Need Help with 3.5 Yr Old Son. Need Mom Who Been There!

I tend to agree with Regina. He needs a stable relationship with his parents before bringing a stranger into the picture. I woudl be in a bad mood too if I were him. What's done is done, I suppose, but I highly recommend getting him into some therapy so there is someone he can talk to and who can objectively look at how to help him. The kids need to come way up on the list above a live in boyfriend, and if the boyfriend loves you, he will back off and let you help your kids feel secure. You need to establish a more trusting and secure relationship with your son.

I also think you need to seriously ask yourself why he DOES hate your boyfriend. I would be wary of any man wo so quickly insinuates himself into a family with little kids. I hope to God he doesn't have ulterior motives and that he is always kind to your child. But you seem very angry at your son, and I would instead ask yourself if you should be trusting your son's judgment. I know that this is not an answer you want, but I hope you will take it in the spirit t is intended which is that your desire to create a new family, while admirable, is the way you have goine about it really what is best for your kids.

You probably won't like my answer. Sorry.
THAT is a lot going on in a three year olds life. Sounds like there isn't any sense of stability. A lot of people coming and going in his life.
You are a mom, first and foremost, and I suggest trying to make things as stable as possible for your children. Children need consistency and stability and the love of their mom on a daily basis. I know your situation is not easy, but for the sake of your children, the more stable you can make your life, the better it will be for the children. It sounds like your son misses you. Maybe making some special time together each day to just hug and love on him would help.
Again, sorry if this sounds mean, but it really is a lot for a three year to be going through.
Just my two cents,
R.

PS I just read your "So What Happened" comments. I am a 46 year old "little girl" and even though my dad is a jerk (that is putting it mildly), he is still my dad and every ounce of me still wants his love and affection. So as hard as it may be to realize, you are going to have to remember that your son's life HAS changed and he is needing a lot of extra love and attention now and will need help adjusting to the new life. He may not realize that his life is "better" now, because that is all he knew in the past. You can't look at things in his life through your eyes. He sounds like a little boy that just doesn't understand all the things going on in his life and needs some extra love and attention and understanding.

He's far too young to be diagnosed with anything- no reputable pediatrician would medicate your child because of his age and the simple fact that he's fine in school. If he's fine in school, then it's a "home issue"- meaning that the problem occurs where the problem is centered.

He's too young to talk to about the specific issues, but think about this from his standpoint. He dad moves out and some other guy and a baby move in. Not good. He may not hate your boyfriend, but he doesn't have other words to express what he's feeling.

Stop punishing and start really observing and listening. Get involves with a counselor who can really help you understand your child. Your son is yours forever... the BF isn't necessarily going to be around forever. Keep that in mind too. Your time and energy at this point should focus on finding out why your child is so angry at YOU. This isn't about your BF as much as it is about his relationship with YOU.

I am a child psychologist and if I was working with you, I would be working with you and your son without the BF involved at all. His anger is focused on YOU and YOU need to work on repairing that relationship first before bringing anyone else into the picture.

Have you ever watched Supernanny? Have you taken any classes, watched any videos, or read any books, like 1-2-3 Magic, about child discipline? How much do you know about child development?

Your son is in pain and he is using what works. Too often as parents we don't fully understand what is going on inside a little ones head and we assume they think like we do. They don't. It is so important to understand that our children have limited capability to express what they need and will resort to whatever works for them to recieve what they need. Too often this means resorting to "bad" behavior because that is often the only way they are heard.

Often, a parents own emotional state, inner wounding, and lack of information contribute greatly to whether any form of discipline will work. Good, loving discipline requires us as parents to take responsibility for our own emotional issues, to be extremely consistent, and to be willing to be disliked and to allow our children to experience negative emotions like disappointment and frustration.

You will need to choose a form of discipline and stick with it ruthlessly. If you have ever had the chance or can find a way to see a few episodes of Supernanny you will be able to see what it sometimes takes to turn the tide on a situation that seems out of control. It takes a great deal of dedication to shift things when they have gotten to the place you are experiencing.

Talking to your son won't work especially when he is upset.

Pick a time-out space and be extremely consistent even if it takes two hours.You have to use a discipline technique over and over and over for an extended period of time for it to work. You can't just try once or twice and give up because it doesn't seem to be working.

Deal with your own emotional charge separately from your discipline. If you find yourself too angry or upset then take a mommy time-out and go in a seperate room and feel your feelings and be gentle with yourself.

Get some help. Hire a parenting coach or nanny that specializes in supporting parents in overcoming these types of issues.

Read as much as you can about different discipline techniques, child development, etc.

Take a parenting class or two or three.

Talk with someone about your own issues that may be effecting your ability to show up fully for your son.

Resource yourself. Being a parent is a tough job and we need all the support we can get. Too often we buy in to the idea that we are supposed to just know what to do and then are supposed to do it all on our own. That is a bunch of bs. We need support, we need a break, we need understanding, we need down-time, we need to be heard, we need to heal our own woundings, we need to educate ourselves, we need TLC, we need to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses and get support where we can.

He has had a lot of change in his 3 1/2 years. Lost his dad, new sibling and new man. You can't make he act like an adult because he's not. He's a little guy who is confused, hurt and angry. You need to get to the root cause of this. How does he act when he is with his dad? Does he behave like this? If not, then this is behavioral. You might want to consult with a professional on how to deal with his tantrums.

He is trying to get attention and any attention will work. Positive or negative it means you are engaged with him. Have you tried walking away when he starts down this road. I found that when I disengaged with my son he would be shocked. He would stop and look around because he didn't have an audience. He would try and follow me and I would go to another room. When we were at the store and he would start on his tantrum, I would walk away again and just leave him there. I sometimes got looks but it did work.

You have your work cut out for you. Good luck.

S M and Tiffany S. made some valid points. He's 3 1/2 years old and doesn't have the emotional capacity or words to say how he is feeling so he is acting out. You ask why he hates your boyfriend so much it may because your boyfriend may be getting the love your son is craving so very much. It may also be that your boyfriend may have or be doing something to or with your son. Not what you want to hear but it could very well be just what is going on. You may need to open your eyes here. Long story short. You have to lovingly get to the bottom of little man's angst sooner than later. Getting some professional couseling may help but being practical may help as well. Your boyfriend would have a easier time adjusting over your little one. You may need to make some major changes you will need to make some minor ones immediately to help your son grow and develop in a healthy fashion.

You say this is the most stable things have been since he was born... so maybe (and this is just a possibility to consider) he finally feels safe enough to act out all the aggression, tension, anger, sadness, and other negative emotions that he has been bottling up since... forever.
Kids will behave for people they don't know, and for people that they don't know will keep loving them even if they behave poorly -- which means sometimes as loving parents we get stuck with the worst behavior of our children. Be grateful for that -- it means that he feels secure in your love toward him.
And, like the previous posters, find out if his father is giving him some wrong ideas about your current bf.
Good luck, may you be able to find some peace.

stay strong. my nephew was and is just like this, but with my FIL. The trick is to treat him like a baby in the aspect that you just prepare yourself to take him everywhere. Run out to get the mail - son get your shoes on. We're going to get the mail. Actually, he's big enough to carry it back for you...Going to get pizza, just know that he is going with you, or have it delivered. The acting up comes when you let them have a say. But if he comes, you say when you leave, and he has to be quiet. Otherwise, you have to stay home and you don't get to do xyz. You will have to miss out on shopping once or twice, but when your out of apple juice and they want it, they WILL behave.

As for your bf picking your son up from school. I would try to keep this to a minimum. Get him a VTech Pocket Game that he can play in your bf's car/home. If he wants to play it, he has to behave. Another option is to bribe with McDs. Have your bf stop and pick up a happy meal, snack, etc. that stays in the car so that for your son to get it, he has to go with him quietly.

Your son answered your question. He "keeps telling my he hate/ doesnt like my bf". There's your answer. Oooooohhhh...right.....you already made a baby with this O. too. Let's hope this isn't a pattern. Looks like your poor son is stuck with your bf now, huh?

You might, in the future, want to TRY to do things in an order that benefits the kids you already have to see if it works or doesn't. Example: Wait to see how a child interacts with a man before he plays "daddy" or moves in and makes a baby with mommy.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. Just my two cents.
Poor kid. He's powerless now.

Lose the boyfriend. Your kiddo is trying to tell you something important about this man and you aren't listening. There's plenty of time for you to date but your kiddo is only a child once.

I went thru something similar, my daughter didnt like my BF for no good reason. He was always very nice to her. I met him when she was turning three. He became the father/husband I always wanted. Her bio dad was not around much so it seemed like a stable family to me, we spent time together as a family, she did not have to go back and forth. She was bratty and a pain for us but very well behaved in school. Later she admitted she took out her anger on him but was really mad at her bio dad for not being around more. this could be anger towards his bio dad or the situation and he feels comfortable enough with your BF to take it out on him. Things could be going on a his father's house that make him angry? I wish I had done counseling when she was young. I hope you can find a good counselor who can help.

Does he say he hates your bf only when he does not get his way? Do you think he feels like he has to share you or is losing your attention when your bf is around? When my son was 3 (also VERY active and a very stubborn little boy) he would have terrible temper tantrums. He would tell me he hated me (or did not want to be my friend anymore or was never going to play with me again) when he did not get his way on something. He would say the worst things he could think of. He wanted to get a reaction out of me. I would say calmly, well I love you but then I would follow through on the time out or whatever. He'd scream and kick the door and throw toys for a good 45 minutes till he was totally exhausted. He had zero change in his life at that time and a very loving mom and dad - for him it is just his personality. He is a very intense kid...and he still is at age 7 but now his behavior is so much better. The key for us was to always follow through with discipline and to always remain very calm. We had to tell him the rules beforehand and he would get consequences for breaking them. Over time he just matured I think and although he is still a hard kid he is doing pretty good now. Your son sounds like he also has a very intense personality. I cannot tell you if he needs a diagnosis or not. I would have you and your bf be very calm and consistent (both on the exact same page, both backing each other up). I would make sure he gets in really happy good bonding time with your bf. They need to go do something fun together on a regular basis. Maybe he could take your son to the pool? What does your son just LOVE to do. Maybe he needs to feel loved by your bf. I don't know if any of that is helpful at all. I'm sorry your son is so hard. Can you give him consequences for throwing a screaming tantrum? I wonder if that would work? Does he ever get his way when he has a screaming tantrum? If he is screaming bc he wants you to stay home and you give in and stay home with him then he is winning and will probably try doing that again. When our son was 3 and would do this he would be put in his room with the door shut for a time out till he could calm down. He HATED that. If he threw toys at the door each toy got taken away for a week. He HATED that too. Taking away dessert worked as well. Taking away his most favorite toy guitar really worked. The book 1-2-3 Magic helped some at that age. Honestly, it's hard to remember all the details now bc it's been 4 years but I think 3 is a very difficult age for some intense kids. Those are my thoughts.

I don't know if this is happening, but it happened to one of my cousins after my uncle and her mother divorced. Her maternal grandmother filled her sweet little head full of hatred for her dad, tell her that her Dad did not love her and that her Dad did things to her mother that never happen, etc. So where her old sister was old enough at the time of the divorce to know better and still love her Dad unconditionally, the younger sister had been fed hatred toward him that she never let go of until after she graduated from high school. She doesn't have the relationship with her Dad that her older sister has but she no longer hates him.

I hope that this is not happening to your son, but you might want to ask questions to be sure that the Dad is not poisoning his mind against the bf.

He may just be going through the terrible 3 like my middle boy did.

If he's fine at school, it's not ADHD. ADHD is 24/7, so you can breathe a sigh of relief you're not faced with this horrible condition (and you can get medical guidance at 3 1/2 if it was ... BTDT).

It definitely sounds like it's issues with your BF. Have you tried talking to him when things are calm? It's amazing what a child that age can tell you. Just initiating a talk by saying something like, "It seems like Joe bothers you. Can you tell mommy why?" He wants to be heard and he feels like he isn't, so he's acting out. You won't have an in-depth discussion, obviously, but it may help.

Also, it might be helpful for BF and your son to have some positive time together on their own. You might think of having one Christmas gift come from BF alone ...something special, just to open the door a bit to him seeing your BF differently.

Good luck!

My daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder. She is not on meds and has never been on meds. Some things you as the mother can do:

Change what you eat in the house. Buy organic food, grass-fed meat. Skip fast food and all processed food. Pass up pop. Pass up anything with colors, dyes, chemicals, or preservatives.

Take your son to a naturopathic doctor and have him tested for food allergies or intolerances. If he's allergic or intolerant to a food/food group, that can affect his brain chemistry/how he reacts. If this is too expensive, gluten and cow's milk are two things you could eliminate from your son's diet RIGHT NOW that should show an improvement in your son. We don't eat soy, gluten, or anything with cow's milk in our house; my daughter's SPD improved almost overnight when we first started this program.

If your son doesn't take daily supplements, he should start. I would recommend: daily multivitamin, daily B-Vitamin complex, digest enzymes, and a probiotic like Florajen3 (can get at Target). His body is deficient.

You should see a difference if you do these few simple things. If you have health insurance, you might want to see about getting your son in to see a Childhood Specialist, so he can learn ways to help himself control his behavior. My daughter saw one from the age of 5 to the age of 11.

But if you're unable to afford medical, 1) change what you eat--eat better food, 2) take cow's milk and gluten ingredient foods out of your diet, 3) get your son some additional nutrition via supplements--and you should start to see some improvement.

It is not something so simple as -- give me a pill, or do this one thing and he'll be better. No, it will take time and effort and a willingness to CHANGE what you eat, how you eat, and making a lifestyle change. That means, a change that he--your family--will do for life.

It works. Really.

You have received great advice below.

Your son is just a baby, and his life is not stable with people coming and going.

Please don't punish him, take him in your lap and cuddle him. He needs your love and attention. Listen to what everyone below has told you. They are all correct.

i don't know what to tell you because i have a feeling you will choose this man over your child/children no matter what we say...and that's really the root of all of this imho. those kiddos should ALWAYS come first. it doesn't matter why he hates the bf. the fact is that it isn't working for your child. so that should be your answer.

Don't let your boyfriend punish your son, that is your job. I have stepchildren who are in their 20's now, they were 2 and 3 when I started dating their father (I also have four children ages 3, 5, 14 and 16) I did not like my husband's ex at all but one thing was made clear from the beginning, and that was that no matter what he and I thought of his ex that we did not say anything negative about her in front of the kids. I loved my stepchildren and treated them like they were my own. My stepson who is 22 recently told me that I was more of a mother to him than his own mother. I am no expert but I think your son's problem is behavioral. It seems like people want a quick fix and want to blame their children's problems on a "medial condition" when in a lot of cases they just need your TIME. I'm not criticizing but I'm assuming you're young (from the text typing) and with all of the devices we have and ways of being disconnected with family and the public, ie. computers, facebook, cell phones, texting it's no wonder our kids are acting out. They just want our love and attention. As I am writing this my two little boys are annoying each other like crazy. You see, they want my attention and they are acting out to get it. So instead of always giving your children negative attention, put down your cell phone, turn off the tv and pick up a book and read it to your son. Get your bf to read your son a book and see if it helps. Again, let the discipline come from you not your bf, your son will love you for it when he's an adult. Shower him with love and attention and see if it helps. Also I believe a routine is key in any child's life. Dinner at the table with family and before bed give him a bath, brush his teeth, read him a book and tuck him in. Kids actually love routine and expect it. And get off the computer, as I am doing right now.