Hi Everyone. I have two children. A 4 yo son and a 2 yr 5mo old daughter. My son is extremely well behaved. He has his typical age-appropriate issues, but mostly listens well, eats well, gets along well with peers & adults. My daughter is a different story. She is very stubborn and thick headed. A good quality at times, but right now it is wearing my husband and I thin. She runs away from us. Refuses to hold our hands. Very picky and barely eats. Gave up her only nap last month. We will have to carry her if she won't listen, and she will scream in our faces "No" "Stop it" or "Enough". She never hits or is physically aggressive, except to push us away when we try to hold her. She can do well at times with other kids and sharing. We take gym classes and she refuses to follow the teacher and screams and cries when I try to make her. It's really embarrassing and frustrating. I do my best not to yell, but like all humans, I do at times lose my cool. We've never spanked or physically disciplined her in any way. We try to distract her, remove her from the situation, sometimes she will have to sit on the sofa chair for a quick time out. Other than that, I am at a loss. It's particularly frustrating because I am a clinician and often help other parents with their child's behavioral issues. Her speech is very unclear and I think she may be somewhat behind. That makes our 123 Magic parenting tough. Do you think I should have Early Intervention evaluate her? Maybe her speech has something to do with her poor behavior? Or maybe she's just head strong and independant and I should wait it out??? Any ideas or suggestions would be seriously appreciated. HELP!!
Maybe a visit from Early Intervention to test her speech and see if she is on tract in other ways, she could be acting out as she feels she cannot be understood or express herself in how she feels so she just screams?
My son had many delays, so I know what that can be like for the kids too..any help is help needed. Good Luck
Tell your pedi that you want to have her evaluated by a speech pathologist. This could be frustration on her part. Also, she is just testing you on a lot of this stuff. You just have to stick to your guns. When she does this in public try not to get too embarrassed! As mom's we have all been there in one way or another. Just do what you need to do to discipline her in the particular situation and follow through. Who cares what other mom's think?! Anyone who is going to judge you is somebody that you would not want to be friends with so forget them! My third son was challenging. My older two were pretty easy going. They really are all different! My challenging one has a speech delay and I really do believe that that is what was causing a huge portion of his behavior. He is four now and so much better! Keep your chin up! It will get better.
Hi J.,
You just described my son. He is now 5 and is still extremely headstrong and stubborn. We had the same issues at gym class where he would just run around the room doing his own thing and never paid attention or followed the teachers lead. I don't have much advice for you, just know that you are not alone. I have found that removing him from the situation before things got out of hand was helpful. I was told when he was 2 1/2 that he showed signs of ADD. He has never been diagnosed, but I do believe that he has ADD to some degree. He goes to preshool, which helped his behavior somewhat. I have been told by his teachers that he has "a lot of energy". I would say just keep her busy and active and try not to force her to participate in the classes. It only seemes to make things worse. Make gentle suggestions that she follow the teacher, but if all else fails just let her do her thing as long as she is not being disruptive to the class. I'm sure the teachers have had other children in the class that acted the same way. If things get out of hand, just calmly leave. It's hard not to get worked up, I know, but if you can it makes the situation easier to handle. I used to just burst into tears when I got to the car sometimes. My son used to run off in public all of the time too (sometimes still does). If you can avoid it, leave her at home when you do errands, etc. Good luck!
L.
An EI eval usually never hurts. It can determine if they are any other issues or if it just a behavior problem. Even if she is not eligible for services, it is always good to have some more eyes to see the behaviors in action and make new suggestions. Good luck.
We need good clinicians! Work with your husband to let your daughter know that you are in control and practice not letting her control you! Little girls are smart and figure out all too soon how to get what they want. Sounds like she's already figured out that misbehaving, refusing to eat, and speaking poorly get her what she wants most - your attention. She'll want even more later... Hang in there!
Hang in there J.. I have 2 boys- 9 and 6, but Connor (6) sounds exactly like your daughter when he was that age, including the eating issues. He didn't speak much at 2, so I put him in Early Intervention a couple months later, and come to find out his ears were blocked with wax. Have you taken her to an ENT? After they cleared his ears, his speech picked up very quickly and his frustration lightened up. But I found that because our communication wasn't so good those 1st 2 years, he had become a very independent, strong willed, stubborn, relentless child. It takes a lot of patience and walking away at appropriate times to deal with it. I too have lost it, but with help from talking to other parents and some teachers, I have learned to keep it together better in dealing with him. A lot of time outs, distraction, removal from situations- keep choices limited and keep simple consequences clear for her. I eventually learned about 123 Magic too, and that helped, but only with absolute consistancy. They will have melt downs still once in a while, but he's more manageable now and understands his negative behavior only gets him in trouble. Praise her if you see her doing something good- so she'll look for the positive reinforcement w/ positive behavior instead of defaulting to the negative. It's very hard to keep it all straight all the time when we are tired. Like I said, hang in there. 2s and 3s are very difficult ages, but enjoy the little happy moments and hold onto them during the bad moments! lol Good luck! B.
PS I forgot that I found that Connor reacted better when he had a stricter schedule- he knew what to expect daily. Try to keep it not too filled with running around- find some calm activities that keep her engaged. Connor is great when he wants to help me clean or fix something- responsibility is his motivator. Find her 'currency' as Dr. Phil says- that is what she would behave for- a motivator for her to behave better. It's tough at this age, but it can be done once you figure out if her hearing or speech are manageable.
Check her hearing. A neighbor had a terrible time with her son's temper tantrums and his speech was delayed. He got tubes in his ears and his hearing cleared up and then they understood why he was so difficult since he could not hear when mommy said "no" and he probably thought everyone was just ignoring him. Speech and behavior improved drastically after that. Good luck.
It can never hurt to get an evaluation. As far as her behavior though it's really pretty typical 2 year old behavior. They want to be in charge. Seeing how far they can push you. With certain things you can give her choices. For example when you are out and about she can either hold your hand, or sit in the stroller or carriage. Those are her choices. If she chooses to hold your hand, but then runs off then in the stroller she goes. With the not eating thing just keep putting the stuff on her plate. Keep encouraging her to try just one bite of whatever she won't eat. If she's hungry though she will eat. Don't let her eat something later though. She has to learn there is a time for meals and she has to use that time to eat. My son will be 2 next week (I also have two older children so I have been through this before) and there are days when he'll eat and eat and eat and then other days where he seems to eat nothing. But he's healthy and growing so that's what matters. They will not starve themselves. Keep plugging along though. Early Intervention might be good to give a call though just to see where she stands.
Sounds like a lot of normal 2 yo stuff. Definitely have her evaluated if you are at all concerned. There is no harm in that at all! Absolutely if she feels she can't communicate with you and be understood that can add to her behavior problems.
I think if you have a hard time keeping yourself from yelling at her, it makes sense that she will scream in your faces. "Enough" definitely sounds like channeling what she has heard (I'm not judging here, we all lose our cool). A technique that is working for me right now (saw it recommended on a thread somewhere) is when you feel like yelling to whisper instead. I have found this instantly changes the dynamic and gets her attention. I don't mean whisper in a threatening way or anything. Just whisper. It keeps you cool and then she won't escalate (hopefully). I find if I lose my cool with DD she automatically escalates to meet or exceed me there.
I personally don't use time out. If DD is crazed or whatever, we will take a breather together to regroup but I don't think a quick punishing time out will have much effect. If the goal is to get her to cooperate, you may try to remove both of you to try to calm yourselves rather than fighting to keep her in a punitive time out while you ignore her. Also ask yourself if it is a case of tiredness, hunger or overstimulation. Sometimes we create a situation where it is impossible for them to behave, we set them up for failure. It may be that you can't go to Target with her.
My DD often doesn't want to do the organized gym activities (she just turned 3). I don't think forcing it is effective. I want her to enjoy the class and feel that maybe some of these things are just intimidating to her or something. I don't let her run around or play with other things, tho. If she doesn't want to do what they are doing she has the option of sitting with me and watching.
Hand holding is just not an option. DD does fight us on it sometimes, but there is no option. She must hold my hand. End of discussion, no wavering. When she was younger if she didn't want to hold hands she had a choice hold hands or go in the sling so she is used to the rule. Of course she does try to test it but then I hold tighter and the message gets to her.
I think the pickiness and not eating is an issue for a lot of kids her age. I follow the advice of "it's my job to offer good foods and hers to choose whether and what to eat." I try to have at least 1 food she will eat at all meals/snacks but if she doesn't want to eat, that's her choice. I am sure you can find a lot of advice on that from other moms who have been there. Food is one of the few things they have complete control over, so it is best to try to avoid making that a battle to fight as it will be a long one. Also if she will only eat certain foods, those may be foods she has an intolerance to and that can effect behavior. So maybe that's something to look into.
Since she has given up her nap she may be sleep deprived. Is she getting enough sleep? I know my DD gets wilder and less agreeable when she is tired and at that age they still really need a lot of sleep. So tho she has dropped her nap, she may need that time added into her night of sleep.
Try to give yourself a break. Some kids are more strong willed. It doesn't mean they are bad kids or that they need to be forced to be different or that they have ineffective parents. 2.5 is still quite a baby. They need a lot of help. Try not to worry about what others might be thinking when she is out of control. Yeah, right I know! But the fact is kids wig out, and some more than others.
Hi J.,
About 1/2 way down all I could think of was my youngest son, about the same age and what "early intervention" did for him and us! It was the only thing that helped. My son has/had Sensory Integration Disorder and he too was delayed in his speech which made him all that more frustrated. I could not go anywhere with him, because he would have outbursts and I did not want to be in public when that happened.
EI actually went with me to Walmart to help me manage his outbursts in public. He was just too over-stimulated. It only took months and things got better. I wish you the best of luck!
If you feel your child has a developmental issue you are more than entitled to have your child evaluated. It is best to catch this in early childhood. For your child's educations sake, please get her tested.
I see/have seen children like this. I can say the ones I've known have turned out to be very intelligent, successful people. Maybe that's because they are stubborn and fight for what they believe in or want to do with their lives. This is the positive side of all of this. A healthy toddler who is testing boundaries, then. Makes you want to pull the covers over your head sometimes, though. Our 3 and 2-year-old can be the same way, plus there is a newborn to add to the mix. Good luck!
Quick time out? She should be up to 2 1/2 minutes based on her age. Strong willed needs realistic expectations and enforcement of rules even more. Does she comprehend well even though her speech may be delayed? She sounds like she is playing on your projected sympathy of her ? speech delay? Good luck :)
Perhaps you should have her hearing checked--it might be what is contributing to her unclear speech, and her frustration at certain things (not listening to the teacher perhaps because she can't hear her..?) just a thought. Good luck.
