Ok this is so very sad but I have no Idea what to do. Last month I found a baby bird in the street. It had been there for days so I took it home was going to give it to my mom since she loves birds & has raised several orphaned ones before. Well when I got it home long story short my 3 yr old son got it off the fridge & drowned it in the sink. He was trying to give it a bath. I tried to explain to him why he could do things like that & how the bird is in heaven blaah blah blah. He laughed. He tells everyone the bird is dead & he killed it.
Now comes yesterday, I told him to take the dogs outside & play if he wanted to play with them. He said he didn't & went up stairs to play. The dogs followed him. Next thing I hear is Lilly, a little white fluff yelping outside. I was doing bank stuff on the computer by the back door so I know she didn't go outside thru the back door. I run out freaking out & hear the 2nd story window close. My son is standing there looking at me thru it & Lilly is limping up the steps from the sunken garage area. He broke her femur which cost 1200 to fix. I am staying with my sister & didn't know that the room he thru her out window did not lock so home depot can fix that but how can I make my son understand what he did is wrong. We showed him Lilly with her leg shaved & has a rod sticking out, huge cut & stickes. But he LAUGHS he thinks it is a joke. I am really worried. I dont want him to hurt anymore animal (horrible but have a fear it leads to serial killing) so how do I make him understand we tried explaining using his pumps & bruises as that's what happened but still nothing?????
SO as I re read this I see that I forgot some points such as with the bird he thought it was dirty & needed a bath not that he was trying to kill the bird. I dont think he knew the water & the bird don't mix. I was about his age when I tried to bath one of my mom's birds luckily she came in before he died...As for his laughing as I was talking to my mom she pointed out he only started laughing after we told some people who asked about the bird & they thought is was funny it that sick twisted your joking right kinda way.
As far as the dog this morning just him & I went to check on her. He was really sweet with her & told her he was sorry, gave her kisses & went to find all the toys he thought she might like. Since it happened he hadn't really been alone with her & YES AN ADULT since all the other kids were way peeved he hurt their dog. The dog is actually my sister not mine... My son does have his own dog one we had before he was born & he has never tried to hurt the dog at all. In fact he loves his dog shares his blanket & plays with her but she is a 75lb English bulldog so he cant pick her up. Lilly however is a little white fluff dog & I think it all boils down to him wanting to take them outside like mom said. He just picked the wrong place to put her out, heaven only knows if he was getting ready to follow the dog out himself. I will still talk to his doctor about this but I am getting the feeling I was just freaking out. One to many Dr. Phil shows :) Other then the bird & poor Lilly he has never tried to hurt another animal. He doesn't do it for perverse pleasure which it seems alot of you think. He actually loves animals. I was more concerned about how to explain the dog hurt/bird died thing in understandable 3yr old language. But he seems to understand with Lilly, the bird well nothing he ever really knew or loved has died so I think we will have to cover the death later. He just thinks heaven is a place like the store...
This is a very serious issue and needs to be addressed. But he is only 3 years old, and while most 3yo understand cause and effect, some do not.
I would seek professional counseling for BOTH of you.
I agree with megan . He might have seen or heard something from someone that might have lead to these actions. I would seriously recommend you seeing a psychologist immediately.
I would take him to see a child psychologist. This is not normal behavior for a 3 yr. old.
Hope this helps, & doesn't upset you.
Dear K.,
UPDATE!!!!!
I just want to say I read your "So What Happened" and it sounds completely different than what you said in your initial post. You are right that the details like you added later do matter a great deal. Don't be upset that people were, rightly, very concerned--because you told us he was laughing at the pain he caused and you were very worried. If there are reasons you can think of that he may be laughing, as you suggested that it may just be because that is the way others reacted when you told the story, then that may be all it is. As I said earlier (below) you DO need to teach empathy to a 3 year old. They aren't born with it. But if it seems like he is actually enjoying causing pain, there is a problem to look into and you should nip it in the bud with a specialist who can assess what is going on. I hope you realize that I also said I would never attempt to diagnose based on one post here, for the exact reason that one cannot know the other details or see the person in action to get clues about behavior.
What you said in your update makes sense and it now sounds like a simple case of a little boy who has a LOT of energy and should not be left alone with animals or smaller children until he does develop more.
My heart goes out to you, because this is not just a simple thing you can teach him. I would never try to give you a full answer about what is going on with your son via a message board like this, without even meeting him in person. But the behaviors you are describing make me think you will want to get your little boy to a child behavior specialist. There are a few different things that can lead to a lack of empathy, and they each have different approaches to working with the child. You will want to start whatever is the appropriate thing soon. While it is normal to need to teach empathy and compassion for animals or others, by making sure children this age understand that others have feelings like theirs, it should not be something he laughs at or takes pleasure in doing. But it also doesn't mean you are raising a serial killer, though I understand and empathize with your fears.
But this is something to seek professional guidance on how to handle, hon.
What you have is a "line of sight" child. In other words do not let him out of your line of sight. This is an inconvenience and yes it will hinder your computer time and your "me" time but he needs supervision. He is getting into these predicaments because he is left alone.
I am not judging you. I have a line of sight child who is now 21. I still worry.
You need to find homes for your animals so that he can't hurt them again. You also need to get your son to a child psychologist. There is no way you can just hope this gets better or say or do anything to handle this yourself. I haven't read the other responses. So I don't know if everyone is taking it seriously. It's better to be safe than sorry. There is no way he should be this willing to hurt anyone or anything. A mistake is one thing. But his reaction is scary.
My daughter tried to cut my dogs hair once when she was very little and cut the dog. We had to get stitches. She was only 2.5 and she was able to have sympathy for the dog and felt bad. She loves animals and has never hurt another. She's 20 years old, grown with a baby now.
Out of a few hundred daycare children I've taken care of over the last 24 years, only 2 children have ever hurt animals. One child killed my pet parakeet and another child killed a puppy that was outside but belonged to one of his neighbors. I don't know where they boys are anymore. So I can't tell you how it turned out.
Please do what the other moms said to do.
Get a referral ASAP to a behavioral counselor or a child psychologist.
If you don't know where to start, if there's a university near you,
call their department of psychology and ask if there's a referral service.
Meanwhile . . . . does your son watch violent programs on TV?
Are there people in his life -- uncles, cousins --
who model this kind of behavior?
Clearly your attempt to explain empathy and kindness
are not enough to deal with the current situation.
You said he is THREE??? So, if the bird was on top of the fridge,
does that mean he used a kitchen step-stool to reach it?
As one of the other moms said, please do not leave him alone
with animals or small children.
Good luck!!
S.
Your 3 yr. old should NOT be left unsupervised. He makes rash, cruel and unwise decisions and should not be left unattended. period.
He should not be near your animals, nor should you be telling the 3 yr old to play with the dogs. It is obvious that he does not know how.
This is not normal behaviour. Run to the nearest professional that will help in aiding you with this problem and above all take this very seriously. Don't leave him with animals or BABIES. He has a very serious problem that needs to be addressed immediately. Good luck. I have a feeling you will need lots of it.
L.
At three, these are probably not the actions of a future serial killer. If he's still doing this stuff at 6 or 7...
I don't think you need to tell him they're in heaven, unless he's asking where they are -- I think you need to focus more on the fact that these animals got hurt than that they are now in some warm and fuzzy place, which might make him think it's okay to hurt them.
Short and sweet. "Honey, you can't throw a dog out the window. It hurts him a lot." "Honey, you can't give a bird a bath." When he's 5 or 6, if this stuff is still going on, it's time to worry.
Well I am really sorry. First I do think that a lace of empathy is somewhat normal at this age but I do think that throwing the dog out the window was a bit extreme. However, I am also really happy he didn't decide to jump!! Kids his age have some trouble grasping consequence. When I was like 6 my mom's friend gave me baby chicks for easter, which I think is so cruel now, but back in the day a lot people did it. Anyway, I decided to teach them to swim. So you can imagine that this did not go well for the baby chicks. I was worried about them but then again, I was six. I mean he may just really have no understanding that these things have hurt these little creatures. If it were me I would continue to show him how to gently touch animals and of course not leave him alone with them unsupervised. My three year old gets pretty rough with his brother who is 7 months. Grabs his head, pulls his ears, pinches, pokes his eyes....of course I stop this behavior at once but I do not ever leave them alone together and when my 7 month old is on the floor I have to be really vigilant and sometimes have to send my three year old to his room for roughness and he absolutely adores his baby brother. As far as the laughing, do you freak out or have any frantic sound in your voice when you tell him about it. It could be your reaction that strikes him as funny. I wouldn't worry about the whole serial killer thing, he is really little. Three seems so big when you have watched them go from a baby to three and so small when they are ten and you are looking back. He is really small. People develop empathy at different ages and he is still well in the window. I would focus on supervised time with animals where you show him how to be gentle and time outs if he does not do it. I wouldn't leave him alone with animals or smaller children and just continue to show him lots of affection. If he were older and doing this then you might have a problem, I think you are ok now. And of course he doesn't know about how much money it took to fix the dog but I do think that punishing him right after would have been a good thing because he did hurt the dog. Let him see that there is no enjoyment for anyone when he is rough. Good luck and try not to worry, I think he will be fine.
I agree with Megan. At this age, it seems like they are so trying to do nice more than anything and the fact that he's taking pride in causing harm is a bit alarming. I would call your pedi and see if he/she can refer you to someone.
Now I'm worried too. My son is 3. Although he has never really hurt an animal, he tries to hit & kick our dog (she is a 80 lb lad). He never seems like he feels bad. Even when someone gets hurt-he laughs. It just doesn't seem to sink in that others hurt. I keep hoping he'll grow out of it. I never leave him alone with animals or other kids, I'm always afraid someone or something will get hurt. I was just surprised with all the strong responses. I agree he needs to be supervised around animals, but I'm not sure you need to race him off to therapy.
I agree, regardless of the circumstances, and you can rationalize it any way you want, but you've obviously recognized that there is something to be concerned about. I would suggest to keep an eye on any other warning signs and possibly get him in counseling
Hi K.,
Oh my you must feel horrible. I agree that you need to get professional help for your son. If you are worried about his future, then you should be. A child that has killed, and finds it fun and so repeats hurting an animal could be in for more problems. Don't wait until it is a baby or child that he hurts. You have been given the chance to stop something from becoming serious. Find an expert and get the soonest appointment you can get. I would do a google search to start with, then look up support groups of parents of kids with behavior problems. You may get the name of a great doctor that way.
In the mean while, like the others have said don't let him out of your line of sight.
Others have been through this so don't feel alone. It will be ok in the end I am sure, because you have addressed it early. Good for you for not just letting it go. I am sending out good thoughts to you.
My kindest wishes for you,
W.
Since you are staying with your sister, it sounds like there might be issues that are troubling your son. I know that hurt people hurt people but I never really thought about it from a 3-year-old's perspective.
It will be good to find out what is going on with him inside. How is he feeling about the changes in his life? What is he worried about? What is out of his control that he doesn't like? What doesn't he like about the people around him right now? How are people around him handling changes? You get the idea...
As you help him through this transition, you will get a lot of peace as well.
You need to get some counseling NOW! Don't wait. This is very serious behavior, it shows that your son doesn't have any attachment to these living creatures. How does he treat siblings? Other children? Parents? Friends?
You are right, this is the behavior that is a warning sign for serial killers. Is your son adopted? Has he ever been abused? Take this behavior seriously and get some serious help now, its not too late to help your son develop proper emotional attachment.
You have gotten great advice, so I won't add to it. I just wanted to offer you sympathy. I'm sure you're feeling very afraid right now--and mothering is such scary business anyway. My heart goes out to you.
if you're worried about money, most therapist, psychologists, etc have sliding scales and will be eager to help you figure out state aid, etc if you them too.
He is still very young and not really understanding consequences yet. I wouldn't worry about him being a serial killer at this age. You should contact his Pediatrician and ask how you can better explain something like this to him. Then just watch him closely around other animals. Maybe for a while he shouldn't be left alone with any.
he needs help now yesterday would have been better, kids that do this end up with more problems for themselves and their parents as they get older. he needs to see a Dr. now. the sooner the better. there is a big problem here......
OH, wow, I am so sorry. My three year old fully understands, feels remorse when someone or a pet is injured. I've had some pretty awful kids in day care (I have a CDA) but there's only one child I've ever seen with the issues you're describing. He used to throw lizards against the wall and watch their bones break, and fry little creatures on the ground spotlight.
I can't believe this child is 3!!
I would seek immediate psychiatric help with a PEDIATRIC psychiatrist. This is usually not seen in kids until around ages 5-7. I'm not saying it's normal because it's not but with kids with these kinds of tendencies, and he is young enough to develop compassion and empathy if you deal with this NOW! This will only get worse please don't wait.
I hope that you are right but I would be cautious and keep an eye on him. An evaluation wouldn't Hurt. Better safe than sorry
i dont think i would send my kid at that age to therapy. but i would however send myself! i would seek council on how to better deal with his both doing these things and his reaction to it. that is not normal and its not acceptable. i would be so angery with him laughing about it! i also would send the animals in your home to either a temp location or give/adopt them out. there not safe around your son and its your responsibality to keep all living things safe in your home.
Since your son is 3 he can be locally tested with the school district. I think this is something you need to address immediately..............
Good luck and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I can tell you're scared.
