Needing Ideas on How to Get My Children to Help More

Money always works but don't call it an allowence, call it commission. They get commission for the chores they do around the house and they can either spend it or save it for something. By the way....this would be a good oportunity to teach the about giving, saving and spending! Good luck.

What do they care about? That's what you take away until the chores are done. It could be TV, video games, playing with friends, whatever. That's what's been effective with my kids -- taking away the privileges that they want the most and telling them they can do it as soon as the chores are done. Good luck!

right now there are lots of negatives going on for them, and they are testing boundaries right? a great way to enforce boundries but make the kids feel like they are doing it on their own is the house fairy program. www.housefairy.org
its a positive reinforcement program, the videos are kind of corny but they work! lol.
the idea behind it is that Santa Clause has a sister who is a fairy and she wanted to be a tooth fairy but she didn't do well in school so she was really sad and just stayed in her messy rooms and didn't clean or anything. Santa needed help with all the kids during the year helping them to stay focused and good and he couldn't do it himself. If she could get herself cleaned up then she could help reward the kids during the year for doing their chores which would help them to stay focused and be good for their presents at Christmas. So she drops by unannounced and if the room/chores are done she leaves little notes or sometimes a gift telling them how proud she is of their work. If it isn't done she leaves a note saying she was sorry she couldn't leave a reward this time. It makes her sad but she knows she will be able to leave a reward next time. It's positive reinforcement and helps keep alive the imaginative part of childhood that kids seem to be loosing earlier and earlier--they know the housefairy isn't real (most do anyway) but they love the "magic" of it the same way most of us love the "magic" of Christmas. My sister bought some little glittery confetti that she sprinkles for her kids. I've used the program with my teenage dd this year, she knows what it is, I asked if she would mind doing it with me so that I can start it with my 2 yr old next year as she gets old enough to understand the concept, I wanted to be in practice with it. my 17 yr old LOVES the house fairy coming by...and it works great for when she slacks off, I just have to leave a note from the house fairy and she gets the hint, and there is NO fighting over the chores. SO I love it. If she's had a rough week and not gotten everything done those are some of my favorite times to have the house fairy drop by and leave praise for something she did do--helps her know her efforts are appreciated and not lost which makes her want to do better.
regardless of if you use this program or not, I think one of the best ways to get kids to do what we want is to do it with positive reinforcements over punishments. Consiquences are natural parts to life so they need to be built in but be consistent. I'm still learning to do this, lol. I'm not perfect but we keep trying. So be gentle with yourself as you adjust to being a mom on your own too. It's harder than it looks. This is my first deployment with kids, and being mom on my own 24/7 is rough. Please make sure you find a way to get some "you" time. I know your question was about your kids but I also know if you make time to take care of you, then you have the energy to invest more in the kids. It's hard for us to do for some reason!! those kids always come first! and they should...but one of the best ways to do that is to make sure that mom is at her A game. It is SO much harder without spousal support around. My heart goes out to you as you learn to navigate this. GL!!

A.,
I have older boys 14 13 10 and for about a year now I have had the 3 major chores (eg Stacking the dishwasher after dinner and emptying it in the morning before school, dinner - help prepare and set table and clear table, pets cleanup and dinner,water,etc) rotated every week. I write it on the calendar on the fridge. They do this for pocket money ($10) per week (it used to be $5 but they got older) but this money goes toward anything they want to buy. Toys, school lunch,candy, gameboy game and ps3 etc. If they want something expensive then they have to save. (it has ended up saving me alot of money) If the chores don't get done - they lose money. Believe me it hurts when we go to Walmart and there is 1 child without funds....and no game....(but that doesn't happen very often now)
Also, the rule is that if there is an extra chore (like collecting the mail, getting the bins in - on bin day, taking the garbage out, ) that is needed on anyday then whoever I ask is to do it because they love me...I say to them that this is a 'because you love me' chore and they are expected to do it. I did this because I wanted them to know that sometimes you have to help out (for free) because we are family....and that's what families do.
This has been great for me, I hope it gives you some ideas.
L.

Talk to your kids about the divorce. Let them tell you how it makes them feel. You tell them how it makes you feel. Talk about how you guys need to work together as a family. Maybe get family counseling. Tell them that you NEED their help. Instead of threatening and punishing, offer incentives. Make up a chore list. Don't let them manipulate you because of the divorce. You are their mom, not their friend. You are the boss.

I used to nanny for four kids while their single mom went to school for nursing. They also had a similar situation. One of the things I found did not help was mom kept buying them things without them earning it. She'd try to get them to clean something, they wouldn't do it, but she'd reward them anyway. Don't do that. It just reinforces the bad/undesired behavior. Another thing we did was sit down with the kids and brainstorm different ideas for treats to reward them with and assigned point values to those treats...a Wii was 20,000 points, a sleep over with 2 friends was 1000 (with treats), a movie was 700 points...and then gave them a list of jobs/made a job chart and told them that each job would earn them so many points. We started this in the beginning of November and every night would total up the kids' points...it turned into a real big competition. If one kid didn't do his/her job by 7pm, it was up for grabs for the other kids to do and to earn the points. The 10 yr old girl was a master at finding what still needed to be done and by Dec had earned a sleepover and a movie, while her brothers had only earned a movie. As mom, you decided the point values, so make it realistic, but not so easy that you'll be buying them something every other day. Our formula was take the cost of the item and multiply by 100 or 1000. Don't give them the points if they didn't do the job, or if they didn't do it well. Half-baked effort doesn't cut it, so don't reward them for taking short-cuts.
While I am no longer nannying, mom is on her own, the system is still up and running and has allowed mom to continue classes while the kids stay home (she has a 15 yr old who is finally able to care for the others) and the kids are almost half-way to earning their Wii. Good luck.

Wow! There are some really great ideas here! I think i am going to use some of them. This is one of those topics where I find it much easier to GIVE advice than implement that advice myself, but my mom did some really fun things with us when we were kids. I figure the more ideas you get, the more you have to choose from that will work for your kids.

Dime Jar - (Could be a quarter jar, or whatever ~ INFLATION!)Make a list of jobs for the kids to do. Get 2 jars, 3 when your son comes back. Fill each jar with a certain number of dimes, this can vary by age or number of jobs required. If a job is left undone, a dime is removed. At the end of the week, whatever is left in the dime jar is theirs to keep.

Points - make a poster for tally marks, put each child's name down the side. (You could even put your own name and earn your own points.) Then make a list of jobs and the number of points they are worth to you. When your children do what you ask them to do, they earn points. Then make up a list of priveleges and their point value (ie. 1/2 hr of tv = 20 pts, play with friends = 20 pts, out to dinner with Mom = 100pts, Water park = 500pts, Lagoon = 1000 pts, etc). If they do what you ask by responding, "Sure, I'd love to!" they get extra points. If you do the point thing, too, then if your child asks you to get her a drink and you say, "Sure, I'd love to!" You get points, too! (Lead by example!) Then, if they ask to do something, you ask if they have enough points, if not, help them figure out how to earn more real quick so they can do what they want...it's kind of like saving up money. They have to learn how to budget their points so they can do the things they want to do most. I guess it's up to you if you deduct points they earn, once they use them for a priveledge, or if you just let them keep earning them.
We had a lot of fun with that one.

Tickets~ one summer my mom got together with a few other families (her sister and a couple of neighbors) and all the kids earned tickets throughout the summer. At the end of the summer they put on a carnaval and we got to spend the tickets to buy popcorn and treats, play games, see a video, etc. It was so fun!

If you want more info on any of these, feel free to ask.
Good luck!

This is what I did.... I made a list of daily chores that they needed to do. They trade days so they don't have chores every day. I have 2 kiddos and this has worked really well for us. If the chores don't get done by that child on their day then they get another chore day.

I just made it clear to my kids that this is what I expected from them. I printed them up and posted the chores on the bulletin board so they wouldn't forget what needs to be done everyday.

Hope that helps..

C.
www.AHomeCareer.com

Make sure they know that as a family everyone is expected to help take care of each other and the home they live in and that means doing chores around the house.It might be a good time to start allowances if you dont already --just a small amount so they can learn how to save and think before they spend. (The kids arent "paid" but are sharing in the income of the household.)
Make the list of chores that need to be done and let them pick which ones they want to do. My son clears the table and takes out the trash. Daughter loads the dishwasher. both of my kids set the table. & We do "Saturday morning chores"...When they were little I would make a list and write it down of 3-5 things they needed to do. Be specific... Dirty clothes in laundry. carry laundry basket to laundry room. make bed. put books on shelf ect. If you just say "clean your room" They wont get it. Consistancy is key. We started this when the kids were 4 & 6 and they're now 14 and 16 and do their chores without complaining...well most of the time:)
Good Luck,
J.

I think it's important for them to know EVERYONE works at your house. If they get really stubborn, cook dinner, set your own plate, and sit down to eat. When they complain remind them that you did all the work so you get to eat! Of course you will let them eat dinner, but remind them that they, too have to help because they are part of a family,
My kids have always done chores. Set&clear table, wash dishes, pets, take out garbage, they even do laundry and cook now that they are getting older. Sometimes I have to remind them that we all have responsibilities, but then they are good.
Another thing is to make it fun. When my kids were reading the Harry Potter books we had "care of magical creatures" which was pets, "potions" - dishes, "charms" - setting table, etc. Fun always helps!!

A.,
I have found that if I offer rewards and make chores fun children are more willing to do it. It also helps not to make it "clean the house for me".Assist your children in seeing that as the house is picked up and clean everyone is happier.

There are job charts that assist some families.

If you feel that your children can do any of the jobs equally
well you could have a jar with the different jobs and the can pick out one at a time. If they are different in time and effort you could assign a point value to them.

Instead of being paid for the jobs they could be rewarded with an activity with mom -- It's a natural consquence --
(You have more time to do that because they are assisting you)

Remember "Mary Poppins" and a spoonful of sugar!

With Joy, C.

Have you heard of "love and logic"? It is an awesome child rearing philosophy by Jim and Charles Fay of Golden Colorado.
The idea is that consequences are "logical" ie: "if you pick up your toys, you may keep them. If I have to pick up your toys, I get to keep them." There is a whole section about chores. I highly suggest checking out some of their books.

Good Luck!

You may have already gotten this suggestion, but my kids are loving the house fairy program (housefairy.org). The kids that have been involved with the program are 7, 5, and 3. They have been so excited awaiting her visits. The program costs $13 for a 2 year subscription, and they have some other features you can get as well. There are videos that instruct them how to clean and organize. She can help them with manners. There's lots of fun stuff that can help you get your kids motivated. I was a single mom with 4, 2, and 6 month old and I know things can be a real struggle. I know in my situation, my ex was the disciplinarian in the household and because of other issues that were occurring, I had 2 really out of control kids who would not listen to me at all. We went through a long, rough road involving counseling with play therapy, and mee trying out different tactics that were suggested to me. One thing you have to be is extremely consistent. If they know that when they push you really hard for a long time, that you will cave in, they will never stop. Whether it be doing chores or going to bed, children need to have consistent rules and family routines. When everything changes, they need to know that they'll still have dinner around 6 and that it's always gonna be time to read story's before bed at 7:30, or whatever you do in your house. This is a hard time for them too, which I am sure you realize and let's face it; kids will try to get away with whatever they think they can. I have requested advice from these same ladies and have been given great advice. I have a spinner that lists the rooms each child will clean for the week. There is even a FREE which means they don't have something to do. I color coordinated each chore on the spinner to a sheet that listed 10 things that can be done to clean that particular area. So even the little ones can have the list read to them and decide what thing they can do that day to clean their area. Obviously they aren't going to do it perfectly, but be excited for what they do accomplish! Something else that works well is to have them only do things for 15 minutes per area. Everything may not get done in that time, but you'd b e surprised what kids can try to do when they know their being timed. It's almost like a race to see who can get the most things done. Hope these suggestions help. Sorry that it's so long, but feel free to contact me if you'd like!!!

Have you tried a reward system? With my daughters ages 9 and 7 I have a list of chores. For each chore there is a reward. Example....Take out garbage, that means all the way to the dumpster not just on the porch. When my daughters do this they get to choose a reward out of the reward box. Could be money, (as little or as much as you can.) or a privalage that they dont usaly get, or even a night out with you. Make it fun for them. If it is a game they will want to do it. Some examples of rewards is....$0.50, 30 min's of your fav TV show, Trip to swimming pool. The bigger the reward the bigger the chore. I have it set up that they can do 10 little chores for 1 big reward. Any thing extra that they do on there own is rewarded also...Helping without being asked, ect. I took awhile for my kids to catch on because they wanted to do other things but I sat them down and explained that even a MOM needs help, and when she gets help everything runs better in life. Sometimes all it takes if for you to talk to them and they understand.
B. M.
A Little about myself.
Married almost 11 years (on the 30th of May), Full time mom to 2 active girls ages 9 and 7. Work full time as a Executive Assistant (okay receptionist) at a used car dealership.

Punishing the kids after they do not do the chores is not as effective as getting them onboard in the first place. Talk to your kids and tell them that your family works together as a team or a crew, they are just as much a part of that team as you are so they have to make sure that the whole team is "winning" just like you do. If you make them feel like they are at least partially in charge then they can begin to take pride in their work and feel good about helping their team win as a family. And now is not the time to be a perfectionist with the housework, as long as they are making an effort they should not be scolded over missed spots or crumbs, adn if you go along cleaning up after them then they will feel like they failed. Make sure and offer plenty of praise and encouragment. Good luck, I hope that you and your children will make a great team.

Hi A.,

I haven't read the book yet but I heard the author speak at our church a couple months ago on the book. Patricia Sprinkle wrote a book called Children Who Do To Little. I think it will give you some good ideas. Hope this helps!! God Bless!

make it a game. make a work chart or wheel that rotates chores. have each child and you race to see how fast you can get your chores done, and then go have fun together. also, it sounds like they might be either resenting you for the divorce, or missing their dad. try talking to them and finding out how they feel. explain why you divorced. show love more than anger. divorce is an ugly and hard thing to go through, especially for kids. hope things work out. Good Luck!

I see you have some great advice, but thought I would tell you what has worked in my house, I have 7 kids know but when the older 4 were around 7,8 and 9 I felt that they could help out more, afterall 90% of the mess was from them, I made a chart of exactly what chores where to be done, we rotated them weekly so that each child fully understood exactly how the chore was to be done. Then I made a chart of what each chore entailed, example chart..

Bathroom-
1. Sweep floor
2. Rinse down sink
3. Pick trash up off the floor

It's just a list of what I mean when I say clean the bathroom or pick up your room, I did this for every room in the house, I then placed them in those plastic covers that are used for reports, I hung them on the wall with a erasable marker, and they had to check off each step as they went, once they were done I would go and check it to make sure they did it right, If chores weren't done before dinner they didn't eat, simple, they don't help I won't cook, they say a way to a mans heart is through his stomache, but it works a heck of a lot better on the kids. All of mine lost dinner at least once, but not more then that, it took about 2 months for them to learn the chores by heart, of course know that they are teens, everything is done half-assed (sorry for the language). I have just started implementing the same thing for my 6 and 4 year old the only difference is I use pictures nd don't expect the same from them that I do the older ones. Hope this helped and gave you another idea on top of all the other good ones you got.

I went to flylady.net and they have this thing called the housefairy and it has worked great. Good luck.

Here's what I did after my divorce. I sat down with all 3 of my kids and as a group we made a list of household chores, then decided who would do which ones. We made a chart (spreadsheet) and posted it on the frig. That way there was no fighting about who would do what. For younger kids you could reward them on a weekly basis with gold stars, having a friend over, whatever might motivate them - ask them what they would like for a reasonable reward. You could also use a weekly family outing if all kids have done all chores by the end of the week. And also have a set consequence if they don't do their chores - no friend visits, no TV or video games for a period of time or until the chores are done for the week, or maybe having to do a sibling's chores for a week in addition to their own... whatever motivates them. Hope this helps.

My children are much younger than yours, but even at 22 months and 3 1/2 years they know they are to put their dishes in the sink after meals and help clean up their toys at night. I would explain to your sons that they are part of a family and families work together and help each other so that everyone can be happy and comfortable. Tell them that now that their father is no longer in the house you need their help more than ever. Sometimes just explaining how important each child is makes a difference. If talking doesn't work, I would (and this is just my personality) make it very real for them. If their job is to take out the trash and they refuse to, start piling it up in their room. If they won't set the table, they can't eat dinner because the food you made would make the table too messy. If their clothes are not picked up and put in the hamper, they don't get washed. If they won't clean up their toys, the toys get thrown away. Period. I imagine trying these things with a teenager might be more difficult, but I think at your kids age it might just work.

I might also recommend a book on effective discipline called '1-2-3 Magic' that I received recently. I have only read portions of it so can't wholeheartedly recommend it, but what I have read so far seems to make sense and seems it would work.

Good luck!

I am also a single mom of 2 boys, ages 5 & 10. It can be challenging to get them to help, but what I have found that works is consistency and consequences(ones you might not find obvious). For example, they are to load their dishes into the dishwasher after they are through with them, always. THey know it's their job so it becomes habit (most of the time). If they don't, I won't prepare their next meal. If they want to go somewhere, and I want them to pick up their room, we don't go until they take care of it. We do so much for our kids, and when they won't help out, I stop doing for them. It is amazing how it gets their attention, and it makes them appreciate all I do. I also like to stress that we are a team, that we all live together, and we all work together to make what we want happen. Another way I respond if they say no, they won't do something I need/want them to do. I tell them, if they say no to me, I say no to them. (Even if I would rather say yes). Good luck, and hang in there.

A.,
here are couple good pages (I wrote in there also):
http://www.mamasource.com/request/14972546094402109441
and
http://www.mamasource.com/request/12660689709631012865
lots of good advices on this topic.
Good luck and let there be harmony and happiness in your family!