Since birth my son has been a dramatic character whom I LOVE dearly . . . but it seems as of late my husband and I are struggling when we deal with him in regards to fears, situations, etc. For instance, we will be in the front of the house watching tv and he will have to throw something out in the garbage which is in the other part of the house (not far at all) but he will say he is "afraid" cause it's dark in the kitchen (it's not pitch black, there is a light over the sink). . . now, part of me recalls being a little skittish of the dark and all but he makes a production about it crying (with actual tears) and will only go if his 4 yr old sister or the dog goes with him. At first my husband and I would just sigh and tell him to go repeatedly but it seems like now, we just don't have the patience for it anymore. We lose our temper quickly and we end up yelling at him about his "performance." And this happens at least once a day with some situation that he is "afraid" of or has a negative feel for. My husband feels that the "afraid" deal is just an excuse and that our son is trying to wear us down ( I don't believe he is acting to get out of the task, cause he ends up doing what we've asked). However, my son is just like me (poor kid) and is very sensitive. I don't want to dismiss his fears and make him think that his feelings are not important but encouragement doesn't work. He twists everything around so much that I end up exhausted in trying to be positive with him. I am just really worried that my husband and I are doing some damage b/c we don't know how to deal with and his "over the top" acting.
Augh.
Anyone dealing/dealt with a kid like this?
Thanks for the help, ladies. I do think he is truly afraid but our frustration is with the theatrics of it all. I obviously don't want to traumatize him by forcing him into dark rooms, etc. BUT I do want to help him overcome this. I had anxiety as a child (horrible separation anxiety until about age 7- thanks to an alcoholic parent) so I can tell the difference and I know I am not getting played, trust me. We are way over the initial coddling stage . . . That being said, I do want to help him through it and I think we needed some fresh perspectives so again I thank you. I really liked the flashlight idea . . . I guess it's never too early for some cognitive behavioral therapy ;-) I am going to print your posts and share them with my husband. Thanks and have a great weekend.
Time to think outside the box! (Like he does.) Put a garbage can in the tv room, or leave a light on in the kitchen where the garbage can is, etc. Some things are not worth the resulting drama. The important thing is that he does the task--like throws his garbage away.
When he's afraid, just go with him and talk him through it. Eventually he'll realize there is nothing to be afraid about.
He's looking to you guys to help him feel safe & secure.
Help him through it and give him a big hug!
Some kids have what's called anxiety. It's not only for adults. One mom said he's playing you, and needs to obey you. I'm all for well behaved kids, but I just want to say some kids truely are affected by their fears. Fears can dictate many emotions of which they can't control, or may need help controlling. Our son truely does have anxiety over many fears and we are doing congnitive behavior therapy. Google it and you may find some techniques to try. (Other then making him obey you). Try a different approach. (not saying your son has anixety, just making a point some kids have stronger emotions about things!) Good luck.
Give him a clip flashlight. He can take it with him into the "shadowy kitchen"...
Very bright and imaginative kids, can scare the bejesus out of themselves..
I bet you were very imaginative yourself..
I used to freak myself out when i was younger, heck I still do. We have a kitchen window over the sink and a huge one on our kitchen door, I freak myself out with my own reflection and forget about it if a lizard is climbing out there at night.. Whoa! I can go skittering through the house searching for my husband or daughter hands flailing like a cray person..
As a child therapist, I've see a number of "sensitive" children. From my experience, children with these kinds of fears are afraid of or worried about something. My thought is that it's not necessarily that your son is afraid of the dark but some feeling is elicited when he anticipates going into the kitchen alone. Perhaps it has something to do with separation or loss or something else. It's likely something outside his conscious awareness so he may not be able to tell you what it really is right away. However, continually talking to him about what scares him about going into the kitchen, wondering what he thinks might happen while he's gone, etc. may help elicit the true worry behind this fear. Once that comes to the surface and you and your son can process it (e.g., maybe he's actually afraid of being "abandoned" and you acknowledge that and talk about how everyone will be there for him when he gets back), the fear is likely to dissipate. Children's fears are always real but they sometimes represent something very different than they seem to on the surface. Good luck!
he's twisting you.....& you're excusing it by saying that he's just like you - a sensitive soul. If this happens regularly, he's not only performing ....but making you do so, too! Seriously, think about.....how much effort, charm, emotions are you putting into each interaction with him - especially when you already admit that these are normal everyday situations which should not be at issue?
I realize you do not want to feel as if you're ignoring his fears, but these issues have been addressed repeatedly......& they're still there. Your comment about his "over the top" acting.....really says you know where the issue lies: he is playing you, he is in charge, & it's time for you to take over the reins as the "one in charge". Do not spend time trying to placate his fears.....flip this into an issue of whether or not he is going to obey you & listen to your words.
To implement this change, have a family conference addressing his fears, what you expect as compliance, & what the consequence will be if he does not comply. This is not harsh, this is not mean.....this is not ignoring his fears. It is teaching him to face his fears, to address his issues, & to comply with your wishes without the drama. I hope this works for you!
Witnessing and validating is the most important thing you should be doing. That means acknowledging his fear and that you can understand that going into the kitchen by himself when it's dark can be scary. Maybe he can turn on lights on his way there? In the hall, or dining room, and kitchen? Why can't he have the dog go with him? Assuming of course the dog will go. Have him figure out a solution with your input if needed.
relax... don't get upset.. but try talking to him... ask his little sister to go in the kitchen... and show him that he can see her.. that it's a little darker.. but not real dark. point outside and say wow that's dark.. or show him in a closed room with the light off... that's dark.. but the kitchen isn't to dark.. just a little.. show him that noone else is afraid because their is nothing to be afraid of. just keep inforcing that its silly... laugh and say to him you are so silly... your to big to be afraid of that... and then laugh again.. likes its a game he is playing..
Yes! We have a daughter just like this. Although her fears have progressed to other areas now. At first we responded with the tough love routine, but it never got any better and the resulting stress on the family wasn't good for anyone. Now, I talk, talk, talk it out with her. "How can I help you feel better about (getting on the elevator, going in the other room without me), and she tells me. Eventually, she has been able to work through some of her fears.
My question to you... is your child a picky eater? Have any sensitivity issues to touching things or lights or sounds? My daughter struggles at mealtime when presented with uncommon foods (like meatballs or tacos!) This coupled with anxiety can be on the sensory processing disorder spectrum.
Good luck with everything. And give your little guy a hug!
Over the top acting? And you are yelling at him about his "performance"? This is a 6 year old we are talking about, not a 12 year old. He just might have gotten old enough to realize that dangerous things can happen in dark places. He is not "twisting things around" to frustrate you, just giving you an example of a 6 year old's logic-which is convoluted. And a child crying real tears when dealing with fears is usually not making a "production" out of it. Your expectations are unrealistic and you could benefit from some professional intervention. Ask your ped how to get it.
I am dealing with this too. You described my 7 yo daughter to a T. She has a severe anxiety disorder. You should check into that. I have had my daughter go to psychiatrist and a counselor, which helps a lot.
I would mention it to your pediatrician. You could ask if it could be something with his vision to rule out a physical reason. Does he have any balance issues- because walking into a dark room if you have balance issues can be challenging. Our sense of balance depends on our vision, hearing and proprioceptive sense. Does your son have ADHD or possible ADHD? ADHD can cause slight balance problems and balance is more difficult the more tired we are. I am personally afraid to walk through a dark room because one time I did at my parents and the ottoman was in the middle of the room and I tripped over it and got hurt. Anxiety is a real problem and there are medications that can help with it. 1/4 of children with ADHD have anxiety. Being sensitive is a good thing. Many fields require sensitive people in the career world. Like writers. :-)
