Need Help with Bad Anger Issues

Read this book: "She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill. Its really good. Good luck!

What a great, and brave, question, K.. You are right that your example will rub off on your daughter to some extent (and may have already, though her behavior may be more passive-aggressive when you're so formidable).

Two thoughts:

You surely know, but probably don't think about it while you're angry, that anger is hard on your body and spirit. Raises blood pressure, releases stress hormones which affect all sorts of body functions, and negatively affects your relationships. For me, I've found that stepping outside my feelings (whatever they are) and into my 'observer,' really gives me some separation from the emotion. I tell myself something like, "Hm, this person is feeling really, really angry/frustrated/sad/resentful/whatever. What advice would I give her right now?" And amazingly, I give myself advice that actually helps. This takes some attention, but gets MUCH easier with practice.

Second, there's a wonderful process called The Work (http://www.thework.com/thework.php) that helps me get a gentle hold of all sorts of judgements I may feel about people. There are free online resources that you can print out and use, and numerous free videos. Many more vids on YouTube, too (ask for Byron Katie in search box).

Good luck with this. Recognizing a problem is a first step. Being willing to address it is a second step. You're on your way.

I just wanted to say that I am so proud of you for having the courage to write about this, and the insight to see that it is a behavior you need to change. You seem like a really good mom! You've gotten some good suggestions...and always remember...deep breathing. So simple, so effective. Also, walk away. Walk outside. Regroup. And breathe. Inhale until your belly is round like a beach ball, and exhale slowly, all through your nose. It works!

I agree; awesome, brave question.

Anger Management.

As in actually go in and work with someone. It can take a really long time to deal with control issues and anger issues. Emotional monitoring and regulation is a difficult thing to get up and off the ground. Expect about 2 years of working DAILY on yourself, and at least weekly or monthly (weekly for the first 6-12mo, and biweekly or monthly after that) with someone else to really get to the point where you control your anger, instead of it controlling you.

For myself EACH and every single time I get angry, I take a timeout until I'm NOT angry. Which sounds simple, and isn't.

Great question! I can relate. I've noticed that as I approach the menopause years (I'm 46) I have a harder time with anger. I think it's hormonal. Also, when I'm really busy and overwhelmed it's much easier to snap. Take a look at your stress level. Maybe you can change something to give you a break. (I should take my own advise, lol!)

I guarantee you that she senses your anger & that your anger is feeding into her behavior. A harmonious mom is a happy home. If you need to talk to a professional, then I would do so, because what you are describing is not normal anger.

Try and pretend you are on tv and someone is filming you. Think to yourself "would I react like this if someone is watching me".

Develop what I like to call the "flu" reaction. When you have the flu or a really bad cold, you are so weak you really could care less about anything going on around you unless it was of utmost important.

A spin off of the flu reaction is the "sore throat" reaction...when you feel like getting mad or want to yell and nag, how would you react if you had a really bad sore throat? Most of the time when we have a sore throut you try to speak as little as possible, and that usually leads to listening more or only talking when it really matters or is really important. A sore throat makes people stop to think if they really want to talk.

Anger to me is similar to stress...its your reaction to what's happening when things aren't going your way. Just like a a child not getting their own way, they yell, scream and throw a fit. When your daughter does something you don't like, it will help if you recognize that you are mad b/c you aren't getting your own way, no matter if you are wrong or right.

gl and hth. I know anger is a hard thing to deal with for some moms.

You can use the calendar. Every day that you have a "temper tantrum" or get angry, put a red T on your calendar. You will hold yourself accountable this way and you will watch the number of Ts diminish over time.
My Mr. did this years ago and it sure curbed his tantrums!! When you see it in red on the calendar it makes you realize that something has to give.
LBC

Anger issues can come from depression. I would talk to your family doctor. Perhaps a mild antidepressant would alleviate some of the agitation.

Is it possible that your anger goes back to a deep-seeded fear?

How was your childhood? Did you have a volatile parent? Did you ever experience situations where you had very little control, but alot of responsibility?

IMHO anger is sometimes the manifestation of fear.

Just a thought . . . I'm not a health care provider of any type.

I would seek a bit of counseling to get to the heart of what's really bothering me.

Good luck.

You've already made the first step. You've realized you need to change your behavior. :) Next thing to do is to get counseling (if you can afford it). This will help you develop tools to keep from losing your temper. If you can't afford counseling, go to the library and check out every book you can get your hands on for anger management and parenting. This great second step may not be enough. Please, don't get discouraged if you are still struggling with explosive anger issues. Sometime this is a sign of a chemical imbalance like depression or ADHD. I've been on antidepressants for most of my adult life but still struggled with my anger until last year when my psychiatrist suggested it may be ADHD. She put me on Adderall and I have seen a HUGE improvement in my temper. I more relaxed and in control now. I'm not screaming at my kids over every little thing anymore.

Years ago we bought my husband an expensive vitamin for stress. I think he must have heard about it on the radio or something and ordered it. After he took it for a while, I noticed that he wasn't as angry and didn't blow his stack as much. He handled stressful situations completely different! A year or so later, he quit because it was too expensive and the anger issues returned. I went to a health food store and they helped me find a good, all natural vitamin for stress for men. It helps a lot! In fact, when he would run out and didn't tell me, I figured it out by his mood. I just admitted to him in recent months the reason why I have insisted for years that he take vitamins. He wasn't happy and quit. We got into the biggest fights ever, he was hateful to the kids, lost his temper over stupid stuff, etc. etc.!! I just said, I told you that you need vitamins!!!! He now buys it for himself. :)

Talk to your Dr. It could be a hormonal imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, or depression.

I take st Johns wort now - it takes about a week to kick in - but it really works

-the anger trap- is a good book. Maybe you could find your answer in there.

I have taken pantothenic acid at one time and black cohosh now. They both have worked for me because as I get older, I am not producing different things my body needs that it had previously (women stop producing some things). I also have seen a counselor to help deal with some issues from my past that actually were triggered when my daughter wouldn't listen to me and then I would get very angry and not know why. I was surprised at what small things I found that made a huge difference when I let them go. Also, I quit eating foods with added hormones as they put my body out of wack. You are on the right track as my daughter was older before I realized how bad my anger had gotten at her. Great Job!!!

After I read some of the other comments, I wanted to add: Don't beat yourself up. It is not right, but you already know that! Just keep finding ways to help and don't give up. Let your daughter know you are working on it and apologize when necessary. It really helps them to know you are aware and trying. It has taken me many years to get rid of my anger, and I am still working on it. But my daughter has seen me change and it has helped our relationship tremendously. Don't give up hope!!!

K.,
Thank you for speaking for both of us....I could of written myself. I have tried anti depressants, which gives me horrible side affects. I have tried a few. I am currently having my hormone levels checked and although it is not complete yet, they show I am lacking Vit D. I need to take 1000 IU a day and I just started this, my current daily vitamin only had 400 IU. I have a consult with a clinic that checks hormone inbalances and will see what they also show.
I truely HATE being like this. I hate that my daughters and hubby have to endure this type of behavior from me. I worry about how I have possibly "ruined" them.

I do appologize and my DD will say, its ok mom (well no it is not) I tell her I shouldn't yell and that I am trying really hard NOT to yell.

I have read MANY MANY books about dealing with tough children and How to talk so your kids will listen and what it boils down too is that I have to be the one to change. Sure kids are kids and there are time they push us to the limits BUT I have to change. If adults can't stop the temper tantrums how can expect kids to be accountable for theirs. I want to show my DD's the correct way to deal with anger and frustrations so that they will not treat this kids this way. one poster said that if you sent your kids to a friends house you would be scared to let them go back for fear of them being mis treated.....that really hits hard, and I agree 100%. It is scary to see mommy or daddy act this way.

Hang in there and best of wishes.

Kids are really smart, I am not sure why I have to say that all the tell but there you are.

I can't really help you with your own anger except to share my technique, if I am angry I walk away. My kids learned pretty quick that if I have to walk away they have gone too far.

Thing is I may be able to help with the trigger, your daughter. Do you feel guilty after you get angry and give in to things or give her things you otherwise would not? If that is the case you taught her to make you lose your temper to get things. They really are that smart. If this is not the case carry on, I have no idea what is happening.