I have a situation that I need to know how to handle. My kids are 7 (boy) and 4(girl). I went outside today and found them using rocks to scratch the paint on the back of a van in our apartment complex. I took them over there and made them apologize and she told me that it doesn't run and they are waiting to junk it anyway. They (and me) got VERY lucky there, because if they would have wanted us to pay for it, it would have probably been over $1000 to fix-at least. They also put a couple of scratches in my husbands car. Not nearly as much damage and we can probably use a little touch-up paint and cover it. He is pretty upset though about it.
They are normally really good kids and I NEVER have had a problem like this with them. I totally NEVER expected them to do anything like this. They know that they are in DEEP trouble. I just don't know what else to do that would be appropriate punishment. I asked Joey (the boy) if he saw someone doing that or where he learned that from and he said something about some little girl but he didn't know her name. I kind of think he was just saying that to maybe keep himself out of trouble-I don't know. Any ideas anyone has on age appropriate yet effective punishment would be much appreciated!! Thank you :)
Maybe they could do chores to earn a certain amount of money that in theory would pay for the damage.
I think your kids probably understand the severity of what they did, regardless of what kind of punishment you decide upon. The youngest probably just followed the eldest, so try not to be too tough on your daughter. I would explain it by using their favorite, most expensive toy and asking how they would feel if they neighbor came over and smashed it up -- make them understand by putting themselves on the other side of it. I think the apology letter from the 7 year old would be a great idea. Also they both could do something nice for the person chore-wise, under your supervision.
I realize that you probably only left them for a second and don't mean to sound harsh by saying this, but I can't help but stress this enough to all moms that kids should not be left alone outside unsupervised - NEVER - not even for a second!!
Not only can they get into trouble, or seriously injured (which I've witnessed as a neighbor of mine often has her 7-9 year old out alone, who climbed and fell from a tree), but it only takes a minute for one to go missing. Watching any news program will undoubtedly prove that things like that do happen - in the safest of neighborhoods and when the child was just in front of the house playing ... poof they're gone!
Our kids just aren't safe to play alone anymore - there are too many predators out there just waiting for the right moment when mom runs inside without the kids. I live one a dead end street, which I feel very safe on. Our neighbors are the greatest, and we have lots of kids around. My kids always want to be out and get upset when I make them come in with me if I have to go for the phone - or to use the bathroom, BUT I make them come in with me -- or if a neighborhood mom is out I will ask if it is okay that they keep an eye out until I come back.
You can't underestimate the importance of being a little over-cautious. I don't like to live in fear, but I often think "whats the worst thing that could happen" when it comes to making decisions about my kids. I think it's easy to feel too comfortable when you are living in a nice area, but there is no limit to where things like this happen -- it's not just in the city -- it's everywhere!
Congratulations on baby to be, and for being a good mom who cares about her kids and their actions! There are alot of parents who would have tried to cover the whole thing up and run from the responsibility - teaching their kids its no big deal if it isn't their property. Good for you for teaching them morals by example!
First off, I completely disagree with the moms that say we should supervise our children constantly. Hovering over kids is going to lead to a generation of people who can't think and act on their own. Anyway...if my kids did something like this, I would make them apologize and complete some chores(simple things) to "pay" for the damage. Including apologizing to Dad and "paying" for damages to his car. Letting this go with no punishment shows the kids that it isn't important to own up to mistakes. Your neighbor may feel that no real damage was done, but there is a huge, important lesson to be learned. I personally want my kids to have a firm grasp on right and wrong and much to the dismay of many parents out there now, that involves discipline. Your kids sound like they are good kids, just had a temporary laspe in judgement. It happens to everyone, whether we do it again is based on if we learned the lesson the first time.
D.
I know supervision is a hot topic with parents but honestly I believe we all know that sometimes, even with immaculate supervision, things happen and we are in no position to judge, especially without being there ourselves and knowing the full circumstance surrounding any event. You're their mom and I'm sure you watch them and guide them as appropriate. Please don't let judgment get in the way of well intended advice.
If my children were to have done this, I would have first taken the kids aside and explained that what they did was wrong, even if they had seen someone else do this, damaging someone else's property is wrong plain and simple. I would explain to them the severity of their act, and let them know that purposeful damage to other people's property can result in the police getting involved. After a nice talk about respect for other's property I would then take the kids to apologize personally to the neighbor. Now, in my house, an apology consists of an admission of what they did wrong, why they know it's wrong, what they should have done in that situation instead, and a resolution. By resolution, that would be the punishment or whatever activity is needed to help make up for/correct the behavior. You're right, everyone lucked out THIS TIME because the car was going to be junked but that still doesn't excuse the act. So, I would still require that my children make up the act to the owners, as well as at home due to damaging the family vehicle. For the neighbors, I would talk to the neighbor, ask what the kids could do to make up for this, even though the car was junked... explain that it is to prove a point that the children need to respect other people's property and if they don't there are repercussions. Decide upon a punishment with the neighbor, something like having to do something for the neighbor, whether that be a task for them (like cleaning the porch and other odd jobs, or having your older child find the reasons why this is wrong and what could happen to him through the police station and then coming to the neighbor and explaining then whole heartedly thanking them for having the grace to not take that punishment to them, etc... whatever you and the neighbor come up with to prove the point and make the kids aware that event though they 'got off easy' this time by the car being junk, they still did wrong and will stand for what comes to them. As for the damage to the family car, I know it sounds harsh, but what the children did is called vandalism according to the law and even with young children, it is punishable. I would make my children well aware of that fact. I would require an apology to be made to myself and my husband and then as their punishment I would set up something with my local police station, for the kids to come in and talk to an officer about what they did. Believe me, officers are usually glad to help in areas like this and they're GREAT about talking to the kids on their level about how what they did was wrong and what could have happened if the law was involved. Assure the kids that they are not being charged, because they won't be, it's simply an explanation of what 'could happen' if someone decides to press charges for an activity like this.
My children stole candy from the local market once, they were 5 and barely 7 at the time. I had them apologize to the store manager and return the candy. Then I took them to the police station and had an officer talk to them. They learned VERY QUICKLY what they did was wrong and they haven't stolen anything since and I feel comfortable with the idea that now that they know what can happen, they'll always remember and will think twice before breaking the law again. Children are children and they're going to do things, there's no getting around it... even if we do watch like hawks, so arming them with the knowledge of reality, even when harsh, is a great tool in directing them the right way.
Be luving but at the same time when ur children go from noramal child issues to ones that r way out of line u need to really up there discipline.Simple or u will pay with many more issues far worst. A child should be disciplined in what matches there actions. Its called life they need to learn there r outcomes to behaivor. Up it...simple.
In order to stop this behavior from getting worse, you are going to have to watch your children. when they go outside, you are going to have to sit with them. use this as their punishment. tell them that this will have to be done until you can trust them again, and it is up to them to gain that trust back. show them what they have done by taking something that they really like and ask them how they would feel if something happened to it. i know that this may sound kind of fierce, but if you do not show them at this age, you will have far worst problems. tough love, it is called.
I am sorry L. for sounding harsh, But where were you? I am sorry, but I could not imagine letting my kids outside with out someone watching over them. They are both way too young to go out on their own. As far as a punishment, work off the cost of the damage to you husbands car by doing chores etc. But truthfully it is just as much your fault as it is theirs.
L.,
Unfortunately at the age your children are, they are going to test the water. I understand that what they did was a huge deal, but they might not understand that themselves.
Think about it...
...if they color on a wall with a crayon, you use cleaner and are able to remove it.
...if they break a toy, it either gets thrown away or easily fixed.
...even if they get a scrape or cut, you put a band aid on it, and it heals.
At their ages, rarely anything is perminant. They might just not understand that by doing that, they are creating damage that cannot (at least easily) be repaired. You need to gently but firmly explain to them that this is damage that is very expensive, if not perminant.
Good luck, and I hope this helps.
S.
7 yr old and 4 yr old are little young for any type of major discipline but I do agree that it should not go completely forgotten. I agree that an apology note to those people, would be appropriate, to enforce that was not a good idea. My children are similar ages, and they wrote on thier bedroom walls, I made them wash the walls where they wrote ( for only about 5- 10 mins, my kids are 4 and 6, but that seem like forever to them).. Maybe you could make them help you with a chore as punishment, or make them clean thier room ? When my daughter doesnt listen or acts up (shes the 6 yr old), I make her help clear off the table after dinner, or make her help me clean up the livingroom, those things drive her crazy especially since the weather has been so nice out.
