Neice Living with Us and Causing Stress

I just wanted to say how impressed I was with you. You are 27 and doing so much with class and wisdom. May all the plates you are spinning stay in balance.

First I want to praise you for your willingness to take your neice in to your home. As you say, it will definitely add stress, especially at first.
I think you need to treat her the same way you treat your own children while she is living with you. You are making her a part of your family so she shouldn't get "special" treatment. Treating people with respect is an important ground rule. With the gay friends, you can explain that even if you don't agree with someone's actions, you can still accept the person and treat them respectfully, just as you will treat her respectfully and accept her even when you don't agree with her actions.
But also remember that all children are different and have different needs, so sometimes our responses are different. Also, all of your rules are new to her, so she may be a bit overwhelmed with all the new ways of doing things. She also may "test" you some to see if you really care about her and will still accept her even when she breaks the rules. Find ways to make her feel accepted in to the family, like letting her pick an activity or even a meal she likes.
I would think she feels some rejection by her parents since she is living with you instead of them, so try to find ways to let her know that she is accepted and loved.

First of all, you are doing a wonderful job teaching your children that all people are different and that is OK- imagine if everyone taught their children that way!

Second, with your neice keep doing what you are doing. Keep reinforcing the rules with her. It may be repetitive but eventually she will learn her boundaries - and it mya take a while! Make sure that all the kids get some individual attention, even your neice. Even if this means that they each get their own individual story time it doesn't have to be a big adventure!

Also, teach your neice that you have an open door policy, If she is feeling frustrated or upset that she can come and talk to you and or your husband.

Asking her to abide by your house rules is exactly how it should be. If she continues to break rules my discipline suggestion is to make her write a short essay on what she did and why it was wrong. Believe me at her age this form of discipline works - its summertime she doesn't want to be writing essays!!!

Good luck!

Hi K.
My name is S.. I am a mom of 4 kids 8,3,2, and 2 mos. I have also been a foster mom for 6 years. My best advice to you is to keep consistency. She is going to push every button you have to make sure you are not going to throw her away back to her parents. She is going to have to feel that she can trust you and the only way for her to do that is through your consistency. I knmow she is 10 but putting up an expectaion chart on her bedroom door and maybe a wall that she sees frequently to help her remember your rules and her responsibilites. Also try to find time that you 2 can have some girl time so she can start forming that bond with you. Makybe paint nails together go to the mall, bake she prob never did much of that. Also I think your situation with your friends she will have to adapt. She will prob push your buttons with it but again everytime before they come over set your expectations with her. IT is going to take a lot of work on you and yhour husbands part vut you can give thsi girl something she has never had before. I do therapuetic fostercare and I take in teenage girls and moms. My girls have had similiar situations to her but alot worse. I would love to get together with you sometime if you would like. Help come up with a game plan. O and I am only 30 so I started when I was 24. YOu are doing such a wonderful thing. Kepp it up and don't give up on her. Be strong.
S.
____@____.com

First, how very commendable for you& your husband to take in your neice when you already have a full household of kids!

I think her behavior at the park towards your daughter was more of a defense mechanism and it sounds like she does not come from a very happy or nuturing environment which is very unfortunate for you since you will be dealing directly with the aftereffects of all of this :/

As for the gay issue, I would keep a close eye on her the next time they are over for dinner because it sounds like she may make some inappropriate comments which I am sure your gay friends will know how to handle anyway but you should nip her negative behavior (all around) in the bud. Your husband does need to change his way of thinking. His neice is staying in YOUR house and is now under your care so you should treat her as one of your own and she should abide by your rules or face the consequences. If her parents don't care then she is probably used to having free reign and though she will fight towards this new, caring environment where everyone is responsible and accountable for their actions and expected to be respectable, I am sure it will take her a while to get used to a "controlled" caring environment vs what she has grown up with. GOOD LUCK!

I would say it doesn't matter if she's not your daughter. When other children are in your home, they need to understand and abide by your rules (this is iron clad in my house and anyone coming to visit is made aware of it and prepared to back up my rules in my home). Just sit her down and tell her that one of your rules is respect for everyone. Explain to her what this means, she may not know. Be very plain and give lots of examples so she can use them to figure out the right thing to do as situations crop up later.

You are in a position of authority over her right now because she is living in your home. You can explain that to her too. Maybe tell her that her mom and dad have left her in your care for right now and she is to abide by your decisions. Make it very clear that if she continues to disrespect the other family members, there will be consequences. If you do not establish your willingness to enforce the rules, she will simply walk all over you. The most important thing I can tell you is to never threaten anything you can't follow through with. If you are going to threaten a specific discipline for a specific behavior, then you have to be prepared to immediately enforce that when the behavior manifests. This is also the most efficient way of returning your home to harmony, since she will know right off that you mean business and she shouldn't tangle with you. She will have taken the first and biggest step toward understanding that the house is a much more pleasant place to live in when everyone is making an effort to get along.

Best of luck, this must be a tough one.

i think you should continue to talk with your neice. you are doing the right thing and she is acting out to see if you are going to love her not matter what or only if she behaves. I applaud your efforts to take on such a responsibility to help out with your neice. Just be consistent with all the kids and she will realize she is welcome. I think she wants some attention because she has not been getting enough at home. Good luck and you will succeed, kids need consistency and loving parents.

I would look up information on stepparenting and foster parenting, as that's basically what you're doing. Maybe those resources can help with her behavior.

My cousin used to tell us crazy stuff just like that when we first moved to the town our grandparents lived. I think it was her own insecurity talking. I went to my mom who said that was absolutely not true so my sister and I obeyed our mom, not our cousin. I think that you need to give your daughter the tools to speak up for herself so she doesn't end up ostracized by the kids or run over by her cousin.

I also think that you and your DH need to talk about how to treat your niece. If you are the "adults in charge" then you need to treat her accordingly. She's not just there for a day. You said she's come to live with you. So treat her like any of the other kids. Bedtimes, chores, expectations, etc. If she's living there, she's one of your children.

Regarding your friends, she's new to the experience and needs some time, I think. I would just hold her to the expectation that she be civil and not rude to your friends, gay, straight, purple, whatever. They are people. She may always believe what her father does, but she can at least behave appropriately to their faces.

You're taking on a challenge. It will take time.

Also...hopefully this move has given you legal rights to take her for medical treatment. She might benefit from counseling as well. She's been through a lot. If not counseling from an outside source, talk to her guidance office.

Hope that helps.

In terms of the anti-gay issue...

The hateful attitude your niece is learning from her father and the "church" she has been attending will not serve her well out in the real world. Whatever one's view of homosexuality (an intrinsic trait v. a "choice") gays and lesbians should be treated with the respect due any human being. In some jurisdictions, sexual orientation is a "protected status" - that is, mis-treating homosexuals is as bad as mis-treating people based on their race, or gender, or religion.

Your niece has had no contact with gays (as far as she knows). Getting to know your friends, and seeing that you accept them as they are will (one hopes) teach her that gays aren't "Those Evil People Who Will Go to Hell." If the living arrangement turns out to be more long-term, look into age-appropriate books about "different" families - not just those with gays/lesbians, but also multi-racial, multi-generational, and step-families. The librarian in the children's section should be able to make some recommendations.

You are doing a great thing by helping this child while her family is going through a bad time. She is probably troubled by the situation and needs love. She will feel loved when you enforce the rules with her because then she will know you care. Hang in there and don't sacrifice your values for the possibility of offending someone else. You're doing a great job!

I think you are handling it great - just by reinforcing your rules and standards in your house. You can't expect her to change quickly, if ever. All you can do is lay down expectations for behavior while living in your home and keep repeating them. You may not be able to change her views on homosexuality (isn't all sex gross to 10-year-olds, as it shoud be?), but she can be asked to keep her comments on it to herself.

K.:

Hello! I'm sorry to hear you are going through this but I want to commend you on opening your home to your niece - taking in another child can be a hard thing.

1. Rules are rule - while she is under your roof, she MUST obey the rules. The rules MUST be the same for all in the house. If it means that you need to make a rule chart - so be it - that way EVERYONE knows the rules.

2. If she doesn't follow the rules - like any other child in the house, consequences happen. If you do X, then the consequence for that action is Y. It must be age appropriate but still basically the same for all children.

This child NEEDS stability. It appears you are offering her that. ALL children MUST HAVE AND NEED boundaries - period. If she has lived her life without rules and boundaries, she is probably in shock right now.

In shock can make a child do funky things - it's likely she's running scared and afraid that she will be abandoned yet again - because in essence, she was abandoned and that's what's going through her head - if she "isolates" your daughter, then she will have someone focus on her. However, it's entirely possible, that your daughter is jealous of her and is making up stories to get attention. I'm not saying that's the case - but unless you witnessed it with your own eyes and ears, it could have happened!

If being "open minded" is how you raise your family - while she's under your roof, she must learn to "filter" her thoughts vs. speaking them out loud.

EVERY person deserves respect no matter what their decisions/sexual preferences are in life. The rules in our house are "do unto others as you would have done onto you" - simple for kids - if you wanted to be treated with love and kindness, you have to give it - it's not a one-way street!

If she cannot look past a person's sexual preference, she will miss out on some great people in this world! Just because one is gay doesn't mean they are a bad person. She is allowed to THINK the way she wants, but she cannot be disrespectful to your guests - PERIOD.

I hope this helps! I also wanted to say THANK YOU to you and your husband for his service and both of your sacrifices to our country!

Best regards,

Cheryl

Hi K.,

I think your best approach is to treat all of the children the exact same. Your niece sounds like she may be doing some of this to get attention, which would be normal coming from a home where she is ignored. She will feel more loved and cared about if she has the exact same rules as the other children and the same consequences. Especially if this may turn into a longer term thing. The golden rule for foster parenting is start out strict and then you can bend the rules when the kids gain your trust and they will love you for it. Start out a softy and then get strict and the kids will hate you for it.

Kids need boundaries and it sounds like your niece is pushing them. She needs to know that someone cares enough to push back. That is how kids feel loved, someone notices enough to care.

I am a sahm of a 1 year old boy with a 17 yo girl living with us. She is here because her family didn't care and couldn't handle her and so she is very depressed, has attempted suicide and cuts. However she has been a different kid since living in my home, but we set clear boundaries and expectations and enforced them. She has not cut since being here, is doing better with therapy, and I have seen her smile more than she has in months maybe years. Be thankful that you are taking in your niece while she is still a whole person and a moldable child.

I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to read all of your responses, but the feeling I got from the first bunch was that most of your advice was going to be along the "our house, our rules" front, which is fine, except that I think that misses a very important, and poignant, reality for this little girl: she's never gotten the love and attention she desperately needs, and now her parents -- the people who are supposed to love and care for her unconditionally! -- have essentially rejected her and passed her off onto (wonderful, loving) relatives.

this little girl is in pain. you need to understand that, first and foremost. try to absorb some of her acting out with the understanding that she's a young, immature creature who doesn't know how to be loved, and with that understanding just simply show her what it means to be a part of something bigger than she is, part of a real family. teach her how to trust you, to lean on you, to be loved by you. show her that it's ok to believe you when you say you're there for her, it's ok to be vulnerable. teach her these things by living them, by being gentle and kind and by choosing love, even when she doesn't reciprocate. it will be hard, but the results will be much much greater than any discipline you can instill by fighting her and enforcing rules. she will follow your rules when you are her source of love and strength. it bears repeating: she will follow your rules when you are her source of love and strength. if she needs you, which she will if you are her source of love and strength, then she will fiercely protect and safeguard her relationship with you. which means she will naturally, innately imitate you and try to please you.

remember, you're the grownup. and while it's hard to absorb the nastiness of some kids when they're hurting, especially if they lash out at your children, if you don't, she will only get worse. but, you also do need to safeguard your kids, protect their relationship with you and with her. one way to do that is just to talk to them, make sure that they know that you are still a source of love and strength to them, too. remind them often that you love them and that your family is growing and this is a tough time for everyone. you can even enlist their help; remind them that she hasn't had the advantage of a solid, stable, loving family (as they have), and that you all need to come together as a family to show her what a real family does for one another.

I know in this day and age it sounds a little hokey. but you will be amazed at how quickly this little girl (b/c no matter what anyone says, she is still a very little girl) will respond to your overtures if you are gentle, kind and patient. don't worry too much about discipline until you have her trust, b/c without trust, you can't really have reliable discipline, and once you have her trust the discipline is easy. really!

good luck, and remember, you're doing a magical thing here. you're a good person.

Hello K.,

First I want to say that you are a wonderful person to open your door when you already have 3 of your own. Your niece could be a little jealous of your home life and maybe that is why she is acting out. It sounds as if you included her in your family with open arms, I think that you should treat her the same as you do your children and if that mean correcting her when she is wrong than do it. Now is the time to help her before she become older and feel that she don't have a position in the family. Keep up the good work

When it comes to the gay thing, I would respect what her father has taught her. That is a touchy subject with parents, although I totally agree that she still needs to be respectful and loving to others no matter what their preferences are. You can show her how to do this by your own behavior. She can learn to be outwardly tolerant without being personally approving.

Great thing you are doing by helping out your family, and giving this girl a stable place to live while her home is a little unstable!

Well i think she's just reacting to her changing houses and also i don't want to seem mean but your daughter is prob. also taking advantage of the situation. I think you need to give it more time before you start thinking and acting like there is a prob. Thanks R.

I also had my niece staying with me and also have three children and she is my husbands neice. She however is 16. She has caused a few problems in our home and thought that everything would be fine until it was time for her to go home but is now in a pysch ward for trying to take her life. If you are noticing certain behaviors that you have not before, you may want to nip it in the bud now because you do not want your 9 year old to mimic what she is doing. Things may only get worst before getting better. But good luck to you and your family.

Hello Kelly,
I had much the same situation with my step-son. Possibly the only difference, it seems, is that he isn't quite as outspoken. I know how hard this is and in the long run you'll be happy you did since it sounds like she needs the love you are willing to give her. My step son was much the same way when he came to us. We always made sure he knew we loved him but that we also had certain expectations. My biggest advice is to stand your ground when it comes to your rules. Most importantly, your husband has to be on board and you have to maintain a unified front in front of the kids. I can't stress that enough or she will start playing you against each other. If we didn't agree with each other we always talked about it when my step-son and other kids couldn't hear us. If she continues to ignore your rules and alienating your daughter, I think there should be some type of punishment or she will continue to see how far she can push you until you do something. With my step-son physical labor was the only way to drive it home. We tried taking things away from him but he was used to his mother doing that and it didn't have an effect on him. The physical labor was usually yard work but house work worked too and he told me later that was the best way to punish him because he had to think about what he did. (He's almost 20 now) Now, back to our husbands. My husband is a softy when it comes to his kids. It was extremely frustrating because I was of the firm belief that they should have the same rules and just because they don't see him as much(his daughter doesn't live with us) or because they had a "hard" childhood isn't an excuse not to follow the rules or treat people rudely, etc. Once he understood that, at least with his son, his son did so much better. I know I'm rambling but I had to respond and I'm on my way out the door. If you'd like to talk more my e-mail is ____@____.com. I hope this helps a little bit. I've been there and it is extremely difficult for everyone but as soon as she understands how your house is run and what is expected it'll get better!
~K.

I don't have much to add, except this: if this kid is telling your daughter not to play with the neighborhood kids, and telling the neighborhood kids to ignore your daughter, the most likely explanation is that she is scared to death of "losing" your daughter. Her family is in turmoil, she's living in an unfamiliar household, all the rules are changing. It's a (clumsy) attempt on her part to hang on to something that is really "hers." In addition to laying down the rules, you might try to keep in mind the underlying reason for what she's doing....Other people have some good suggestions here for things to do with her and your daughter. Sometimes misbehavior disappears when you address the underlying cause as well as the immediate problem...As for the gay friends issue--I agree with what somebody else here said. You CAN insist on civil behavior in your house without interfering with whatever her father has taught her. And seeing real gay people up close may be a more powerful education anything you could say, anyway.

I would continue with the family discussions as you have done. Make sure you set aside time each day to do something together as a family and include your Neice. Deep down she probably feels like an outsider and has some emotional baggage. Just keep being supportive and showing her that you love her too. As far as things go, as long as she is living under your roof you have a right to make sure she follows the rules of the house. I would go with you kids when they play with other kids from the neighborhood that way the bullying can't happen while you are there. As far as the "Gay" issue, we are Christians and believe that it is a sin and quite frankly I believe with your neice that it is disgusting. However she should be respectful with her feelings and words and perhaps you should not have your gay friends over while she is living with you. My biggest thing is if you have respect for your children, they will give you respect and vice versa.

Teaching any child to respect other children is an almost impossible task, especially one that you have not raised from birth. Children tend to think of themselves more often before others. You can do your best though and you can discipline them when they disrespect you, other adults or other children. I look at it like this, you may be that child's aunt and your husband may be her uncle, but while she is under your roof she needs to live by your rules. It may be a tough adjustment for all of you and you don't have to only administer "tough love" but don't just think of it as she is not your child so therefore her behavior is not your concern. When I spent a summer away from home with my grandparents, they of course spoiled us but we did not treat them with disrespect. We were well disciplined and brought up to respect those in charge and it was not out of their place to let us know their rules. You and your husband need to make sure you are both on the same page. As for the acceptance of other people's sexuality, that is something that I think comes in time. A 10 year old is going to have an opinion that may or may not change as they get older. While you may wish to raise your children being openly acceptive of all people, that may be something as they get older an form their own opinions, they may decide something all together different. You can model behavior that you feel is appropriate, but I don't think that is an opinion that you can, for lack of better words, force...I guess what I mean is I can't see it as justified to argue or punish a 10 year old if they can't see your view when it comes to a subject that they may even find difficult to understand. If she is calling your friends names or trying to judge or condemn them for their lifestyle, I would let her know that is not to be tolerated but I would not continually push the subject and expect her to fully understand and openly welcome your point of view. Good luck to you and God bless!

i'm willing to bet that your niece knows that something is up and may feel unwanted (thought she obviously isn't). her behaviour at the park was a way of creating her own exclusive club (family) and causing someone who still has a family that wants them to them as ostracized as she does. my guess anyway. regardless, all of this working out of family business without telling her anything is going to cause her to make up her own truth. the parents may want to give a version of the truth so she doesn't let her imagination do it. not being able to discuss these things is probably making her feel very lonely. perhaps she could see a counselor or therapist? btw, i'm not making excuses for her behaviour and you are doing a great job. these are just root cause thoughts and solutions. good luck!

With all your concerns, set up a set of guidelines for yourself. Check them out with your husband and people you respect their judgment in this area: Then use the guidelines whenever you need to take action with your niece. I'm going to list what I might use to get you started:
1. This is your home and certain rules will always be followed IN your home (some people do not allow play dates in bedrooms unless the door is open at all times), so whether someone is with you an hour or two years, you set the structure in your home.
2. YOU and your husband will protect your children, and no visitor or family member will be allowed to harm them... (she can have her opinions, but in front of younger children - all of yours- she can only express herself ONCE per situation and using the sentence "I think.." This way your children can hear HER opinion as HER's and then move on to their own ideas. Also, try to give her 1:1 time to ask you questions about your rules, beliefs, her thoughts, ideas, etc. away from your children. She may not follow them or like them, but she'll understand better and hopefully become more sensitive to others' differences by recognizing you can live together nicely with them.)
3. Harmful behaviors will have consequences. Her parents should give you permission (one time agreement for all summer) if it restrains (like being grounded) or harms her in any way. If she disrespects your daughter, you could restrict her from playing on the playground at the same time your daughter plays for __ # of days. And/Or tell your daughter not to play with her cousin (leave the scene) and let you know.
4. What social skill might need to be taught here, that the niece may not know?
5. What behavior/ talent/ skill can be celebrated that the niece demonstrates?
6. Where can the niece be allowed to "be herself" when the structure of YOUR home and life don't fit her.
Good luck.

I can imagine the stress this situation may cause but I hope that it is short lived and the benefits of having her stay with you will soon become much more than the "risks." I think it's necessary that this child has rules that are enforced by people who do care, meaning you and your husband, and that consequences are given for not following the rules. The same way you do with your children, do with her and it absolutely is your place even if she is not technically your child. She knows that too and probably feels like she's no one's child at this point. As for the homesexual situation that you mentioned, I think you handled it the right way asking her to respect your friends but don't try to change her opinion of homosexuality. For right now that is a value she holds and there is nothing wrong with it. Just continue to ask for respect and to show her that she may not agree with homosexuality but that she should love and respect the individuals anyway.