Need Some Advice, or My Marriage Is Going to Fail

I understand and have tried a few things myself to try and increase my libido. It sounds a little strange, but here are two things that have worked for me.
1. Tell myself that I need to be the one to "come on" to my husband. I understand more the rejection that he feels when he tells me no.
2. Set a time with my husband when we will make love. When I know it's coming, and it's on the schedule, I can have that in my mind and get ready for it throughout the day. I don't know if you know this (I had to learn from my doctor), but women take at least twice as long to get excited about the idea of sex as men do. When you are anticipating it, that means you can "warm up" to the idea more slowly, and it's a lot easier to respond.

Good luck!

A friend of mine back home went through this and when she went to her gyno and brought it up he did some blood work. What she found was that her testosterone was really, really low which made her libido non-exsistence. An imbalance of progesterone can cause you not to physically respond as well, making it difficult and painful to have sex.

I would go first and ask for bloodwork (if you haven't) and see if there are any underlying physical issues. And if that isn't the case I agree with the idea of a counselor that deals with sex and intimacy issues. You could go alone at first if your husband is a little put off by it.

Hope this helps,

L.

I'm kind of shocked you mentioned nothing about counseling. I would think that would be the best route for you two. There are marriage counselors who deal with sex issues. You definately need to get this figured out and if you haven't been able to find the source of your non interest you need a third party. I'm sure your hubby is at the end of his rope seeing as men respond to sex or lack there of.

Gosh my hubby gets frustrated after a week! In my defense he travels during the week and I am raising two babies and preggers with #3. But if we go all weekend without having sex he is pretty sure something is drastically wrong (I'm mean who's too tired for sex!!!)

Go get some help for you, hubby and your mairriage. Good luck!

I only have been married for 5 years but seem to be in the same boat as you. The first 6 months of our marriage the sex was ok, actually felt good and reached a few orgasms. After that it I had little to no pleasure, we rarely have sex and as you said it has done a number on that intimate connection.

I am not on birth control, have done the hormone testing to see if everything is at a good level, and we have done counseling. There is a difference between low sex drive (which is you just don't have the urge) and no pleasure during sex (which in the end can led to a low sex drive, who wants to have sex if it does not feel good).

All the doctors I went to said just do it, the more sex you have the more you want it and it will feel pleasurable... well my husband gets the pleasure and that is about it, I have tried faking it in hope it would turn real some day but after months it never did.

Finally I got sex books, we read them together and try different positions finding that sometimes a different position hits a pleasurable spot for me (still rare but sometimes it is good). I have also tried those intensifying lotions (the really strong ones otherwise they don't work for me), they work a little, get the blood flowing and tingling sensation down there which at least makes sex a little pleasurable. I have noticed using the lotions too much and they do not work as well so I try to use it ever other week. Also foreplay is what really does it for me, my hubby and I have really worked on extending that since it is most pleasurable for me (had to experiment to find what was most pleasurable, books were very helpful for us in this category).

Just keep reminding your husband that you love him and just because sex is not burning the bedroom down does not make him any less of a man to you. Besides that I have nothing, very interested in other advice.

This is a different answer but it's how I dealt with the same thing: after a six year marriage I ended up divorcing my husband (we had no kids together) to look for a man who had the kind of sizzle I was looking for. My 1st and I never had chemistry and though we loved each other like friends, it didn't feel right to the marriage to deny the sexual aspect. And it worked for both of us well. He found and married a woman and has a great sex life with her and I have done the same with husband #2. So it may be just that you need a different partner. Now, if you love your partner enough to want to make it work and take the awesome suggestions from the other women written below, I would recommend doing what I did ONLY as a last resort. It was not easy, it was emotionally painful. I'm over it now but marriage is nothing to be taken lightly. Best of luck in your decision! You are not alone in this.. many couples (women) experience it.

I would speak to your gyno about this - you might have some female issues that cause sex to be unenjoyable and perhaps the doctor could make some recommendations on exercises, etc that you can do to make it more pleasurable. Good luck!

I get my hormones checked at least once a year and my doctor tells me my testosterone is low. It probably is!! I am a very passionate person and sex is more about the love and intimacy then just the act itself. I am a very sexual person and I can not just "do" anyone. I am not married and have not had sex for a couple of years. It is not because I don't want to or because the idea turns me off. I have just learned to channel all of my passion towards one man. I am a very uninhibited person also. Sex is just not something that happens at night. Foreplay needs to go on throughout the day. It doesn't have to be oral sex or anything like that. I can just be flirting or soft glances or light touches. If the time is right go for a quickie in the closet. Take a shower together and rub each other's bodies. Use toys or any other stimulus you may need. There is a home party called the SLUMBER PARTY that gives lots of info and sells toys. Go for that!! I think a lot of feelings that people have about sex are often feelings of insecurity. Do you feel comfortable being naked?! Work on yourself. Put on a smile, enjoy life. Yoga is a big thing for me. It brings an inner peace and my body is toned in places that I thought were out of the question. Love yourself!! Exercise in general releases "happy" hormones. What you and your husband do in the bedroom is nobody's business!! It is a very intimate time for the two of you. Just talking about sex gets me worked up. Buy a sex game at Spencer's. ENJOY ENJOY

Read this article, it may help.

It tells some of women's "zones" and some of them you may be surprised by. But you may get some ideas.

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/articles/lazy_gui...

You are SOOOOOOOOO not alone on this. Thanks for posting--reassuring me that I'm not alone. Best wishes to you!

I used to relate to this. I was estrogen dominant. The milk I drank, the meat I would eat all had been laced with estrogen. All cows are shot with it to make them fat. They sell for more money if they weigh more. Also, it makes them produce more milk. Its all about the money. It reaks havoc on our bodies though. When I was 34 I had no more interest in sex then attending a football game. My husband was hurt because I didn't need him in that way any more. I found out about a progensterine cream that helped a lot. My labido increased a lot. We have been very creative in possitions and other things that spice things up. I can't imagine not having at least 10 organsms. There has to be some sex therapists to help you respond better. But check out the hormaone thing first and take some of the suggestions posted. Good Luck

http://www.watchtower.org/e/19990422a/article_03.htm

Are you on birth control pills? For years, I thought that I had low sex drive. I went to different doctors, and no one mentioned my birth control pills because I was on such a low-dose hormone. However, when I went off them, everything changed! If you are on them (or any sort of hormone) talk to your doctor about going off it to see if that improves anything.

If not, I think you need to see a therapist, and also talk to your doctor about testosterone treatments. It could save your marriage.

I'd like to recommend a really wonderful book - The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I'm assuming you two are still in love and just looking for a way to deal with the sexual situation. Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch is also very good, but a little difficult to read. Both are located in CO and offer workshops and counseling.

Do you exercise? There are so many great benefits from exercise! Recently I lost 21 pounds (back to size 8) from exercise and I feel great about my body. My energy levels are higher too. As Carrie P said, exercise is great for brain chemicals. It's good for sex-- I feel good when hubby rubs his hands across my belly, not self-conscious. Hubby just had a vasectomy too, and my exercise and no risk of getting pregnant has really reved up our sex life.

Also, for me, foreplay is hubby doing the dishes and putting the kids to bed. If he's 'waiting in bed' and I'm still straightening up, he can just forget it. 20 minutes in bed before he comes will give you time to relax, enjoy who you are and make the mental shift. DON"T avoid each other by turning on the TV or turning to the computer. Talk and be together before the lights go out.

Get some nice massage oil -- there's something about touch, whether he's rubbing my back or feet or I his, is very pleasurable. Try to enjoy your body and each other more. Good luck.

Sex toys are a good way to spice it up a little , no man can do what a toy can do & if you let him use it on you it will be fun for you both.