Need Your Advice and Suggestions!

Dear M.,
When I had my son, my daughter was 2. My goal was to make it a special event for her too. I bought a new doll which we presented to her when she came to visit at the hospital. She was enthralled! It was her special gift. When I came home with her brother, she did everything for her new doll that I did for her brother; we changed diapers together, fed the babies, etc. It worked like a charm.
My daughter is now 25, works with children with behavioral problems, and is expecting her first child. We did something right.
Lots of luck, and stop worrying.
W.

My daughter was the same age when my son came into the world. She's 2 1/2 now. They are 2 years apart.

Before the birth I had my daughter help mommy rub lotion on her tummy. Then closer to the birth we started talking occasionally about her baby brother and would ask if she wanted to say hi to him and I would pull up my shirt so she could see my belly. We didn't really point out to her that the baby was moving- didn't want to freak her out. Even closer to the due date (3 weeks or longer) we called him by name and showed her his room. She "helped" build his furniture and we explained that these were Lincoln's things.

We didn't notice until after we got the pictures that in the hospital she stared at him the entire time. She didn't seem surprised or upset to see him, only curious. We wouldn't let her touch him except on the foot for the first few months. In the hospital Lincoln gave his big sister a gift (big sister tshirt) and nicely most people who visited us in the hospital also brought a small gift for her as well as Lincoln. Despite all that fanfare, she stared at Lincoln most of the time and we hadn't even realized it.

When he came home she wanted to help me by bringing me my nursing pillow, bringing Lincoln a blanket, or a hat, etc. She did this on her own without anyone ever suggesting she do these things. She quickly got to a stage where whenever he would cry she would say "Baby crying" or "Lincoln crying." So, annoyingly but cutely, we would end up with two babies crying.

Within a couple of months, my sister and mom got her a baby doll and pretend bottle. She already had a pretend stroller from her other grandparents. And ever since then, and increasingly, whenever my husband or I do something with Lincoln she'll do the same with her baby doll-feeding, putting to bed, putting in the stroller. She's not obsessive about it, but more like when she sees Lincoln it reminds her that she has a baby doll she should be/ wants to be doing stuff with.

She only had one instance that I remember where she was obviously jealous and it lasted abut 2 minutes. He's 5 months now.

I suggest doing little things to transition so she knows there will be a change, but not going overboard. She will adjust herself. I think 2 years apart is a good age for this to work out on its own pretty well. I don't think bribing is a good idea. Also, my husband and I spend lots of time separately and together with her (even though she is in daycare 5 days a week). We never changed her schedule and luckily she never woke up from his screaming.

When I read up on it online and in books the advice said to do the baby gift and NOT to tell the older sibling that the younger one would be a playmate- since kids have no conception that this wouldn't happen for at least a year.

BTW- now she will occasionally ask us to hold the baby and understands to be gentle around him. She likes to play in the same space near him, though not with him.

Don't stress too much about it. Kids are resilient if we let them be and don't obsess on their behalf. Give your oldest a chance to deal with it her/ his way.

Well, we have a lot of similarities! But I'm one step ahead. My firstborn was 22 months when my 2nd girl entered the world. And my 1st is so incredibly in-love with me, attatched to me and demanding of my attention. And I am not a SAHM, I work FT and have a nanny for her (them now) and my hubsand is around, but that baby girl just loves her mommy. Naturally, I had a lot of fears and guilt about having a 2nd, especially knowing it was going to be two girls. So 1st off, deal with your own feelings about it- that's the best advice. 2ndly, educate yourself. I read abook called "From One to Two" and there's another I didn't get to called "Loving Each One Best." As far as she's concerned, get her used to seeing you hold another baby. Spent time with other kids so she can get used to the concept that you have to divide yourself but will remain connected to her and go back to her. Especially a baby (for you to hold and care for in her presence). Teach her how to be "nice with baby" and highlight for her how the baby likes her, is smiling because of her, etc.

Don't get into bribery, guilt presents and such. You can buy her a present to give her at the hospital and tell her it's from the new baby (by name- and that's another tip, get her used to the name versus "the baby."). Build her up for being the big girl. Don't tell her things like that the new baby will be her friend and play with her, etc. because it sets up an unrealistic expectation. Really newborns are rather boring to a toddler so they really don't get it. Gotta run but hope that helps, N.

Do NOT brib!! Bribing sets up bad habits for the future. The lessons we teach our kids now are the one's they hold on to forever. My kids are 17 months apart and the older one eventually gets use to the baby. People will say the when a visitor comes they should spend a lot of time with the older child, which is fine, but I found that when people wanted to visit the baby I let them. Then I had some one-on-one time with my son. Because the new baby needs a lot from the mommy, especially if you're nursing. It works out eventually!!

I let my children take part in getting ready for the baby...setting up the room, going through clothes, whatever. When a baby came and the big sibling came to the hospital to meet the baby, there was a gift waiting from the baby. I also had small things hidden at home for if people brought baby gifts over but didn't bring anything for the big sibling. All three of my children love each other very much and we have NEVER had the novelty period wear off that a lot of people talk about.

Congrats on your children. :)

I've done this twice. My first son was 21 months old when my 2nd son was born, and my 2nd was 23 months old when my daughter was born.
The first time, we got a gift from the baby (a fire truck), and on his way to the hospital he and my husband stopped for a gift for the baby (stuffed animal). We called the baby "our baby" or "Will's baby" - not mommy's. He and daddy also painted my belly like a pumpkin. We tried to involve him as much as we could. When the baby came, we spent a lot of time reading since I could nurse and read at the same time. I tried to play with him as much as I could while the baby slept too. I wanted to be sure that he felt involved.
The second time, the boys painted pictures for the baby and we framed them in her room. She got them gifts that they played with the first few days she was home. We also started having "special times". Each boy gets 90 minutes of "special time" every day. I have a schedule with naps, meals, special times, and time for me to clean/cook. At first, they were acting out for attention and I found that special times really worked. They get to choose whatever they want to do during their time (watch a movie, go to the park, play Legos, etc.)
Congratulations on your 2nd little girl and good luck. It wasn't easy.

M.,

My 2nd daughter was also 23 months when her brother came along and it was a bit hard on her. The suggestions given to me that worked the best were to allow her to sit with me and read books while I nursed. As she got older she would sit with her baby and it was a sweet time for us. The other BIG help was to make a big deal about putting the baby down for a nap. I used to tell him (he was 1 month old) Ok now honey, its your time for a nap so I can play with your sister. Her face would just light up! Half the time he was already asleep but I just wanted her to know she was important too. It also made it easier for her to stick to a nap routine knowing they both had to take them. Don't be afraid to ask for help or arrange for someone else with a similar aged child to come over and play. I wouldn't recommend bribing with gifts, but I do think giving her a few at the hospital are a good idea. I wish you the best!

Hi --

I always recommend the book The Portable Pediatrician. For each age level she has guidance for adding to the family, and she's really down to earth.

What I took from her book is the need to have one-on-one time with the older one EVERY DAY -- ask "what do you want to do?" --not an outing, just playing with her toys or coloring together.

Our son flipped out completely when baby came home (he was 36 months) -- nice to everyone but me. I was covered in bite mark bruises, but he was sweet to everyone else, including baby. One thing we did was have a daily ritual together -- during the 15 minutes before dinner (my husband cooks) he and I would do the same craft every day (foam stickers on black construction paper). It gave him something that he knew what to expect and could count on. I could understand -- the rest of his life was upended -- sleep, meals, outings, etc were all different. So a daily habit helped him a lot.

Good luck!

Hi M.,
I have had some experience with this, bribing does not help to create a strong lasting relationship between siblings.

I have 4, but my oldest 2 are only 20 months apart. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, my mother told my little one that the baby in my belly was HER baby and that she would need to help me to take care of her. (I went along with this, hoping it would work) This worked great and they have always had a great relationship.

I showed her how to do "baby chores" that she wanted to help with. Little stuff like getting me a diaper/wipes, picking out her clothing for the day and night, putting clean laundry away - I let her pick her own dresser, what she wanted on it, and in it - and choose the new baby's dresser and decorate/organize it. Whatever she wanted to help with.

She helped with bathing - got out towels, wash cloths, baby bath, lotion. I showed her how to rinse baby off with a cup, she helped wash/rinse her hair, then helped dry her off, then left the rest to me.

She couldn't help with feeding, since I breastfed. She would sit on my lap or on the arm of the chair and rub baby's head until she went to sleep.

She did help to entertain her alot! She would dance, sing, show off, show her babies and teddy bears and all of her toys. She could get that baby to laugh at anything she did. (She didn't laugh much for me, no matter how hard I tried!)

My oldest just graduated from high school in June and is off to live with her father and go to college (they do not have the same father). Planning for the move did cause some stress in their relationship, but they did grow up as best friends and didn't need anyone else to play with as long as they had each other (they were barely ever seperated). They never really fought like I hear siblings usually do, just the last 6 months or so, but are good now and get along great.

You just have to remember to include your older daughter in "baby chores" that she wants to help with. Ask her if she would like to help.

And, remember to try, if you can, to put them down for naps at different times! Spend time alone with your older one while baby is sleeping whenever you can.

See if you can get her to make stuff for baby; older ones picture in a decorated frame for baby, baby's picture in a decorated frame for big sister to put on her dresser or wall. If you do crafts with her, let her decorate the frames or something creative for baby, while you do something creative for the older one and say its from baby.

Good luck.

Hi M.,
Your daughter will be fine. I just had our second too and they are just 23 months apart too. We were so worried with the way our daughter would react to a new baby. I asked the same questions a few months back.
What we did was bought a few books about being a big sister and read to her every night for a few months. We also had a lot of wrapped gifts so when people would bring gifts for the baby she had something to open. One big gift was from her new brother.
Have her come to the hospital to meet the new baby when she gets there be sure not to be holding the baby. Have some one on one time with her and than bring the baby out and let her hold the baby with of course assistance.
Once the baby is home be sure to show a lot of attention to the older child, try not to change her routine too much. If she is out a lot just have her continue to do that, we just brought the new baby to the playground a lot. I know you worry about having a newborn outside, but they will be okay. Have your daughter help a lot with the baby. I am only breastfeeding but I ask my daughter to help burp or wipe the spit-up that way she feels she can help. She also helps wash him in the bath.

I hope that helps, you will be surprise how much she will love the new baby, she will want to hug, kiss and want to hold the baby.

Best of luck,
L.

Hi M.
congrats on the new baby == we will be waiting to hear she has arrived safely. God bless you
My way was to let it happen naturally with reading books about having a baby in the house. Kids books about being the big sister!!
K.

definitely include her in helping with the baby. Ask her to bring you a toy, a diaper, a burp cloth etc anything to make her feel like she is part of it all. let her hold teh baby's bottle for the baby-if you bottle feed. etc. it worked for my oldest when i brought home twins.

Hi M.,
Congrats on your pregnancy!
"Bribing" with gifts doesn't help, she can't connect controlling her feelings in order to receive gifts. The gifts are for when someone comes over with a present for the new baby - it makes a young child feel unhappy to discover the baby gets all these presents and they get nothing, they can't understand that when they were a baby, they got everything too. The gifts are for when someone comes over and has a gift for baby and not the big sister, have a few small wrapped things like coloring books, crayons, storybooks
Playing with dolls is fun but doesn't prepare her for the changes that a baby will bring, when it's you who will be taking care of this baby and have so much less time (and patience) for the toddler.
I'd suggest having a basket of special toys and books
that come out only when you need to feed/diaper the baby. Make sure that you arrange to have family, friends or a babysitter help you - they can take care of household chores, cooking, laundry so you can primarily focus on the children. Also, they can hold the baby for an hour after she eats while you have that hour to spend doing something special with your daughter - to the park, out for ice cream, baking cupcakes or whatever she would like to do, that alone time is so important. Try to continue doing the things that she considers important, if it's that mommy has to be the one to read the bedtime story, etc.
My daughter was older - 4 years old - when my son was born, but what I did to let her know she was important was if I was in the middle of doing something with her and the baby started fussing, I'd announce "You have to wait a minute, I am busy with K right now" - the baby of course didn't understand, but my daughter heard the message that at that time, she was more important and the baby's needs had to come after hers.
Good luck!

Do NOT bribe her with gifts. First of all she is too young to appreciate a lot of gifts, she would be overwhelmed and over stimulated. Second bribery is a bad precedent to start. If you bribe her to be nice to baby, what will happen when the bribes stop? Would she be mean to get a treat?
What I would do is ask visitors to admire your DD when they come to visit, BEFORE they admire the baby. How pretty she is, what a big helper she is, how smart she is, etc. If they bring a gift for the baby let her help open it. Opening gifts is great fun for 2 y/o's. Also refer to the baby as HER sister, HER baby and she will be proud of HER baby. I'm sure she will adjust just fine.

What worked for us... I didn't tell my daughter (who was 28 mons when her brother came home) that they could play together so she wouldn't be able to expect him to when he was a baby. I started telling her before he was born "one moment" when she asked for things so she got used to waiting a bit. I never told her that I couldn't play with her because of the baby,so she couldn't blame him for me not doing something with her. My son was a really good baby, so I was able to put him down a lot when she was up. I would hold him while she was sleeping. I would hold him other times as well but when she was sleeping I would hold him a lot. They are now 7 and almost 5 and they get along great. They argue and fight over toys but they are best friends. Even people in school will tell me they will stop hug and give each other kisses when they pass each other in the hall. I encourage kindness, paitence and assitance with each other. I tell them that they are going to be together for the rest of their lives so get used to each other. Siblings is the longest relationship in our lives, so I tell them to treasure each other.

Good Luck.
D.

Hi M.,
I didn't read the other posts ( have a 3 1/2 yr. old and a 4 1/2 month old that are both awake right now) sorry. We really involved my older son. We read books for a long time before hand (Joanna Cole is the author of some good ones about having a sibling - along with Mercer Mayer's "the new baby"). Then when my second son arrived, we really really made sure to include the first son (Spencer). Spencer and I picked out a gift to give to the baby when he was born (and Spencer brought it to the hospital). The baby also "picked out a gift" for Spencer and gave it to him at the hospital. It was something he really wanted. Then when we got home we involved Spencer in everything we could. Feeding (holding the bottle for a minute), putting bottles in the sink for me, getting me burp cloths, diapers, clothes. Soemtimes it took twice as long to do all these things but he felt he was helping. Also, from the beginning, we talked about "our baby", not "the baby". The new baby was going to be ours and part of our family. And we were going to NEED Spencer's help to take care of him. I must say the transition was a lot easier than I expected.
Good luck and congratulations!