Need Help Telling My Brother & Wife I Am Expecting After They Lost Child?

I felt very uncomfortable telling several friends and family members about both of my pregnancies because they either have had multiple miscarriages and no children or cannot get pregnant at all. I am very fortunate and get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but I felt weird telling them I was pregnant. I just told them when I started telling other people and I didn't go on and on around any of them about the pregnancies or child rearing issues -unless I was asked. Go ahead and tell them, but be considerate as far as in depth discussions of the pregnancy go.

Situations like this are so difficult. I think if you don't make it an issue, they will be very happy for you. You may find that your sister in law becomes very involved in your pregnancy and a huge part of your baby's life, which is wonderful for your baby. If you make it seem like you feel bad or guilty, it may make them feel the same way. Honestly, she probably will feel very down that she has had so many problems having a baby. Chances are, she will keep those feelings between her and her hubby. Go ahead and be excited! This is an incredible time for you. Good luck, and congratulations!

K.:)

That is a tough situation. But, don't make it more than it is. You're expecting. They lost a child. The two are not intertwined. When a tragedy happens to a person, life still goes on -- for EVERYONE including the person experiencing the loss. It feels weird at first but that is the way life works out.

I am SURE your sister-in-law will feel conflicted about the news. I think it's wonderful of you to be thinking about her (their) feelings -- very loving of you.

Perhaps you can invite her out for coffee or something and tell her alone before you tell the whole family. With just the two of you, you can say, "I have some news and I wanted to tell you first." Let her share in your joy. Know that she may be reminded about her own loss and may feel some tug of pain but that's neither your fault nor your job to fix. She's going to have to go through the struggle, unfortunately. I know that having you there and loving them and knowing what they are going through will make the experience easier for your brother and his wife.

Coming from the experience of years of infertility, I think the telling part is not as hard as the pregnancy part. Do not avoid telling them, maybe do it when they are leaving after spending time with you - not when they have hours to have to spend holding it together.

Also, be careful following telling them. Spend time, but especially when you get bigger, try to limit the time and be respectful of how long they have to spend in the pain of your joy. Don't limit your joy, just be respectful and don't over talk it.

God blesses us each differently - take care of the baby and be sure to go to God with his health and his life. J.

i was in something almost the same. my sister at the time was 24 and had a Hysterectomy. and we found out we were pregnant about 3 weeks later. we told her like we would tell anyone else. but i made it a point to tell her first. i think that make it eaiser because it made her feel important. Now when we had the baby it was hard for her to call and ask about the baby. but it has been almost two years and it is going alot better. i would not toss and turn over this becuase it is a hard situation but in the end after some time she will pass over the issue and just become very happy for the both of you. mind you everyone is different, but i do wish you luke b/c it is a very hard situation! and congratulations!

Your brother and sil are lucky to have you in their lives. Others might not be as thoughtful as you are being. The suggestions to tell them privately are best. But no matter how or when you tell them your SIL will be upset. Just remember it has nothing to do with you or the baby. It's very hard to be a woman and feel like your failing at the one thing women should naturally be able to do. I'm sure she adores your son and when your new baby arrives she'll love that one just as much. Keep doing what you're doing. Be patient and understanding but never hide your joy. I had several miscarriages and my daughter was born 3 months premature. I am blessed that she not only survived but is perfectly healthy. But I understand the dichotemy of wanting to feel joy for your friends who are pregnant while still being terribly upset about your own loss. It's hard. And if there were somehow you could relieve her pain I'm sure you would. Just continue being the obviously understanding person that you are and I'm sure they'll find a way to share in your joy. Congratulations and good luck!

T.

its a tougch one......hope when you tell them they understand that you feel for them but life goes on

S. I think its wonderful and very thoughtful that you are aware and considerate of their feelings. As a Mom who lost her first born at 28 weeks, I can tell you that means a lot. I think the best approach is to tell them in person if possible. Delicatly break the news. I think the most important thing is that you understand and let them know its ok if they don't want to be involved in all the baby hooplah...that can be hard for greiving parents. They maybe just as excited as you are, but it has to be their choice.

You may also want to pass on a group called Share Atlanta. Its a support group for pregnancy and early infant loss. They have several on-line forums as well as groups that meet monthly. Its a safe enviroment for parents to work through their greif. We also have several outreach programs that help parents turn their grief into something positive for others.

http://shareatlanta.org/legacy/main.htm

My advice is to just tell them. Don't make a huge deal over it. You should probably tell your brother first. You don't want them to find out by seeing your belly growing. They need to know.

Don't keep the secret. I had a similar situation (without the sad ending - sorry) in that I was telling my SIL that I really wanted to start trying for kids. She said no way, that they weren't going to try etc. A few months later, my BIL called my husband to inform us that they were pregnant about three months along. I was saddened intially because after three months we were not pregnant but I was still happy for them. We continued trying only to have problems. After six months and starting to be frazzled, I talked to my MIL and found out that I should just hang in there that my SIL had problems too and that they are now pregnant. I asked her what she meant and she said that my SIL had tried for 9 months before getting pregnant. Obviously the math doesnt add up. I instantly became furious only because she didnt tell me the truth. When I talked to her about having kids, she acted like she was dead set against it while in fact she was trying. Then while knowing that we were having difficulty she never offered any hope or comments about hanging in there that it finally happened for her. We did have to use clomid and three months of trying with the drug later, I was pregnant. Basically at the same time that she gave birth. I told everyone instantly. I believe that a baby is a baby at conception. I agree that the embryo cant live outside you but all the same it is a baby. I instantly told everyone. I didnt do the hold back three months to make sure the baby "takes". Just think that if you miscarry (god forbid) you will be upset and will want her support. Children are a gift from God and while some people have them easily some people dont. I have learned with my own infertility (having to use clomid twice) and some friends fertility (almost like he sneezed on her) that you just dont know. My SIL has since then told me about her frustrations with getting pregnant and that they kept everything quite because they too were upset about it. I told her though that family is a built in support system. Who better to support you that someone that you know and trust. She has since had troubles getting pregnant again only to finally divulge that my BIL has motility problems. But I understand infertility and can talk with her about it and be her support system.

On the flip side, my girlfriend (newly married) called me on month three of my trying and stated that they too were going to start trying. She said that with my infertility (being afraid she would have problems too) that she wanted to go ahead and try since her father was terminally ill and that she would love to have a grandchild before he passed. She told me that she wanted to tell me so that I wouldn't upset if she got pregnant first. I told her that while honestly I may be upset but that she was my best friend and that I would support her in any way. Sure enough she stopped BC pills and two weeks later was pregnant. She too was scared to tell me. She waited about a day. I was thrilled to her news. I was also upset but not with her. There is a frustration of not getting pregnant when other get pregnant by sneezing on each other and the whole teenage pregnancy thing, but your SIL situation is her own not yours. You need to tell her. You need to be sensitive to the fact that it will probably upset her but dont hold it in. Unfortunately, kids may not be in her future or she may have start with invetro, adoption, etc. Just let her know that you support her. Honestly, my SIL has now opened up to me more about things and it has taken my relationship with her to a whole new level. We actually are friends now. We email each other, etc. By opening up about that one thing, we have grown closer about everything else. She just told me that after trying for 6 years now, that my BIL has agreed to adopt. They have put themselves on a waiting list. I am thrilled to know that I may have another niece or nephew. But I also didnt hold back the fact that my husband and I were going to stop with two and have my tubes tied (while having a gallbladder removed). I told her for her support (which she gave- asking me about if I was really ready to stop, etc. and giving me tips on surgery - she is a nurse). Like I said, the fertility thing has actually brought us closer together. Good luck. Dont wait! Have a good talk over lunch. Ask someone to keep your 2 yo so that you can give her your undivided attention and be supportive. She may even cry. Just know that while the tears may be sad a little, they will also be happy for your news.

This just happened to me. I had a miscarriage in October that was devastating (I had wanted this child for two years, wasn't sure we'd ever have it, and am pretty sure that we won't try again; anyway . . . ). My brother and his wife called me about 2 days before we were to go to their house for Christmas to tell me they're expecting (the salt in the wound was that they had not planned to have anymore, this is an "oops" and they're not even sure they're happy about it; oh well . . . ). So, having been through this, here's my advice.

First, Don't put off telling them. Much worse than being told, would be finding out that people in my life thought they had to hide something from me; even worse if other people were being told behind my back. Second, try to tell them at a time and place where they can go have time to react and process the info in private. If they are like my family, they are going to be truly happy for you, but they also may be very angry at God, the world, everything about their situation. I was SOOO glad that my brother had the wisdom to call me ahead of our trip. AFter 24-36 hours of emotional tantrums in the privacy of my own home, I was fine to face the family and have a nice visit. If they had waited until I got to their house for a week, it would have been a nightmare. If you live nearby, and the phone feels inappropriate, maybe you could tell them when the whole extended family is not there or mention it at the end of a visit when they can gracefully leave without looking bad or offending people. Finally, when my brother called, he said nothing about worrying about how I would feel. I gathered later that my feelings had been a topic of concern and conversation among the family, but I didn't have to deal with that at the time.

Hope this helps. Congratulations on your coming baby!

V.

Tell her before she finds out some other way! I found out I was pregnant and then my SIL found out she was, too. I had already had one baby died shortly after birth and one healthy and then 2 miscarriages, so we didn't tell anyone right away. We were due 2 weeks apart but then she miscarried.
A family reunion was a little strained as I was then 6 mo, but we tried not to talk about the planning for the baby too much.
I'm sure she will hurt but will also be excited for you at the same time. I know when we lost our first, I made sure to put others at ease in that I can't stop people from getting pregnant, just hoped that they caught the lesson we were facing in our loss. EVERY child is a precious gift and never think otherwise. Moms couldn't come over to visit around the funeral time without their kids-they thought I would be upset about it. My thought was don't protect me from something natural. Yes, it hurt and 23 yrs later sometimes it still does, but you can't hide pregnancy for long!
There is really no way to make this easy, just be upfront and let her know in a private conversation. That way she can process the whole thing before someone surprises her with the news another way.
Good luck and Gods Blessings with the baby AND your converstaion!

I am speaking from the experience of losing an infant child as well as having a miscarriage . All people deal with loss differently, especially the loss of a child. If they are working through the loss of that child and the miscarriage then they should accept your good news with grace and congratulations saving any resentments or negative comments on other people's good fortune for their therapists or a time where they are venting to each other about their loss. This is what my husband and I will do. It is my opinion that all things happen for a reason and to be angry or resentful with others about their good fortune and blessings is a HUGE waste of time and energy because the world will keep going and all the unfair things in the world will continue to happen. This is not how my husband always sees things and he tends to get a little negative. You really just need to feel out the situation and make a judgment call on how/ when to tell them because there may never be a "good" or "right" time. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hopefully your sister-in-law and brother will be happy that you're family is being blessed.

I was in similar situation several years ago, but I was the on the other end except I was having trouble getting pregnant. Two of my co-workers had just gotten pregnant and pulled me into my office and told me. Sure, it was hard for me as I wanted so badly to get pregnant, but I was also so grateful that they told me in the way they did.
As others have said, please tell them yourself before anyone else does.
Due to you already being sensitive to this issue, I'm sure you will share the news in a sesitive manner.
Congratulations and enjoy your new blessing.
R.

Hi S.,

Congratulations! The fact that you are even concerned about this shows what a sweet person you are. Everyone deals with loss differently. When I had a miscarriage, I couldn't even look at a pregnant woman. Your brother and sister-in-law may surprise you. Then again, they may break down. I suggest you tell them in person, if you live close to them. I also think you should let them know that you are concerned about their feelings. Ask them how involved they want to be and tell them to be honest. Seeing a sonogram picture or pictures of a newborn may be too much for them. I think they will appreciate your concern and knowing how much you care about them will help them get through this. Good luck! My prayers are with you and them.

I think that the truth shall set you free. Be honest with them and it is better that they hear the news from you rather than the good ole "grapevine". I have never experienced mis-carriage or loss of a child and could not imagine the personal hell that people go through when losing a child.
I had twins though and know the thoughts are bad enough as it is or the "possiabilities". There is never ever a day that does not go by where I do not thank God for my healthy girls because I know that the odds don't always turn out as well as my situation did.
I also feel too that EVERY person on this earth serves a purpose- no matter the length of time that they are here. Their baby they lost served a purpose whether that fact is realized at this point or not. They may feel a little bit of a singe when you tell them but they also should respect the fact that you considered their feelings above and beyond anything else.

I would tell them personally and without anyone else present (i.e. don't announce it to everyone in a big gathering of family). Just tell them that you know they are hurting over the loss of their child, and you don't want to hurt them further but at the same time, you want them to be a part of this special time for you. Ask them how they feel about it and if they would want you to talk about it or not. The whole point is to be understanding of the devastation that they have experienced. I think that alone will really help them to see that you are trying to be there for them but also excited about your own pregnancy.

Just you considering their feelings says alot about the kind of person that you are. I'm sure they will see that you care and understand why it might hurt. Just be prepared that they may not be overjoyed at your news...not that they aren't happy for you but that they are sad for themselves. Make sense? Good luck.

I had a similar situation with my best friend when I found out I was pregnant. We worked together at the time, and before I told anyone else at work, I went into her office and closed the door. I told her I was pregnant and that I knew how sad that probably made her feel. I told her how much I loved her and that if I ever did anything that made it more difficult for her through this pregnancy to please tell me. Then I cried with her. It really meant a lot to her that I grieved with her, and I know that will mean a lot to your sister in law too. However you decide to tell her, pray first and follow God's leading. He will help you.

Hi S.,

Don't worry about telling them. Just do it. They are going to feel a twinge whether or not you tell them now or later. They will be joyful with you.

I lost twins early on and within 3 weeks my best friend found out she was pregnant. She even named her baby the name we had picked out for our daughter we lost. (She didn't know it and I never told her.) There was NO reason whatsoever she should have felt uncomfortable with me...period. Even though I had lost mine, I rejoiced with her! You are a dear to be so concerned for her feelings! They're lucky to have you in their lives.

God bless,

M.
www.squidoo.com/ifyourbabycouldtalk

Our 3rd child was stillborn, but no matter how many people got pregnant around me, it didn't matter...I wanted *my* baby Abigail.

There is no 'special' way to put it. Just tell them and don't wait any longer.

How exciting for you! My youngest (our 5th child) is 3 months old now! Good luck!

I feel your pain...I was in a similar situation a year ago. At the time, I had a 2 1/2 year old and and got pregnant again really without any trying. My sister on the other hand had a 3 1/2 year old, and had a hard time conceiving her. Her and her husband again were trying for over 2 years with no luck. They were even going through fertility medicines. Talk about feeling guilty!!!!! I knew I was pregnant but was saying nothing, just that I felt sick and weird. Being my best friend and seeing each other everyday, she bought me the pregnancy test. I was now sick to my stomach cause I knew what the out come was gonna be. Well we shared the joy and the sorrow together. Your brother and his wife will feel the same. They will be sad but they also won't hold you accountable for their problem. I know still to this day my sister cries out to God for a miracle, as do I for her everyday. Now I have another son who is almost8 months old...and he might as well be hers, everytime she is around she takes him, and I love seeing that. I know it still makes her sad that she hasn't been able to get pregnant but she loves both my boys like they were her own. It will be ok, there will be sadness and there will be joy, expect it, but remember they aren't holding you responsible. You will feel guilt and that to is normal, I did and I cried I wish I could take her pain still do, but that is what family does!!!! You are in my prayers and so is your brother and his wife.

First off, Congratulations! And my hearts goes out to your brother and his wife. My initial thoughts are this - if your brother and sister in law share your belief that"God does everything for a reason," that may be an okay sentiment, but if they are not religious people or even if they are, I really feel you should avoid saying things like that around them. I am not a religious person and I always find it a little insulting when people say things like that about a tragedy (or about their own personal good fortune). It in some way seems to imply that God did not deem them worthy of having a healthy child but he has deemed you worthy. You may not mean it that way but it can come across that way. Oprah had a Reverend on her show wed that said people need to get over this idea that God doles out good and bad events like diseases or miscarriages, etc. Rather, God, however you see him or her or it, is there to help us through things and show us love but he does not give disease nor does he give money or success to some and not others. I share his view.

So, I think your brother and sister in law will likely be happy for you. Tell them as you would anyone else but don't go on and on about it. they will probably love having a nice or nephew to love.

Just break it to them gently. I'm sure they will be happy for you and excited. You can let them babysit! It will work out. Congrats.