Need Some Opinions on Discipline - Who's Right/who's Wrong

The problem is not that your way or thier way is wrong. Both are fine. The issue here is consistency in expectations. As long as the expectations are the same from both of you, you should not have trouble. You are right, ideally modeling is the best way to teach behavior assuming you are a good and consistent role model, however, people also have to be able to accept direction in the real world (school, work). The best bet is a hybred situation where both techniques are used in the appropriate moments. This is a really tough issue, especially as there is really no absolute right way to parent (although there are definitely some wrong ways).

A., it's okay to disagree w/ your MIL or your own parents for that matter, just be careful about telling someone that they are wrong about anything, it hurts feelings and makes them defensive. You don't want to have a strained relationship w/ family members. Just say "thanks for your suggestion" and then do what you think is right. Also, don't ever get into a discipline "discussion" in the presence of the child or worst of all during the heat of the moment when dealing w/ the child's behavior.
Find what is right for you. Nonviolent, non-yelling is always the better way to go but, it's true, we are all human and sometimes the way we were raised comes out of us and we end up yelling or spanking. Don't worry. As long as you are not abusive, your child will forgive and forget, the hardest part is forgiving yourself.
I suggest you take a parenting class. Check with your church, nearby school, even hospitals to see if they can direct you to some. I have attended some that were taught through the Precious Minds, New Connections Program. Try looking them up online or as I mentioned before, call your church, school, or hospital. Also, try the library, and even CPS, they may know where to direct you. And make sure that you and your husband attend together. You will learn so much. You will learn from the teacher's resources as well as from other parents in the class. Together, you and your husband will come to an understanding of why children do what they do and also of the different ways of responding to different personalities.
You sound like you are already on the right track. Look into those classes and good luck to you.
L.

There are hundreds of different opinions out there about how to raise children and they can't all be right or all be wrong. The point is your MIL/FIL should not get involved in how you and your husband choose to raise your children unless you ask for their advice. You and your husband have to decide what works best for your family. Then your in-laws must accept this. If you and your husband are constantly communicating about each child and what will help them with whatever issue they seem to be struggling with you'll all be happier. As long as you two are always a team and are always consistent, those are the important things.

I would suggest looking into The Kazden Method. You can check the book out at the library and it comes with a DVD. It deals a lot with positive parenting. It teaches you how to get the behaviors you want out of your children with less grief for you. Very simply you must be very clear about what you'd like your child to do, let them practice it (play pretend) and when they do what you ask them to do, praise them enthusiastically, tell them what they did right, and then give them positive physical touch (e.g. a hug, a high five). It works beautifully. The book also includes some other great, practical information. My kids were always fighting in the car until I tried this method. It works! Love and Logic Parenting and The Five Love Languages are also great resources.

Like you, I'm always reading/learning about how to be a better parent. Some of what I read/hear I agree with and some I don't. Find out what fits for you and your family. Just make sure you and your husband agree...don't disagree or undermine each other about discipline in front of your children. They'll learn very quickly how to play you and your husband against each other. Good luck!

I personally believe you need a little of both - balanced. Your child desperately needs to be taught, especially while so young, that he/she needs to obey immediately without question or immediate consequences will happen. This needs to be practiced with not so important issues to that when something important comes up, they are already trained to obey on command. When you say no or stop they stop. When that child knows how to obey on the spot just because you said so, then you will be saving his life! Next, after that is learned well, minor commands can be used to model good behavior and explain what is expected and why. If it is a matter of picking up his toys, etc. Then, I usually don't be so forceful as I would about not going into the street or opening the door, etc. I say please and have different punishments for different offences as well as different children who react differently.

Let your husband discipline his way. Both are good and validated. Don't try to change him - you will be grateful that he is the way he is later on. You are probably too gentle and he a little too rough. You balance each other out. MILs and SILs may give advice. Listen, but in the end you have to work this out between you and your husband - not his or your family. Don't critique your husband too much or he may shut down and not discipline at all. You don't want that.

You are going to get hundreds of responces to this question. The only fact is that you need to get on the same page with your husband. Consistancy is key.

I agree with what others said. Parenting is more of an art than a science, and a lot of it depends on the personality of the child and the personality/values/culture/resources of the parents. You need to find what's right for YOU.

Personally, I'm with you on the modeling perspective. To paraphrase Gandhi, I think we need to BE the change we want to see in our kids. (Which is why I will never be able to tell my son to clean up his room unless I'm willing to clean up my own room....)