Need Support - Marriage Troubles

L., he may have adult ADHD. I'd look into the symptoms of that and see what treatments are available. Hang in there... once he has some self-confidence, he may really change. Good luck!

I know it's driving you crazy, but he sounds depressed, especially if this wasn't typical behavior till ater the job loss. I don't have personal experience with this, but i've heard that even when a man plans to be the stay at home dad, it's a very tough adjustment to make. They are "programmed" to be the providers and it's a HUGE blow to not be able to provide in the usual way.

Something he may want to do or NEED to do, besides counseling, is find out if friends, school buddies in the area belong to business networking groups - they may be able to connect him with people that are hiring so that you can switch roles if that's what you really want.

I've heard that many companies are NOT posting jobs online, and are going by word of mouth because they get too many responses and it shuts down the servers. Also, contact his school and see if they may have some alumni in the area he can get in touch with.

I hope that's helpful. Good luck to you all!

I know this is a hard time for you and I will not make light of it. In the interest of time and the fact that this is posted on the internet I will try to be respectfully direct and brief. First, I would strongly urge you (as if you were my best friend) to visit and find a church family that has small groups or bible fellowships with young couples/ little children. Your relationship with God and trusting in His plan for your life will take lots of pressure off you. Also knowing you are not alone will be encouraging. If your husband doesn't want to go, go anyway and bring your son along- putting him in the church preschool/childcare. I don't mean that in a way that encourages you to live your own life, but on the contrary. You now have a child and you made a committment to marriage ("for better or for worse"). This is a time when we naturally feel sorry for ourselves and it is important to look outside ourself for direction/answers. This is not about putting your foot down and making him comply and if it is you are wrong. Once you have found a church that 'feeds' you emotionally and spiritually, then I would seek counseling services through the church you are comfortable with- only because they'll do it free of charge and money is an issue. If they can direct you to an outside facility that does free or nominal-cost counseling because they are a public outreach, then go there. In the meantime, you need to KNOW that nothing may change with your husband for awhile. He has to want to change and he has to change his heart and his attitude first. Then he has to want to support his family, honor God, his marriage and his child. You can start the process by walking the walk first. It will require you to show him RESPECT, even if you feel he doesn't deserve it. If he is down and you put him down, you are just feeding into the feelings of inadequacy and anger he already feels. something has to change in your relationship and environment in order for him to seek change. You have to want to honor God, love your husband and your son MORE than you want to WIN or BE RIGHT. I will be praying for you L.. I understand this may seem crazy to you and I'm sure you'll get lots of advice to walk away, turn your back and take his child away from him- but I promise you, none of that will encourage CHANGE. God Bless.

Hi,
My heart goes out to you. Please consider reading the following books. I know you are probably exhausted and may not feel like it but they have helped me and several friends more than words can describe. They are fast reads and will make you feel so much better equipped to handle the situation. These are recommended by a Christian marriage counselor and will help you see how God will get you and your husband through these times. He will be your guiding light. God bless you!

1. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge

2. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs

3. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

Oh lordy, you are in a mess but YOU can make this better for your and your child's life. He is acting like an immature boy who I bet was never held to responsibilities in his life. Trust me, this will not get better on its own. He will not see the light and has no guilt. I see nothing but divorce on the horizon but you can try another option.

My daughter had a husband that did many of those things. She finally left the house and he ranted and raved. She got a counselor with my financial help. She insisted on a Christian counselor. I worried that he might ask her to just pray or put up with it. But he supported her by telling her exactly what to do and say to him on the phone when he called. Example: No arguing. No tears. No acting like you're sorry, mad, or having anything but being relieved not to be there with him. If he ranted, she softly hung up. If he asked when she was coming home, she said nicely that she didn't know. She would just say that that isn't the life she intends to live for her and the child. After a few weeks, he finally got into sweetness and asking whatever could he do to get her back. After another two weeks, he still said he'd do anything to get her back. So, she put into writing what those things were before she would come home and then the living terms afterwards. That included getting a his good job with benefits. Having the paycheck deposited to the bank that only she controlled. She'd give him an agreed allowance and handled the bills and deposits into savings. If he spent it all in one day, too bad. He's have to make his own lunch and get a side job delivering pizzas or whatever for gas if he needed. He wasn't allowed to stay home "sick" from work (because he faked it so much). She wasn't to accuse him of lying, she'd just say he needed to build character. (His boss could send him home if he really exhited fever and vomiting but she didn't tell him that.) She told him that it was his job to support the family and that she wasn't going to work and abandon her daughter to a stranger at that young age. She told him she would leave again pronto if he didn't do any of those things and not argue about it. No warning. Nothing. He was to think she was unpredictable and felt no strings like that. So, he chose to change "voluntarily" and has improved ever since. Two years later, she still controls the money completely because he still can't be trusted in that area.

I didn't think he'd make it but two years later, she says she's happy and he's ever so much better. He's gotten two promotions and they love him on the job. That gave him the motivation to like work. Most importantly, my daughter learned how to set her boundaries and not try to win her point by crying, yelling, threatening, or being afraid to say/do anything for the child's sake. (Counselor was Dr. Jerry Stettheimer, Christian Family Services, in Garland. A bit odd for my tastes but for my daughter, it was what she needed.)

Now, I've made bad choices in husbands in the past, learned to make good choices, and have a pure soulmate who is fabulous. Those other two men have gone on to ruin other women's lives and their kids grew up hating them and moving out as soon as they graduated high school. They also don't have any respect for their mom for "allowing" him to remain that way.

I continue to enforce my boundaries by calmly explaining them when needed and that helps my husband from unknowingly stepping into them. He has boundaries too and knows I will respect them. It's just healthy. Communication is key -- the good type. But you have to have a willing person. If you read anything, read about this kind of conflict management and holding your own. Don't waste your time with how to pray for change, how to gently hint and forgive, how to negotiate with sex and tears.

You, like so many women, have picked poorly this time so you have to pay the piper by learning what to do that is effective and taking some action. Be strong, confident, courageous, and have the self esteem to know that you can win in life -- with or without this current loser.

I hope you have friends or relatives that can help support you in some way. they probably know you have a real idiot on your hands and would love to see you be the strong one.

I do hope he grows up but if he refuses, there are many amazing and responsible men out there that will be honored to treat you and your child like you are treasured. But don't think you'll find them without doing some homework first on how and why you picked so badly.

In our experience, free counselors and discounted counselors and full pay counselors are good and bad. Don't waste your time with the bad ones. Judge for yourself. Use your instincts and if they don't have good, strong, behavoural advice for you to change up the atmosphere asap, change counselors.

Unlike the advice that some will give you about his being depressed, you know that this is not the case with your man. Oh, he may have bad self esteem and trying to bluff his way around that, but that is his crutch and you have to remove that childish crutch it so he can stand up on his own and become the man that he can be. We all need to learn to "toss our childish crutches and find better ways to cope in the adult world." (Paraphrasing Dr. Jerry...)

My story turned out amazing, my daughter's turned out very well, I wish you every success. We spent a lot of time looking in books, trying to change our attitudes, trying to blame their bad ways on poor upbringing. Don't wait until he hurts your little one over and over through the years(emotionally and verbally) for you to finally take action. Because he will, guaranteed, without change. Been there, done that. Then you can watch your child down the line turn to other dysfunctional kids with their arms outstretched with drugs to help them cope with the man you allowed to act as their father figure. My last bad husband admitted to me that he was that way because I allowed it. I argued that I protested in every way I knew, even resorting to becoming a person myself that I didn't like (cursing, threatening, etc). But he said that that obviously didn't work and it didn't force him to change because I stayed put in the house.

You-are-in-Charge of your destiny and your child's.

Hey L.,
The best piece of advice I ever got when we started having a family was that the best thing you can offer your kids is a happy, healthy marriage. That is easy to say but often challenging to have a HEALTHY marriage. There is this fantastic marriage ministry that helps troubled marriages. I highly suggest you checking it out. Maybe you can find some answers and some people in similar situations.
http://www.watermark.org/adults/marriage-ministry/reengage/

divorce him. if you have family members that can help with your child, that will be better than having a spouse that is not fullfilling the responsible roll. good luck.

My main question is how do you know he is properly taking care of your son while you are at work? I would back out of the house. That is another huge load to put on your shoulders and right now I don't think you should. I would focus on getting rid of your debt and face the harsh reality. You need to plan for you and your son. Right now your hubby is making some very selfish decisions. Only you know what your marriage is like and only you can make the choices that need to be made. Just think of you and your son first.

Hi, L.-
You have quite a problem, my dear. I don't blame you for being discouraged. But first of all, you're doing it wrong. I have been married to the same guy for 34 years and have never even wondered whether he would support us or not. (We got married when he was 17 yrs old and had no job prospects, either.) We have 9 beautiful children, 10 grandchildren and a wonderful life. We bought our first home when he was 20 years old. We have paid for all of our children to go to college, including Law school at SMU. And my husband doesn't even have a college degree. He started his own business with a $5000 loan at age 21, and he has worked long and hard to make a rich life for our family. If he can do it, your husband can do it. But you have to start NOW.

Your husband does need to feel the heat to get a job. Anyone who is unemployed should spend 40-50 hours a week trying to get a job, which your husband is unable to do because he is taking care of your son. That will always be an excuse to cover his lack of ambition. You need to get someone to take care of your son so he can get moving on getting employed. Anyone with a college degree should be able to support a family without the mom working. And no one will take better care of your child than you-- NO ONE. Maybe you will have to stay in a crappy apartment longer because you don't have that second income, but what is more important? Your precious son or moving up in the world. No care-giver will teach your son the values that you cherish. No one else will love him unconditionally. No one else will rock him and cuddle him the way you will. (Unless you have a grandparent available.) So my advice is: Sit down with your husband and talk very calmly, but firmly. Write down your points on a piece of paper, and don't let him side-rail you and get you off of the subject. Don't let him get to you and then get mad or emotional. (Men love it when women are emotional, because they can tell them they are being irrational.) Tell him he is the MAN, and that you expect him to work to support your family, even if he has to work 2 jobs to do it. Life isn't all about sleeping in, daydreaming about toys & cars, and fun & games. Tell him you have made arrangements for the baby to be cared for so he can spend a minimum of 50 hours a week looking for a job. Tell him that you expect him to be ready to leave the house at the same time you do every day and that he is to literally spend from 8 am until 6 pm pounding the pavement until he gets a job (or maybe 2). Tell him that if he won't get the ATV sold, you will run the appropriate ads and get it sold. Give him a deadline that if it isn't sold within 2 weeks, you are in charge of it. Don't let him be crippled by saying that as long as he is getting unemployment, he can stay home and take care of the baby. That undermines the pride that a man needs to have in himself. He needs to get off of the computer, quit daydreaming, and get REAL. I may sound old-fashioned, but it is what it is. Men should work hard to support their families, and women should stay home to nurture, love and teach their children. I know too many women who let their husbands slide early in their marriage, and now have worked for 20 years while the bum goes from piddly job to piddly job with BIG spaces of unemployment time in between. Get the responsibility off of you, and Put it ON HIM. If he has to work 2 different jobs while you stay at home, that's what he should do. Or if he works Monday-Friday from 8-5, and you want some diversionary time, you could get a part-time job for evenings & weekends, while he takes over the child care for short periods of time. In my own experience, I have never met a man who was as good with a baby as the mother is. This is obviously true with your husband, since he lets the baby cry when he is mad at you. What will he do when you are gone and he is on the computer and doesn't want to get off yet? Probably let the baby cry. I don't think your husband is a bum, he is probably a really great guy, but if you put up with his behavior much longer, a pattern will definitely develop. Make the ultimatum now, find out what he is really made of, and if he won't work hard to support you, it sounds like you can do it on your own without having to drag him along. Be firm in your expectations of him. If he does rise to the challenge, your marriage will just get better.

I agree with a lot of these responses... From what you have said, my first impression is he is depressed and stressed from the pressure of being a supporter and this is what I would do: Give him a big hug and try to talk to him calmly and rationally without any judgements. Marraige is a partnership and you both are dealing with a lot of stress right now. Some good(new baby), some bad(loss of job, etc), but its still stress.

Tell him that things are not working out this way and together you need to make a few adjustments. Decide what needs to be accomplished to get to where you want to be. Then decide who needs to take care of each thing: chores, bills, child, etc. Set short term and long term goals and work together to reach them. It's not a who works and who doesn't kind of thing... It's "what needs to be done and does it make sense for me to do it or you?"

Since finances are tight, do what you can to save money even if you have to stay in the apartment. I would see what kind of implications there are since you said you already made a committment... Tell him what you want/need and tell him you are ready to work hard with him to have the life you both want. There will be time for toys and spending later when you are more stable. More than anything, make sure your baby is in good hands at all times.

If he is experiencing some depression, it could be dangerous for the baby to be with him alone. I am a good person and I love my children more than life itself, but when I went through postpartum, I was horrified by the thoughts that went through my head! Thankfully, I had help. You married your husband to be his life partner. He needs you now to help him through this.

If this is not the case, crack the whip and tell him to get off his lazy butt and take care of buisiness!!! More than anything, though, make sure you child is well cared for. If that means you start a dog walking business so you can stay home with your child, so be it. NOTHING is more important than caring for your little one.

These couple years are sooo stressful! If you can stick together during these tough times, it could be awesome once you have some breathing room!

Good luck!
C.

It sounds like your husband may have depression. Encourage him gently to see a doctor to determine if this is the case and to start medication if it is. Depression could explain so many of the symptoms - mood swings, lack of motivation, etc. Start there and it may open a discussion about the other issues you'd like to address.

L.,
I agree with others that part of the problem may be that your husband is experiencing some depression and frustration due to being embarrassed that he is not supporting his family. While his behavior is not acceptable, I think it's important for you to take a step back and remember that if he is a good man, then he is not intentionally trying to hurt you or your marriage.

I think the advice others have already given you to arrange for childcare so your husband can focus on finding a job is right on. It is impossible to give anything your full attention while you're caring for a baby, and it also eliminates any excuses for your husband not to make finding a job his top priority.

Networking is key to finding a job, and since your husband has a degree, it sounds like he just needs to get in touch with the right people. I can't say enough great things about the Career Connections and CareerCare programs in the Dallas/Plano areas. I know people who have found jobs through these networks because it brings people together who are looking for jobs to support each other and establishes connections to companies who are hiring.

Career Connections: http://www.careerconnection.org/index.html

CareerCare: http://www.standrewumc.org/ministries/careercare

Good luck!

Hey L.,
I am tearing up for you right now. I know how you feel, on probably a smaller scale, you sound a lot like me. The transition into mommyhood is hard enough without having to deal with your husband and his issues too. My husband and I are just resolving our "rough patch" after our son was born (8 months). I am now staying home and feeling guilty because money is very tight. I think church counseling is the best thing out there. I am so excited that so many people suggested the same thing. There are some helpful books out there too: I'd Rather Have a Housekeeper, Love Languages, Fireproof/Love Dare. I don't know if I'm the only one out there, but I think life must have been so much easier when we just followed our gender roles, it's like having a manual for life! Well, I feel for you and I will be praying for you and trust me most of us have had a rocky transition into parenthood. People tell you "You will love your husband a million times more when you see him as a dad"...yea...I almost hated my husband after our son was born, but I love him again, lucky guy. In my situation it got a LOT better the older our son got, I know that sucks. Now that Ben can crawl and say "dada" my husband seems to have reentered the game. As for the job thing...that's on a whole other level...I really hope he gets it together. Maybe you can call his mom...just kidding?? Good luck and I'm thinking about you guys.

You did not say what his work history is, or what his degree is in. It sounds like he is overwhelmed and a little depressed. He could need meds if he has extreme highs and extreme lows. He needs to grow up and face his responsibilites. In a pinch, you could easily take care of the baby yourself if you had to have child care and work full time. I would not give him the choice to stay at home, he may take it and never get a job again. A man needs to act like a man.

We have a great program at my church, you dont have to be a member, called re-engage. It is for couples experiencing marital troubles like yours. It's free and I have heard great things about it. Checkout watermark.org and search for re-engage.
Hope that helps, keep your chin up.

I don't have advice for you but I do want to make a comment about him having a bachelor's degree and not being able to find a job. I have two bachelor's degrees and have been looking for a job for over a year. I have had ONE interview.
With that said, if I absolutely needed a job like it sounds like he does, I wouldn't dismiss the delivery job or any of the others. Luckily my husband makes good money and is ok with me staying home now that I'm pregnant. I still look all the time, and I have applied for literally thousands of jobs. The problem is the economy. Most of the jobs available, I am overqualified for. Unfortunately the people hiring look at it as overqualified and not "she must really need a job if she's applying for this." It's very frustrating.
I'm not really trying to give him an excuse, I just want to make sure you know that for what he does apply for, it might not be his fault he's not getting it.

You've got a lot on your plate! I've read some of the comments to your situation and am surprised that there are still some women out there that feel compelled to try to guilt working moms into staying at home. Working moms generally work because the reality is that they have to financially and this does not diminish in any way the immense love and concern that they have for their children. That said, concern about who is caring for their children while they work is critical. Daycare is generally expensive, but there are options that are reasonable. For example my church (and I'm sure other churches do as well) has a daycare designed to help families that are struggling finanacially provide very affordable daycare for their children. (It's called New Hope Learning Center). You may want to look into something like this or even a twice a week Parent's Day Out type option which could free up your husband's day.

Best wishes to you and your family as you work through this difficult time. Your family will be in my prayers.

Dear L.,
It sounds like a really rough situation. I am so sorry. I have just a few thoughts as I read your email-- I have not been in a situation like yours, so I am not sure if it will help or not...

1. Do NOT move into the rental house. I know you are not happy where you are, but it sounds like life and finances are already so strained, adding extra expenses will just make it worse. It would be so much better to live on a budget, live within your means, save some money, wait until your financial situation improves, and focus on building your relationship before taking on the joys and stresses of living in a house.

2. Is there a male friend or relative that your husband can talk with about the job situation? I know that you are just trying to help him, truly I do. I would suspect that you come across as nagging or mothering him though to his ears, and that is probably not helping either. I totally agree that he needs guidance and encouragement-- just wondering if there is another strong male role model it could come from? Someone whom he respects?

3. Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/159... You can probably find it from the library-- or get a used copy from amazon pretty cheaply. It really helps women understand the way men think.

4. You have not shared with us whether or not this child was planned. He could be pretty overwhelmed knowing that he should be providing but does not know how to do that and feels a great burden. Just trying to look from his perspective.

5. You did not mention faith-- if you are a believer, I would encourage you to find a church where you can go and be nutrured and encouraged both yourself and in your marriage. If you are not but are open to exploring that, I will tell you that it is my faith alone in God and trust in HIm that has gotten me through situations I would have believed were impossible.

6. My church has a group for people who are looking for employment. I don't know a lot about it, but it is led by people who have been in a jobless situation. It is www.stonebriar.org if you are interested in looking into that.

I am sure not trying to criticize you at all, just trying to give you another point of you as I can see you are hurting.

Sending you big cyber hugs,
A.

Has he always been like this but only recently has it gotten worse or maybe you overlooked it before you had a baby? It is a necessity to communicate your feelings w/ your husband, but bottom line is you can not change your husband...or anyone else. People change themselves. The two of you should see a specialist together (marriage counselor or behavior specialist).

We all go thru rough spots but it sounds like you should suggest counseling to him soon. I am one to talk....I think we need it too in our home and just haven't got the nerve up to suggest it. If you want your marriage and family to last, I would start calling around to get an appointment. I also agree w/the other mom...try church counseling. I may do the same :)

I am so sorry you are faced with these troubles. I have no other advice than to tell you to get a counselor immediately. Try letting him read your post on mamasource so that he can see what your issues are and hopefully he will be receptive. If money is an issue, maybe your church can also offer counseling. Don't let the issues fester otherwise, it will only get worse. Trust me, I am a swimilar predictament right now. The pain you are experiencing is real and you are not getting your needs met. Counseling is the only way for him to hear from a 3rd unbiased party that he needs to meet your needs in the relationship. Best of luck -- hang in there, its tough...but hopefully the journey will be worth all the hard work.

oh L.,
I have been married for 12 yrs. now & we dated 7 yrs prior. I'll tell you Marriage is the single most difficult thing you'll ever do in your life. I don't believe in divorce but I have had one and I hate to say it but my first husband was exactley like yours. I was in the same boat !!! only I had a little girl. It never got better. I battled over him getting and keeping a job for 4yrs, before I threw in the towel. Let me tell you I can kick myself now for waiting that long. I think it's a part of their personality and who they are.
They just don't share the same ethics, value and respect that we have. I'm not suggesting you give up but I'll give you something to think about! If this is the most effort your getting out of him(as a Husband & Dad), what would it be like if you guys were in a more serious situation-whether financially or physically even mentally. You can only be the best mom to the one who needs it(the baby). Think of yourself, then the baby...
My ex-never did get that ideal job and has always floundered, never remarried, never bettering himself or his situation--it only got worse, it's sad to see someone with an education and potential go to waste, but like I said it's just how they are !! My daughter, now at college sees why I left and thanks me..for if not for my Sam, she would have never made it there(private Jesuit College in KC,MO.) and the best part !.....I got the chance to be a stay home mom for her and later, two little brothers(my ex always said that was a pipe dream and would never happen), well it did just not with him !!!!. It won't be easy to make a decision but know in your heart Jesus won't let you down and maybe he's letting you know that talking care of your son needs to be left up to you and only you at least for a while. God bless, S.

L.,

It made so sad to read this. You and your child deserve a real man who knows what love is and understands the responsibilities that come with family. I would give him an ultimatuem - either grow up or get out. And really mean it. You already have one child to raise, and that's enough for any new mom. Hang in there.

R.