Need Help with Teenager Issues

First of all try putting yourself in her shoes. I think I would be the same way she is, if my mom was never home and left me to care for my brother when it was my mothers responsibility. Usually teenagers have attitude problems anyway, so it's no wonder this poor girl has an even bigger attitude-I would too. I'm not sure if taking things away from her is necessarily the best thing to do in this situation. She's already had enough taken from her life. I say just be as kind and gentle but still very firm. Explain to her that you know this is hard for her and it's going to take some time on both your parts to get used to a new situation. I don't think you can get mad at her for not having respect and boundaries when she has never been taught any. Like I said, just continue to be strong and firm but still be kind and she'll adjust to her new situation. Don't act irritated or mad, or she'll just respond to your emotions. It's not going to happen overnight, but someday she'll start coming around. You need to give it time, it's only been 6 months. Please don't give up on this child, she needs you and remeber...you invited her to come live in your home. We had my husbands niece who was 18 come and live w/ us last summer, because we felt bad for her because her parents were screw ups and she had a horrible childhood. My husband is VERY strict and expects certain behaviors from others and expected the same from her, and in her first 3 weeks w/ us we saw a huge change in her. She actually had 3 jobs at once & when she lived w/ her mom complained that she couldn't get a job(the difference is we made her go look for one and not sit home and complain). Then she started going back to her moms on the weekends, and then we saw a decline in her attitude and eventually she moved out because we were too structered for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have the power to teach her SO much at a young age that you can actually help her, and when she's an adult she will really appreciate you. It's going to be rough but in the end when you see her succeed and you'll be proud in knowing that you didn't give up on her and actually contributed to her success. Good luck!! And again, remember, don't get mad at her for being rude and disrespectul when she has never been taught any manners, just be sure to teach her all that, and she'll do just fine as long as you don't give up on her.

Hi C.,

Heres my two cents worth. You have done a wonderful thing by taking her in and trying to teach her respect, help her with school and with boundaries. The problem is, she has been taught very little. She has had to become an adult at a very young age with alot of responsibility and no guidance in how to do what she was left to do. Right now she is rebelling against the boundaries but they must be there for her to succeed in life. She definitely would benefit from some counseling to deal with the chance of some abandonment issues from her mother. As well as, you and your husband benefiting from some ideas on how best to proceed with her. I am not sure about the Blue Valley schools but in the Olathe schools there is counseling available to every child. (10 free sessions) This is done at a seperate building where no one has preconceived notions of who she is and what her problems might be.
As far as the school issues, I would sit down with her principal and see if he/she has any ideas for you. It is amazing the resources out there available when you find the right person to find you that information.

Hang in there! You have done a wonderful thing by giving this child a chance at a better life. And I know she doesnt seem like it but she is starved for boundaries. There is security in knowing what is expected of you.

Good luck!!

C.,

So far it sounds like you're doing all the right things! I only want to add that it sounds like there's more to the story in the life she left back in Texas...maybe she's got some abandonment issues? If that is the case, she could be testing your limits to see if you'll give up on her too, that's a pretty classic move by kids who don't have close relationships with their parents, or any adult really. If adults usually give up on her, maybe she's just trying to make the choice easier so she doesn't feel rejected. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I would suggest some couseling as well. Please understand I'm not judging you, it is just difficult to know the right move with kids who are really disabled emotionally, and regardless of her 'previous life', couseling could help her adjust to her new life! Good luck and hang in there! You are providing a wonderful home for her!

Hi C.,

I've got an 18 year old boy and 14 year old girl. We certainly are not perfect and they're fairly normal teens, but they also are respectful both in speech and their actions.
After thinking about this a little bit, I think a few counseling sessions are in order. NOT that YOU are doing anything wrong, or that she's really that bad, but she sounds a little lost. If she was kinda left on her own before with her mother, she had no guidance and doesn't know what is appropriate. I understand you and your husband I'm sure has tried to talk to her and explain appropriate behavior and boundries but she's still trying to test you.
I think talking to a third party like clergy or even some kind of counselor to help her see that this is a gift and an opportunity for her. You and her dad were there for her when she needed you and now she needs to realize that and act appropriately. They may even be able to help with school suggestions.
I guess as an outsider, to me it's almost like you and you're husband are foster parents. Here's this teenager who like a teen is testing the waters but she also has been lacking consistent guidance and structure in the past and now is having a hard time dealing with all the changes. As you and your husband I'm sure are too!

Best of luck to you,

Lori K

In regard to her difficulty with school, you may try contacting one of the learning centers to see what they have to offer, although they can be quite expensive. I know that Accelerated, near Metcalf and 435, sometimes has 6 week scholarships available, but you may need to contact her school counselor or the principal at Blue Valley to be eligible for this. They were extremely helpful with my son's learning issues. Building her confidence at school may be a step in the right direction in regard to her behaviors, etc. Just a thought. Good luck!

I would ask the school to have her evaluated to see if she needs to have a special tutor or be in another class that has more one on one to help her catch up as it sounds like she is having a difficult time catching up to their curriculum. If she is far behind the others then this is going to cause a really hard situation at school and she will lose interest in learning. I do know that when my cousins moved to Olathe from Missouri that they had to work a lot harder to keep up. They were in all honor/gifted classes in Missouri and didn't have to work as hard as they did in Olathe to continue to stay in the honor classes and had a lot more homework in Kansas. My kids have had to adjust a lot as we were military and moved every 2-3 years and with every move there was a change in whether their school work was harder or easier depending on the different school districts. They have been to 3 different Missouri school districts and they are different as well. I was surprised that the small rural school district was a lot tougher than the big schools they are in now.
Even the best teenagers can be tough at times. You just never know what is ticking in their minds at any given time so have to learn what works and definately have boundaries and rules for them. Do not let them run over you. Even though teenagers will tell you that your rules are dumb--they really do like to have boundaries and feel cared for even if they think it's awful at the time and express themselves very mean while you are trying to enforce the rules. My almost 14 year old daughter can be very mouthy and thinks I am mean and she is very sweet with everyone else but we have our frustrated times and I always wonder what she is thinking. Well she likes to write and brings her notebook for me to read her stories sometimes and in those stories I find out how she really feels about me or the rest of the family and then know that everything is ok even though her actions don't always portray that things are ok. Just keep showing her love and that you care. She is probably having a hard time adjusting to the new school and surroundings and doesn't know how to handle things. Teenagers especially girls are full of hormone changes and mood swings. You can't predict a minute as something very small will trigger them off. Just be very consistant with your decisions and rules. If you ground her stick with it until the end even if you feel later that your punishment may be a little rough but after it's over and the next time you need to ground her then you will probably be more reasonable. My hubby has a hard time with this and he will ground them in the heat of the moment of him being mad or frustrated and usually gives them a harsh punishment like the last one. grounded from friends, tv, movies, phone, video games, basically they are grounded from everything but reading and church and then he felt bad about it a few hours later and will let them do some of this before his punishment is over. This is setting up for disaster as they aren't going to respect his authority if he keeps letting them talk him into letting them have their privileges back. I usually start with a few things and ground for 2-3 days at a time and if they keep arguing or don't change their attitude I keep adding on another day and let them know.. well there goes another day added. Sometimes my daughter is sick of her friends and does stuff to get grounded from them on purpose. I have also figured this one out and am fine with it as she doesn't know how to tell them that she needs a break from them and has even asked me to ground her before to get a break away from them LOL. Sometimes they just want to be to themselves but don't know how to express this to their friends nor does her friends understand because they are so needy and think they can't be happy unless they are hanging out with their friends or talking on the phone all the time. Others like my daughter like to have some personal space to herself and not feel needed all the time. She does have a few needy friends that the parents don't spend a lot of time with them so they lean on her friendship a lot and wears her out.
Find a good church with a good youth group and get her involved in good activities. Teenagers need that and they aren't happy if they have to be stuck at home all the time with younger siblings. If you want to try our youth group out you can send me a message. We have youth service on Wednesday nights at 7:00. They also have small group Bible studies on days throughout the week. There is a drama team that meets on Tues and Sunday afternoon and they go to Fine Arts competitions and have been to Nationals the past few years. There is also National Girls Ministry which is similar to girl scouts where they earn badges for each unit they complete. The 9-12th grade girls meet on Tuesday nights so they can go to youth on Wednesday night and be involved in both ministries if they want to.
Just keep reminding her of the rules of the house and you may even want to sit down with her and make up rules and ask her what would be good punishments for breaking the rules. If she helps make up the rules and punishments then she will feel like she has a part in the decisions and most of the time you will be surprised at what they choose for their punishment, I am amazed that most of the time kids will pick a harsher punishment than we would have picked but will accept it better because they had a part in setting it all up and make sure you stick to the punishment and boundaries that you have set up as this will show that you respect her as well.
Don't give up on her yet. Teenagers are tough to figure out but do need a lot of love and care. They just want to be loved and feel respected so if you show them some respect then hopefully she will show respect. If she has her own room, knock on her door before entering and teach your younger kids to do that as well. If you want to borrow something of hers ask as well whether it be a movie or think of things to borrow to show her this is the way to ask instead of just getting into other peoples things without asking. If you show her respect in this way then hopefully she will respect your things.
Just keep trying different ideas and ways to help her. You will figure out what works and what don't with time. Just be consistant with discipline issues. She is still going to test you and see what she can get by with.
Sorry this is so long. Just know that you are not alone and teenagers are tough years to get through. Just think back when you were a teen and how some of your attitudes were. I know I was tough on my Mom when I was 14 and 15 and we were very close and my mom was my best friend but I regret how I acted those rough few years and always remind myself of those years when I am raising my teens.

You already have several great responses. I would just like to echo that it sounds like she needs two things:

(1) Reassurance from you and your husband that you'll stick with her no matter what. Do this in a calm conversation when you are not reacting to recent grades, etc. Let her know how concerned you are for her and how much you both love her.

(2) She may need a tutor or additional support with school work. If she is embarassed that she is so far behind she may try and "save face" by just giving up and putting on a tough-girl-i-dont-give-a-$h!* attitude. Give her the opportunity to experience a little success - and let the good feeling that comes along with it motivate her to keep it up.

Good luck!