Need Help Regarding My Mom

No, you are not being ridiculous! Not at all.
She is just not using sound judgment, and from what you describe, sound judgment is not her forte.

You have every right (and responsibility) to protect your young children from strangers. And just because your mom has dated the guy for 2 weeks, or a month, or whatever, does not make him any less a stranger when it comes to your child. Your children don't need to have close relationships with these men... nor ANY relationship with them, imho. If you are hosting a get-together at your house, I don't see why your mom couldn't bring him with her, to be introduced to your children only as "grandma's friend ___", but the children should not treat him as a member of the family... and that sounds like what your mom is really after. If she introduces him and behaves the same with him in front of your children as she would say... a female friend of hers that you don't know well... then I see no problem with that. But if she wants the kids to sit in his lap and hug and act like he is their grandfather... then no.
I don't know how to keep your relationship from suffering. She sounds like she is not willing to be reasonable, so unless you give in then you will suffer the consequences of her not getting her way. Very sorry you are dealing with this.

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all since it's not your typical situation. You're mom has established a pattern for inconsistency in relationships, to put it diplomatically, and you're just trying to keep some of that confusion away from your kids. When talking to your daughter about the divorce, I suggest simply using words she can understand "Grandma and PawPaw decided they were happier not living with each other, but they both still love you." PawPaw can always be PawPaw, and no new husband should try to replace that in your childrens' life. As for the boyfriends, however many there may be, I would just tell her you don't see any reason to formally introduce a boyfriend to your kids, especially since they're just getting a handle on the divorce. If there's a family party, you can't/shouldn't object to your mom bringing a boyfriend along, but you can just tell the children that "this is Grandma's friend." Friends come and go and your kids will be able to accept that. I wish you lots of luck!

I am so sorry and I don't have any great advice for you. However, I just wanted to say a few of things. First, you are NOT being ridiculous and I would make the same arguments to my own mom that you are if I were in your situation. Next, my mom doesn't have the same things going on that your mom does, but similar reactions to any reasoning I try to do with her, she gets completely defensive and up in arms - I've given up, but my issues are completely unimportant in comparison. I would fight harder to get my point across in your situation. Lastly, if your mom can't respect your choices, whether she understands them or not, are you really that worried about "ruining" your relationship with her? I know that's hard, but just something to think about. Good luck to you - what a hard situation.

No you are not being ridiculous you are being a smart, concerned, and protective mother to your child. Now you have to learn to protect yourself. You clearly know your mom has a problem, and as you said it effected you most of your childhood so I would not let it effect your happy new life. As much as it will hurt you your job now is to protect your child from what you went through as a child. I think you just need to set boundaries with your mother and if she is so self absorbed (sorry) that she cannot consider your feelings then you need to distance yourself and focus on your new wonderful family. This will not make you a terrible daughter this will in some ways free you from this burden. Unfortunately we cannot change our family but we can change how they effect our lives. If the relationship is toxic then you need to take a step back. You never know maybe standing up for yourself and expressing your feelings to your mom may open up her eyes and she may realize that what she is doing is hurting you and your family. There is no reason why you have to meet every man she is dating and that is not fair to your daughter or nieces having men come and go. Your mother needs to understand that depression or no depression this is not a healthy lifestyle. If your sister is willing then I would both sit down with her maybe in a restaurant (so she will remain calm_ and tell her how you both feel. By the way just to help you feel a little better my father is on his 4th marriage, so I get what you are going through. I wish you good luck and I hope things work out for you.

I do not think you are being ridiculous.

My mom is on marriage #3 but it has lasted over 14 yrs so my daughter has known no better.

Personally, I would want my mom to be happy but I would put "health and safety" for my children and family above and beyond her relationshipS.

I am in NO way saying anything is wrong with your mom or anything is wrong with interracial relationships (we have 3 in our extended family and it is cool with me) My concern would be having my child identify with a person who could be a grandfatherly figure and then that person going away. The other concern would be having a new person in the family and not knowing full detail on their behavior. SO many kids are abused by step parents. We've been there done that as well.

Stick to your guns to protect your children. Personally, I resent my mom for for being so selfish to destroy our family and then proceed to move us across country for her "love of my life" only to be divorced and be abused 8 years. She is now in a loving relationship but I lost a lot of respect for her due to her behavior from the time I was 12-34.

Good luck.

You are using sound judgement. Your mom is a manipulator. She is the reason the relationship is suffering.
Down the road, I would be very careful about ever leaving your children with her.
A good therapist really helped me learn to emotionally distance myself from my toxic family. You may not have that bad of situation, but therapy is something to consider.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

... just a thought, but with that many men coming and going out of her life and her wanting your kids to meet them... I would also be very careful of that because as you know, nowadays, there are many pedophiles/child abusers around... and who knows "who" these men are. After dating someone for only 2-3 weeks.. that is not well enough to know someone. Much less their background. And, it is basically Careless, for your Mom to bring them around.

It is good you are looking out for your children. Do not expose them to situations/stranger men that your Mom is dating. AND as Victoria suggested: do NOT leave your kids/baby with your Mom, by themselves, to baby sit or anything. Just in case, and just in case one of her men that she is dating at the time, is there as well. Your Mom does not display prudent sound rational judgment.

Your Mom does not seem in her right mind nor having sound judgment. And I hope, she is getting treated for her Depression? Or is she having manic episodes or the opposite extreme? Meaning, happy then sad, happy then sad, happy then sad? Polar opposites? or is she just generally sad?

Nonetheless... is it NOT SAFE for your kids. Nor you. Because these men could have who knows what kind of background... and I would not want them in my house around my kids either.

All the best,
Susan

You are 100% right. That being said you said you want to continue your relationship with your mom, so it does matter how you handle this situation. First and foremost, you have to protect your children, but if your mother doesn't understand that after you explain it gently to her , then you still have to do what is right for your family. I'm sorry anyone has to be in your situation, but that's the way life goes sometimes. Say a little prayer to ask for patience, guidance and hope and good luck!

I do hope that reading all of the comments here have helped fortify you...that you are NOT being unreasonable and are NOT over reacting to this situation!!
My Mother tended to be overly dramatic about things, nothing as serious as what you are dealing with but I must confess that I didn't do as good a job as I should have, in shielding my daughters from the tension and arguments that would result. And that is your first priority...protecting your children. I am assuming that your husband agrees with you...maybe it would be helpful if HE was right there with you when you discuss this with your Mother. Maybe it would help keep things calm and reasonable.
Could I suggest a compromise?? How about meeting with your Mother and her latest Beau at a public place? A restaurant...a baseball game...basketball game...Someplace that you don't have to just sit and interact with each other.
Just remember...your responsibility is to your children, their health, safety and security. That trumps your responsibility to your Mother and her "boyfriends" a thousand percent!!! Stick to your guns...be as loving and kind to your Mother as you can...it sounds like she has some issues that she is dealing with so she deserves your sympathy and understanding. BUT...your first job is being a Mama Bear and protecting your cubs!!!

Just tell your mom that you are busy, would love to meet him, but the baby and your family comes first.

And let it go, she sounds like she needs to figure this one out for herself.

No need for kids to meet short term boyfriends. Try to tell her it's really confusing for them, and if things stay serious for a longer time, then it will be OK then, but not now.

BTW what a headache for you. She really wants your (everybody's) attention, doesn't she? Try not to let it get to you.

you are not in the slightest ridiculous for not wanting a total stranger (#3 stranger) to confuse your children...i would suggest attempting this strategy with her through this...ask her how she would feel if you and your husband split and you were bringing several strangers around your children like it was no big deal...not sure if you have tried that angle or not...but at the end of the day, even though she is your mother, your children are your priority...just remember to let your mother know you love her very much and you have only her best interests at heart and that if she insists on bringing her male friends around your family that they be introduced as a good friend of nana's and that she and he keep their behavior on a "G" rating...if she cannot or will not respect your rules on this, then politely decline her visits...best of luck!!!

I wholeheartedly agree with the woman that spoke of distancing oneself from toxic relationships.Wiithout getting too much into it, I was an only child of two completely toxic and crazy people. This may not be the case for you, so if not, forget about it, but there just isn't a need to start introducing your kids to any adult strangers that may or may not be around in a little while. Trust your gut, and stick by it. I have so been there with trying to explain completely rational safety and well being concerns to someone that jus tdoesn't ever get it, and would get mad and guilt trip me constantly for teying to keep my little ones away from behaviors that I myself would NEVER engage in around them, or involve them in. Without getting personal and involving your feelings when replying to her requests, I would just say something like "I just don't see the need to do that right now, we'll see in a bit" and leave it at that. If she starts pressing youor getting angry, then try getting out of the conversation immediately, even if it means hanging up or walking away until things are settled.

If it's any consolation to you, I've had to deal with this but it was with my mother in law. She met a man, dated him for 2 months, moved him into her house and married him one month later.

Our children (my otherhalf's brother too) didn't even meet this guy til they were married...and it was done on 4th of July DAY and we found out maybe 2 days before they'd planned it...second hand.

I don't necessarily like him, but it's who she chooses to be with. NONE of us talk to her much because she's so preoccupied with her new man that she doesn't even have time for her grandchildren anymore because her new husband doesn't like to be around allot of kids...

Meh...

Sorry, tangent and there is a point...the older generation don't like to be alone...and some don't learn how to be alone without help. I would encourage her to get some kind of counseling and tell here "here's how your life has affected me..."

I for one wouldn't allow my mother around my kids for a LONG time because of the way she treated them and me. I don't feel bad about that. They are MY children and I want them to be raised differently.

I also DO NOT think it's a good idea to move men (or anyone else for that matter) in and out of a childs life. They learn trust EARLY EARLY on...you want them to build that in a healthy way...not with another "papaw" coming in and out of their life every time she changes her mind...

Good luck to you hun.

Absolutely not, you are not being ridiculous! It is up to YOU who has the priviledge to meet your children. You need to sit down and have a chat with your mother one on one. You need to tell her again that you do not want her granddaughter to meet him yet, and if she does it should be brief. I agree that people walking in and out of a childs life IS confusing! Your mother needs to know how you feel. If she is going to get all emotional on you and play the victim, then maybe the best way to do this is to write a letter to her so that you are able to get all your points across without an interruption.

I agree with you and with everyone else who has posted. I'm sorry your mom has put you in such a difficult position, and hope you and your mom can resolve this and maintain a decent relationship as well.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I would tell her, if/when she gets married again or if/when it is obvious that it will be a lasting relationship even if they don't plan to marry [I would say at least a year of being together!], the children can meet the man. And even then I would use caution and say that he is a "friend" for a while. No matter how perfect you may be as a role model, your daughters will still be influenced by your mom, too, and you don't want her to teach them that men come and go all of the time and that marriage doesn't last forever

Your first order of business is your kids. If you think they would be confused by meeting all of Grandma's "friends", then your mom needs to accept that. Don't feel guilty.

If that means you spend some time apart from your mom, that's okay too. Don't feel guilty about it. Your mom made her decision and you've made yours. If you want to soften the blow, as it were, you could tell her that she can introduce her new man after they've been together for 3 months or something. That anything before then is too soon.

Just keep telling your mom that you love her and want her to be happy, but that doesn't mean you can do everything that she asks. Lather, rinse and repeat as necessary.