare for my son. (I was not rich, either, it just got factored into my overhead.) I also knew that I needed to have some back-up options, which were mostly work-from-home friends who had some flexibility; worst case scenario, my husband would pick him up.

Your neighbor may need you because she's desperate, but you don't have to be desperate along with her. Either decide to do it for a small fee, with the caveat that she MUST have fallback arrangements and must have her child ready to go at a specific time-- and have it all in writing-- or tell her that you've just got your hands too full and are unable to help her.

You can likely also refer her to before-care at the school if they offer this. Or she should look into hiring a helper who can step out with her daughter in the morning and help with morning transitions for a few hours.

I'd be wary of anyone who asks for a permanent 'favor' like this without even offering anything in return. She does have options, it's just that this one may be the easiest on her and thus, the first one that comes to mind. Decide what you are willing (or not) to do and make your boundaries with her accordingly.

I would be honest. I would say I was not comfortable being so responsible for her child EVERY morning. And your daughter should not have to responsible for this child. What if there is an accident and the child was not buckled in to that mothers expectations?

What do other children do? Don't they buckle themselves in?

Does the bus driver help the young ones the first week?

Maybe the kids could walk to your house and then you all walk together?
I would not mind every once in a while, but every day?

A bit presumptuous especially since you do not really know them.

Follow your mommy heart and brain.

As a neighbor, I would be more than happy to help out in a pinch, or if she had an injury and needed help for a few weeks. To me, it is a bit like the difference between asking your neighbor for a cup of sugar and an egg to finish your baking project versus asking them to do all of your grocery shopping every week, since you will be at the grocery store anyway. Saying yes to one is neighborly. Saying yes to the other would make sense if there was an emergency or serious illness, not as a regular commitment because running to the store doesn't fit well in their work schedule.
A couple of years ago, I arranged to have my sister in law pick up my son after preschool and watch him for .5 to 1.5 hours 3-4 days a week. We paid her. It turned into a nightmare, she felt like she was being taken advantage of, we were angry because she had agreed to the arrangement and the pay, she constantly held it over our heads. We finally found another solution- because she wasn't our only option, we just had to pay more for an alternative. I am guessing that this arrangement would quickly make you angry and resentful, given that you already do not want to do it.

Tell her you're not comfortable having your 12 yo be responsible for her preschooler and your work schedule is too tight.
I personally would not respond to a help request on facebook. At least, have the decency to ask in person.

I would just say I am sorry I can't do it.

Maybe you should point out that Preschool is optional and if she can't work it out, her child can't attend.

It doesn't really sound like his would work for you since you are on your way to work and don't usually wait around for the bus to come. I would not make my 12 year old responsible for her preschooler.

The first thing that jumped out at me though is the fact that this woman who you don't really know, contacts you by FB rather than to knock on your door! I wouldn't even have responded. If she wants to ask me a favor, she can come to my house to ask.

School buses have seat belts? That's a new one. Ours don't. Why can't her kid buckle herself in? And if she has more than one kid, why can't one of hers be responsible for the non-buckler? And why do you drive to the bus stop? Sorry for all of the questions but none of this makes any sense to me.

Tell her you are sorry, but some days your own kids can be a handful, and you can't take on the responsibility for more. Short and simple. It was fine for her to ask, but really out of line of her to tell you that you are her only option. And to tell you your CHILD had to be responsible for ensuring the safety of hers. I would be annoyed.

Most schools have a beforecare program which might be a good option in this case.

Baloney that you're her only option.

She can pack everyone up and take her kids to the bus, she just doesn't want to. I don't know how long she's been doing in home daycare, but she needs to plan it around her own kids. She can't expect someone else to be responsible and "her only option" for dealing with her kids. If the time her daycare opens coincides with bus stop time, she needs to change that.

I don't mind helping someone if they're sick or injured, but would not let myself be taken advantage of or inconvenienced due to someone else's poor planning.

Even if it's a little white lie, tell her that in order to get to work on time, you drop the kids at the stop and don't even wait for the bus to come (unless it's raining). Waiting for the bus, and taking the time to buckle her child in, would make you late for work and you just can't do it.

She went on FB because she doesn't have your phone number, and didn't remember your last name to google you.

She's using you.

That said, I'd do it.

But I'd negotiate. Over FB. Tell her you can help her out with her problem if she can help you out with a problem. Once per week you can leave your kids in her daycare for 2 hours so that you can go to the grocery store and run errands. She can pick the best 2 hours that work for her. You spend an extra 10 seconds buckling some kid in and everybody wins!

Not family, not friend, HUGE liability if something were to happen - my answer would be "Heck NO!" However, in response I would just tell her "I'm sorry but I am not comfortable taking on additional responsibility."

I would never ask someone for something like this. I don't even feel comfortable having our LOs visiting our family members without one of us present. I would hate to have someone - especially someone I don't even really know, feel obligated to take care of my children (young children) unless of course I was paying them and then of course I would also make sure they were licensed, had CPR/first aid training, etc.

"Oh, they just jump in as I'm heading out and jump out at the stop. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them in charge of younger kids under those conditions. So sorry, but that wouldn't work for us."

What was she doing before? Is this their first year in school?

Some people with younger children don't seem to get that you experience rites of passage with your children. As they graduate to higher levels of development and trust, etc., you get to leave that behind, too. Her request is like someone asking you to keep their newborn overnight for days at a time just after you've re-established your sleeping pattern. It's okay to help out in a pinch, but to be assigned that as a regular duty? Nope. When you tend to other people's children, you don't want it to cost you over an extended period of time.

Tina:

There's nothing to figure out. You don't want to do this, right?

What do you say? You say - NO. She sent it to you via FACEBOOK?! Well shucky-darn...it's SOO important she can't pick up the phone and call you nor come to your door and ask you to your face? Sorry. It's not THAT important to her, call me callus but really? If I need help with my kid with someone I really don't know? I'm not going to send them a facebook message....I'm going to knock on their door!!! Why are you allowing her to make you feel bad? Why are you even considering this?

Here's the thing - if her child is required to be buckled up for the school bus? Then the DRIVER is responsible for that. There's NO WAY I would make my child responsible for buckling in another.

You DRIVE your kids to the school bus? I understand that Iowa has a lot of small towns, but I thought Newton was actually considered a mid-size town in Iowa. Why can't they walk to the bus stop?

Aren't your kids a tad older - like 5th and 7th grade? So her young child is riding the bus with the older kids?

Why do you have a struggle getting your kids out the door? Mine are 11 and 13 and it's THEIR responsibility to get up, get ready, get breakfast, and out the door. Yes, I am up with them. However, they are 11 and 13 and should know how to do these things - it's called time management - they have to learn it sometime, right?

I would tell her no. I'm sorry, I won't be responsible for getting your child buckled in. Maybe your husband can do it? Maybe he can get his hours changed at work so that he can take care of HIS child?

Lack of planning on your part - does not constitute an emergency on my part. Yes, it can be cold, however, it's the truth. She didn't plan this out too well and now she's scrambling.

I'm sorry if I digressed - but it seems like you have a lot going on in this post....So, long and short.

The answer is no. I cannot be responsible for your child nor will I allow my oldest to be responsible for buckling your child up.

Your children need to be responsible for their mornings. Simple as that. This should NOT be a battle and it should not be a hard time. Give them alarms, have them be responsible for their mornings and getting off to the bus. (they can set their clothes out the night before, they can make their lunches the night before, they can be responsible.

Her husband can step up to the plate. IF that can't happen? Then I guess she needs to learn how to manage her day care and family responsibilities. If my child attended her day care - I would be okay with them walking to the bus stop together. Maybe she can do that.

Good luck!

I wouldn't want to do it on a daily basis either. Just tell her you can't do it. You are running for the bus as it is or your mornings are too hectic and you would not have time to pick up her kids. If she is annoyed so be it. It was pretty nervy to spring this on you a week before school started and to try to guilt you into it. Wow! I hope she was going to pay you for this service.

If the kid is school aged why does someone need to buckle her in?

I think it's great to be neighborly and sometimes we have to do more than we anticipated, but you don't know her very well and she asked you via facebook??? You could tell her you are willing to help out a bit but you don't feel comfortable with an everyday commitment because of your own chaos in the morning. Maybe you could do it 2 days a week. Ask her what her backup plan is if your kids don't go to school and do that the other 3 days. I think it's actually good for children to learn to help and take care of each other, it builds character, but maybe she could make arrangements with the bus driver so all the responsibility doesn't fall on your family.

If you are considering it, then to make it fair I would propose some kind of exchange of services. I think that's only right. The exchange should also benefit your 12-year old, since she is the one who will be responsible for buckling the child in. Also, who will unbuckle the child once the bus stops? Is that your 12-year old's responsibility too?

I think neighbors helping neighbors is important, but I also think that an even exchange of help is necessary to keep resentment from forming. I'm pretty sure NO ONE here would like to continuously help a neighbor every day for nothing in return! It actually is quite a responsibility if you think about the every day effect of it. It's just one more thing to think about in the morning.

I would set up the boundaries as well, like she has to be ready on time and what you need to do if your children are sick and are not going to school. She will have to make alternate arrangements.

Good luck!

I've been through something similar. My neighbor (one I spoke to often) asked if she could drop her daughter off 20 min before we left for school and take her to school. I did not want to promise that or be stuck in that situation. I didn't want to run my morning routine around this other person. So I simply told her I couldn't do it and the mom found alternate arrangements. I did step in and help her out occasionally when her other plans hit a snag and I will continue to lend a hand occasionally, but I don't want it expected daily.

You are just going to have to have the tough talk and just tell her you aren't comfortable with making that commitment to her. I'd just be honest, " I know you are in a bind, but our mornings are hectic and I just can't add another kid to the mix . I am also not comfortable with my daughter having responsibility of your child."

That's overstepping IMO. What does she plan to do when/if your children are sick and don't go? What if you have appointments to be to and don't have the extra 10 minutes to do this for her?

If you feel like being nice, tell her you can do it the first month or few weeks of school, but then she'll have to make other arrangements. Stick to your guns. That's a lot of responsibility for you and your kids 5 days per week, with nothing offered in return. I'm afraid to say, she sounds like a user and manipulator. I understand she has to work, but then she's putting her parenting responsibilities off onto someone she barely knows. Not good.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I have to agree with Flaming Turnip's answer. I strongly value having good neighbors and being a good neighbor, and helping each other out is how to establish that.

Do you work or do you stay at home? If you go to work in the morning after dropping your kids off at the bus stop, then I can understand not wanting the extra stress of being responsible for more kids, and running the risk of being late to work. However, if you stay at home or don't go to work until later in the day, then why not help out a working mother? It's hard to be a full-time working mother, and if anyone should understand that it should be other moms. It will be especially hard for her to get her kids to the bus stop if she has a group of little children in tow, so why shouldn't she ask you since she knows you're already going there with your kids?

Of course there should be boundaries that should be established before hand. If your kids are sick, she will have to figure out a way to get her kids to the bus stop. If her kids are running late, you aren't going to wait. In exchange for you taking her kids to the bus stop each morning, she could provided childcare for you when you need help. (Maybe on a day when school is closed and you have errands to run or have to go to work; or maybe she could watch you kids for an evening so you can have a date night, etc)

If you want to have a good neighborly relationship, then help your neighbors out, and they will help you out when you need it. (If you help her but she will never help you, that's another story... you don't need to be a door mat either)

PS-tell her that any future conversations of importance should be face-to-face or via phone. I don't think Facebook is an acceptable means of communicating important messages or messages that you want a reply to.

It sounds like her daughter is in Pre-K or kindergarten. I'd tell her that I don't plan on getting out of the vehicle and that if the kids don't want to help her buckle then someone else would have to do it. That you wear your jammies in the car in the morning. Something to make her understand you're not going to buckle her child in.

Call the bus barn and ask what they do if the kiddo can't buckle themselves. If they can't buckle themselves they may not be able to ride the bus at all.

I think it's nice to be a helpful neighbor. I also think that you should get some money for this.

She may have had someone lined up to do this but they fell through at the last moment. It sounds like she does need help but if she really had no options she could put all the kiddo's in her vehicle and take the kiddo to the bus stop herself.

I did this when I had a center. If I had kids that made the ratio's over the limit for the teachers I had in the building then I took some kids with me. I never had any parent not agree for me to take the kids in my vehicle with me. I made them sign a release when I had them sign the parent agreement.

Our In-Home childcare provider takes all of the kids to the bus stop in the morning and afternoon - a little walk twice a day. Perhaps she could do that too and you could offer to do that in a pinch like when it's raining - a lot. You are not her only option. Truly, this is not something I could commit to doing. The way our mornings go we are lucky to get places just a few minutes late - getting to school on time/early is going to be a whole new world.

I'd probably consider it, but my husband would end up putting his foot down because he wouldn't want to be responsible for them on the days that he has to take her to the bus stop.

But then, the bus stop by our house is just a couple of doors down, so if our daughter rode the bus (she doesn't because I work, so I pay someone to take her to and from school and watch her afterwards till work is over) she would walk herself down there to wait with the other neighborhood kids.

If she wants your child to be responsible for her child, she should offer to pay her. It's not you or your child's responsibility to get hers to the bus unless you want to.

If you don't mind and don't think it will be too much of a hassle then tell her that you will try it out for a month. If it doesn't work, then you will let her know. If you do decide it isn't working, give her a little time to figure out her plan (like a week).

Drive to bus stop? Your kids are old. Why can't they walk? Do they take the same bus? I think your kids can help, there have been many times in the 40 years here that, without the help of my neighbors, I don't know what I would have done. I know I would do it. I would stipulate that if I had to leave early or if kids were sick, I would not be available. I mean she is not dropping them off at your house an hour before. You do something kind, and someday you will be on the receiving end.

I might be willing to take on the responsibility of taking my neighbor's kid to the bus stop, but I would NOT be okay with her wanting to make my kid resposnible for getting her kid strapped in. How young is this kid? My daughter could fasten her own seat belt long before she started kindergarten.

NOOOOO WAYYYYYY!!!! wow some folks really have alot of nerve huh? if you dont wanna do it-then dont do it!! for her to via facebook you for this.REALLLY?...not your responsibility..i would blow her off..simply because-she shouldve asked like any good mom-by knocking on your door..dont get caught up-cuz next shell be having you help with her daycare garbage,....

I would have said that maybe you could earn some free daycare from her, but then you mentioned that your kids are significantly older and that you don't really know her well. So in that case, the only real option is to be direct. Nice, but direct...very very direct. Explain that your kids are old enough to just be dropped off and that it wouldn't be reasonable or safe to have your children responsible for a little preschooler with no adult present. What if they got distracted (as kids do) and the little one stepped into the street and was injured or killed. Just not a good idea. As someone mentioned, preschool is optional.