Need Help with My 4 Year Old Boy!

Have you tried counting? This works well with my five year old son and it worked well with my daughter until she was about age ten.
I will tell him something once, and if he doesn't respond I will tell him one more time, along with stating whatever consequence there will be if he doesn't respond. Then I start counting to three. If he hasn't complied by the time I get to three then he has that consequence - being in timeout, losing a privilege, etc.
It seems to really do the trick, but it may take a few times of consistently doing it before you notice a difference, like many forms of discipline.

Time outs don't work too well when used as discipline for bad behavior. They are more effectively used to give child (and sometimes parent) a chance to reset emotions and get under control. If you make the issue of where/how a child sits during the time out, the original reason for the discipline can be totally lost, and the experience becomes more frustrating than worthwhile for parent and child.

I've worked with a number of kids over the years, and I've found this to be universally true: I need to model the behavior I want from the child. If I want the child to be respectful, not bossy, that's how I need to be toward him. I simply can't imagine demanding that my 4yo grandson "shape up." I would be modeling how to be bossy. And a certain amount of bossiness comes with the age, so I don't want to reinforce that with a power struggle.

If I want him to get something done, I usually give advance notice, "5 more minutes until I need you to wash your hands!" When the time comes, I request once, in a soft voice. I make sure I have his attention first, and this may require saying his name, bending down to his level and looking him in the eye. I generally give the reason for my request. I say something like, "G, we're putting dinner on the table, so I need you to wash your hands quickly."

If he doesn't move with one, or at the most two, requests, I simply move with him, again with a polite request. "OK, l'll go with you to wash your hands. Let's go right now, please." Then he simply knows he won't get away with ignoring me. This is time consuming, yes, but less so than allowing the avoidance to go on and on and on…. And he's only 4. And it builds good relationship habits and mutual respect over time.

Of course, there are times when he's really resistant, crabby, whatever. He really wants to keep doing whatever he's doing. I have lots of sympathy, because kids get bossed around A LOT (keep a tally some time, and imagine how you'd feel…). Even then, I use the same basic approach. And lots of patience.

1) Do a toy time out... or one Mom I know actually put most of her son's toys in a box, on a shelf.
He had to "earn" it back, one by one.

*Do a "Redo". ie: when he talks back... say to him "Redo." Meaning, he gets a chance to re-do what he just said... many times a kid is impulsive with their mouth/actions. But don't think about it first. So, offer a chance to "Re-do" it. Tell him it is a chance to correct HIMself. Before getting the actual consequence, if need be. Many times, just re-doing something for a kid, can help.. because then it makes them "REFLECT" on what they just did "wrong."

2) Tell him talking back is not acceptable. Teach him HE is a PART of the FAMILY.... and being a "Team." Kids Need to learn how they are a part of something bigger than themselves. It is about caring and helping each other.

3) Give him 3 warnings... if he does not listen to you tell him "Mommy will not listen to you....until you can cooperate and talk nicely... AND you may not talk anymore." then go and sit down, open a magazine, and do NOT talk to him. If he talks to you repeat "You cannot talk until you show me you can respect Mommy and talk nicely..."

4) Get 2 pieces of paper. Draw a happy-face on one of them, and a sad-face on the other. Each time he talks back... write a tally mark on it. Don't say anything... just do it. Post it up somewhere where it will be seen, somewhere central. He will be curious about it. If he asks just answer calmly (not in a 'lecturing' voice) that anytime he is nice and cooperative, he gets a tally mark on the "smiley" face. If he does not cooperate or is sassy or talks back etc., he gets a tally mark on the "sad" face. DO NOT explain that he gets a treat or something for smiley faces. Otherwise they only work for the treat... NOT the "lesson" it teaches. AND... you can then VISUALLY show, your Husband, Daddy... how many tally marks he got each day for either smiley/sad face. BUT... when he is proud and you are proud of his behavior/accomplishment, PRAISE him.

5) Use an egg-timer ... to designate how long he must stay in time-out... or to illustrate how many warnings he gets.....

6) A kid's life, is basically one in which they are always told what to do and what not to do. Not real fun. Does your boy get a chance to just be silly and do nothing and just hang out? Kids/boys need that too... to get their pent up whatever out. Try talking with him. Teach him about emotions... to say when he is frustrated/sad/happy/disappointed/worried/stressed etc. Just gabbing with a kid, really helps too... and it is a bonding thing. It may make him feel he is "accepted"... or that he can tell you things. My daughter, really bonds with me that way, and then her behavior gets more positive.

7) Some kids act like that to other people when they don't feel THEY are being respected in return. Its a sort of passive-aggressive thing.

8) If he is moving up and down the stairs during time-out... I don't see that being a problem. The main thing is that he is ON the stairs. Not how he does it.

9) Some kids, talk back or get passive aggressive when they feel they have NO lee-way in their behavior or mistakes. Its frustrating. So they just get irked if they are on a real short leash so to speak. (not saying this is you... just ideas).

10) He is 4 years old... have him do chores, if he does not yet. It makes the child a PART of the bigger picture, a part of the family. My daughter gets real proud of "helping"... she even volunteered to wash the window screens once! BUT... the point is NOT that the child perform it "perfectly"... the LESSON in it is just that they try their best and do it... and that it can make Mommy happy and the house or their stuff look nice. Just 1-2 chores... nothing hard. Age appropriate. It helps some kids just to feel "proud" and productive.

Whatever you do, it has to be consistent.

Just some ideas.
All the best,
Susan

You should stop with the warnings and repititions. As soon as he does anything against the rules, just tell him, "Time out." Explain to him that time outs are going to change also. Time out is over as soon as he sits still without speaking on 1 stair for 1 minute. Then practice this with him LOTS throughout the day when he's NOT in trouble. Give him TONS of praise when he does it correctly -- good sitting, I love your listening, etc -- but not DURING the time out practice. Wait until he has finished it.

Also, any time he does what you want, acknowledge it with praise, a hug, a high five, whatever. If he does what you ask the first time, goes to time out as soon as you say, be sure to notice the good behavior.

This really does work, but it can be rough the first few days. However, I have a daughter with several severe issues including ADHD and Impulse Control Disorder. She displayed the same behaviors you are describing in your son, but to the extreme. Handling her in this manner helped turn her behavior around completely, so I know it works. I hope you see results with it too. Good luck!

You've just described my 4 year old daughter. I have no idea what to tell you. I plan on reading the other posts. Just wanted to say thanks for posting that question. I'm hoping it's a 4 year old thing and not their complete personality. This would suck if they do this at 12 years old.

My two year old is doing this. He not only whines over and over for something if I tell him no, but he also tells me no or "no way" if I tell him he will go on time out if he does _____again. It drives me nuts. I think it is totally normal for a 4 year old. I wouldn't push the stairs issue- at least he is staying on the stairs! As far as the talking back goes, sit down with him and tell him that if he talks back, he will go straight into timeout, no exceptions! Tell him that is very disrespectful and will not be tolerated. And stick to it. My guess is at his age, after a few times he will stop talking back. But there is always a chance he will start acting out more, too. So you should be prepared with an appropriate response and consequence if it escalates.

I like time outs on a taller and backless stool. I put it in the middle of the room and turn off the TV. Then we go about our business. For example, I might start coloring or playing a board game with our older son. We occasionally look at the time-out, stool-bound time out and boy and kind of shake our heads...Like we cannot believe he'd rather be naughty than do fun things with us. Time out is quick and effective. I have even used it in public. I don't think I used this method more than 3 times...They apparently found it that unpleasant.

BTW - Ours are now 9 & 5 and the listening or lack there of has just gotten worse. They are not naughty about it...They are just soooo busy and distracted that they forget to slow down and reeeaaallly listen. But I am not down with repeating myself or nagging. I have been going with a one strike you're out sort of thing lately. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I too have a four year old son who I have to repeat thing's to over and over, it get's quite draining so I can relate. I usually answer twice and then tell him that I have already answered him and let it go, if he continues I just don't answer, it seems to work, however this is normal for this age and the bossiness is as well. With the bossiness I usually tell him it's not alright to argue with me and I let him know how it makes me feel, and I guess it will pass eventually. This kids are just testing there independence it's very normal. I know how you feel, frustrated. Take comfort in knowing that this will pass and something else "that will annoy you" will come along. LOL Best of Luck to you.

I just noticed a product online at Target.com that I am very tempted to get - it's a "TIme Out Pad" - it has a timer with signal lights to let the child know when they are getting close to being done but the best part is that it has a pressure sensitive alarm that goes off if they get up too soon! Although I do find that timeouts aren't usually the answer - I try to only use them when my almost 4-yr-old son needs to calm down and get his emotions in check (and sometimes me too!) but really the punishment should fit the crime... if he's playing and not listening, those toys get put away. if he won't pick up and I have to pick up his toys, the ones I pick up get put away. Also watch how you word stuff - is is a statement or a question? if you are asking him to do something you are giving him the option to say no, vs telling him to do something, it's clear that there is no choice. We've also been stressing being a "big boy" and certain behaviors/"rewards" that go along with that and also how we are a team and we need to work together to be a winning team...

I hope this helps - i'll be reading the other responses because my almost 4 year old has been "testing" us a lot lately too!

I would put him back on the stair and tell him to stay there. The other thing you could do is take away toys and privledges. I would tell him you are the mother and if he does not listen then he is going to have things taken away that he likes. I would tell him three times and then put him in time out. I think it is one minute for every age that they are. Make a behavior chart may be and put stars on it everytime he is good. The better he acts the more privledges he gets. He does not have to have dvd's or toys or watch the shows he likes. when my son does not want to leave when we are ready to go out i say bye and walk to the door with my purse on my arm and my coat on. this will usually help out that situation. Let him know you are the boss in an assertive manner. Be assertive and not aggressive. be confident in your parenting skills. If he know he will not get one over on you he will stop his shananigans. good luck.

With my kids, when timeouts didn't work, I found that making them do something physical was quite productive. For instance, I would pick two points and have them run back and forth between them a few times. I've had my kids do jumping jacks, push-ups, shoulder/hips/knees/toes, and other physical activities (do this according to their age so for a 4 yr old, it wouldn't take much). This helped my kids burn off energy and also let them know that I meant business. Using a three count is also helpful because then your son will know that if he doesn't do what you have asked of him by the count of three, he will be punished...and stick to it!

As far as the talking back, I went through this with my kids too. I wanted them to learn how to express thier opinion but in a respectful manner. It took a little bit of teaching, but now when I say, "You want to rephrase that?" my kids know that they need to restate what they've said in a better way. At first my kids didn't understand what I meant so I would give them a few examples of how they could have said something in a different and better way to get their point across without being mean in voice or attitude. Now that my kids are older (15 & 18) I haven't had to say it to them for quite a long time as they now know how to express themselves clearly and pointedly enough to be understood without being insulting or rude.

One rule in our house that I stuck to was to not allow my kids to say that they hate me. I tell them that in saying that, there might come a day when they will regret having said it and it's not a regret I want them to live with. I tell them that there is a difference between hate and anger and that they need to learn it but if they are mad at me, by all means, tell me that you are mad. Chances are, I will tell them that I am mad at them too. This little trick helped us open up many discussions between my kids and I. "I'm mad at you!" "Yes, well, I'm mad at you too. Tell me why are you mad at me then I'll tell you why I'm mad at you." Now my kids know that they can talk to me about anything no matter how they are feeling. This has made for some wonderful teaching moments over the years and it's helped me to know exactly what is going on in my kids lives at all times because they aren't afraid to talk to me about anything. They know that discussion with mom are open and honest and that I won't get mad at them for how they feel, but rather, help them to better understand how they feel and why. Good luck to you hun! :)

My 4 yr old is doing this too, as are most of the other 4 yr olds I know. Me and the other moms of 4 yr olds have been discussing this very thing at such great length. Its kinda like dealing with a very small teenager who's all about testing their limits (AGAIN??). My son has taken to saying "duh, mom" and "whatever" too. I'm tired as well of repeating myself. I've begun by telling him we will no longer repeat ourselves over and over. He gets one shot to do what he's told and then he loses a toy for each time he's told after that for the remainder of the day. We did this because my son could also care less about time outs (and actually went so far as to thank me for giving him a BREAK). But he does care when he's losing a toy (or 15) for the day. We use the same method for the smart comments he's been making. Once he says something smart (like the duh, mom), he gets once shot to realize its wrong and apologize and then, bye bye toy.

I can't tell you yet how well its working because we've only just recently started really moving on this, but maybe these ideas will help you too.

On that note, please know that I'm sensing this is just a phase all 4 yr old seem to go through and that it seems to sprout up over night, taking us all by surprise. Don't let ANYONE pass judgement like you've let him get out of control or should have done something sooner.

SH ---- AM LOVING THE REDO IDEA. I'm adding that to my strategy. Thanks!!!!

whew..i hated this phase-try this-it worked for me-my mom suggested it....simply ignore him..take care of his needs-food etc.the more you feed into bad behavior-the worse it gets-and he knows he can get a rise out of you.so just ignore him-its hard-but it works-did it with both my kids-at one point-i told my kids-im fired as your mom-your on your own-i made myself some supper-went into my room-and simply totally ignored them-they were a bit older an could make a sandwhich-they couldnt believe it...it worked...good luck

I'd say it's only going to get worse if you let it continue. As far as the stairs...I'd put his little butt right back on the stair I put him on and tell him his time doesn't start until he stays and every time he moves it'd start right back over. He's being defiant while still doing kind of what you told him. For repeating everything...he could have just legitamately not heard you but if you're sure he did tell him this is your warning if you don't do .....then you will be on time out for 3 minutes or whatever time you like to use. When he says oh no I won't I'd get down to his level and in a very stern voice inform him that he does not talk back to you like that and if he does it again he will be on time out even longer...likely he'll either shut his mouth or come back with another until he realizes your serious. Hope this helps.. Good Luck!!

are you sure you didn't write about my 4 yr old son?
i tell him he can't talk disrespectful to me and he usually corrects himself.
however... the not listening... i tell him "i've told you or asked you 2/3 times now and you aren't listeniing... would getting a time out help you listen?" or simply count to 3 and he knows 3 is time out. our son also climbs the stairs. i figure that's his way of trying to have some control. he's still on the stairs w/o toys or kids so i don't make an issue of that otherwise its just a power struggle.
good luck!